S1E3 Did 5G Cause the Coronavirus? With Actor Randall Park

Hello, and welcome to The Unofficial Official Story. I'm Dwayne, the class clown.

What's up. I'm Koji, the so-called chief of this show.

And hey listeners, I'm Jennifer, the fearless investigator.

This is a podcast where we tell you the official story. We're going to take a look at the paranormal, conspiracies, unexplained phenomena, crypted and even true crime.

In this episode, we're asking the question, did 5G cause the coronavirus?

And by the end, we'll tell you what really maybe happened.

But first, we have a guest, actor, writer and my homeboy, Randall Park.

Randall park is best known for portraying Eddie Huang's father in the ABC sitcom, Fresh Off the Boat, for which he was nominated for The Critics' Choice Television Award for Best Actor in a Comedy Series in 2016. He co-wrote, and co-star in the Netflix romantic comedy film, Always Be My Maybe, alongside Ali Wong. He also appears in the Marvel Cinematic Universe's Jimmy Woo, in the 2018 film, Ant-Man and the Wasp, and the 2021 mini series, WandaVision, and in the DC Extended Universe Film Aquaman as Dr. Stephen Shin, and most importantly, he was in my film, The People I've Slept With. Randall, how are you?

Thanks for having me.

How has COVID been treating you?

It's been everything, everything. It's been really tough, but also really great in unexpected ways. But overall, I'm glad we're getting out of the worst of it, hopefully.

I'm sorry to cut you off. When you say really great. How was it? Great. I'm sure people would wonder about that.

Being with my family more, more time to myself, and it forced me to do things like take walk, which I didn't really do before, eat at home a lot more, which is way better for you.

Did you lose weight during the coronavirus?

I did. Yeah, I did. In part, because all those things; eating at home, but also exercising a lot more, and just the amount of time you say from just literally driving in LA is half the day.

We go way back, three of us. And I don't know if you guys know Jennifer way back, but Randall, I and Koji go way back.

I feel like we met. I don't know. Have we met, Jennifer?

I have a funny story that I'm excited to share. So, I was an extra in 1-900-Drinking-Buddy.

Oh my gosh. Yes.

So, that's where I think where the connection is. And then we obviously probably have hundreds of mutual friends and I studied at John Rosenfeld Studios. So, your name is-

Oh, yeah, yeah.

... thrown around a lot. So yeah, there's all these cross paths, but we've never officially met. So, I'm glad I'm part of this old school crew here.

Yeah. It's good to meet you officially.

Nice. I don't know if this is a question or statement, but I think people need to know that you put so much work in back when ... Remember we used to run scenes in your parents' garage and tape them and critique them. And you were always so great. I guess, speak to that. When it happened, when things started breaking out for you in a good way. Was it expected? It felt like everything that has happened could have easily happened five years sooner or 10 years sooner. You were ready even then, you know what I mean?

Nothing in my career or life, for that matter I feel like, ever changed like that. It's always been this slow, steady thing. So, it never was, one project came out and then I'm not auditioning anymore. Some project comes out, makes some noise, and I'm auditioning a little less and maybe getting a little more offers straight away. And then that died down. I'm back to auditioning. And then another project comes out and then, "Oh, he's no longer auditioning. He doesn't have to audition anymore." But no, I do have to audition here and there. And then it slowly started to change until it just got to a point where I wasn't auditioning anymore.

Here's the most important question, Randall. Do you still have to sleep with people to get your roles or did that [crosstalk 00:03:54]?

Well, yeah, yeah.

That never changes, right?

That was the secret, but reveal later.

Well, it's just from all the projects you did, all the short films and things you produced, you just have a great work ethic. So, just finally everything lined up. You know what I mean? It's like you were Steph Curry in a sense, you know what I mean? You dominated in high school. You dominated in college. And then they kept doubting you. And you just kept dominating. And I don't know. Do you think it would have happened sooner if you were a white dude or?

I don't know. I think it may have, but it may not have. It may not have happened at all if I was anybody other than me. I have no idea, but I definitely persevered through a lot, I think. When I came in, it was a very different industry from how it is now. And there were a lot of times when it was like, "Oh man, I don't know my place in this industry." I just didn't know if there would be a future for me, but I still just kept at it. Not because I was especially tenacious or determined. I just had nothing else to offer the world, and I was stuck. I kept at it. I couldn't do anything else, so I just kept at it. And I think things slowly to open up for me.

Right. Right.

So Randall, when you look back at your career so far, what's your favorite project or what's the most meaningful project for you when you think back about things right now?

Gosh, that's a tough thing to answer, because they've all been so meaningful in different ways. But I would say Always Be My Maybe was the most fulfilling, because I've got to be involved in every part of the process.

I haven't talked to you about that yet, but that gave me some serious elegant vibes. You know what I mean?

Yeah. But that's what I mean. It's like I got to take from all parts of my life and inject it into the script. And then also because we were producers on it, we got to have a say in everything and everything felt true to our actual life experiences. So, that was really fun.

It was so great. Elegant, for people listening, is a rap group that Randall was the front man for.

I don't say rap group. I always say a rap outfit. I think that sounds [crosstalk 00:06:18].

I like that better.

I say it's a hip hop outfit out of LA, and I mess with you guys heavy. So like you said, you brought that into Always Be My Maybe and then also like the yellow peril thing or is it Asian peril ... I don't know what it's called, but I had never heard about that before. So, that was such a-

Oh, really?

Yeah, yeah. That was a nice, little history lesson for me.

That's another thing. It's like doing Asian American studies at UCLA, all that stuff found its way just naturally into the story. So, it was very fulfilling in that way.

And you were great and the people I've slept with. Let's not forget about that. Right, Koji?

I was secretly hoping that you would mention that. It's your most important experience ever.

I don't remember it. What was that? I have no idea. You know what's crazy about that? I told a friend of mine to watch it. And I don't want to put him on blast, so I won't say his name or whatever, but he is a white guy. And I was like, "Oh, you got to watch People I've Slept With. My homeboy, Randall, is in it. He's dope." You know what I mean? So, he watched it and then came back and he big upped you. He was like, "Randall was great. Randall was really funny." He's like, "I don't know." He was basically saying ... I'm paraphrasing, but he was saying, "If I'm going to watch a movie with all Asian people, I need more."

More what? What does he mean more? More Asian stuff?

No, I don't think he meant that, but more ... I don't know if he meant more comedy. It was really weird. I'm like, "Can't you just watch people relating to each other, even if they don't look like you?" And that was 10 years ago that just happened. And I'm still friends with this guy, and I'm almost afraid to really drill down into what he meant, because then it might-

Yeah. To be specific that, "If I'm going to watch Asian stuff, I want more."

I think he was saying anything that's not white people. You know what I mean? I think the good thing about like what you do, what Koji does is just sharing your story, but also creating a new thing where you can just watch it. A lot of the stuff you did, Randall, was you would just cast people and it would just be all types of races in it. You know what I mean?

Yeah.

And I think it's good to not a only share the story, but just ... Obviously, I'm always black. I always rep that, but sometimes I want to rep humanity too. You know what I mean?

Yes, yes, yes.

And I think that's where we're getting now. So, I watch all the things I just watched ... What was that movie? Cliff Hangers was pretty dope, Warrior. It's weird. We as non-white people, we've been watching all white stuff with no problem.

Yeah. Yeah. It's without question.

So, they should be able to watch something, even if it's not bringing them the experience. Just watch people relate to each other.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Exactly. Well, I feel like we're just talking about this, me and the folks in my production company. And this is pro this might be what your friend was referring to. When some white people watch like a project with Asian folks, they want authenticity. They want to see a glimpse into a culture that they don't ... And even with black folks, we want to see the streets as how it really is. We want to see what it's really like for ... We want to see a grandmother and see generational conflict and I want to see them making dumplings. And I want to see them playing Mahjong. We got to be authentic, because if it's just people relating to each other, we got that. We don't need you for that. We want it ethnic.

Right. But that's like saying, "If I'm going to watch white people, they need to be Vikings." You know what I mean?

But that's a thing. White people have gotten to be Vikings and gotten to just be people who hang out and go on-

Exactly. It's tough. I think everyone is in their own bag. And I guess when you have 5G towers to worry about, you can't really make sure that there's diversity and equity, because you're worrying about your own brain.

Right, right. The more important things to worry about. Good segue, Dwayne.

Well, what do you guys think? Should we get into it?

Yeah, let's do it.

Yeah.

All right. Now, one of the things we all watched to give us deep background on the subject was a short BBC documentary on YouTube. We highly recommend you watch it. We'll put a link in the show notes. Okay. Here are the facts.

Did 5G cause the coronavirus? People have been saying for years, even before it came out, that 5G was harmful to people.

How long have people been really saying this though? We say for years, but that's for my research. So, I found out, but that's weird that people have been saying that before it came out. Oh, sorry. Go ahead.

Well, everyone wants to take credit. It's like the people who said they listened to Mumford & Sons in the late '90s or something. The New York Times believe that the current scare was from the debunked theory by a Florida physicist who tried to connect the rising frequency of radio waves and tissue damage in the brain.

It is typical to determine when and where this conspiracy that 5G caused the coronavirus started. According to Wired, it was first mentioned by a Dutch doctor in a local Belgium newspaper. We've read from other sources that have first appeared on French conspiracy website. Regardless, it quickly blew up on Facebook, conspiracy websites and other social media, especially when some celebrities seemed to support it. Randall, did you support the 5G when it first came out? Did you blast it out there?

I am not entirely sure what 5G is right now. I don't know what we're talking about fully. Is it just basically your phone connection?

Yeah. It's a frequency or cellular wave that's faster than 4G, which is also a cellular wave.

So, why do we need 5G? I think 4G is doing just fine.

Well, from what I read, for instance, 5G, it's so much faster. You'd be able to download a two hour movie in a matter of seconds. If you have self-driving in cars and things that need to make super quick decisions and go back and forth to the satellite, the faster, the better.

Oh, got it. Got it. But do we have to keep going faster? So, the 6G's inevitable, 7G's inevitable?

I think so. Yeah.

Probably. Because what happens is, soon as the network is faster, then we want to send more information over the network. It's like a highway. If you have eight lanes for the first year, it's, "This is amazing." And then eventually there'll be enough cars, because people will want to partake of those lanes. When they built the four or five lanes, they probably thought, "We'll never need this many lanes," and now it's packed.

I remember when we were a kid, I remember hearing, "Don't use those toy walkie talkies. It's going to be bad for ..." So, it basically is the progression of that. And by the time we get to 12G, it's going to be the same people. That was a great primer on 5G, I think. So, yeah. No, I wasn't a part of the conspiracy thing.

Okay, good.

Thank you. Thank you that you weren't, because some notable people like Woody Harrelson and Wiz Khalifa tweeted about it. So, they contributed to this whole thing, which is why we have an episode about it. So, according to the BBC, the people who believe in this theory mostly fall into two camps. So, it's one, that 5G can suppress the immune to system. And so, you're more susceptible to catching coronavirus. The other main conspiracy behind this is that the virus can somehow be transmitted through the use of 5G technologies, like it carries it through the waves. And the proof of this is, allegedly 5G towers were put up in Wuhan, China right before the outbreak.

And so, it was one of those things where people noticed that all the places that had the worst coronavirus outbreaks also happened to have 5G towers that were being installed. But they're not really connecting any major metropolitan areas going to have 5G towers built, and also that's where the coronavirus is going to spread. So, that's where that happened. And what is that phrase again, Koji? Correlation doesn't mean causation?

Yeah, exactly. And why do they have to bring up Wuhan? Why do they have to bring up China?

Right. But wasn't 5G and other places too, is my guess? But they're saying Wuhan had the full conversion to 5G before any place else.

Oh, they did.

I don't think they were the first in the full conversion, but there was definitely a lot of towers built there. But Randall's right that there was other places too that had it installed.

Also, when you're seeking scientific knowledge and better understanding of science and medicine and our health, do you really go to Wiz Khalifa and Woody Harrelson? Why is it that when these celebrities tweet about something, there's so much ... It really does amplify things.

Well, and that's the thing. It's like people only believe the celebrities they want to. You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

Which is crazy. Well, here's some other wacky theories that people believe. One, they believe this is a plan to depopulate the earth. That coronavirus lockdown is being used as a cover to install more 5G networks, which is weird, because they were already doing it. It's not like ... You know what I mean? Why would they need a cover to do what they were already doing? The other thing is, Bill Gates has something to do with it. That's a big, big thing. And people believe this is an Illuminati mass murder plot.

Of course, it's a mass murder plot by the Illuminati in the new world order. It makes sense. There couldn't be any other possible explanation. I couldn't imagine one. Some of the reason this theory became so popular is because people are so distrustful of the coronavirus in general. According to the University of Oxford in May of 2020, 20% of the people believe the virus is a ... But I think if you poll people, 20% of the people would believe some crazy other thing too. So, I don't know how much to believe that.

Why connect it to 5G of all things? Because we're in a of new technologies popping up around the same time and-

Maybe TikTok is the reason, right?

Yeah. Maybe that floss dance is specifically what it's spreading.

Oh no, my son does that all the time. I'm going to have to stop doing that.

Can you do it, Randall? I can't do it.

I'm doing it really good right now.

It's so bad.

I can do it, but once you get to a certain age, you're not allowed.

Oh, that's crazy.

You can't look good doing that dance if you're over 12.

So, we have some more statistics on how pop the 5G cause of coronavirus theory became. According to Pew Research Center, a survey done in June, 2020, 71% of Americans had heard that the virus was a government conspiracy. So, conspiracy theories are mainstream, especially this past year. And 36% of those believe that it is definitely or probably true that the virus is a government conspiracy. So, people are just, "Oh no, there's a dumbing down going on." Anyway, that was not a fact. That was the opinion. And according to Independent, 8% of people think that 5G technology is spreading the virus. So, that's a significant number. That's a very strong following for a conspiracy theory.

I think people just have too much time on their hands. Maybe TikTok should be a minute. I don't even know how long TikTok is, but maybe it should be double that, and maybe people will have less conspiracy theories.

Exactly.

Yeah. Gosh. It's so sad to me, all of this.

It gets even worse, because in response to all of this, people have set cell phone towers on fire in Europe. People are actually lighting them up, which is, I think crazy. because it's like, "Use 4G. Don't ..."

In the documentary we watched on BBC, people were harassing the workers who were putting up the towers. And it's like, "These guys are just putting up the tower. They have nothing to ... They're just worker guys. They're not trying to break into your house. They're not CIA or whatever." I felt bad for those guys. They're just doing their job.

Absolutely. Absolutely. The watch tower group, the International Commission on Non‐Ionizing Radiation Protection. So, everyone knows who they are. Right? They've said that there was no evidence that mobile networks cause cancer or other illnesses. Now, to be fair, it sounds like that group was brought together just to say that, you know what I mean? Just in case it wasn't clear already, the theory that 5G-

Started by that dude putting up the tower, right?

Right, right, exactly. Just in case it wasn't clear already, the theory that 5G can in any way cause the coronavirus is false. There is absolutely zero proof of this, but we know that's just what they want us to believe. So we asked the question, did 5G cause the coronavirus?

Now that we have the facts, we'll take a quick break. And when we come back, we'll tell you what we think may have actual really possibly happened.

We are not only podcasters. We also listen to them as well. We wanted to tell you about one of the ones we really like and think you should check out too. It's called Deep Woods Paranormal. They are a paranormal team based out of Texas. They research everything from ghosts, demons, Bigfoots, UFOs, unknown lights, and other strange, unusual things often considered paranormal.

Now that we've discussed the facts, let's workshop our ideas.

I believe 5G is not correlated to the coronavirus. But the reason there is this theory is because there is a rise of this dumbing down and at the same time multiplying of entertainment options. So, I think you guys can all agree that a lot of people say there was a great movie going era or high quality cinema was like some people say the '70s. I had a friend do an Instagram whole thing, and we all agreed that we thought the '90s to the early 2000s was this sweet spot. So basically, movies are sucking. They're not as good as they used to be. There's not as classic and short attention spans.

And of course, as you can probably guess, social media is the entertainment now. TikTok. Before that was Vine, YouTube. So, what's happening is that people want something different. They don't want to just watch a movie. They want something more real. They want to feel like ... It's like a little bit of FOMO that's going on. It's a little bit of the isolation that's happening because of the technology. Because of social media, our kids are communicating through games. People talk through texts and games and video chats. It's less interpersonal. And so, people are craving community and they want to feel like they're in something. That they're like inside knowledge.

And so, that's why this theory that 5G caused the coronavirus is so rampant and so strong is because this is the new form of entertainment, conspiracy theories. People want ... This is their entertainment choice.

This is like role playing.

Yeah.

Do they believe it though?

I think some of them do believe it. And that's what's taking entertainment to a whole nother level is people are thinking this is real or they want it to be real.

It sounds like when people watch movies, there is some overlap. It's just like how Randall's movie, Always Be My Maybe, has a rapper in it. And then Randall was a rapper in real life, but it wasn't that same rapper. You know what I mean? And I think if I'm paraphrasing or adding to what you're saying, Jennifer, when people get a glimpse of something that might be true, then they think the whole thing is true or they start building on it. It's almost like 5G didn't cause the virus, but 5G caused the theory, because now, because of 1G, 2G, 3G, 4G, 5G, people have access. They can binge watch. And so now they almost have too much information, and that's why they can come up with these crazy theories. But they have that information, because-

Because of 5G, boom. Dwayne, what would I do without you? That was amazing build-on. So yeah, that's my theory.

I would be remiss if I didn't mention one thing. One, corona's super real. It's not a hoax. I know people that have had it and it's serious. And I was in close proximity to someone who had it, and I was vaccinated. I didn't get it. And they got really sick. So, I don't know if they live near a tower, but I didn't get sick. Two, disease, we think mankind doesn't have a natural predator. Man's only natural predator's other men. But actually, I think you can say our natural predator are viruses and insects that carry viruses. The pneumonic plague almost wiped out everyone. Smallpox, probably would've and polio would've if it were not for us discovering vaccinations.

So, I don't know why all of a sudden we don't believe in them anymore. Maybe we overdid it. But one other thing, Koji, before you go. I looked it up, because someone sent me this text. There is a Dean Koontz novel from 1981. It's called The Eyes of Darkness. And he talks about a virus coming out of Wuhan, China. And this is in 1981. So, it's one of these things where if anyone started it, it's CIA level. Because if you watch the movie, Three Days Of The Condo, the CIA and governments high messages and books. And so, it's probably just a coincidence, but in 1981, he wrote this in a book, and now it comes to pass. So, I don't know. That's spooky.

All right. So my theory is similar to Jennifer's, but a little bit different. So, the 5G towers are doing things to people. But instead of giving them coronavirus, they're really making them more stupid. And it's not Bill Gates. Some people think it's Bill Gates. It's really Elon Musk that's doing all this, because he wants more people to buy his stuff.

Who?

Elon Musk.

Oh, Elon Musk. So, you mean literally more stupid or just more distracted, and then because they're distracted, they're getting more stupid?

No, no. They want them to be more stupid, less intelligent.

But I'm saying, are the rays making them ... The 5G is literally-

Literally making them more ... It's just like the coronavirus conspiracy, except it's not. They just got it wrong a little bit, because they're getting less intelligent every day. Every time the 5G goes on, they become less intelligent. It's ultimately just a ploy to have people buy more stuff and be a little bit more ... Not to argue, not to fight. Just buy stuff, buy cryptocurrency like DOJ or anything like that. Just to buy all his stuff that you buy, all the different things. And when he opens things up though, you'll be willing to buy it, because you're less intelligent because of the 5G.

But isn't it backfiring then, because that lack of intelligence is now making them question 5G itself?

Yeah, but this is the fringe of people.

I see. I see.

Overall, most of the people are becoming less intelligent in general.

I see. How would it do that? Is it, it's causing-

It's the rays.

Your brain is not operating at full speed, because of the waves going through it maybe?

Exactly. There you go.

So, the waves only affect specific people?

No, it affects everybody.

But not everyone is getting stupider, or you're saying we're all getting stupider?

We're all getting stupider, but this fringe group of people, they're onto some part of the conspiracy. They've latched on a part of the conspiracy somehow, but they got it wrong.

I see.

They just go the corona part wrong. There is a conspiracy. It does have something to do with the 5G. Just they got what's really happening wrong, because of course they do.

Well, what I like about that theory, Koji, is that I think people always think that there's some nefarious group, and they're doing something. And then some other small group points it out, and it's like, "Oh, you caught us. You got us." If there is an nefarious group, they're going to go to great measures to cover up the whole thing, even if that means creating a whole different conspiracy to distract people. You know what I mean? That's what I like about it.

Well, what's your theory?

Okay. And by the way, before I tell you my theory, I have some sympathy for people who think this only because you can't tell people that 5G does not cause corona. And then in the same breath, tell them that they can sanitize everything with a light. You know what I mean? It's like, "Oh, just put on this light and cut it off, and boom, everything's clean now." Wait. So, light can clean, but 5Gs can't give us any side effects. Anyway, here's my theory. I think it's really usable and workable, and it goes a little something like this. So, when they put up these 5G towers, most of the time it's on mountainsides, hilltops and whatever. And they're basically disrupting the natural habitat.

And so what happens is when they put up these towers, two things happen. They put up the towers. The bats that lived there had to move away. So, when they put up all these towers, the bats were like, "Oh, shit. Man." So, they left, spreading whatever disease they had. And people thought, "Oh, 5G tower, corona," but it's really the bats that the towers displaced that cause-

That's a great theory.

And then on top of that ... So, after the bats were kicked out, gentrified by towers, if you will, then they went back to the towers, because it's a warm place just to chill, because it's a little warmer than the elements. So, I think it's still the bats, but it seems like it's the 5G towers, because the 5G towers caused the bats to go into the population.

That makes sense, because manmade things have often displaced species of animals, right?

Absolutely. It has a domino effect. It ends up hurting man, ultimately or at least the people that live close. Because where I live, sometimes coyotes come down. And I don't think I'm that close to the hills, but like I'll see coyotes right outside of my front gate. And I'm just like, "We got to get this together. We got to get these guys back to where they belong. I can't be seeing a coyote on my block. That's not a good thing. I chose to live in a city to not deal with coyotes."

So my theory, it may not fully make sense, because I'm making it up right now. So, I think that there was a fringe population, very much on the fringe that on the internet connected with one another. And they all formed a world club; fringe people in the UK, fringe people ... And they called themselves 5G. And I don't know why they did, but it had something to do with something. I don't know why. But one of the things that they loved to do was to fuck bat. They would fuck bats and they would post about it. And then it started this pandemic, and they were like, "Oh no, they're going to find out that 5G caused pandemic."

And then they were like, "Wait a minute. There's another thing called 5G. Let's blame that."

Right. I love it.

And all these people spreading this theory, they're probably members of the original 5G.

Because they don't want to get in trouble for beastiality.

Yes, yes, exactly.

Or they don't want to be embarrassed by it, I think more [crosstalk 00:29:19].

Yeah, I think that's it.

Wait. Okay. I've never had sex with a bat. Just putting that out. How would one have sex with a bat? Just curious for future.

You put yourself in it or you put the bat in you. One of the two.

Right, right, right. So, depends on if you're at the top or bottom, everyone. So, I will say, if I'm going to add any credence to what you're saying, Randall, is there's a group called 4-H for kids. And so, maybe some of these people were in 4-H when they were kids. And that's why they started, I think called 5G, the next letter.

That's a good ... Yeah.

[crosstalk 00:30:01] number.

Wow. I can't believe you just pulled that shit out, Dwayne. Oh my-

That's a good-

... God.

Yeah. That makes sense as to why they call it themselves.

Right. And maybe who knows what happened to them in 4-H. Sorry. You know what I mean? Our hearts to go out to you, you know what I mean? Which would have led them to this crazy lifestyle perhaps.

Yeah, exactly.

Was it just bats or was it multiple different kinds of animals?

Bats or what ... Was the other thing that may have caused the ...

Oh, yeah. That animal thing. I know.

I think it's just various really out there animal.

I like it.

And let me ask you about Batman, the superhero, because I'm not into origin stories. I'm not too much of a super, super ... I'm not digging into crates into the deep cuts with it, but what is Batman's origin story? Because he always strike me as a superhero that just has a utility belt, but what connection does he have with the actual bats?

He was 5G. I think he was 5G. That's my guess. That's the untold history, because he is real. We all know he's real.

So we have four very different stories. So, I guess as a group, we'll have to come together and figure out which one is the story that we want to go with that becomes the official story. And we can't take this lightly, because this is ultimately going to be the story that will officially answer the question for eternity. So, what are you guys thinking?

I like Randall's, because I'm like, it's not any crazier than 5G causing coronavirus. You know what I mean?

Well, when you brought that 4-H in there that really ... I think it really started to connect.

Jennifer, what do you think?

In terms of my faith?

Yeah.

Then Randall's is just so ... I think it just fits with our podcast. This just totally, the most outrageous, cool story that has a grain of truth.

Well, I'm going to say that when I heard Randall's, it's like I heard singing. I heard the angels. It just made sense. When I hear angels, I feel like that's the answer that we want to go with.

If maybe putting up the towers ... I didn't mean to cut you off. Sorry, raised bat availability. So, there were more bats that were fucked around that time.

I like that.

And that is the official story.

Another podcast we're listening to is Three's a Crime podcast. The show features three friends talking true crime with a little bit of paranormal.

The reason I love this podcast is you can tell the three hosts, Emily, Lindsey, and Tori really have fun and enjoy the subject matter. Believe me, that's not always the case.

Some of the episodes we think you might enjoy is this series on the Cecil Hotel. And the Dyatlov Pass, if I'm saying that correctly. You can listen to the most recent episode of the Three's a Crime podcast. Find out more about them on their website, threesacrime.com. We're going to do a little improv here. We're each going to take a role and flesh out the story. Should be fun.

We're all going to have to be different people. And I think we agreed that we're going to talk about the origin where we're all part of this 5G group online, and we're going to be on a zoom together. And we're all different people trying to come up with how we're going to get out from here. Does that sound right, guys?

Yes. Do we want someone to be a bat or is that ... No, we could just be at the meeting. It's fine.

I don't think we need the bat sex scene in this. I think we're okay.

All right. So who wants to get us started on this journey that we're going to go on right now?

Okay, all. Thank you so much for coming to this emergency meeting. See, we needed to get together, because there is an issue at hand here and we've been found out. We've been found out. I just don't know how else to say it. We need to address this, and let's come up with some ideas here, like a round table. I open to the floor.

We should tell our love for bats. I love bats. They love me.

No, no, no. You're basically telling them that we fuck bats by saying that.

Yeah. That's maybe you a little ...

I agree. I have a fever. I fucked four bats yesterday, but I just don't know if the people are ... Oh man. I'm so ... Is anyone else hot? I just have chills. Anyway, I don't think we can tell them. The world isn't ready to understand man-bat love.

I think maybe the plan would be to ... I don't know, deflect.

4-H, 5G. Is there a 6I that we could [inaudible 00:34:25]?

It's available. It is available.

Can I just say when Betty looks at me-

Betty?

It's the bat that I'm hooking up with currently. She reads my soul. She loves me. I can just tell. I'm ready to tell everybody. I don't know about you guys, but I'm ready to go online and just tell the world about our love.

Well, I don't know. I really think you you'd be doing us a disservice here.

I agree. Plus if this fever I have, if it's in any way contagious, and if people can link it to our bat fucking, we may never recover.

I'm not sick, but I did lose my sense of taste the other day. And I don't know if that's ...

How many bats did you fuck or love?

I'm fucking one, right?

Just one. Okay. Okay. Okay.

I doubt that's related to sense of taste. That's silly. What caused that? Your cell phone?

Right, That's absurd.

Have you guys heard of the 5G towers?

Oh, you mean ...

Yeah. That's where we go to meet our bats to fuck.

Oh yeah. So, do you guys think there could be a connection?

Well, they used to be there. Now, they're everywhere, but yeah.

Yeah, the 5G towers are everywhere. There has been a lot more lately, and people ... I have to explain all the time whenever I try to invite others to our group. I don't know if you've run into those problems, guys, but I find that people get those things confused. They think we're some kind of technology group.

Right. Because we always dress up like we work for AT&T when we meet.

Yes, yes. That was a good suggestion from Randall a couple years ago. I loved that. I really loved that. Thank you.

I think we're almost there. Do we blame AT&T?

We're onto something? No one likes them anyway.

But they've got deep pockets. We can't blame them directly.

Wait. Did I mention that when Betty looks at me, my heart flutters? Did I mention that?

You've mentioned that three times.

Okay.

I think if you did it anonymously in a Reddit post of some kind, that would be okay with me. Do you all agree? I think that would be fine, but we definitely need to come up with something quickly, because we'll be able to spread it as well. We can use TikTok. I just got an account last week, and I'm learning how to use it. So, that might be a good place for us.

That's a great idea. I think we're forgetting that people don't know about us. So, if we can just say 5G causes thing, they don't know who we are and they won't even know what that means.

Oh, I see. I see. Okay. So 5G. We can just deflect anybody. We'll never get found out.

This makes no sense, but they'll probably blame the towers. Right?

I see.

Which is idiotic, but maybe it'll work.

Yes, Koji.

Did I mention that when the bat goes up my butt, it feels like giving birth in a good way?

That's so sweet.

You did not mention that.

Betty is a good lover.

Well, we'll have to do a bat swap at some point, but I think Randall's onto something. We'll just post the tower every time we say 5G, and maybe people will make the connection. All we need is to deflect for a little while until we regroup, get better, change our name. We just need someone influential to help spread this, like maybe Wiz Khalifa.

Oh.

Maybe Woody Harrelson.

That guy's always high. I'm sure he'll do it.

They both smoke a lot.

They do both smoke a lot. Perfect.

We'll pretend we're a Belgium doctor or a French doctor, somebody people would trust.

That's right. That's right.

And then get it out to Wiz Khalifa, Keri Hilson, because people will do anything famous people say, short of fucking bats. Of course.

I take offense to that last comment.

Oh.

Because of Betty?

Calm down, calm down. We are all entitled to our own opinions and we all have our own relationships with our bats. Some people, it's much deeper, but Dwayne, are you doing okay there? Are you doing okay? Would you like some water. Some tea?

No, no. I'm good. I have some ... One question. If this works and we are able to deflect and blame the cell phone towers, as crazy as that sounds, are we going to stop fucking bats?

Absolutely not. No.

Good. I wouldn't have it any other way.

And [seen 00:38:22].

Oh my God. That was crazy.

All right. That was the weirdest thing I've ever been a part of.

Well, we kept going there and then going back and then Randall was kind enough just to push us just ... Thank you so much.

Yeah, that was a tough one.

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So, hey Randall, thank you so much for being a part of this and for doing that really, really awkward improv.

Thank you, Randall. Really appreciate your time.

Yeah. Thanks Randall. Thanks for being such a good sport.

Thank you all for having me. That was super fun.

And thank you all so much for listening. There are hundreds of thousands of podcasts out there, and we're honored you've chosen hours to listen to.

Please check on our website, unofficialofficialstory.com for our show notes or to hear our past episodes.

Be sure to come back next month. We will be answering the question, "Did Babe Ruth call his shot?"

Absolutely not.

No, he definitely did. And he was black, but we don't have to get into that though.

I don't know anything about this, but I do know Babe Ruth was a great baseball player.

Right. Right, right. You sound so sure of yourself when you said that. And he had a pretty good candy bar. Well, [inaudible 00:40:09]. Bye everybody. See you guys.

Bye.