S3E11 Did Hallmark Create Valentine's Day to Sell Cards? with Nat Baimel

S3E11 Hallmark MIX AND MASTER.wav

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:00:00] Tell us about the hallmark card you wish you sent.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:00:02] There's a two if's that never happened. But if I really dominated someone at anything, maybe basketball, and it would be like a sorry, I dominated you card. You know.

Cat Alvarado: [00:00:14] I want to send a Valentine's Day card to my ex, but it's like a Christmas card with me and my current boyfriend just being like, hey, we're doing great. Just here's the update.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:00:22] Super petty.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:00:23] Yeah,

Cat Alvarado: [00:00:24] Yeah. I'm petty.

Nat Baimel: [00:00:25] My wife and I Were literally just talking about why anyone would send Christmas cards of, like, updates on me and my family, and you found the only instance that is acceptable of just pure revenge.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:00:35] Don't look over there.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:00:37] Right, right. Koji sends me one every year. Yeah.

Nat Baimel: [00:00:44] And that's his ex is looking very sad.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:00:48] Well, it'd be great if you send one, like of all the failures of the year, you know.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:00:51] There you go.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:00:52] So that way, like,

Cat Alvarado: [00:00:53] They're failures.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:00:54] Yeah. The family. So like, everyone in the family like you got to come correct. Because yeah, we're going to tell everyone that you got to see, you know,

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:01:01] The card I Would have send is, uh, when I was dating this woman for like ten years, we were kind of on and off, and it was a very volatile relationship. I wish I could have sent earlier, like, maybe in the first year, like, uh, get lost. This is not good for both of us. Kind of card. It'd be best if we both never talk to each other again rather than, you know, because sometimes, like some people, you're just too volatile,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:01:21] Right Right. It's like a there should be an anti codependence section.

Cat Alvarado: [00:01:24] Sometimes the hardest thing is ending it in person. Like if you could just end it from far away.

Nat Baimel: [00:01:29] Yeah.

Cat Alvarado: [00:01:29] Or a text.

Nat Baimel: [00:01:31] Oh that would be amazing if you had just. 

Dwayne Perkins: [00:01:32] that's how the kids Do it now though.

Nat Baimel: [00:01:33] Right? I mean it would be nicer than a text, like one step nicer than a text of you find a card that's just like, what are we still doing? Like just that, that whole section of like, I haven't been happy for years. A little like cute puppy dog eyes.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:01:48] Maybe it plays music and they open it up and it goes, dun dun dun. I was trying to sing another song, but then the, um, Darth Vader song came out. Yeah.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:01:58] Nat, what about you? All right.

Nat Baimel: [00:01:59] So I went into a deep rabbit hole on this one because I was curious about. All right, what are the holidays? What are the holiday cards? How many of them are there? So I started looking. And you know how there's every day is a holiday. It's like National Pancake Day. National this. Why do they have them for tragedies? And I found an entire website that has nothing but 9/11 cards.

Cat Alvarado: [00:02:19] Whoa.

Nat Baimel: [00:02:20] And I don't know why you would send someone a 9/11 card, but my favorite one here, it just says Happy Birthday. The world shall never forget September 11th, the day a legend was born with cross swords and dragons.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:02:36] Wow.

Nat Baimel: [00:02:36] So I assume that's just for a very specific birthday,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:02:40] Right? Right.

Nat Baimel: [00:02:41] But I assume this card is for any day you want, but it just happens to be September 11th. And I let the idea that there are kids young enough that get this, they're just like, this is just for me and don't realize the connotations with it.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:02:53] That's great. That's great. And it would be good for like, even Valentine's Day could be like a picture of the World Trade Center, right?

Nat Baimel: [00:03:00] Yeah.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:03:00] And the plane hitting and be like, I love you so much.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:03:03] I would run into the building.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:03:04] No. Either that or, uh, you're like my bin laden. I'll find you. Wherever you go, I'll find you.

Cat Alvarado: [00:03:15] Oh, my God. A 9/11 card. Wish you were here. Oh,

Nat Baimel: [00:03:20] You just have The towers collapsing down for you hard.

Cat Alvarado: [00:03:24] No.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:03:26] But is it too soon to be 9/11 jokes? Is that too soon or are we?

Nat Baimel: [00:03:29] Oh, I Went further with this. So my wife and I, we got really into Hallmark Christmas movies over the break.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:03:35] Okay.

Nat Baimel: [00:03:36] And how cheesy they are. And I want to see a hallmark 9/11 movie with that same sort of connotation of somebody like, it's the reverse. They leave their small town and go back to New York, the big city to find love are nice. Yeah. And they started a construction company and it's jet fuel can't melt steel dreams.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:03:56] They have to be a barista, though.

Nat Baimel: [00:03:58] Oh, absolutely.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:03:58] Okay. Or an independent bookstore or something.

Cat Alvarado: [00:04:01] I want to See a rom com that takes place during 9/11 where they, like, meet in the staircase, like on the stairwell on the way Down.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:04:07] Right.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:04:09] That would actually be a good story.

Cat Alvarado: [00:04:10] Oh, see? Hey.

Nat Baimel: [00:04:11] Yeah. Yeah, just. Yeah. Like a 90 minute, like, real time sort of a deal. They start off as enemies, and by the time they get to the bottom, they realize the feelings they've had.

Cat Alvarado: [00:04:19] Frienemies from the office.

Nat Baimel: [00:04:20] Yeah.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:04:21] Once one has to be Muslim.

Nat Baimel: [00:04:22] Oh, 100%.

Cat Alvarado: [00:04:24] Okay. That adds some spice.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:04:26] Possibly terrorist. You know, like,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:04:28] This could work. This could work.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:04:30] Friends with somebody on the plane.

Nat Baimel: [00:04:32] This is this is just a pitch session at this point.

Cat Alvarado: [00:04:34] This went too far. But did you guys hear about Vivek Ramaswamy, the Republican candidate?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:04:38] That he quit.

Cat Alvarado: [00:04:39] He quit. But I saw a tweet. It was retweeted of someone who said they didn't vote for him. Mind you, this guy was like super, super like Trumpy and a Republican who said he didn't vote for him because he still has feelings about 9/11 and just can't vote for someone from  Their. 

Nat Baimel: [00:04:55] From their. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:04:56] Like Wrong country.

Nat Baimel: [00:04:58] Wrong Religion too.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:05:00] Yeah that's true.

Cat Alvarado: [00:05:01] Oh my gosh,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:05:02] That's bananas. And in this story they can get back together when the Freedom Tower goes up.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:05:07] Oh. 

Dwayne Perkins: [00:05:07] Yeah. Yeah.

Cat Alvarado: [00:05:09] They both Go back to the place. 

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:05:10] Or They meet while killing bin laden because they're both, uh, Seal team six.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:05:14] Yeah, I like it. And they didn't know they were on because they have the masks and they take the mask off.

Cat Alvarado: [00:05:18] So this is a.

Nat Baimel: [00:05:19] Yeah.

Cat Alvarado: [00:05:19] This is a gay romance.

Nat Baimel: [00:05:22] Yes.

Cat Alvarado: [00:05:22] Because a woman Can't be on Seal team Six.

Nat Baimel: [00:05:25] And then every year on their anniversary, they get each other 9/11 hallmark cards.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:05:30] There you go. It all comes around.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:05:31] Yeah, very, very nice.

Cat Alvarado: [00:05:32] You know What? There are guys in the military, Pete Buttigieg, shout out.

Cat Alvarado: [00:05:40] Welcome, welcome, welcome. This is season three, episode 11 of The Unofficial official story. I'm Cat and I'm happy to be alive. You guys. I was at an intersection and a giant bus ran through a red light.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:05:53] Whoa.

Cat Alvarado: [00:05:54] Yeah, and I had a green light, and I didn't go.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:05:57] Oh, wow.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:05:58] Oh, wow. So you're sort of like, lackadaisical driving saved you.

Cat Alvarado: [00:06:03] That is correct.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:06:03] Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Cat Alvarado: [00:06:05] I was this is when texting and driving is good.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:06:08] Right? Right. Because you should have gone. But that second you didn't.

Cat Alvarado: [00:06:12] And I'm alive.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:06:13] I'm here for that. I'm glad that you didn't drive.

Nat Baimel: [00:06:16] They need to change those signs. Stay alive. Text and drive.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:06:20] Hey, guys. I'm Dwayne and I'm. I was just telling Koji about this before we started. I'm thinking about I might start wearing turtlenecks to bed just because my neck gets cold and I'm sick of it. So that's my thing.

Cat Alvarado: [00:06:32] And maybe. Maybe I'll have ideas like Steve Jobs.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:06:36] Right? Exactly, exactly.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:06:38] And I'm Koji, and I'm a big believer of the sleep blanket.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:06:41] It's like a Snuggie.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:06:42] It's like a blanket you put on. It has, like, arm things and then like, they're super, super warm. Me and my whole family, my son has it. I have it. Two Christmases ago, I bought it for my wife, and then he she actually bought it for me and my son without knowing it. So we all bought a sleep blanket for each other. Yeah, it was kind of crazy.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:06:57] That's like, if you like pina colada, you know, it's like you both.

Cat Alvarado: [00:07:01] Totally.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:07:01] Bought each other, you know what I mean? What is it called? Furries, right? I feel like. 

Dwayne Perkins: [00:07:07] It's not a furry thing.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:07:08] No, no, but I feel like it's a gateway.

Nat Baimel: [00:07:10] Go on.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:07:11] I feel like I feel. Like wearing blankets with arms is a gateway to furydom. I could be wrong.

Cat Alvarado: [00:07:16] Okay, okay.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:07:18] And then right around the corner from incel, right.

Nat Baimel: [00:07:20] That is the. I Feel like it's the Gen Z equivalent of marijuana is a gateway drug.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:07:27] Right?

Nat Baimel: [00:07:27] So you smoke weed, next thing you know, you're in an alley shooting up heroin. Now it's like, oh, yeah, you like being comfortable. Yeah, we'll enjoy that when you're sweating your ass off in a fur suit at a convention in Las Vegas.

Cat Alvarado: [00:07:38] For sex perverts.

Nat Baimel: [00:07:40] Yeah, furry sex perverts for perverts.

Cat Alvarado: [00:07:45] Anyways, this is where we tell you the official story. We look at the paranormal conspiracies, unexplained phenomena, cryptids and true crime. And by the end, we'll tell you what really maybe happened. It's February, and you know what that means. Bring on the heart shaped chocolates and roses. Because Cupid is coming your way. Or is he? Maybe he's not. Today, in honor of the so-called month of love, we will investigate whether hallmark created Valentine's Day as a card selling scheme. But first, let's introduce our guest comedian Nat Bymel.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:08:20] Yay yay yay!

Nat Baimel: [00:08:22] Thanks for Having me!

Cat Alvarado: [00:08:24] Nat Bimel is a comedian, upbeat, problem solver, awkward philosopher, and optimistic nihilist with a knack for always looking on the bright side. His dark, smart, well-crafted material often tackles the most serious of subjects in a silly manner that will make you laugh as much as it will make you think. You've likely seen Nat online, as his jokes have garnered tens of millions of views and been shared hundreds of thousands of times across MTV, BuzzFeed, The Chive, Cheezburger, Collegehumor's Laughs on Fox, rolling Stone, and the front page of Reddit dozens of times. His albums Be Nice and Nihilist Pep Talk debuted at top Amazon and iTunes comedy charts and play regularly on XM radio. He's also been heard on Gabriel Iglesias Stand Up Revolution on XM radio, and performed on Inside Joke with Asif Ali on Amazon Prime. Ah yeah. Welcome, Nat.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:09:15] The first paragraph of your bio is one of the best well-written things I've ever seen.

Nat Baimel: [00:09:19] Oh well, thank you. I was actually worried if it was going to be way too many credits for this podcast, but, uh, little inside baseball for everyone listening. The podcast studio. We are surrounded by all of Koji's accomplishments. So I'm just like, no, keep going. I feel like I need to, like, measure up to this. It's like, that was also, uh, zombie number three in Bakini Zombie High School. I was actually so good in that movie. They killed me multiple times on camera.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:09:43] Oh, nice.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:09:44] That's pretty good.

Nat Baimel: [00:09:45] Yeah, uncredited. But I want you to know that was me. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:09:48] Oh my Goodness. Wow. I just realized there's a whole other paragraph on your credit.

Nat Baimel: [00:09:52] I will sit here and wait as you read it. Oh. Well please don't. I feel perfectly validated by just being here, so thank you for having me.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:10:00] What does it mean To be an awkward philosopher?

Nat Baimel: [00:10:02] I very much, with my comedy, try to make people think and potentially change their worldview. But at the same time, I'm also a very, like, twinkish awkward man. Uh, like literally on the drive over here, I was listening to Marcus Aurelius's stoic philosophy and it's like, yeah, no one's gonna take me seriously if I try to, like, push this out because I'm just a very, uh, impish man. And so by just addressing it, they're like, okay, he knows, because if you're just up there being like, hey, everybody is like, does he know how uncomfortable he looks?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:10:29] But have you ever felt that you were accomplishing your goal? Uh, one of the goals in terms of changing how people think while you're on stage, and that must be a good feeling when that happens, right?

Nat Baimel: [00:10:38] Yeah.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:10:38] So one speak to that. Then also speak to because I feel like crowds, you can completely shape them and make them go a certain way. The next guy does something and you're like, it's all undone. Like, why did I even try? Because it's like if you laughed at me. I can't believe you're laughing at this other thing. Like, what happened, guys? I thought we had. Not that you want the guy after you the bomb. But it's just what he's doing shouldn't work.

Nat Baimel: [00:11:01] In the moment. Sometimes I'll feel like I've got him. I'm really doing it. Like I don't want to name names, but I did a club in Tulsa, Oklahoma, a long time ago and, you know, very red, very conservative. And I do at the time a closing joke about religion. And I really got him on board. And the headliner that night pulled me aside, was like, man, it's like a magic trick. I can't believe you didn't get him to agree with that. I'm like, oh, thank you. I feel I didn't do it. And then he just goes up there and his closer is like, here's how drunk people dance. Dit dit dit dit dit. Dit dit dit dit. Dit. And the people are like walking past me. He'd be like, that was the greatest bit of comedy I've ever seen. And I'm like, well, I had them in the moment.

Cat Alvarado: [00:11:38] I remember I was doing a comedy competition. I was it was a festival, but like I had, I had this bit that was about like colonization of Latin America. But I made it funny. I swear I Did. But it was smart. And then the guy went up after me and he was like, do you like impressions? And then he did an impression of someone trying to find the off button for their flat screen TV. And and the crowd went wild. It way more wild than my very smart joke.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:12:06] Because. Sometimes the button is underneath, sometimes it's on the side, sometimes in the back. So, I mean, that's kooky, you know what I mean?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:12:17] Okay, let me ask you a philosophical question then. This is the question I love more than anything. Okay, so say there's a person who's born without any senses.

Nat Baimel: [00:12:23] Yes.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:12:23] Does that person have a thought?

Nat Baimel: [00:12:24] I think they do have thoughts. It's just different than how we would conceptualize thoughts.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:12:28] Some people would Say, obviously that, you know, because there's no interaction with with the senses. There could be no thought. Other people believe that the thought comes inherent. Right?

Nat Baimel: [00:12:36] So you're saying no, not even like beyond Helen Keller. So can't feel.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:12:41] They're in bed and they're feeding tubes and they've never tasted, never felt, never seen, never Heard.

Nat Baimel: [00:12:47] I would say if they're conscious, then. 

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:12:49] They're alive.

Nat Baimel: [00:12:50] So they're alive but conscious away. Their brain is moving. I would say if there's brainwave activity, that would be proof of thought of some variety. It's not how we would conceptualize it, kind of the idea of are there colors that we haven't seen? It's like maybe on the spectrum. I think some animals see it in different wavelengths than we do, but we don't have the gear to see those sort of things, whereas I think them their way of experiencing the world would be so diminutive compared to what we do that we can't really imagine it.

Cat Alvarado: [00:13:19] The answer is no unless you believe in past lives. Oh, right. Because then they would have thoughts. They'd be like, hey, I was literally just at 9/11 and now I'm a baby with no spine, with a feeding tube, and I. What just happened? Like, why am I a preemie? Now?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:13:39] Don't get me started on my past life hypnosis.

Nat Baimel: [00:13:42] Do get started.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:13:43] Please. Please don't. Actually. Yes.

Nat Baimel: [00:13:45] Oh.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:13:48] Let me just say this. 

Dwayne Perkins: [00:13:48] I've heard this a few times, but it's good.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:13:50] I'll only say this. I only did it because we have a we have a traveling dog, a veterinarian, and and she was like, I was she was like a flower. And like, she was a beautiful plant in the rainforest. And I was like, oh, I want to do this. I want to do this. And let me just say, all mine were super boring and not fun, but hers was super awesome. And that's that just goes to show that the vet is an amazing human being because she was always like this amazing thing and I was. Never. 

Dwayne Perkins: [00:14:11] You had a bunch of like, bad relationships and you murdered just you killed yourself in all of your past lives.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:14:17] I killed myself in almost every one.

Nat Baimel: [00:14:18] Every one? Yeah. Koji,

Cat Alvarado: [00:14:20] I'm Glad this Life is goin Well for you.

Nat Baimel: [00:14:23] Koji we love you. We appreciate you.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:14:27] So. Yeah, well, it was crazy, though, is that you remember the story in the beginning where I dated this person for, like, ten years? Well, in all the other ones, that that relationship would have killed me.

Nat Baimel: [00:14:35] Yeah.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:14:35] After. After I went through the hypnosis, I realized that. Oh, what's awesome about this world is that I went on. Oh, right. So first, when I first went through, I was like, super depressed. I was like, the fuck, this is the worst. But then after I was like, oh, this is pretty awesome because it just proves that this is the best one.

Nat Baimel: [00:14:50] Yeah,

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:14:50] Of all my lives. I mean, I was never a cool person. I was never a fun person. I was always miserable, but this was like the one that I was the most happy, the most successful, the most happy with a family and, you know, everything. So. 

Dwayne Perkins: [00:15:01] Very Nice. And I guess with that other thing with the brain, it doesn't just exist to regulate the body and have senses. It has its own synapses. Right. So if you didn't have any senses, the brain would probably then go inward and and feel its own.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:15:16] I mean There's a whole school of thought of that.

Nat Baimel: [00:15:17] Yeah.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:15:18] People have no thoughts that your thought is all like your entire thought is based on, like how you interact with the world. And then other people will believe that there's there's something before it, like, kind of like God or spiritual because that would have to be God or spiritual unless it's like past life or something. Right? Because then how do you know anybody? Anything? Because you can't interact with anything,

Cat Alvarado: [00:15:35] Although. You wonder, like, would you develop your own language of communicating To yourself the way that twins learn language and they make up languages.

Nat Baimel: [00:15:44] Maybe I'm just stuck on your past selves killing themselves so many times. Maybe they knew how good this life was gonna be and killed themselves to get to it faster.

Cat Alvarado: [00:15:54] Were they  All comedians? And then this time you're like.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:15:57] No.

Cat Alvarado: [00:15:58] I'm gonna be a writer.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:16:00] The funniest one was I was a Caucasian guard in an internment camp in Manzanar, and I was in love with this Japanese American girl. But she wouldn't talk to me because I was the White Guard. So I was like, super sad. But we had some kind of relationship. But now she wouldn't talk to me. And I was really sad and just standing there with like, you know, like on the Watchtower. It was really sad. It was really pathetic. All of them were pathetic. I'm sorry. So tell me what.

Nat Baimel: [00:16:22] Go on.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:16:23] Have you always wanted to be a comedian?

Nat Baimel: [00:16:24] Um, I've never really wanted to be anything normal. When I was really young, I wanted to be a pro wrestler,

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:16:30] A pro wrestler.

Nat Baimel: [00:16:31] Oh, yeah. I still love pro wrestling to this day. Uh, when I was a teenager, I wanted to be in a band. I was into, like, you know, playing music and whatnot. Uh, then every band I was in, we never practiced and never went anywhere. And then in college, I tried stand up once and thought, oh, I don't need to rely on other people for this. Hell yeah. And so I got into stand up and it was mostly just a hobby. But then I started getting paid to do it, and I'm like, well, I guess this is what I'm doing now.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:16:55] You can still be a wrestler.

Nat Baimel: [00:16:56] I guess I could, but I'm also 38. My knees hurt when I wake up and I'm like, that's that's a bad time to start.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:17:02] Where did you grow up again?

Nat Baimel: [00:17:03] I grew up in South Florida.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:17:05] Oh, nice. Nice, nice.

Nat Baimel: [00:17:06] Yeah. And I went to school, uh, and started comedy in Orlando, Florida.

Cat Alvarado: [00:17:09] Do you Know Ian?

Nat Baimel: [00:17:10] Ian Gutowski.

Cat Alvarado: [00:17:11] Yes.

Nat Baimel: [00:17:12] Shout out Ian. It's hosti. I love that man.

Cat Alvarado: [00:17:15] Ian Gutowski. Okay, I knew I knew you from somewhere. Yeah. Cool. Hi.

Nat Baimel: [00:17:19] Hello.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:17:21] Didn't you book him? I mean, what's happening right now?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:17:24] Did you just Show up out of the blue?

Nat Baimel: [00:17:27] Yeah, I think when you were first starting, I remember. I think we talked about this before, when you were first starting, like, Ian was like doing, like a course or just like a community for, like, newer comics and, like.

Cat Alvarado: [00:17:36] Helping me write stuff.

Nat Baimel: [00:17:36] Yeah. And I remember, like, he, uh, like, I was hanging out with him one day. He's like, oh, can you help me with, like, these students or whatever terms he used of mine? And I think you were one of them. I'm just like, hey, let's do that. Because I used to teach comedy a level two course at the Westside Theatre, and it's really cool to see. It's like most people overwhelmingly quit right away, but there's a handful that are still doing it.

Cat Alvarado: [00:17:57] I'm just like, quit after ten years, but it's fine.

Nat Baimel: [00:18:00] No, hey. That's longer than most people last. I've seen people who don't make it to the end of the course.

Cat Alvarado: [00:18:08] Okay, let's get the story straight once and for all.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:18:11] Let's do It.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:18:11] Let's do it.

Cat Alvarado: [00:18:12] Um hum.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:18:12] Did hallmark create Valentine's Day to sell cards? First, let's look at the origins of Valentine's Day. Here's what BBC Newsround has to say. The first Valentine's Day was in the year 496 years after Christ, and is thought to have originated from a Roman festival called Lupercalia in the middle of February, officially the start of their springtime. Later on, the church wanted to turn this festival into a Christian celebration and decided to use it to remember Saint Valentine as well. Gradually, his name started to be used by people to express their feelings to those they loved.

Cat Alvarado: [00:18:45] That's sweet. Valentine's day has strayed far from its romantic roots since then. According to The Washington Post, a 2015 survey found that 66% of respondents agreed that the consumerism surrounding Valentine's Day has ruined the romance. But that didn't stop Americans from spending a record $20.1 billion on Valentine's Day in 2018, with 751 million devoted for gifts to their truest loved ones, their pet.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:19:14] I like that. I like the pets. That's my favorite part.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:19:16] Yeah,

Nat Baimel: [00:19:16] Yeah, I Don't think that's enough money to spend on their pets Personally,

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:19:19] At the last economic downturn, um, Whole Foods business went down except for the pet area, the pet part of it, because people were like, I don't need the organic broccoli anymore. But my pet, she needs the love. She needs the organic chicken raw, you know.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:19:35] Banana sandwich. I always think of cranberry sauce and, uh, you know, the cranberry sauce people, they hitch their wagon to Thanksgiving.

Nat Baimel: [00:19:42] Yeah.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:19:42] Which is smart. But now, in retrospect, they probably wish they would have been like the Valentine's Day food could have just been put cranberries in the chocolate. Right. Mhm. Boom. There you go anyway.

Cat Alvarado: [00:19:52] Aren't they sour.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:19:53] Yeah.

Nat Baimel: [00:19:54] Tart. 

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:19:55] But Sour. Sweet. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:19:56] My Sour Valentine's. 

Dwayne Perkins: [00:19:58] Sour And sweet work.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:19:59] Yeah. Sour sweet work. Yeah yeah yeah.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:20:00] And it doesn't stop there. Here are more stats from FHS press that show just how capitalistic Valentine's Day has become. According to the Greeting Card Association, 1 billion cards are sent each year for the holiday, making Valentine's Day the second largest card sending holiday of the year. What's the first.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:20:17] Christmas?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:20:17] Oh, okay. That makes Sense.

Cat Alvarado: [00:20:18] 4th of July.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:20:19] Groundhog's Day. That's when I send all my gift cards.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:20:24] Yeah. To be fair, hallmark did defend itself from rumors about inventing Valentine's Day. According to FS press. It stated that while we're honored that people so closely link the hallmark name with celebrations and special occasions, we can't take credit for creating holidays like Valentine's Day. But this hasn't done much to solve the Valentine's Day backlash.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:20:42] Can I just say I've worked in corporate? I think some of you guys have worked in corporate. I'm just wondering how many times how many drafts that response to Valentine's Day conspiracy had to go through. Like somebody wrote it and they're like, ah, this is not quite the right.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:20:54] Right, right. Right.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:20:54] You know,

Nat Baimel: [00:20:55] Yeah,

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:20:55] We wanted and. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:20:56] We're a happy company. It has to sound happy.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:20:59] Not we can't be defensive about it because this is also like the second biggest, you know, holiday that we have.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:21:04] I'm amazed that hallmark I mean I know they've sort of diversified with their great movies.

Nat Baimel: [00:21:09] Yeah.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:21:10] Um, like, I figured once we got all got computers and things, the cards would stop because like. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:21:15] I send gifts.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:21:16] Also like you can't physically keep every card you get even if you appreciate them. So it's kind of like, I don't know what's happening.

Nat Baimel: [00:21:22] All right. Roundtable discussion. How long do you keep a card from a relative that sends it to you on a holiday before you think it's okay to throw it away?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:21:30] Probably a year or two.

Nat Baimel: [00:21:31] Oh, wow.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:21:32] It's when I'm cleaning up. No, it's when I'm cleaning up and I'm like, ah, I'm like, I'm getting my Marie Kondo on. And I'm like, yeah, I can I can part ways with this. It's not right away. It should be. It should be like a few weeks. But for me it's probably a year or two.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:21:44] You have all my Christmas cards though, right?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:21:45] I have most of them. Yeah. And then and Then And then there's like a dresser or a box or something that's just getting to be unruly. And then I go through it and then I'm like, I thank the card and I throw it away.

Nat Baimel: [00:21:57] Yeah.

Cat Alvarado: [00:21:58] Card box.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:21:59] What about you? What do you how long do you keep your card?

Nat Baimel: [00:22:01] So this goes back to my philosophical nature. Uh, my dad died when I was very young. That sort of shaped my worldview. So part of me is always thinking, like, people I love can die at any moment. So in the back of my mind, I'm like, I don't want to throw certain things away because what if they die? But at the same time, I also don't want to be a hoarder. So I need to find that beautiful little sweet spot. So I'll keep 1 or 2 cards that I'll just have permanently. And sometimes I'll replace if like, oh, this one I liked better than this one.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:22:26] Interesting.

Nat Baimel: [00:22:27] And keep that and then I'll keep, you know, some voicemails to just have the voice and everything. But aside from that, it'll be, uh, that's nice trash,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:22:35] Right? Right. I like your system, though, because,

Nat Baimel: [00:22:37] Yeah,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:22:37] Basically you've given yourself the you've allowed yourself and giving yourself the leeway to throw most of them away and just keep 1 or 2. I keep too many and then eventually throw them away. So I like that. I think that's. 

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:22:48] What about you Cat 

Cat Alvarado: [00:22:48] Okay. So if they're just like writing then I'll read it and then like give it a little hug and then throw it away. Like thank you. Like I fully Marie Kondo it. Like thank you for this sentiment.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:22:59] Right, right.

Cat Alvarado: [00:22:59] And then if there is a picture of people on it, like if it's a someone, if it's Koji and his family, I leave it on my refrigerator and. Until it becomes uncomfortable and someone else makes me do something about it.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:23:12] Oh, nice. Nice. And you know, the thing is, in life, it's sort of like any kind of change. It's the change doesn't come immediate and you will be challenged almost immediately. Right. And so what I mean by that, like you say, don't be too sentimental and I'm not that sentimental. But the one time I was like, let me stop being sentimental, it just burned me.

Nat Baimel: [00:23:30] Yeah.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:23:30] So I'm doing a show with Richard Jenni at the Comedy Magic Club, and he's, uh, one of my favorites. Just an incredible comic. Underrated. All the comics of his era say he was the best. So anyway. But he was a little depressed, and he never got to be as big as he should have. But he was definitely big enough. So he had a very particular way he wanted to be brought on stage, and I was hosting at the Comedy Magic. So instead of just saying, you know, tell them I'm this, I'm that. He literally wrote it out like, and just read this exactly as is. And and he signed it, Richard Jeni at the bottom. So I read it and it basically I have a signature with his, his intro. And then I'm cleaning up and uh, a few weeks later I'm like, I'm looking at it. I'm like, this is kind of cool, you know? Dwayne, stop this shit, throw it away. And then two weeks later, he dies.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:24:09] Um, so it's your fault,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:24:11] Right?

Cat Alvarado: [00:24:13] You caused it to happen.

Nat Baimel: [00:24:16] I'm gonna update his Wikipedia tonight.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:24:18] And I just. I kind of wish I had it at that moment, and I should have kept it anyway, because he's one of my comedy heroes. But I just thought sentimentality is what you embody something with. It doesn't have that thing right. He's still my favorite, one of my favorite comics. So I just had a moment of just sort of like, let me not be this way, and then boom.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:24:33] Well, it's funny about what you were saying about your dad, because my dad would died when he was when I was pretty young. And I have all these things of his because they mean a lot more to me.

Nat Baimel: [00:24:41] Yeah,

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:24:41] Because he died early, whereas my mom, she lived until I was like in my 40s. So I have almost nothing of hers because she was with me for so long. So it's interesting because, like you, my son was asking me, we have this, um, box and she's like, why do you keep like, I don't like stuff, I don't want stuff, but I'll keep this box because it's my dad's stuff. And it like, no matter what, I went to college and I moved apartments. I would always lug this freaking box everywhere because it meant so much. Because it was just that thing, you know?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:25:05] Right. And this, this conversation is like literally giving us insight as to why hallmark can even exist.

Nat Baimel: [00:25:10] Yeah,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:25:11] They're Just tapping right into this.

Nat Baimel: [00:25:13] It's like, hey. These people's trauma, we can make profit off of this.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:25:20] All right. In fact, criticism has gone so far as to inspire the coining of a new term, the hallmark holiday. Wikipedia defines a hallmark holiday as a holiday that is perceived to exist primarily for commercial purposes, rather than to commemorate a traditionally or historically significant event. The website also notes the name comes from Hallmark Cards, a privately owned American company that benefits from such manufactured events through sales of greeting cards and other items. Some other holidays it lists as Hallmark holidays are Mother's Day, Father's Day, Sweetest Day which I have no idea what the hell that is, and teacher's appreciation.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:25:51] Okay, let's talk about.  Let's talk about Sweetest Day real quick.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:25:53] Is that a thing?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:25:54] Yeah, I was in Chicago and it happens in October, and I was in Chicago in 1st October. And everyone's talking about Sweetest Day, and I'm like, what the hell are you guys talking about? And I guess it's catching on. They don't like you calling it this, but it's kind of like the second Valentine's Day. It's just this Midwest thing. It started with a guy giving a bunch of kids candy.

Nat Baimel: [00:26:13] Bad start already. 

Dwayne Perkins: [00:26:14] Like orphans.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:26:16] That sounds.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:26:16] He gave them candy. No, no, no. Oh, I see what you're saying. No no. No no. No no. This was a different, simpler time. So this guy was like a candy maker and these were orphans. And, um, there was. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:26:29] It was Not a priest.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:26:30] Right? Not a priest. And he didn't give it to him personally. It wasn't in a van or a park. He had a famous actor actress at the time. She pulled up to the orphanage and gave all the kids candy. So it was like a photo op thing. And that happened a few times. And then somehow that morphed to giving. It was Sweetest Day, but it was about giving people who needed things. It was like a charity. And then that became it became like for your girlfriend or boyfriend, significant other. Somehow it morphed, but it certainly was sort of manufactured because even the first guy who did it owned a candy company. And so, yeah, if you're in the Midwest, it's this weird thing that you have to. This just is weird. Second, Valentine's Day,

Cat Alvarado: [00:27:04] Any Holiday could be invented. Like if you go back like thousand years or more, right? And let's say you've got, like, this tiny little village in Italy. Okay, let's pretend it's ancient Rome before it became an empire. Right, baby Rome. And you're just like the mayor of baby Rome. And you need to stimulate the economy. So you're like, I need these people to give each other presents. Like I just need them to buy things. So you make a holiday.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:27:26] But here's the thing. Even like Da Beers, they basically created the engagement ring tradition. It wasn't a thing until literally the 1900s. And now it's like, where's my ring? You know? But we talk about sentimentality. People know it. People especially with Da Beers that's documented like this. Maybe, maybe, maybe not. We know the bears did this, but any guy listening to the sound of my voice. Good luck telling your your girlfriend. You know what? That holiday was completely made up. So let's get married. I don't have a ring. Let's let's buck the system. It's like.

Nat Baimel: [00:27:59] Oh, I just I just went with, uh, blood diamonds as a terrible thing. That was My excuse.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:28:03] Right? Right. That's a little better.

Cat Alvarado: [00:28:05] Yeah. It's like, no, I'm a good person.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:28:08] Let's watch a documentary. About child Labor.

Nat Baimel: [00:28:10] Or, if you prefer, there's Leonardo DiCaprio movie I can show you.

Cat Alvarado: [00:28:14] Mhm.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:28:15] So it's like even. Yeah, I'm kind of agreeing with you like a holiday could be made up, but if enough people do it then the other people don't want to not do it.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:28:23] You can have so much fun like in Japan. I don't know if you guys know this, but in Japan, KFC is the thing that they do on a Christmas.

Cat Alvarado: [00:28:29] I thought we were going To talk about the penis week.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:28:31] Oh there's that.

Nat Baimel: [00:28:31] Wait, what?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:28:32] But but so on Christmas, like Japanese people eat at KFC, it's like the place you go. It's like turkey for us on Thanksgiving, it's KFC.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:28:42] And then how does that happen?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:28:43] Right? Well, it was all about. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:28:45] Kids. Jesus went to Japan.

Nat Baimel: [00:28:48] Which is funny because so many of us have Japanese food on Christmas because a lot of times that's all that's open or Chinese. I mean, anything like that, it will be open. But over there, I guess KFC is the thing that's open. So it's flipped around.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:29:02] Well, I think. It's probably because, I mean, part of it is probably because it's an American or Western holiday. Kfc is like Western.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:29:08] What happened was the KFC people went over there and they said, you know, not for nothing. But back in America, we all eat KFC on Christmas. And they were like, okay, well, if you guys. Do it, actually.

Cat Alvarado: [00:29:19] This isn't Colonel Sanders. This is Santa Claus,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:29:21] Right?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:29:22] So Cat do you want to talk about Penis Week?

Nat Baimel: [00:29:24] Yeah. You can't just leave that dangling That's. 

Dwayne Perkins: [00:29:27] Dangling.

Cat Alvarado: [00:29:29] Okay, I know very little about this, but there is a festival somewhere in Japan at some point in the year where it's just a penis parade, like people aren't walking around with their pants out or anything, but they make like, like the Rose parade, but it's dicks.

Nat Baimel: [00:29:43] So it's. An open mike night in Los Angeles, is what you're telling Me.

Cat Alvarado: [00:29:47] That's right. It is a set at the Comedy Store where a lot of the Comedy Store. But yeah, and then they have, like, penis shaped foods and penis hats and all of that. And it's just like a celebration of. 

Nat Baimel: [00:29:59] It's. It sounds like they saw a bachelorette party and thought, we can make this a whole festival.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:30:04] Right, right.

Cat Alvarado: [00:30:05] Exactly. So I don't know how it started. We'll have to do an episode on the penis holiday of Japan. Was it to, like, stimulate, uh. Stimulate, boy, get people to understand about their own, like, prostate health? I don't know, like, get yourselves checked, everybody. We're gonna have a whole holiday.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:30:22] Everybody should. At 45, you should get you should get your, uh. You should do the whole thing.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:30:26] Gotta get it done.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:30:27] It's super terrible, though. Yeah, I went through the whole thing. It was terrible. Don't do it or do it,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:30:31] Do it. But. Yeah,

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:30:32] But it's like super terrible.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:30:33] Don't enjoy.

Cat Alvarado: [00:30:33] It. Makes sense. We have like, breast cancer awareness stuff all the time. So. 

Nat Baimel: [00:30:37] Yeah.

Cat Alvarado: [00:30:37] Yeah. If it's if it's that vein I feel like it's not weird. Anyways, back to hallmark. According to this other article from Misbar, the tradition of handing out Valentine's Day cards in America started before hallmark was founded. So myth busted. In the mid 19th century, an American woman named Esther Howland sold the first mass produced cards that featured the characteristic designs of hearts and lace that are common today. After her death in 1904, one newspaper called her the mother of the American Valentine. Hallmark wasn't founded until 1910.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:31:12] Oh, there you go.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:31:13] Um.

Cat Alvarado: [00:31:13] Boom.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:31:14] Uh, well. What does ChatGPT think? Chatgpt, who created Valentine's Day?

ChatGPT: [00:31:19] On Valentine's Day, the hallmark store transformed into a chamber of horror. The air thick with a sickeningly sweet scent of love, cloaked a sinister. Undercurrent as couples perused romantic cards and trinkets, whispers echoed through the aisles. Unsettling melodies emanated from a forsaken music box hidden among the shelves, greetings cards once adorned with saccharine verses twisted into malevolent messages foretelling doom in the dim light, the cheery decorations mutated into grotesque shapes, shadows danced on crimson walls, embodying the darker side of love. Those who dared linger too long found their hearts entwined in a ghastly fate cursed within the hallmark of this oh.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:32:02] So sounds like she bought a black guy home.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:32:11] All right. It's time to put on our thinking caps. Is Valentine's Day all that we make it out to be today? Or is it just a scheme hallmark invented to rake in the bills? When we return, we'll settle this once and for all and figure out what really maybe happened.

Cat Alvarado: [00:32:26] Now that we've reviewed the evidence, let's give our theories. 

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:32:29] Mines a little bit. It's a little bit out there, but I think it's probably the accurate one. So we'll just go with it. It's the idea that hallmark isn't just a company, but they actually are a company that really is trying to help humanity. They realize that the amount of love was going down, and that without a certain amount of love, the world was going to explode. And so they created hallmark, or they started hallmark, created Valentine's Day so that the love would always go up. But now there's this backlash that's happening and the love is going down. And this is why in 2016, Donald Trump was elected.

Cat Alvarado: [00:32:59] I see. I would like to I would like to put my theory, which is going to piggyback on your theory. So you might have heard of an alien named Valient Thorr.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:33:08] Yes.

Cat Alvarado: [00:33:08] Who came down to tell Eisenhower to make the world a better place.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:33:11] That was episode Two,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:33:12] I thought That you were Going to go this way?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:33:13] Yeah, that was episode two of season one.

Cat Alvarado: [00:33:15] My theory is that hallmark is run secretly by Valient Thorr and his minions from whatever planet they're from, to help the Earth be more loving. There you go.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:33:27] He was our. Space brother and space sister.

Cat Alvarado: [00:33:28] Mhm. So that's my, uh, that's my theory. It's a, it's a adding on to Koji. 

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:33:33] I like that What about you, Dwayne.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:33:35] I like that you guys are making me switch up because I was going to go a different way. I don't know what that called. So I don't want to go Illuminati because that's I don't know, but some cabal of rich people.

Cat Alvarado: [00:33:45] The Kardashians go on.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:33:46] Yeah, yeah. They basically their thing is to sort of it goes kind of like even on a more macro level, like capitalism is just sort of like a flashy version of communism, you know what I mean? So the whole thing is to get to keep poor people poor, you know, um, uh, or at least wait.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:34:02] Hallmark is or just capitalism.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:34:04] No. Some. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:34:05] Macro at the macro level

Nat Baimel: [00:34:07] Yeah.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:34:07] It's to keep poor people poor. And, um, the main way to do that is, you know, under educate them. But also alcohol plays, any kind of addiction plays a big role. And then but it's not enough. Right. Because people make a salary and actually we can mass produce things like everything really should be free, blah, blah, blah in a way. So you're like, okay, some of them are going to be undereducated and some of them are going to just drink or do drugs or eat bad. But just to be safe, we need more. So we need them to spend more on Christmas. We need to just sort of like throw some holidays in there where they'll spend money that they don't have, like Christmas is the main one and then they need they were like, well, Christmas is good, but then it's just coming out of it. Let's throw another thing right smack dab there. So they spend some more money they don't have.

Nat Baimel: [00:34:51] And then on to their a few months later onto Mother's Day, then Father's Day and yeah, so on and so forth.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:34:57] Yeah.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:34:57] And then Labor Day. 

Dwayne Perkins: [00:34:58] And then you got, you got birthdays whenever, whenever birthdays happen. So, uh,

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:35:02] Teacher appreciation.

Nat Baimel: [00:35:03] Oh yeah.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:35:03] Yeah. So basically even like, get well soon cards. What, do you have a phone? Hey, man. Get well. Boom. Anyway, so. But, uh, so I wasn't going to go this way. I was actually had a, I had something that was a little bit cynical, but not this cynical. But. Yeah, I think it's, um, most of the holidays in America and how we celebrate them are to sort of like, separate people from their finances. Yeah.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:35:25] I keep my slave.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:35:26] Keep them where they're At.

Nat Baimel: [00:35:27] Yeah. I mean Teacher Appreciation Day, if you want to appreciate teachers, give them a livable wage. But oh, no, a card. There you Go.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:35:34] But even funerals, like 200 years ago, we didn't have funerals in the same way we have now. You know, it's like someone dies.

Cat Alvarado: [00:35:40] Someone out in the backyard for the coyotes.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:35:42] You kind of buried them or something. But now it's like, uh, the embalming, the this, the this, the this.

Cat Alvarado: [00:35:47] What are we Egyptian,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:35:48] You Know, it's like, uh, probably $5,000 to bury someone that's on the low End.

Nat Baimel: [00:35:51] That's very low end. Yeah. 

Dwayne Perkins: [00:35:53] And it's like even the casket, you know, it's kind of like, uh,

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:35:55] Just. A plot of land is More.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:35:57] Yeah. The casket. It's like, well, do you want them to be? And everyone was like, well, we want them to have the good casket. You really want them to have the good casket, and you don't even know if they're in that casket, right? Like they could put them in. And as soon as you leave, take the casket. I don't think they do this.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:36:10] I'm not gonna Go to your funeral Home.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:36:10] Right, right, right. But they could do it. They could use the same casket.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:36:16] Well, monetizing things, I mean, it's it's kind of like what happened during Covid. It was super funny. It's like, okay, so somebody would die of Covid. That's which is not funny, but they die of Covid. And then all of a sudden there's a GoFundMe. Oh, instead of doing the GoFundMe, why can't we just have free medical care for everybody? You don't need the GoFundMe. You don't need to like, go in $80,000 into debt because you died and now your family's strapped with this like crazy bill. They can't never pay off.

Cat Alvarado: [00:36:36] Wait, so if someone gets sick and then their family. Oh man, if you get sick and you have a medical bill, it just goes on to your family.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:36:43] Yeah,

Nat Baimel: [00:36:43] Yeah.

Cat Alvarado: [00:36:43] That sucks.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:36:44] It's a bill. Yeah,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:36:45] Yeah. Think about even a wedding. Like some people will get married and that marriage will cost what? A down payment on a home could have been.

Cat Alvarado: [00:36:53] Oh my gosh. Yeah.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:36:54] Maybe even a home, depending on how much it costs. So yeah, it's just sort of like taps into our sentimentality. But for in a bad way to make people make unsound decisions. And it's like, I always wish I. At Susie Orman with me. Like, I wish I could just have her with me and then she could just talk for me. And when I'm telling people like how to spend money and you don't see her as much because I don't know, maybe. She's just. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:37:15] She's Out of Fashion. People don't like someone to be a nag,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:37:17] Right? Because her whole thing was like, people would call and be like, hey, Susie, uh, I want to get this boat. And she'd always be like, no, you can't get a boat. Yeah, what the fuck is wrong with you? You don't have the money. Then they're like, you know, Susie, you're a buzzkill. We don't like. You're a downer. Let the man get his boat. So I don't know if if she's been muted or not. Because if you're family or in a relationship, you can't tell someone not to buy something.

Cat Alvarado: [00:37:38] Oh, yeah,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:37:38] But you're like, hey, not me, Susie Orman. Yeah, she's a goddamn specialist. Okay. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:37:44] My boyfriend, he and his friends have this tradition. He and his best friends. But it's like three of them where every time it's one of their birthdays, they'll take the other one out to a really fancy dinner. But they've been out doing each other for years. And now these dinners are like $600 dinners and and, like, there's three friends. So that's three birthdays. I'm like, babe, you're spending essentially $2,000 a year just with these three guys taking them out to dinner. And I understand that over the course Of a year,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:38:12] They should be spending That on you. You know.

Cat Alvarado: [00:38:14] Way more on me,

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:38:15] But it's really The blowjob that it's not.

Cat Alvarado: [00:38:22] Like it's a lot. 

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:38:23] Its for The happy ending.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:38:25] And so I know you have to go. Still not. But it's like my heroes are always these guys. And like, these guys should write books. You hear about these guys who they're married and they convinced their, like lady to live off the grid. They don't celebrate holidays. And you're like, how did you do that, dude? Like, sometimes it's like their religion. Like they might be, you know, Quakers or Jehovah Witness.

Nat Baimel: [00:38:44] Yeah.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:38:45] But sometimes just just one rogue dude that just said to his lady, this is how we're running it. We're not celebrating holidays. We're living off the grid. And you're like, how? How did you do that? You know.

Cat Alvarado: [00:38:54] Because she Wanted it to.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:38:56] Maybe. Yeah.

Cat Alvarado: [00:38:57] You don't you don't convince someone of that. You find. 

Dwayne Perkins: [00:38:59] Oh I see.  Right, right.

Nat Baimel: [00:39:01] Like you maybe she convinced him.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:39:03] Maybe.

Nat Baimel: [00:39:03] And he was like, I don't know. She's like, you don't have to buy me a birthday gift ever. He's like, who needs the Social Security number?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:39:10] Right?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:39:11] All right. What's your theory?

Nat Baimel: [00:39:12] All right. I just want to start off by saying how, as a Jewish man, how happy I am to see so many conspiracy theories thrown around and not have us mention one time during them. So, like, thank you very much for that.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:39:24] That's an oversight on our part.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:39:26] Yeah.

Nat Baimel: [00:39:27] Uh, that being said, the Jews are behind this one. I can tell you, I'll admit it. From the meetings, this was all us, right? We're like those sentimental gentiles. But no, I was actually gonna do something similar to yours. Not quite as conspiratorial, but capitalism, they say. Oh, there's money to be made here. Let's hop in on this. Or, uh, I had my mind swayed a little bit Cat when you were talking about Ancient Rome and Mayor Baby, which I think is the precursor to Boss Baby, which is a movie I want to make of. Like, we need to help the economy. I know holidays because I think you're right. I think the pushing people to spend money is very much a tactic of we keep the economy moving, we keep it going. But it's also very much lack of education, of just know you have to spend this money, you have to spend this money. Whereas the smartest people would say, it's like, hold on to some of that. So Jews. 

Dwayne Perkins: [00:40:22] Wait, but how exactly? You mean somewhere Jewish people are encouraging the spending of money or. 

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:40:27] Had a Meeting, right?

Nat Baimel: [00:40:28] Oh yeah. So every conspiracy theory I had like a whole bit about this on my last album, but it's literally just I love Jewish conspiracy theories because they give me confidence in myself.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:40:39] Right? Right.

Nat Baimel: [00:40:40] I'm just like, well, if they believe in me to this degree, why don't I believe in myself,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:40:44] Right? Right that you can have This kind of effect.

Nat Baimel: [00:40:46] Right? Because I'll listen to a theory like the flat earth theory is a good example. It's very much like, oh no, the Earth is actually flat. There's a giant ice wall that keeps us from getting off of it. But NASA is trying to keep us from finding out about this. That's why they don't let us, like, fly near the edges of it. It's like, okay, but why though? Why the Jews? And that's what happens. I've noticed with most conspiracy theories a lot of times when it starts to get to the okay, but why though the Jews? And that's just the overall explanation of oh, they're so powerful, they're so infallible, they're so smart. And I'm just like, oh, keep going. How great are we?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:41:20] What I. What I've taken from like, if what I tell people, Jewish people I know in terms of like what you can learn is like, I know a family, they live in Calabasas. And I would go to have, um,

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:41:30] The Kardashians.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:41:30] No, no, no, they would have Passover Seder. Right.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:41:33] Okay.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:41:34] And what I loved about the whole situation is how quick it was. And I was always like, we should take a page out of their book just on this. It was like, everyone gets together. Hi hi hi hi hi hi. Eat fucking breakout two hours. And I was like, this is how we should be doing it. Uh, you know what I mean? And maybe this is just this family.

Nat Baimel: [00:41:52] Yeah, I Will say I've been to a number of Passover Seder. Some of them are just like that. It's just like, hey, great. Like, my family had grown up. It was just like, hey, we're here, let's eat fun. Uh, I have also been to others where it's like, all right, there's a book at. Every table. And we're going to do the readings and you're assigned your certain parts and it's like, it's been three hours. I'm so hungry. Can we start. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:42:14] Just Replace all the parts with a murder mystery dinner?

Nat Baimel: [00:42:18] That's oh my. God, I would love that.

Cat Alvarado: [00:42:20] Do like a Passover themed murder mystery.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:42:23] Dude, you should write it.

Nat Baimel: [00:42:24] Why is this night not like other nights? Because grandma was killed twice.

Cat Alvarado: [00:42:32] I want to I want to hop on the Jewish theory for a second with some real history facts from Hannah Arendt's, uh, origins of, I think it's origins of authoritarianism. Origins of fascism. Great book, historic book, well-researched. It's from like, uh, many years, like decades ago, but it's like goes deep into kind of why there are so many conspiracy theories about Jews. And it turns out that during, I want to say, like the Middle Ages, like, let's say somewhere circa year 1000 to maybe year 1500, there were some very well educated Jewish families that actually advised royalty in the various kingdoms. There were their accountants or what have you. It was usually like financial advice, and that's like, I believe that's where like the actual Rothschild family that ends up getting wrapped into a lot of conspiracy theories, had some power. Now they fell from power so many years ago that it is not true and hasn't been true literally since before da Vinci was alive.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:43:30] But also, there was a time where you couldn't lend money with an interest rate.

Nat Baimel: [00:43:34] Yeah.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:43:34] And then somehow I don't know how Jewish people were given that task because no one else wanted to do it.

Nat Baimel: [00:43:40] I don't even know if.

Cat Alvarado: [00:43:41] It was guilds. They weren't allowed to join guilds.

Nat Baimel: [00:43:43] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think that we were seen as like miserly and whatnot because we would be charged people interest for most places wouldn't do it and different things along the way.

Cat Alvarado: [00:43:53] I will say this jumping to baby mayor.

Nat Baimel: [00:43:55] Yes.

Cat Alvarado: [00:43:56] Who would have advised that baby mayor to start a holiday?

Nat Baimel: [00:44:01] Well, if it's Rome, baby brute.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:44:03] Right, right.

Cat Alvarado: [00:44:05] And he was probably Jewish.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:44:09] But even even like, why would it be wrong to. 

Nat Baimel: [00:44:12] The baby Jews killed baby Jesus.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:44:15] Yeah, right. Right. Why would they think it was wrong to charge interest?

Cat Alvarado: [00:44:19] Because Jesus overturned all the money tables in the chamber.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:44:22] Is that right?

Cat Alvarado: [00:44:23] Yeah.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:44:24] Like. But even before that, didn't they think it was wrong before Jesus or only after Jesus?

Cat Alvarado: [00:44:29] I don't know.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:44:29] Now there's payday loans, so I don't know.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:44:31] Well, because it feels like maybe like we were born and raised in this financial system. So we it's second nature. But like if you're going from like bartering to money, like at some point interest didn't even make sense to them. Yeah. Because it's like bartering is like, you give me this, I give you this.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:44:47] No, the Asians got it. And probably the Jewish people got it too. But the Asians definitely got it. Okay. Because we do the rice. That's what Malcolm Gladwell says at least.

Cat Alvarado: [00:44:54] Wait, what?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:44:55] Well, because. So he has this whole theory in, um, tipping point about how the, uh, the reason Asians are so good at math is because it's it's a baseline.

Cat Alvarado: [00:45:03] You're counting all the rice. 

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:45:04] It's Based on, because all rice farming is like, based on, like math, like literally it's based on math, apparently. Okay. And so that's what they think. I mean, that's Asian people are like, uh, like that's not it's not really the case necessarily.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:45:14] It could be the hours and hours of studying as well. But yeah.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:45:17] I mean actually and Part of it, part of what it is, is like in the West it's all about narrative. Right. So you tell like, like what do you do at night with a kid? You read a story in Asia. They don't do that. That's like. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:45:27] They Count the rice.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:45:30] We play fucking math games, right?

Nat Baimel: [00:45:33] Yeah. Instead of sheep, they count rice at night.

Cat Alvarado: [00:45:37] So at this point in the show, it's time for us to pick the unofficial official story. One that will answer the question once and for all. So which theory do we want to go with today?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:45:46] It has to be the Jews.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:45:48] Well. Yeah, that would be. Except. 

Nat Baimel: [00:45:53] Put another one Up in the rafters for Us, right Between faking the moon landing and killing JonBenet Ramsey.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:46:01] Except we're at a point in time where, like, given like where we're at, what's happening in the world right now? Uh, I'm always afraid of soundbites and people and people just.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:46:10] Well, how about the new Jews? Asians, Asian.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:46:13] Asians?

Nat Baimel: [00:46:13] Well, woo!

Dwayne Perkins: [00:46:15] But I liked your theory, though, because I thought you were like, you came alien and I thought you were going to come alien, but you came with love.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:46:21] Yeah,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:46:21] I came with cynicism, so I kind of like yours. I like your.

Cat Alvarado: [00:46:24] Hole. Although I will say in some circles, aliens are Jews. So.

Nat Baimel: [00:46:28] Yeah,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:46:28] That's true.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:46:29] By the way, I should mention that the, uh, the, the one we talked about, the Nordic aliens was episode one of season one.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:46:35] Okay,

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:46:35] Sorry.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:46:35] Are you saying that you. My vote is yours? Which was like love, but who was the.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:46:41] Uh, hallmark? Hallmark itself realized that there were they needed more love, and. 

Dwayne Perkins: [00:46:45] They kind Of measured the love somehow. Okay, but I like that because it's not as cynical as. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:46:49] Can we make them elves.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:46:52] Sure,

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:46:52] That sounds very like Swedish.

Cat Alvarado: [00:46:54] Like like. 

Nat Baimel: [00:46:55] The hallmark elves.

Cat Alvarado: [00:46:57] Nordic people. Like, they have elves and shit. So I feel like that goes like they would measure the love.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:47:02] So you and I voted, but have you?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:47:04] Yeah. We needed you guys to vote. It's one one right now.

Cat Alvarado: [00:47:06] I'm gonna go ahead and go with Nat's theory of two one the Jews.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:47:10] Okay. And are you going with your own theory as well?

Nat Baimel: [00:47:12] So I think there's a world where these can all exist simultaneously.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:47:17] Okay,

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:47:17] Okay.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:47:17] I'm listening.

Nat Baimel: [00:47:19] Where hallmark, run by the Jews, tried to push more love into the world, but overdid it while simultaneously other Jews, because we're not a homogenous thing like any other group there's sets within us. Another group was like, hey, we can make some money off of these poors and keep them all down. Interesting. And the space guy, lizard man, space Jew.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:47:43] Right?

Nat Baimel: [00:47:44] So he's the one who's overseeing all of this.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:47:48] So you got I mean, how are you splitting up the Jewish community? Is it like Sephardic Ashkenazi? If I'm saying it.

Cat Alvarado: [00:47:54] Right, I think we're getting real.

Nat Baimel: [00:47:55] I was thinking more. See, here's that you would. So deep in the woods, I was thinking reform, conservative, orthodox. But you were just like, oh, no, we're gonna go straight up with this. It's, uh. Yeah, it's Ashkenazi, Sephardic and Lizard, which is three types of Jew.

Cat Alvarado: [00:48:10] Oh, this is So messed up. I'm so glad you're Jewish.

Nat Baimel: [00:48:16] So, yeah. So, uh, Sephardic and Hallmark Ashkenazi cynicism and alien is lizard alien.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:48:23] I think that's Solid.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:48:25] That's the one. 

Dwayne Perkins: [00:48:25] That's solid. Solid? Yeah. Yeah,

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:48:26] That's the one. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:48:27] They all got together. And that's the Theory.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:48:29] And what I like About that is that this theory also acknowledges the good Jews, you know.

Nat Baimel: [00:48:34] Yeah.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:48:35] Yeah. The apple. Juice.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:48:38] I'm just teasing. But because it sounds like juice. But yeah, uh, I like that, you know, you have good and bad because I think it was. Was it Paul McCartney or was it? I forget who it was. Was it Michael Jackson. Who was it? No, no.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:48:52] Two Totally different People.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:48:53] No, no. No,  

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:48:54] Maybe it was Paris Hilton.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:48:55] No, I think it was. It was, um, Stevie Wonder who told us there was good and bad in everyone. Yes, yes,

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:49:05] That took a long time to get to.

Nat Baimel: [00:49:06] I just I just love to wramp up because you didn't do the quote and then figure out the person you did it in reverse. So you're like it was either Jesus or the boxer Butterbean.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:49:15] Right.

Nat Baimel: [00:49:16] Or or maybe it was Snoopy Dogg.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:49:19] It's Ebony and Ivory and it's and it's I think that Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney there was good and bad. And everyone learned to live. Learn to love each other.

Nat Baimel: [00:49:27] Yeah.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:49:27] What we need to survive together. Alive.

Nat Baimel: [00:49:30] Yeah. Inside of us there are two wolves.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:49:32] Yeah. If not, I'm singing that. That sounds like an AI bot wrote that song. And then they went back in time and recorded it. Anyway, I love it. I love, I love that theory. I love that you combined them all and. Yeah. So, so someone listening to this, don't splice this up to make us sound crazy. Okay? That's my that's my. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:49:53] Context. It's okay. We're laughing ironically At this.

Nat Baimel: [00:49:57] I, Nathaniel Isaac Isaac Babel, hereby give the Jew pass to these Three Gentiles. For the duration of this podcast. So in case someone takes this out of context, you can put this audio of me that is not AI.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:50:12] Right? Right.

Nat Baimel: [00:50:13] And this was all said within a context that was fun and loving. And I also somehow won. So I feel better as a result of it.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:50:20] Very nice, very nice. That's an idea for a company like you. Just context. And you like, people come to you and you, you give them a context thing, you know, like you know how websites have like that security badge, a contact sport.

Cat Alvarado: [00:50:34] Yeah. Yeah.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:50:35] I think you can even pass like you could be a black person for today. Or you could be.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:50:39] No, no. Just like. 

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:50:41] That's what I got excited about. I could be black.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:50:43] No. Well, maybe that too.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:50:44] Yeah. I can Have dreadlocks.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:50:46] Yeah, absolutely.

Nat Baimel: [00:50:46] All right. Let's just all go around the circle and say the slurs for each other's group right now. We got four minorities

Cat Alvarado: [00:50:58] And that is the official story, you guys. We'll take another break. And when we return, we'll be asking you for the best or worst Valentine's Day stories.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:51:10] It's the month of Valentine's Day, and while we've already determined that means lots of sales for stores like Hallmark, we can't forget that it was originally meant to celebrate those we love. So in honor of that, tell us your best or worst Valentine's Day stories. 

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:51:23] Dwayne.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:51:24] And when I was a kid, I was going to give this girl some candy. I knocked on her door and then I got scared. I ran off and me and my, um, me and my buddy ate the candy.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:51:35] Hell, yeah.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:51:36] Yeah, yeah.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:51:37] Nat, what's your best or worst? Uh, Valentine's day.

Nat Baimel: [00:51:39] This was Valentine's Day, 2011.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:51:42] Oh, that's very specific. Okay,

Nat Baimel: [00:51:43] I remember this day very specifically. My two buddies and I, all three of us, very single, decided, hey, let's go see WWE Monday Night Raw in Anaheim. And so we went. It was my first time seeing a WWE show live. I've been to indie wrestling shows, but never like the big leagues before, and it was pretty good. But at the very end, the Rock came back for. The first time in seven years. My second favorite. Dwayne.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:52:07] Right, right, right.

Nat Baimel: [00:52:08] Yeah. And it was great. It was wonderful. And then four months later, I lost my virginity. And I'm not saying correlation equals causation, but it's something worth discussing.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:52:22] But that was your best or worse, huh?

Cat Alvarado: [00:52:25] It gave you confidence.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:52:27] I Thought we only had to say our worst.

Nat Baimel: [00:52:28] Wwjd, Wwjd, what would Dwayne Johnson do?

Cat Alvarado: [00:52:33] Yeah. So you saw him, it inspired you, and then you went through life with the confidence that allowed you.

Nat Baimel: [00:52:38] To finally have sex. At almost 26 years old,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:52:40] You Lost your virginity. How long after that? You said.

Nat Baimel: [00:52:43] Four months.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:52:43] Four months. So what I'm hearing is you on Valentine's Day, you saw the Rock?

Nat Baimel: [00:52:48] Yes.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:52:49] And just four months later, you were on rock. Oh, yeah. With this girl?

Nat Baimel: [00:52:52] Absolutely. Gettin the rocks off,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:52:56] Right Right.

Nat Baimel: [00:52:58] Yeah, man, that's.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:52:59] I never expected that.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:53:00] That's pretty solid, man.

Nat Baimel: [00:53:01] And also, the Other two were two other comics, not surprisingly.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:53:04] At that Point. What? Like before it happens. Where's your head at? Do you think it's not going to happen? Are you worried about it? That it hasn't happened yet?

Nat Baimel: [00:53:12] Oh, yeah. No, I was absolutely worried. And it got to a point where the girl I eventually lost it to, I dated her for a year and we'd been on a bunch of dates, and it got to that point. I was like, oh, we're going to have sex. But I should tell her because I don't want to just try my best. And she's like, hey, what was that thing you did with your foot in my face? Like, how you doing? I don't know. And so I feel like I have to tell her, but I'm too shy. I don't want to tell her. And then one day, out of the blue, she just. Facebook messaged me saying, hey, weird question. How many people have you had sex with?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:53:43] This is before.

Nat Baimel: [00:53:44] Beforehand? Yes. And I was like, oh, I need to craft a clever response. But this was like when Facebook came up with that thing where it let people know that you saw the message, and so that I saw that she saw it and I'm like, oh, I have to come up with an answer right now. Otherwise it's gonna look real bad, right? Right. And so my immediate response was none, but it's not a big deal. Lol. And and then she responded, oh, that made so much sense. I thought you were gay and couldn't handle it.

Cat Alvarado: [00:54:11] Oh,

Nat Baimel: [00:54:12] And She thought that because the night before I was at her place, she made a point to mention that her roommates were gone. And then we spent an hour alone in her room as we read from her sex astrology book. And. 

Dwayne Perkins: [00:54:24] I hate this Story,

Nat Baimel: [00:54:25] And I didn't. And I didn't make a move because I didn't want to be presumptuous, because I'm like, well, maybe she does this with all of her pals.

Cat Alvarado: [00:54:36] You're so sweet.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:54:37] That's that's bananas that you're in the bedroom.

Cat Alvarado: [00:54:40] She's dropping all of the hints.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:54:41] It's like someone gives you a bowl of ice cream and a spoon, and you're like, I don't, you know, can I eat? I don't know, should I eat this ice cream? I don't, you know, I don't know, maybe.

Nat Baimel: [00:54:49] Are you expecting someone else to come eat this later?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:54:55] But that's that's cute though. That's that's Great. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:54:57] I want to share mine now because it's a bad one.

Nat Baimel: [00:54:59] Okay.

Cat Alvarado: [00:55:00] That way we have like bad, good, bad. Okay. And then maybe yours'll be good.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:55:06] Mine's good and bad. So it works out okay.

Cat Alvarado: [00:55:09] It works out all right. So this is my worst Valentine's Day I was in I want to say sixth grade. And I had a crush on this guy named Josh. And weeks prior, like, maybe 1 or 2 weeks prior to Valentine's Day, it had kind of gotten out. And everybody in the class, like, knew like, oh, Cat likes Josh, Cat likes Josh, Cat likes Josh, and like, I was like, hoping that maybe, like, he would like me to and get me a Valentine. And so I was like, going through the day like, okay, all right, maybe it'll happen in first period passes. Second period passes. Nothing. Third nothing. Finally. Fourth period. Just before lunch, I sat like, maybe like two seats behind him and like one row to the right. And like, enough people were absent that day, right where like, he had a clear view from, like his seat to my seat if he turned around and then he just turns around, I guess, at the end of class and goes, stop liking me, Cat.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:56:09] Oh, whoa.

Cat Alvarado: [00:56:11] He didn't call me Kat. He called me by my last name and, like, start liking me. Alvarado. And I was like, oh.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:56:18] Maybe he Knew he wasn't worth it. He didn't feel worthy. He maybe that was a him problem.

Cat Alvarado: [00:56:22] But then then my friend Ashley's older brother gave me a valentine and.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:56:28] Very nice.

Cat Alvarado: [00:56:28] Yeah, yeah. But I was like, gross, you're too old for me. And. Oh,

Nat Baimel: [00:56:32] How old was he. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:56:33] He had sex Already?

Nat Baimel: [00:56:33] Oh,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:56:34] Like. Wait, wait,

Cat Alvarado: [00:56:35] I don't know. I thought. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:56:36] You were like 8.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:56:37] But you were 11.

Cat Alvarado: [00:56:39] I was like 11, and. But people age like people are advanced. He was advanced. He was like.

Nat Baimel: [00:56:44] Yeah.

Cat Alvarado: [00:56:44] Held back a few grades. Really tall.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:56:47] I mean, was he 15 or was he 16?

Cat Alvarado: [00:56:49] But he was like 15 and still in middle school.

Nat Baimel: [00:56:51] That's weird. Going after an 11 year old.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:56:53] That's crazy.

Cat Alvarado: [00:56:53] Yeah.

Cat Alvarado: [00:56:54] And so. 

Dwayne Perkins: [00:56:54] That's A little bananas. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:56:55] I. Got. I did get a chocolate rose, for what it's worth from a predator.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:56:59] Stop liking it.Stop liking me, Alvarado.

Nat Baimel: [00:57:03] Stop liking. To be Epstein. I just like that you were cool with everybody knowing. To see if he would find out. It sounded like when a studio like leaks information to see how the public reacts to it, be like, oh, we're on to something here. It's like, let's see how Josh reacts to this. All right. We have to pivot on this. We have to really this is.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:57:27] It's like a focus group of one.

Cat Alvarado: [00:57:28] Oh no. Yeah.

Nat Baimel: [00:57:30] It was like it was like the original sonic design from that movie. It's like, all right, we need CGI. And on this nonsense right now.

Cat Alvarado: [00:57:37] It was it was rough. I was so awkward. I had braces and I had, like, short hair, but it didn't look good. And, like, I was such an awkward little kid.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:57:44] That's like that group, the Jets. Remember those guys? The Polynesian pop group?

Cat Alvarado: [00:57:47] You're a jet. You're a jet all the way.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:57:49] No, no. Polynesian pop group. And they had a song. How did you know? Because I never told you. Found out I got a crush on you. They were like brothers and sisters. They're like the Polynesian Jackson five.

Cat Alvarado: [00:58:04] Okay.

Nat Baimel: [00:58:04] Yeah,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:58:05] Please.

Cat Alvarado: [00:58:05] Sounds like S club seven a little.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:58:07] Yes, yes.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:58:08] All right. So mine is, uh, mine is both positive and negative. So the positive is 17. And I lost my virginity on Valentine's Day, which was awesome. But then immediately after I may have taken I took sex education. So I kind of knew what was happening, but I was convinced I got her pregnant, even though we're wearing condom, because I didn't really understand the whole. It was kind of just confusing. And I was.

Nat Baimel: [00:58:26] Yeah.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:58:26] And so I was like convinced. So I went home.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:58:28] Did you see A stork fly by?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:58:31] I was like super freaked out. I called my friend. I was like, oh my God, I got a girl pregnant. He's like, what are you talking about? I was like, he's like, did you wear a condom? And I was like, yeah. And he's like, you didn't get it? I was like, no, I'm 100%. And so like, it, like ruined that night because I just thought, oh my God, like, I'm not ready to be a dad, you know, like, you know, like it was super, super crazy. It's because, you know, you don't really know what's going on. And it was like it was super mysterious.

Nat Baimel: [00:58:53] I just wish I had your level of confidence at 17, where not only did I have sex, but like, there's no way a condom could have stopped All that. Let's say, would have just busted right through like. 

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:59:03] I was. I was like, I ruined my life. My mom and dad are gonna, like, disown me. I'm not gonna go to college. And it was like the whole thing,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:59:11] Right? Right. 

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:59:12] But. 

Dwayne Perkins: [00:59:12] Right then someone sat him down and said, Koji, you can't get a girl pregnant anally. He's like, oh, no.

Cat Alvarado: [00:59:23] I think I've seen the movie Dumb and Dumber two.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:59:26] I haven't actually.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:59:27] Seen Dumb and Dumber one.

Cat Alvarado: [00:59:28] No, so I just watched it. Very funny. Stupid, stupid movie, but funny. And at the no, I'm not going to spoil it, but yeah.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:59:38] I'll check it out.

Cat Alvarado: [00:59:39] Watch the end, and then think about this podcast episode.

Nat Baimel: [00:59:42] Official movie recommendation.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:59:44] And the new. Frasier is not bad. I watched one episode of it so far.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:59:49] All right,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:59:49] But, uh, yeah, that's you. Like you didn't enjoy losing your virginity? No. Yeah. It's crazy.

Nat Baimel: [00:59:54] Oh, I loved it. Yeah, it was great. I told my grandfather afterwards, but it was. But it was. But it was only because I was superstitious. Because as a teenager, the first time I ever masturbated three times in one day, the next day, my grandmother died. Oh, and so part of me.

Dwayne Perkins: [01:00:11] Oh, wow.

Nat Baimel: [01:00:13] It's so part of me. Always thought if I ever have sex with someone, I'd kill someone I love. Oh my God. And so, like, I was like, grandpa, I busted my first nut. How proud are you? It was really just like, because I would call him every day, and I would just called him a little earlier than usual, and he sounded vigorous and healthy, and I was just like, hell yeah, you got away with it. Although, uh, two weeks later, Macho Man Randy Savage died, so that one is on me. But that's a sacrifice I was willing to make.

Cat Alvarado: [01:00:38] Your Actions are definitely causing other things in the world. It's because you're Jewish.

Nat Baimel: [01:00:42] Yeah, but. If. But if you think about it, technically it was the Rock who killed Macho Man.

Dwayne Perkins: [01:00:48] Because I'm a bit of a medium. I'm getting Macho Man. He's here with us right now. Wait, he's saying something. I'm so glad you busted your nut. It was worth it. Anyway.

Nat Baimel: [01:01:02] I knew you would understand. Randy. This is a level of guilt I've been living with for almost 13 years now. And I could leave this podcast with a clear conscience.

Cat Alvarado: [01:01:13] And with that.

Koji Steven Sakai: [01:01:14] Okay.

Dwayne Perkins: [01:01:15] Wow.

Cat Alvarado: [01:01:16] Thank you, Nat, for coming on the show with us.

Nat Baimel: [01:01:18] Thank you all for having me. This was a blast.

Cat Alvarado: [01:01:20] Dwayne that's gonna haunt my nightmares. Please tell us where people can follow you.

Nat Baimel: [01:01:25] You could find me at Nat Beimel  and all the sites. And, uh, I assume this will drop right around Valentine's Day. You can have a great Valentine's weekend if you are in Wichita, Kansas. I will be headlining at Vaucher's Comedy Club February 15th, 16th, and 17th.

Dwayne Perkins: [01:01:39] That's pretty dope. Uh, Valentine's week I'll be at the Funny Bone in Saint Louis.

Nat Baimel: [01:01:44] Hell yeah yeah yeah. Plug plug plug.

Cat Alvarado: [01:01:46] Thank you all so much for listening. There are almost 3 million podcasts, and we're honored you've chosen ours to listen to. Please check out our website, unofficial official story.com for our show notes or to hear our past episodes. And please follow us on Instagram, x, TikTok and YouTube. Today's episode is the last episode of the season, so next month, make sure you tune in to listen to some of the highlights of season three. And once again, we'd like to thank you all for listening to the official, unofficial story. We appreciate each and every one of You, 

Koji Steven Sakai: [01:02:19] And I'd like to thank our my interns from the summer who wrote all the episodes. Thank you guys so much.

Dwayne Perkins: [01:02:25] Thank you.

Koji Steven Sakai: [01:02:26] It made it so that I don't have to write all the episodes, which is pretty awesome because I have a lot of writing to do. And thank you all for listening. I mean, this this season, we've gone from, you know, like last year, I think we had about 6000 listeners per episode, and now we've shot up to like 45, 50,000 per episode. So we really appreciate all of you guys listening.

Dwayne Perkins: [01:02:42] Yeah, absolutely. And we, um, you know, we hope you're enjoying it and we appreciate you. And we're very excited about the next season.

Cat Alvarado: [01:02:49] Thank you guys for letting me join the podcast as your new third co-host.

Koji Steven Sakai: [01:02:54] And thank you for being Jewish.

Nat Baimel: [01:02:58] I say that to myself in the mirror every night.

Cat Alvarado: [01:03:01] I thought you were saying that to the listeners.

Koji Steven Sakai: [01:03:04] And to the listeners who are Jewish, any any group or race or religion or anything. You guys are. We love you. Or maybe some. I might not love some of you guys, but that's okay.

Cat Alvarado: [01:03:15] All right.

Koji Steven Sakai: [01:03:15] All right. Thank you guys.

Cat Alvarado: [01:03:16] Bye everyone.

Koji Steven Sakai: [01:03:16] See you guys.

Dwayne Perkins: [01:03:17] Bye bye.