S3E3 The Water is Turning People Gay with Comedian Rowan Niles

Cat Alvarado: [00:00:04] Welcome, welcome, welcome. This is season three Episode three of the Unofficial Official Story. I'm Cat, and I just ate some pretty good barbecue. How are you guys?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:00:16] I'm good. I'm. I'm Dwyane. I'm so stressed out about my mic working, but I'm in Stockholm. Where it's 6 a.m. and. But I'm happy to be here and. 

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:00:25] I am Koji. I just finished coaching a baseball game where I almost got kicked out of, so there you go.

Cat Alvarado: [00:00:31] Oh, my gosh. That is some typical dad behavior. Anyways, this is where we tell you the official story. We look at the paranormal conspiracies, unexplained phenomena, cryptids and true crime. And by the end we tell you what really maybe happened. In this episode, we are asking the question Are the chemicals in the water turning people gay?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:00:55] Doo doo doo doo doo.

Cat Alvarado: [00:00:56] Let's introduce our guest, a comedian from the LGBTQ plus comedy festival and feature film. Special Laugh Proud and Rowan Niles Rowan Niles is an actor, writer and comedian, originally from Annapolis, Maryland. From a very young age, she developed a passion for the arts and was always eager to get her hands on any creative outlet that allowed her to express herself. Rowan has a background in music, theater and film, but she feels most in her element when she is making the people around her laugh.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:01:25] Welcome aboard.

Rowan Niles: [00:01:27] Hey, I'm happy to be here, you guys.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:01:28] Rowan, why don't you tell us how you got started in this in the world of comedy?

Rowan Niles: [00:01:32] You know, man, I just. I sum it up right there at the end about loving, making people laugh. I that's the truth. And, you know, if I can kind of do that for a living, why not? I grew up listening to all kinds of stand up comedians that I love and admire so much, particularly Brian Regan. He's so good. He's so good. And so, you know, I just kind of ventured into stand up comedy, getting into classes and doing open mics here around Los Angeles, booking some stuff at classic places like Flappers and Burbank. If you've ever been and you know, every day is a journey. I'm just kind of figuring it out. But I'm just happy to be here, you know.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:02:07] With everything going on in the world today, you know, with all the kind of legislation and craziness, you know, has, what kind of reaction have you gotten in terms of people and how do you deal with people who are stupid, basically and ignorant?

Rowan Niles: [00:02:19] I just I try my best to be sensitive to topics that deserve sensitivity, but also make light of situations and just, you know, try to speak what feels true to me without necessarily digging at people. You know, I have my opinions and my values and whatnot, and I like to keep it like, surface level without being like entirely too offensive. I am very, very, very, very deep in the community of the LGBTQ plus community. Like that is my tried and true. That is my community. That's who I love. That's who I strive to protect. And what I do is I kind of feel like what I do is for them, you know. And so the people who are on the outskirts of that that are harmful to our community and whatnot, well, then maybe they don't need to laugh at my jokes. It's not for them. We're just here to have a good time.

Cat Alvarado: [00:03:06] That's great. I ran into that. Something similar as a female comic. Sometimes, especially when I go to shows in places like Indiana, Midwest, they don't always want to hear about female experiences. Just us dating as single women who are not married. Just that alone can outrage certain people. So like, why aren't we all fundamentalist religious people who get married at 17 or younger? Like.

Rowan Niles: [00:03:31] No, I know , it's tough. I find myself like, you know, I go to a lot of LGBT events. A lot of women only kind of mics and comedy events and whatnot. And my material is tailored towards that kind of community and those kinds of people and whatnot. And I won't lie to you like I've been to some places where LGBT mics and I do that and it kills. And then the next night I go to just a standard mic and maybe there's another one other woman comic in the crowd, maybe two. And it's like it's like crickets. Sometimes they're like, What are you talking?

Cat Alvarado: [00:04:05] We're not for everybody, but we are for somebody. And that's what matters.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:04:09] I will say, even though things are tough now, I will say that I think there is hope for the future. You know, my son, for example, you know, I talked to him about these kinds of issues, obviously. And, you know, we talked about there's a chance, for example, there's a transgender kid in his class. And I'm like, do you care? He's like, I don't care. Like, it's is not a big deal. Like, it's just it just is. Or, you know, I'm like, Dude, care about, you know, anybody who's gay or lesbian or whatever. He's like, don't, like, don't even like, Why are you even bringing this up? It's like, to him, it's like the most ridiculous thing bring about because it's like not a big deal, you know? So I take a lot of solace in the fact that I don't think that these kids are as hung up as a lot of these these people that are talking now and creating this this legislation.

Rowan Niles: [00:04:49] It's so wild. And, you know, not to dive too deep politically or whatnot, but, you know, everyone's so concerned about exposing children to LGBT history and current status of it and whatnot now. And it's like. What you're saying. It's like they're not even worried about it. Like we're so worried about, like, them being exposed to it and they're just like, vibing. They're like, Oh, yeah, that's my friend. That's my.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:05:13] Who cares? That's what his response was. Literally like, Why? Like he couldn't even understand why I was talking to him about it.

Rowan Niles: [00:05:18] And that's kind. Of that's kind of beautiful in a way. It's like we should be able to appreciate and and identify, you know, people in their identities and for whatever it is, without being a big deal. Like we can appreciate people for what they are, who they are, who they love and not have to be like. But where do I stand in all of this? It's like, it doesn't matter.

Cat Alvarado: [00:05:38] It's like Where would you stand about somebody else's hemorrhoids? That's a weird that's a weird comparison. But I literally do not care about your hemorrhoids. Dwayne. Don't talk to me about them. Right, right, right. It's like it's your personal thing. Like, why do I have to have an opinion about something that is, like, intimate and a part of your life? That does not affect me at all?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:05:59] Dwayne. I care about your hemorrhoids a lot. I have a blog about it on the dark web.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:06:05] Thank you. Thank you.

Cat Alvarado: [00:06:06] I realize after the fact I'm like I immediately regretted comparing being Lgbtq+ to hemorrhoids. I'm like, No. I left my mouth and I was like, That's the wrong one. That's the Wrong one. I was trying to think of what is like something super, super private that no one should ever, like need to criticize or have any business butting into in someone's life.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:06:27] On that note, let's let's move on.

Cat Alvarado: [00:06:29] Let's talk about gay frogs. All right?

Cat Alvarado: [00:06:36] We are. This is a very pride episode, I think, and hopefully we land in a good place at the end.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:06:42] Hopefully, Hopefully.

Cat Alvarado: [00:06:44] I hope. So. Let's get the story straight once and for all.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:06:48] Yes, let's do that.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:06:50] Straight or not straight.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:06:52] Yeah, that's. Yeah, that's going to be that's the question.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:06:54] They're both okay. The idea of water being used for nefarious purposes isn't new. One of the oldest, newest water conspiracies is the fluoridation of the US water supply. People from the 1950s to today believe that the government is doing it to control your mind. Or maybe it could be a communist conspiracy. We can't say for sure this isn't true, but it is abundantly clear that the fluoride has significantly reduced the number of cavities in our mouths. Before you go, Koji, I just want to say this is a movie. Peter Sellers movie. I can't think of the name of it, but it's a great, hilarious movie. I wish I knew the name. And basically at the end there's this whole thing where the fluoride, it's a joke, but it's like at the end of the movie, Fluoride is being used to control people. Like, I'm from Coney Island, right? Everyone there plays basketball and they're really good. And it's a small peninsula that's produced. I mean, it's like a small place, like 20 blocks and three avenues wide. And it's produced like four NBA players in the last decade or two, which is outrageous. So we say there's something in the water.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:07:57] Well, don't they say that about the bagels in New York, too?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:07:59] Yeah, they do. And it's to the point where all the places that like LA, places that are named New York Bagels and New York Pizza, they're always like, we ship our water in from New York. No, you don't stop. That's a boldface line. You don't ship water from 3000 miles away. So anyway, it's just it's just really interesting. And the fluoride thing, I think it's not about mind control, but it's about dulling your pineal gland, which is supposed to be like this.

Cat Alvarado: [00:08:26] It's like a psychic energy thing, right? Like it's.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:08:28] Like your Your third eye kind of thing. And I went without fluoride toothpaste for a while and I didn't feel clairvoyant.

Cat Alvarado: [00:08:35] I stopped drinking water altogether. And you know what? I still am not psychic. I haven't had a drink of water in a year. Actually, I'm a carcass. I'm a dry piece of beef jerky with a mouth.

Rowan Niles: [00:08:47] Great.

Cat Alvarado: [00:08:48] I'm kidding.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:08:49] This water turning people gay conspiracy started when there was a study that found that certain chemicals atrazine I should not have been the person who was saying all these words. I can't pronounce anything. Often used in weed killers can turn male frogs female. This study, coupled with a different study from the Williams Institute, from the Williams Institute at the Law School of at UCLA, claimed that 9 million people in the US, that's 2.5% of the population were LGBT, but 25.6% or 11% of the population had same-gender attraction. And of course, people freaked out and believed this was proof of a gay in quotes, of course, gay agenda to influence and encourage homosexuality, especially around children. People are crazy.

Cat Alvarado: [00:09:33] Hold on. I'm. I'm processing what you just said. So it's you see the study claimed 9 million people in the US were LGBT, but 25.6.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:09:43] Had some same gender.

Cat Alvarado: [00:09:45] Same gender attraction. Okay, So that's just I'm just breaking it down. That is just the gender spectrum because we talked like Kinsey came up with this and this is well known. You learn it in your Psych 101 class. There's a guy named Kinsey. He did a study in the early 20th century. And it turns out, like a lot of people fall somewhere on a spectrum of LGBT attraction status, whatever.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:10:07] No, don't don't say that. That's like the thing that makes people feel so insecure about their sexuality, right?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:10:14] It's just college, you know what I mean? Like, you know how the flat earthers say the the world works? I think the spectrum works. This this spectrum we're talking about works like this where? I don't know if it's a circle or if you get warped to the other side, but like somewhere, you know, like,

Cat Alvarado: [00:10:32] Oh, I see what you're saying. So the guys who are like trying too hard to be straight end up being gay, like the political, you know, like the horseshoe.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:10:39] If you're if you're the if you're The extreme end of the straight spectrum, then somehow you've warped around and you're probably gay. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Cat Alvarado: [00:10:47] I feel that's true for men, at least I don't know about for women that can go either way. Women are all over the place. How do you feel?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:10:55] Yeah.

Rowan Niles: [00:10:56] Sometimes I do agree that sometimes the straighter that men try to be, it seems just a little gay to me. Like if you ever, like, sit down and listen to like ten minutes, if you can bear it of like a heavily alpha male podcast, you're like, This is kind of gay.

Cat Alvarado: [00:11:12] There was some. Guy, it was like some meme where the guys were like, Look, look, being around women is kind of gay. Like they're going to make you feminine, so you should just be around men only. Just like literally, like, don't even sleep with women. Like, in fact, sleeping with women is very, very gay and you shouldn't do it. And actually, like, I'm like, do you realize you're just talking yourself into being a gay man? Like all the way, right?

Rowan Niles: [00:11:34] Is it gay to respect women?

Cat Alvarado: [00:11:35] Oh Gosh. Anyways, moving on, enter Alex Jones. He believed that the Pentagon created a gay bomb or a weaponized perfume to turn people gay and not want to have children anymore. In 2010, on one of his shows, he said There's reason there's so many gay people now is because it's a chemical warfare operation. And I have the government documents where they said they're going to encourage homosexuality with chemicals so that people don't have children. He never showed these government documents. Of course.

Rowan Niles: [00:12:14] I was just going to say, have you guys ever seen The Amazing Spider-Man?

Cat Alvarado: [00:12:17] No, I Haven't.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:12:18] Is that the cartoon or.

Rowan Niles: [00:12:20] That's the one with Andrew Garfield. Oh, yeah.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:12:22] Yeah, I've seen it.

Rowan Niles: [00:12:23] That one? Yeah. In the first Amazing Spider-Man. Doctor Connors, his objective is that he wants to release a gas at the top of Oscorp that is going to infect all of the New Yorkers to become like reptilian people. Anyways, that's giving the same energy as gay bomb from. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:12:40] It totally does. Oh, speaking of chemical warfare, did you see this viral video on Twitter this week? It was of a woman looking at a water fountain and there is a rainbow in the water fountain. And she's just like, what have liberals put in the air? Oh, there is rainbows in the air now and in the water. What is happening with this Biden regime? And I'm like, oh my God, did she forget about rainbows in real life?

Rowan Niles: [00:13:06] Oh, my. God.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:13:08] Wait, wait. Rainbows are real.

Cat Alvarado: [00:13:09] Yeah.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:13:10] She's like, there's. A scientist named Roy Bijev.

Rowan Niles: [00:13:15] I also love that they say that homosexuality is, like, comparable to not desiring to have children. Like, if you don't want to have children, then the cure. Is to be be gay. Like, Hey, we want kids too.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:13:30] So a few years later he doubled down on this and said the government was putting chemicals in the water that turn the friggin frogs gay.

Cat Alvarado: [00:13:39] This is Alex Jones.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:13:40] Yeah, that's Alex Jones.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:13:41] Jones Yes. Alex Jones. Yes. And two years later, the majority of frogs this is him, the majority of frogs in most areas of the United States are now gay.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:13:50] That's awesome.

Cat Alvarado: [00:13:52] We did it. Rowan. 

Rowan Niles: [00:13:53] What does this mean? What is this? I'm freaking out right now. And also, I am opening a bar in West Hollywood and I am naming it gay frogs, everybody.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:14:04] And no one felt this more than Miss Piggy. I just wanted to say. Anyway, go ahead.

Cat Alvarado: [00:14:10] Tragically affected Alex Jones isn't the only one who believes this crap. Meet Ron Perry and Orlando based former pastor and the CEO of the gathering and the person Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has picked to make Disney's life miserable and liberal Democrat parliamentary candidate in England. Back in the 20 tens, Susan King Harry believes it has to do with the birth control in the water. There's birth control in the water, which has lowered the testosterone levels in men, which there is a grain of truth here. The testosterone levels in men have decreased, just not as drastically as Ron argues. And King believes it has to do with, quote, feminizing hormones.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:14:52] Well, and so just to be clear, they have found things in in our water supply because people are taking prescription pills and then they and then when they go bathroom, it goes.

Cat Alvarado: [00:15:00] So when people go poo pee and.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:15:02] Yeah. And then eventually it comes back, it comes back to us. So it does like so we are. But it's not causing people to turn gay,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:15:09] Right, Right. Yeah. And I think, I think the testosterone thing is there's so much more to it. It's sort of it's the overall comprehensive thing of lifestyle. And cell phones affect sperm count as well. Oh, wow. In your pocket. That's right next to. You know what I mean? Situation there. So there's a lot there's a lot to it. And people just pick out what they want, what they want to pick out, you know what I mean? So what do the scientists say about this? Matt Young, a neuroscientist from the University of Nottingham. Nottingham, if you're from over there, told Vice. Environmental pollution has a whole host of negative effects on human health, but suggesting that waterborne pollutants are altering people's sexuality is taking it a step too far. Compounds that either mimic or disrupt the functions of hormones are known to be produced as waste products in the production of plastics and other industrial products. If they make their way into the environment, these and other waste chemicals can build up over time. In that same article, he admits, frogs and many species of fish, notably Nemo. He was trying to find himself. Clownfish can spontaneously change their sex anyway. But he goes on to say, Fish are not humans and humans don't spend their lives living and breathing water. That's true due to their natural sex-swapping characteristics. Some fish and frogs are very susceptible to the actions of these pollutants, but there's still no evidence that they can influence the development of sexuality. I'm not suggesting this type of water pollution is harmless, but I am saying it's not the holy grail of gay water. It's being made out to be.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:16:45] My favorite thing. We read was a quote from writer Michael Segalov, who said the following in the Vice article Sex is a physical characteristic. Gender is psychological. Sexuality is who you want to fuck. Oh, and humans aren't frogs. I like the humans aren't frogs.

Cat Alvarado: [00:17:02] I like that. I like that. But something that did make us think. In 1994, an Air Force lab had the idea of creating a gay bomb that would turn enemy combatants gay. That was the thing that happened. And this project was never funded. So it didn't become a thing, but it was just an idea. Side note the same lab tried to get funding for bad breath bombs, flatulence bombs and bombs designed to attract swarms of stinging insects to enemy combatants. So those are all things. And also, there's a thing called I think it's Project Stargate I heard about on another podcast, which was the government tried to develop psychics.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:17:40] That's the Thing. To me, it all comes back to capitalism. People who are obsessed with having everything I always have. I have this, I think capitalism left to its own without any kind of checks and balances, can become something else. And I just think, yeah, you got these people dreaming up how to control everything and but it makes it sad because when they think of it, then later on someone can say that's what's happening. Another thing is I don't see how turning enemy soldiers gay would mean you would necessarily win that war. I've seen a lot of gay dudes knock out a lot of straight dudes. Like it's. 

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:18:10] It comes down to like the stereotype that gay men are like seen as effeminate. And so if you had a bunch of guys who are effeminate running around, they wouldn't want to like we could we could easily defeat them because they're so effeminate. But to your point, I mean, there's like there's strong, good fighting gay men and they're like weak gay men. But there's just the same thing for heterosexual, regular guy like heterosexual, not regular, but heterosexual guys.

Cat Alvarado: [00:18:30] Yeah. It's like not a it's not a related like the trait is unrelated to the outcome, like statistically not significant in this situation.

Rowan Niles: [00:18:39] It really just kind of comes down to like a lot of these people's opinions are made up out of surface level stereotypes for the gay community and whatnot. Like it's like these people that have this idea of turning their the people they're fighting with gay because it's going to weaken them. It's like it's never talked to a single gay person in their life. As I'm Like, you know, listening to you guys talk about this, I am kind of enlightened because I am gay. And guys, I drank like so much water growing up, like.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:19:13] Oh.

Rowan Niles: [00:19:16] I don't know.

Cat Alvarado: [00:19:16] Did you know that 100% of people who drink water die that, you know, maybe we should all stop altogether just.

Rowan Niles: [00:19:25] Thinking. Like, you know, they have they sell, like, SmartWater, like. And people joke about that. Making it smart. Yeah, we should put gay water.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:19:31] Gay Water. There you. Go. So.

Cat Alvarado: [00:19:35] By the way, isn't it like one of the gay stereotypes is like like types of gays are the ab gays. Like, they're just super strong and super like, cut and like, they're like, the most fit people you'll ever see. Like nine times out of ten, you see an ultra super fit, very, very good looking man in Los Angeles. He is very gay, very gay. And meanwhile, like, you go to like Minnesota or like Arkansas and like you look around all the straight men, they're just like very like portly. They're the opposite of ab gays.

Rowan Niles: [00:20:03] So you go you walk down the street in like West Hollywood and you see like the most fucking cut people like you've, you've ever seen. They're like, beautiful. And yeah, I mean they, they gym, they gym, they drink their water, they drink.

Cat Alvarado: [00:20:20] Not weak. They're very strong.

Rowan Niles: [00:20:23] Exactly. That's what I'm saying. It's like I literally want to be like. These people could beat you up So good.

All: [00:20:27] What does Chatgpt think? Chatgpt. Is the water turning people gay?

Chat GPT: [00:20:32] No. The idea that water can turn people gay is not supported by any scientific evidence. Sexual orientation is a complex and multifactorial trait that is influenced by a variety of genetic, environmental and social factors. There is no credible evidence to suggest that water or any other substance can alter a person's sexual orientation. The notion that water could turn people gay appears to be a baseless and unfounded conspiracy theory. It is important to rely on credible sources of information and scientific evidence when forming beliefs or making decisions.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:21:07] It's also funny that ChatGPT is the voice of reason on the Internet. I'm just going to I'm going to put that out there. Right.

Cat Alvarado: [00:21:15] All right. What do you guys think? Are the chemicals in the water turning people gay? When we return, we'll put our minds together and figure out what really maybe happened. Now that we've discussed the facts, let's give our theories.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:21:30] This is tough because, you know, you can have a comical answer. You can have a real answer. But first, I'll start with one. I'm $1 million idea and we could all join get in on this if you want. We create a filter. We don't create a filter at all. We just take a Brita filter and we repackage it and say, this filters out the gate pollutants. You know what I mean? And we sell millions of these things all over, but in particular the red states.

Cat Alvarado: [00:21:56] It would definitely be big. On the Joe Rogan podcast.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:21:58] When people Still turn out to be gay who use this, we go, Well, how about the water in the oatmeal and in the salad? Huh? Did you always use the filter? And when they go, Oh no, I thought I didn't have to when I made soup, I just use tap water. Well, don't blame us.

Rowan Niles: [00:22:13] Right. You mess up.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:22:16] How much were these filters be?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:22:18] $60 a filter. But you'd have to. You'd have to. Yeah, you'd. Have to change it every week.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:22:24] Well, it has to be 59.99.

Cat Alvarado: [00:22:26] Right? You change it.  Every week, you might become gay and that could be a problem.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:22:31] We would make so much money off of this.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:22:32] Listen, because this is what happens when you go to a country where you're not supposed to drink the water. If you're not used to that, you have to be so diligent or you'll still get some kind of food poisoning because like, you'll eat a salad that's been rinsed with tap water or you'll you'll drink only bottled water, but the ice cubes will be tap water. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's inescapable.

Cat Alvarado: [00:22:51] My theory. I do not think the water is making people gay, but I think it is messing up all our hormones. I know so many women who are having, like, menstrual issues where, like, I knew a girl who got her period for about ten years straight. Like she'd have she'd be lucky if she had like a week off. She started losing her hair. She had horrible anemia. I have friends, cousins who have something called PCOS, polycystic ovarian syndrome. And like, they get like tumors in their ovaries and then they can't have kids. That is coming from something I think that is has to do with pollutants.

Rowan Niles: [00:23:27] They can't have kids?

Cat Alvarado: [00:23:28] Yeah, some people with PCOS can't have kids, so they're gay now. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know, ladies. If you're out there and you're infertile, did you know you're gay? You're gay? Um, apparently so. I think we do have pollutants in the water and we need to fix them. But I don't think they're making us gay. I think the pollutants in the water are very much just hurting us in lots of other ways. But I don't think it's going to make you gay because being gay is a whole lot more complicated. All these women I know who've got all these hormone issues not gay.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:24:02] My theory is obviously much more realistic than all of us.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:24:05] Of course. Right. Oh, boy.

Cat Alvarado: [00:24:07] Always.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:24:08] So you know how the grey aliens, they're supposed to be Asian. They're, you know, they're hairless, they're small. So my plan is that they're not trying to turn people gay. They're trying to turn people into grey aliens. Oh, so they're polluting the water to turn them into hairless, small gays.

Cat Alvarado: [00:24:25] G As,

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:24:28] Grey alien. There you go. See.

Rowan Niles: [00:24:31] I know that guy.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:24:32] So we have to add.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:24:33] I mean, it's as. Simple as that.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:24:34] So we have to add a LGBTQ. A for alien. Alien. Yes. Yeah. Aliens.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:24:40] That actually. Is already. In there.

Cat Alvarado: [00:24:41] It's the asexuals, right?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:24:43] Oh, I didn't. Know that's.

Cat Alvarado: [00:24:44] The LGBTQ. I a.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:24:47] A a a l a a L.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:24:50] Rowan, what do you think? What is your theory?

Rowan Niles: [00:24:52] First of all, the water is not turning people gay. Okay. If it was, I would drink ten times even more of it and I would have even more fun than I'm already having. I have this theory that long ago, once upon a time, there was a husband and wife, and the wife came home and she saw her husband in the backyard with the neighbor, another man, and they were smooching. And he came back inside. You know, she kept it to herself for a few days. And finally, when she couldn't bear it anymore, she's like, you know, I saw you and I saw you in Greg. I saw you guys kissing. What's that all about? And he's like, Honey, it's not my fault. Did you hear the water? The water? It's turning people gay. And then she goes to her book club this week and she's like, Ladies, do not let your husband drink water. They are. They are. They're turning gay. And they're like, That explains so much. I have seen all of their husbands are just smooching on the low. That's my conspiracy theory. I think it's just one big rumor that got a little crazy.

Cat Alvarado: [00:26:01] I like it.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:26:02] I like that one that. I love that. Also. It's like if that guy was a drinker or wanted to drink something other than water, even though water isn't everything. But if you wanted to drink Gatorade or only soda pop, it was twofold. It was like, I'm only gay because I was drinking the water and now I can't drink water anymore. So I got to hit these brews and.

Rowan Niles: [00:26:21] Yeah, exactly. And then they start drinking. I actually wanted to bring that up if the water is making. People gay, are they? Is that why everyone? Is that what Mountain Dew is doing? Like making people straight?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:26:38] That's hilarious.

Cat Alvarado: [00:26:39] Okay, so we're at the point in the show where we need to pick the unofficial official story, one that will once and for all answer this question. Okay. What do you guys think? Which theory do we want to go with? I like Rowan's best. I like that It was a rumor that got way too out of hand.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:26:57] Yeah, me too. I vote for Rowan's as well.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:26:59] Yeah, I triple that. That's. That was brilliant. That one guy was just sort of, like, unwilling to be honest, and it just grew. It's hilarious to me.

Rowan Niles: [00:27:08] Yeah, like maybe. Opening up a like a magazine and it's like a picture of, like, a man in drag and they're like, This is your brain on water?

Cat Alvarado: [00:27:16] I love it. They love it.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:27:18] So, Rowan, are you going to vote for you? I mean, it doesn't matter because we already have three votes, but do you want to vote for your own as well?

Rowan Niles: [00:27:23] Oh, boy. No, no, I shan't. That's something else. You know, Cat, I liked your theory. You know, Cat and Dwyane. Can I actually group you guys together? I think you guys, you know, we're all in the same boat. The water doesn't turn anyone gay. But you guys did have some valid points about we don't know what's going on. And I wish everybody the best of health.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:27:43] I also had a valid point about the aliens.

Rowan Niles: [00:27:45] Yeah. Oh, yeah,

Cat Alvarado: [00:27:46] Yeah. No, the aliens. That was cute. So there it is. It was a rumor that got out of hand. And that's the official story. We'll take another break and when we return, we'll figure out what we would put in the water supply.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:28:04] Let's say we could put something in the water that affected some kind of change in the population. What would you guys put in the water and why?

Cat Alvarado: [00:28:12] I would put Adderall in the water so that we could compete with the robots because they're taking our jobs and. Cannot keep up. We need to focus more. We all need to focus more that or lion's mane, some kind of thing that makes us all smarter because so many people in the world are dumb. Let's. Let's be real. Like, we need to get our shit together as a country. So Lion's Mane in Adderall, that's what I'd put.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:28:41] Rowan, what would you put in the water?

Rowan Niles: [00:28:43] Okay, this might be a stretch and I really need you guys to stick with me here. I would like, if I could put the last 48 seconds of Abba's song Chiquitita into Water. I would do that because it's just such good vibes and I feel like it would like really add some kind of joy to people's lives.

Cat Alvarado: [00:29:01] Okay.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:29:02] I love it. I love it.

Cat Alvarado: [00:29:03] That's fun, that's abstract. But I get it and I like it.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:29:05] Well, you know, it's interesting. I'm kind of with Cat and something that would make critical thinking a little bit better. So since Cat said that I want to put something in the water that makes people who know when they have enough of something, so I want to put something in the water that makes people because even myself, like I just saw some sneakers that were really cool and I was like, You know what? I'm not really a sneakerhead, but I could definitely wear a different pair of sneakers every day, probably for 30 days. So therefore, I don't need any more sneakers. You know what I mean?

Cat Alvarado: [00:29:34] I think. You're a sneaker. Head.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:29:36] No. No, because they're not like. They're not, like, rare sneakers that I got from Japan. You know what I mean? It just. I just buy sneakers from, like, Ross dress for lesss or wherever They're decent, don't get me wrong. So you're.

Cat Alvarado: [00:29:49] You're a broke sneakerhead, right?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:29:55] You're a low-level sneaker head. That's what it sounds like. Right.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:30:00] And I think I think overconsumption is okay. But I think we just need to reset. So something that makes people not overconsume food or anything else just to get us back sort of reset everything, you know?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:30:12] Okay, you. Guys are all super. Boring.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:30:14] I know.

Cat Alvarado: [00:30:16] I thought Adderall was a good choice, but okay.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:30:18] Anybody who's read anything Of mine would know that. Number one thing I want to put a rage virus. A zombie virus.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:30:23] Yeah. I knew that.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:30:24] My dream is to, like, be in a zombie apocalypse and see how long I could survive.

Cat Alvarado: [00:30:27] So you're just like, throw everybody under the bus because you need to answer this question.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:30:32] Exactly how long can I live in a zombie apocalypse?

Rowan Niles: [00:30:36] That's insanity. You're just going to take us all down with you.

Cat Alvarado: [00:30:40] Koji is a psychopath, apparently.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:30:44] That would be so much fun. I'd be like, all right. I mean, I tell I tell you guys, don't worry. I'd be like, don't drink the water for the next like, you know, week or so. It's like.

Cat Alvarado: [00:30:51] Meanwhile we all end up getting eaten by the zombies.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:30:54] I'd be like, Get get some guns, get some friends with guns. Go, go some place, you know,

Cat Alvarado: [00:30:59] Go to the Winchester. They really need to make like a VR zombie apocalypse. I mean, isn't that every video game, though? But it would be cool to make a realistic Walking Dead.

Rowan Niles: [00:31:08] My brother made me play Resident Evil seven in a headset for like four hours, and by the time I got out of it, I needed like, severe therapy for a minute.

Cat Alvarado: [00:31:16] Like give yourself real PTSD. Like, yeah, we. Went to battle zone.

Rowan Niles: [00:31:21] Koji would the zombie effects wear off eventually. Or are you just like going total last of us like. But it was intentional.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:31:28] Oh, that's a good question. I mean, maybe I don't want everything to end. I mean, I want to see my I want to see my movie come out or something, you know? So maybe it's like a week, right? We can see how long. But and then we'll just see who's like, I mean, actually it solves two problems, right? One problem is the over consumption and over, you know, like kind of like Thanos. If half the world's gone, then the world's going to be much safer and cleaner and everything. So, yeah, maybe maybe just a week or two.

Cat Alvarado: [00:31:50] Don't even feel like this. The first time you've suggested something like that just in this season of the podcast.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:31:58] I just picture that moment where every like if it's a weak zombie thing, like a week or two long and then everyone's just sort of like, Oh, and they wake, they snap out of it and clothes are all tattered. And they're like, What happened? That was crazy.

Cat Alvarado: [00:32:10] I Have a suggestion Koji if you really want to see what it's like to survive a zombie apocalypse, you need to come down to downtown LA and just live among the homeless for like a day. Sorry. Live among the unhoused.

Rowan Niles: [00:32:24] Would drinking the zombie water. Be like that of taking an edible. And it's like, when have you ever taken an edible? And you're like, I'm fine. And then the next second you're like, I am not fine. Yeah. Is that.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:32:37] No, I want I want to rage one because then it's like, yeah, like they have to be like 24, 28 days later kind of thing where they're like actually going after you because then it's more fun. I mean, if they're slow and like, then that's not fun.

Rowan Niles: [00:32:50] So what are you going to drink?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:32:51] I won't drink anything of the water, that's for sure. I'll drink. I'll drink my own urine. Well, that has water in it. But that wasn't polluted by.

Cat Alvarado: [00:32:57] The recycled.

Rowan Niles: [00:32:58] Gatorade or. Something.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:32:59] Gatorade.

Cat Alvarado: [00:33:04] All right. Well, thank you, Rohan, for coming on with us. Please tell us where we can follow you.

Rowan Niles: [00:33:08] Oh, my goodness. I'm so thank you so much for having me on. It's been a lot of fun. You know, I'm on Instagram at Rowan, Niles and same on TikTok. I talk about even more gay stuff on TikTok, if you can believe it. So,

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:33:21] Rowan. Why don't you tell us a little bit about Laugh Proud?

Rowan Niles: [00:33:23] Yeah. Laugh proud. It's going to be a lot of fun. It's going to be July 1st. This is a stand up show and it's me and a bunch of other very talented queer comics. It's going to be at the Renberg Theater, the LGBT center here in Los Angeles. Tickets, I believe, are on sale right now. You can visit, Laugh, Proud.com And yeah, if you want to come out and just laugh and have a good time, it's going to be really cool. And I can't wait to see everybody there.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:33:48] Shout out to my friend Quentin Lee, who is directing and producing it. Quentin is the guy that did a bunch of movies with, is one of the most prolific Asian American filmmakers out there. He's my personal hero. So. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:33:58] Awesome. Awesome. I personally I also want to share with you guys. I actually dropped my first comedy album this month or this last month in in May. So you can find that on Spotify, on iTunes, on Bandcamp, Everywhere albums are found. It's called Off White, Off White. So check that out, you guys. And thank you all so much for listening. There are almost 3 million podcasts and we are honored you've chosen to listen to ours. Please check out our website Unofficial official story.com for our show notes or to hear our past episodes. Be sure to come back next month where we will answer the question Which celebrities are actually aliens?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:34:38] Man All the Asian people for sure, right? We've already established. That.So those are all aliens. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:34:45] Definitely Madonna. I don't know if you've seen her lately. Definitely Alien.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:34:48] Dwayne The Rock Johnson.

Cat Alvarado: [00:34:49] The Rock. Yeah, he's too. He's too perfect. I vote for the rock.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:34:54] The question is, are you born an alien or do the aliens sort of take over your body?

Rowan Niles: [00:35:00] Putting alien in the water?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:35:02] See, I told you. I told. You.

Cat Alvarado: [00:35:07] Great call back And with that, thank you guys again for so much.

All: [00:35:10] Bye. Bye, guys. Bye. Thank you.