S3E4 Extraterrestrial Superstar Celebrities with Comedian Jonesy

Cat: [00:00:04] Welcome, welcome, Welcome, you guys. This is season three Episode four of the unofficial official Story. I'm Cat, and I don't know why I'm talking like a reporter. Like just then. Did you hear it? I felt, I felt that I was like, this is this is it. The car crash behind us is terrible. Poor people have...

Dwayne: [00:00:23] Right. Right.

Cat: [00:00:23] Drowned in molasses.

Dwayne: [00:00:25] No, I like it. And I'm Dwayne. And I'm, I'm live on site, from the crash site, Dwayne Perkins. You know, like there's got to be the guy, the correspondent who's live, but I'm not the guy who was there when it happened. I'm there hours later and they just feel like I need to be standing there for some reason.

Koji: [00:00:40] And I'm Koji and I should not be on the news.

Cat: [00:00:44] Well, this is where we tell you the official story. We look at the paranormal, conspiracies, unexplained phenomena, cryptids and true crime. And by the end, we'll tell you what really maybe happened. In this episode, in honor of the 76th anniversary of the Roswell incident, which was perhaps America's most famous encounter with extraterrestrials, we are asking which celebrities are aliens? But first, let's introduce our guest, comedian Jonesy. Jonesy is a stand-up comedian from Boston that has performed in eight countries. As an actor, he has guest starred on shows like Gotham, Drunk History, and Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. His podcast, Weird AF News, has garnered a large international following with over 3 million downloads and 1500 episodes. 1500. Jesus Christ, Jonesy. Good job.

Dwayne: [00:01:34] This is a historic moment. Jonesy is our first returning guest. His episode way back in season one about D.B. Cooper, Episode six Season one, continues to be one of our most replayed episodes ever. Also, Jonesy is one of the people who recommended Cat to join our team, so for that we are eternally grateful.

Koji: [00:01:53] Jonesy, how's your podcast going?

Jonesy: [00:01:54] My podcast? Weird AF News is doing really well. It's growing all the time and I'm very proud of that. That's kind of what keeps me going. 

Koji: [00:02:03] What's your favorite story that you've done on the podcast?

Jonesy: [00:02:04] Well, you know, all these Florida stories are very memorable.

Cat: [00:02:08] The gift that keeps on giving, huh?

Jonesy: [00:02:08] You know, woman gets pulled over in a pickup truck because there's a Florida man in a cage in the back of it. You know, these kinds of things happen all the time in Florida. Now, to us, you're like, oh, that's wild. But in Florida, it seems kind of normal. Those stories really stick out to me, though. Those Florida stories are just so bananas.

Koji: [00:02:26] What's your craziest fan interaction from your podcast? Have you had any kind of craziness there?

Jonesy: [00:02:31] I've had some things mailed me.

Dwayne: [00:02:34] Like what?

Jonesy: [00:02:36] I probably shouldn't be giving out my home address, but you know, I don't really. 

Dwayne: [00:02:39] I was like, how do, how do they even know where to, where to send it?

Jonesy: [00:02:41] Well, I tell them, you know, if they want to send me something, email me and I'll give my address. I can kind of get away with it now because there's not too many. I mean, I'm not at that level yet where I'd have to get like some sort of P.O. box to protect myself. And so I've had a woman bake me gingerbread skulls.

Cat: [00:02:59] That's. That's cute.

Koji: [00:03:00] Was it good?

Jonesy: [00:03:01] Yeah, they were pretty good.

Cat: [00:03:02] Well, you know, some cultures, like, if the woman puts her underwear juices into what she feeds you, you'll fall in love with her forever.

Dwayne: [00:03:07] So you got to be careful.

Jonesy: [00:03:09] Oh, it's a love spell. I've heard of these.

Dwayne: [00:03:11] That's a thing in Malaysia they do.

Cat: [00:03:13] Malaysia.

Dwayne: [00:03:14] It's a dish they have.

Cat: [00:03:14] It's like a lot of different countries that.

Jonesy: [00:03:17] It's very popular in Mexican culture. These love spells. Yeah. Yeah, I. I covered this story before.

Dwayne: [00:03:23] That reminds me, when I was in college, this dude said something so hilarious. We were talking about like, I think Twilight Zones. And there was one Twilight Zone where this guy wanted this girl to fall in love with him. The lady was like, you know, give her a cup of this and she'll fall in love with you. You know what I mean? But I think what happened was or like she'll, she'll come back from the dead and be in love with you. No, she'll be in love with you. But then he gave her, like, too much. He gave her like, instead of one cup, two cups. Then she died. But the spell was so strong that her, like, zombie came back and chased this guy around.

Jonesy: [00:03:53] Oh, she got a super roofie.

Dwayne: [00:03:55] Because he really, you know. And then I remember this guy Kareem - shout out to Kareem from from Brooklyn, Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn. He said, because he was like, he only was supposed to use a cup and he used two cups. And that's why she haunted him forever. And he was like, I would have just used a teaspoon and let me hit it once.

Koji: [00:04:14] What else? What else did you get?

Jonesy: [00:04:18] Someone a couple of weeks ago mailed me. It was like a late birthday present. They mailed me a very expensive art book.

Cat: [00:04:25] Oh, that's nice.

Koji: [00:04:27] That's not the direction I was thought you were going.

Jonesy: [00:04:30] Like, you know, you know, like, you know, like a, one of these coffee table books. Like this art book. But this art book...

Dwayne: [00:04:33] But it was a coffee table, not a...

Jonesy: [00:04:36] It was like a, one artist and it was like all of their works. And I mean, this book probably costs like $250. And they sent me this art book. I thought it was a little odd because I don't even really, I'm not into that artist really either. So it just was a strange, strange gift.

Cat: [00:04:49] You know what? They might be getting rid of their own stuff. 

Jonesy: [00:04:52] I think it was Degas. Maybe that's what it was.

Cat: [00:04:52] Like for those, like, Swedish cleaning situations. 

Jonesy: [00:04:56] That could be. Yeah.

Cat: [00:04:56] Jonesy should have had this.

Jonesy: [00:04:58] Yeah, she sent me two. One was an Escher smaller book, which I actually like. MC Escher is very good. And the other one was like...

Dwayne: [00:05:04] He's got the staircase that never ends.

Jonesy: [00:05:06] Ends. Yeah, the staircase that never ends.

Dwayne: [00:05:07] You know, maybe you should check these books for bugs.

Dwayne: [00:05:10] Yeah, I should.

Dwayne: [00:05:11] Just because, you know.

Cat: [00:05:12] What if it's the government sending books? 

Dwayne: [00:05:14] Right?

Koji: [00:05:14] Yeah.

Jonesy: [00:05:15] I've gotten a lot of Florida memorabilia sent me, too. You know, like Florida. Florida, Manhat. Florida man t-shirts, a Florida man poster. I get, I get Florida crap.

Dwayne: [00:05:24] Fill it with glossing over the fact that this is your home address. I mean, I just don't.

Cat: [00:05:27] Yeah, let's talk about that. Why do you feel so safe, and can I feel that way somehow?

Dwayne: [00:05:31] I'm not loving.

Jonesy: [00:05:33] I, I don't know. I just. I guess I don't care. It's just...

Koji: [00:05:36] We should prepare a memorial episode.

Jonesy: [00:05:44] When I get that bottle of anthrax in the mail and then, oh.

Dwayne: [00:05:48] I don't know if it's like just in the movies, if bombs actually tick or not, but I feel like getting you a stethoscope so at least you can listen to these packages before you open them.

Cat: [00:05:59] Also, don't be eating baked goods you don't know don't have peanuts. You have a peanut allergy, sir.

Jonesy: [00:06:03] Yeah. Well, she, you know, we went back and forth. She knows, my listeners know I have a peanut allergy because I bitch about it on the podcast whenever I do a crazy science segment where, cause, you know, the science is like, they spend all this money to learn about what kind of music does sharks like, you know? And it turns out it's classical. But then I would always bitch about, yeah, all this money pouring into finding out what sharks like to listen to. But like, here I am with a nut allergy. Nothing, can do nothing for me.

Koji: [00:06:29] Before we get into it, I want to mention that my summer intern, Yohana Kim, wrote this episode. So thank you, Yohana. And so, listeners, if you hate anything you hear, blame her. I'm just kidding. She's just a high school intern, so we don't want to get, we don't want to go crazy on her.

Jonesy: [00:06:42] High school intern.

Koji: [00:06:43] High school intern. I have like five, I have four high school interns.

Jonesy: [00:06:46] You got interns for your podcast.

Koji: [00:06:47] Cramerica. Me personally just for.

Jonesy: [00:06:49] You your whole life.

Dwayne: [00:06:50] Cramerica yeah.

Cat: [00:06:54] Yeah. Let's get this story straight once and for all.

Dwayne: [00:06:56] Let's do it. So the question we're asking is, which modern day celebrities, if any, are actually aliens? One conspiracy theory that's gotten popular over the years is the lizard people theory or the reptilian conspiracy theory. Let's see how this article from Punkee defines lizard people. Punkee.

Jonesy: [00:07:14] Punkee, I've never heard of Punkee.

Dwayne: [00:07:14] That solid source.

Jonesy: [00:07:17] It's like CNN, very solid NPR.

Dwayne: [00:07:24] So lizard people are cold blooded humanoid. This is from Punkee. Lizard people are cold blooded humanoid reptilians who have the power to shapeshift into human form. They are creatures from another dimension who possess reptile-like bodies but blend into the crowd by taking on a more humanoid appearance, according to author and conspirer David Icke's book, The Biggest Secret: The Book That Will Change the World. They use holographic technology to disguise themselves as everyday humans and often rise to levels of power in order to manipulate the masses.

Koji: [00:07:57] Have you guys ever read that book?

Dwayne: [00:07:58] I have not. Yeah, somehow. 

Jonesy: [00:08:00] David Icke is a lunatic.

Cat: [00:08:02] Yes, he is a lunatic. 

Jonesy: [00:08:03] He's a complete lunatic. And he does this kind of thing so that he gets paid to speak at these outrageous conventions. This is what's going on.

Cat: [00:08:10] Just so you guys know how much speakers can charge for conventions? It's thousands of dollars, like corporate gigs for comedians can pay ten grand. So people have an incentive to become speakers at these kinds of things.

Dwayne: [00:08:22] That's true.

Jonesy: [00:08:22] And in the, in the realm of alien lecturers, like you can't just keep rehashing, Oh, let's talk about the Roswell incident. Let's talk about the, you know, the the Mississippi incident. You can't. You have to like top it with more outrageous stuff and even make up stuff. So now you get guys going. Oh, yeah, Hillary Clinton's an alien. Yeah.

Dwayne: [00:08:42] How can he how can he prove it? But at the same time, I'm sure we've, especially we all live in Los Angeles. I'm sure you've seen someone and you're like, there's no way that's a human being. I've seen that in Hollywood every day.

Cat: [00:08:54] I mean, Madonna right now.

Dwayne: [00:08:56] Right, right, right. Yeah. Like the aliens have taken over Madonna and Lionel Richie. Shout out to Lionel, I don't want to pick on you, brother, but.

Cat: [00:09:03] Yeah, I'll, I'll save my my alien celebrity theories for when we get to that.

Dwayne: [00:09:06] One. Right, right, right. Okay.

Koji: [00:09:08] According to that same Punkee article, here are the ways to tell if someone is a lizard person in disguise. So the first is the reptilian eyes can be seen if you look closely enough. So some say it's possible to spot them only in the midst of shapeshifting, obviously. scales or hints of green may be seen on the skin while Reptilian is transforming into its humanoid state. I mean, that's obvious. Yeah. Hologram flickers, reptilians are good at hiding their identities that they often forget they're hiding such a big, green, scaly secret. Sometimes the disguises can become more apparent when their hologram skin glitches and your intuition may alert you of a nearby alien.

Cat: [00:09:42] Just if someone gives you the heebie jeebies.

Dwayne: [00:09:43] Right? Right.

Dwayne: [00:09:44] But you know what I like about...

Jonesy: [00:09:47] You've eaten three grams of mushrooms.

Dwayne: [00:09:51] Right, right.

Jonesy: [00:09:51] Oh, everybody's flickering. Cool.

Dwayne: [00:09:54] Well, it's interesting that you can see them in certain when they're changing and different things like that. Makes me think that there's probably certain filters that they want to stay away from.

Jonesy: [00:10:05] Yeah.

Dwayne: [00:10:05] So, like, I'm thinking, like, those 3D glasses. So like, if you have a friend who just refuses to go to a 3D movie with you, he's an alien.

Jonesy: [00:10:15] I see.

Cat: [00:10:15] Their eyeballs are different.

Dwayne: [00:10:17] Right? Cause once you put those glasses on, you can be like, Oh my God, Jeff.

Koji: [00:10:21] Don't you think if they were smart enough to create this kind of technology, wouldn't they just not have glitches?

Cat: [00:10:25] Right?

Dwayne: [00:10:26] You would think.

Koji: [00:10:26] I mean... 

Cat: [00:10:27] If they're supposed to be super smart.

Jonesy: [00:10:28] You could extrapolate that to everything. If, if, if they have the technology to fly here in a, in a craft, they're not gonna crash. I mean, come on.

Dwayne: [00:10:37] Right. Right.

Dwayne: [00:10:38] And, and any, you know, any girl I've ever hooked up with, if you are an alien. Okay, I only ask one thing. Stay in your human form, okay? While I'm doing my thing. And don't shift on me. Please. That'll... I'll die. I'll die.

Jonesy: [00:10:54] You don't got a scaly fetish of any sort?

Dwayne: [00:10:56] No, not at all.

Cat: [00:10:59] I got to say this. This does lend itself to celebrities being aliens or people in the media rather than people who we know in our daily life. Because I think I did like a reaction video to something like this on YouTube where somebody looked like they were glitching. But that's a video thing. It could literally just be the actual video or a film edit issue. So people might see these things and be like, Oh, see, see, Hillary's an alien. It glitched and it's like, maybe it was the camera.

Dwayne: [00:11:24] Right, right, right. So it's like a it's a built in excuse kind of thing.

Dwayne: [00:11:28] Yeah.

Koji: [00:11:28] Actually, here's something. I mean, it's not related to the aliens or this, but what's interesting, I was just reading a book about how we're the last generation. That video is actually evidence.

Cat: [00:11:36] Oh, yeah.

Dwayne: [00:11:37] Oh, yeah. After this it's done.

Koji: [00:11:38] Like, right up from right now, it's like before this, if you saw a video of somebody murdering somebody, it's proof. I mean, now AI and video editing and.

Jonesy: [00:11:47] It used to be as seen on, as seen on TV.

Koji: [00:11:49] Yeah.

Jonesy: [00:11:50] Gave you credibility.

Koji: [00:11:51] That was real.

Jonesy: [00:11:51] It would be real. Yeah. They'd be like, hey, buy this thing. As seen on TV. It was on TV, that salad chopper. It was the one on TV. Is that the one that was on TV, Henry? It sure was. I bought two.

Dwayne: [00:12:02] Right? Right. But he's saying.

Jonesy: [00:12:04] If you were on TV you had some credibility because of.

Dwayne: [00:12:05] Deepfakes. He's saying deepfakes and.

Jonesy: [00:12:07] Deepfakes are very real. Yes sir.

Koji: [00:12:08] Like, I mean, it's like Obama was. He's talking to Hitler? That was weird. You know, it's like.

Dwayne: [00:12:13] But pretty soon DNA won't, won't be what it is because people will be able to, like...

Cat: [00:12:17] Manufacture your DNA. 

Dwayne: [00:12:18] Steal your DNA.

Cat: [00:12:19] Yeah. Well, they can already steal your DNA.

Dwayne: [00:12:20] Implant it. Right.

Cat: [00:12:20] Like I could, I could just like.

Dwayne: [00:12:21] They'll get better at it.

Cat: [00:12:22] Brush up on you, and then just, like, take some of your dead skin cells and then go do a murder and just, like, put them, put them, sprinkle them.

Dwayne: [00:12:29] Right.

Jonesy: [00:12:30] Well, it's a good thing that lizard DNA is different from human DNA.

Dwayne: [00:12:33] And if we're tracking that, that will be a thing. So the only way to fight that will be to constantly have your alibi ready. And the way to do that is to be constantly be tracked. So we're going to eventually agree. I know we have the phone, but it'll be even more so. It'll be like implanted.

Cat: [00:12:51] You guys, totalitarian state is probably inevitable. I think we can agree on that. Just give up on the idea of freedom. Anyways.

Jonesy: [00:12:58] I'll be dead before then. Thankfully.

Cat: [00:13:00] No, you won't. It's going to be like five years from now. All right, Now let's look at some celebrities who might be aliens in disguise and the evidence behind each Punkee claim. First, we have none other than Justin Bieber. Supposedly, Justin let himself slip up in front of hundreds of fans, exposing himself as a giant reptile.

Koji: [00:13:20] This is from the Punkee article.

Cat: [00:13:21] This is from the Punkee.

Jonesy: [00:13:22] Yeah, which was written by a Q-anon member.

Cat: [00:13:25] You don't know that. Okay. Theories of the Biebs being a lizard have been thrown around for a while but peaked when he was touring Australia for his Purpose tour. This article from Perth Now was supposedly published, then quickly taken down. The story claims that police were called by distressed fans who saw gross colored scales all over Bieber's body.

Dwayne: [00:13:47] But that could have been like he hooked up with the wrong girl or something too, like, you know.

Koji: [00:13:52] What kind of girl? 

Cat: [00:13:54] Allergic reaction.

Jonesy: [00:13:55] You've got, you've got the scales.

Dwayne: [00:13:55] No, no, I never had the scale. But I'm saying.

Dwayne: [00:13:57] Scale arena?

Dwayne: [00:13:58] It could be a lot of different things.

Jonesy: [00:14:00] Scalies? 

Dwayne: [00:14:01] Yeah, some kind of.

Cat: [00:14:02] But like, was it while he was on stage? I feel like, like lighting could have that effect. Like. 

Dwayne: [00:14:06] Could be lighting. 

Cat: [00:14:06] It could be like a light with a weird pattern filter on it. And everybody's like, What is that?

Jonesy: [00:14:10] People do drugs when they go to concerts. Are we like forgetting?

Dwayne: [00:14:13] That's true.

[00:14:14] Oh, yeah. There's the whole conspiracy theory of people poking people with needles that have drugs. What if they got poked with drug needles that had mushrooms?

Koji: [00:14:20] Or he was just an alien, guys? I mean, you guys are automatically jumping to assumptions.

Dwayne: [00:14:23] At this point, the other excuses are even more hard to believe than the alien.

Jonesy: [00:14:27] I've seen Justin Bieber up close. And he didn't look like an alien to me.

Dwayne: [00:14:30] He's tall, right?

Jonesy: [00:14:30] No, not that tall.

Dwayne: [00:14:32] Oh, I thought he was really tall.

Cat: [00:14:33] What if they're confusing his tattoos with alien scales because they're dumb?

Jonesy: [00:14:36] There you go.

Dwayne: [00:14:40] Possible.

Dwayne: [00:14:41] It could have not been him. He could have double booked. Oh, and he sent, like, some green dude.

Koji: [00:14:46] Like the Tupac AI. 

Dwayne: [00:14:46] Yeah, yeah, some AI. It was a hologram that was glitching.

Koji: [00:14:48] Yeah. There you go.

Jonesy: [00:14:50] He's like, I'm too tired to do the show tonight. You want us to call the iguana? Yeah. All right. Call the iguana in.

Dwayne: [00:14:55] So next up, we have Queen Elizabeth the second. This is this the queen that just passed?

Cat: [00:15:01] Yes.

Dwayne: [00:15:02] Okay. David Icke, the man behind the lizard person theory, has spoken at length about how he believes that Queen Elizabeth II is, in fact, a shapeshifting, or was a shapeshifting, or is, who knows, a shapeshifting lizard from outer space. Icke claimed in the 1991 interview that the British royal family is descended from a reptilian bloodline. He also believes that members of the Illuminati, including all of Earth's royal families, are descendants of ancient hybrids between reptilian aliens and humans. Also, let's not forget, her name is Elizabeth. Lizzie, short for... Lizzie, for short. Is Lizzie short for Lizard?

Koji: [00:15:41] Oh,

Dwayne: [00:15:41] Yeah. Maybe because I think her name was E-lizard-beth.

Cat: [00:15:45] No, I didn't--

Jonesy: [00:15:46] Question, uh, does anywhere in that Punkee article, does David give the number to his dealer? I'd like to smoke whatever he's smoking.

Cat: [00:15:57] I had no idea David Icke was a biogeneticist that he could see what lizard DNA is like Human DNA. Oh look, it's got 32 chromosomes instead of thirty, 23 or whatever.

Jonesy: [00:16:09] He's, he's whatever he needs to be to sell his self-published books, you know what I'm saying?

Dwayne: [00:16:14] But, you know, think about that. The vision we have of Satan, right? Whoever came up with it, it's like a guy with horns, with maybe a tail, right? I read a book about, like, an alien who came and then came back. And this book was a fictional book. But the theory was that the alien came thousands of years ago. People saw him, that Satan, he left came back, and it was like, Oh, no, it was me, I would say a thousands of years ago, I'm an alien. So I'm just saying in like thinking like, what if the alien came and stayed and was, and was like a, you know, Satan looking thing?

Cat: [00:16:48] And made babies with some people and that eventually became Queen Elizabeth.

Dwayne: [00:16:51] Yeah, exactly.

Cat: [00:16:52] Interesting. Well, we also have like, I don't know if you guys ever heard of Valiant Thor. Have you done a Valiant Thor episode?

Koji: [00:16:57] We have not.

Cat: [00:16:58] Okay. So for those who don't know, Valiant Thor was essentially an alien who came during the Eisenhower administration and it was like.

Dwayne: [00:17:05] Oh, we did. Oh, we did. 

Koji: [00:17:06] Oh, never mind we did.

Cat: [00:17:06] Yeah, we did. We did. We did.

Koji: [00:17:07] Yes. Nordic. The Nordic Aliens.

Cat: [00:17:09] The Nordic Aliens.

Koji: [00:17:10] Yes. 

Cat: [00:17:10] And he was all about, like, love and peace and like, don't do a nuclear war. And that he had come back before. I'm like, Oh, was Valiant Thor Jesus? Like I've thought about that. That's what that Satan theory reminded me of.

Dwayne: [00:17:20] Right, right, right.

Koji: [00:17:21] Well, actually, you know, one of the things that's interesting about aliens is that, like, the alien abductions is very related to, like, the time period. So like in the 50s, all the alien abductions, not just that one, but all of them were like space brothers, space sisters, and like all of them would take you to spacecraft and say things like, you know, you're ruining the earth. You've got to take care of earth and stuff. And then because the 50s was peaceful and people were prosperous, if you weren't, I'm assuming you were Caucasian? In the 60s when it became like the civil rights movement and anti-Vietnam and all that stuff, it became grey aliens, space experiments like sexual experiments, really bad experiences.

Jonesy: [00:17:56] In a different message from them, probably.

Koji: [00:17:58] Yeah. Different. Like they weren't talking about Space Brothers and Space Sisters anymore. And then. And then now, like what they're doing now, allegedly, if you.

Jonesy: [00:18:05] I know what they did, they get you. Their new message is just don't be on your phone so much.

Dwayne: [00:18:09] No, no, no, no, no. Like, actually.

Koji: [00:18:11] No, it's crazy, listen.

Jonesy: [00:18:11] Stop eating so much meat.

Koji: [00:18:13] No, no, it's crazy. It's actually. So they're now hybrid aliens and they live in, like, apartments or wherever houses. And then basically, when they abduct people, they no longer take you to space. They take you to your their apartment, and they're like, Does this look like a human lives here? And you as a human walk around and be like, No, like there would be food in the refrigerator or something, right? And then then they send you back, you come back and then they do this. And so there's a lot of people who who are being abducted like they have like missing time. They go out for pizza to go get pizza, pick up pizza or something, and they come back like five hours later and they're like they had no idea. There's ones where they go to parties together. And he's like, the, the human is explaining to the hybrid what it what it means to. Like. Like what? That guy. What that guy said, what it meant. Or they go to baseball games.  Anyway.

Cat: [00:18:50] I just feel like that sounds like being friends with someone awkward.

Koji: [00:18:53] No, but.

Jonesy: [00:18:53] I know, right?

Koji: [00:18:54] No, no, no. But what's interesting is that now, I mean, basically now that like, what that's saying is that we're so afraid of our neighbors that they could be actually not human. Right? They're like.

Cat: [00:19:05] Wow, these are kind of these are kind of basic human interactions, potentially.

Koji: [00:19:09] But, but that we're so afraid. Like our, our stories about aliens are now that they're right next to us. They're no longer, we're no longer having to go to space but 

Cat: [00:19:09] That they're right there.

Jonesy: [00:19:16] They're among us.

Koji: [00:19:17] They're, they're next door.

Cat: [00:19:18] It's the person two doors down who we're skeptical of.

Koji: [00:19:20] Who could be, who could be like a half alien.

Jonesy: [00:19:22] So it's been flavored with some paranoia.

Koji: [00:19:25] Well, I think, it's but I think it's a lot about where we are as a society.

Cat: [00:19:28] And we have a loneliness epidemic right now.

Koji: [00:19:30] Yeah, that, like, that you're taking and they become like friends because you have this interaction for like years now.

Jonesy: [00:19:35] Which is, which is another argument towards this is, may not be an outside source. This may be generated by the super collective unconscious of our race. You know, it's like when you have dreams, you often have dreams that are sort of reflective of what you're going, you're going through in life. I mean, you probably have a ton of baseball related coaching dreams, right? You're like, oh, you know, I mean, you being a baseball coach, I'm sure you have these nightmares about, you know, you're waving the guy home, he's throwing out at the plate. 

Koji: [00:19:35] I never had that dream.

Jonesy: [00:20:07] You don't have that? I have dreams of things that I'm going through. And, you know, so as a collective species, we're, we're all dealing with something. And that's reflective in, in these interactions, which makes me believe this is more of something we're creating ourselves rather than some outside force coming in and just fiddling with us.

Koji: [00:20:26] Sure. I mean, it's like a, it's the idea of tulpa. I've talked about it on the show before, but it's, tulpa is this idea. It's a Buddhist word, but a lot of other cultures have it as well, where basically if you put enough energy into something, it becomes real. So like, I mean, this is why like in like I think it was 2000 or 1999 or 2001 or something like that, that's when the first Slenderman photo was done for a competition. And after that, we put so many we made creepypastas. We've made movies, we've made stories about it, and everyone's put so much energy into it, it became real.

Jonesy: [00:20:56] They appear. They become real 

Koji: [00:20:56] Just like UFOs or like or why we never find Bigfoot is because people talk about Bigfoot. People talk about Bigfoot for centuries, and all of a sudden we start to see it. There's no proof of it, but we start to see it. So ghosts are the same thing.

Cat: [00:21:07] It does make you wonder how much we make our own reality. So my boyfriend, he. He wanted to find, like, a very specific girl to date. And so he made a list. He decided to manifest the girlfriend and I shit you not. He showed me the list after we were dating for a little while, and I could see, like, the date that it was saved in his phone and it was me. It was like 40 things, and they were all me. And it was so sweet but creepy.

Jonesy: [00:21:31] Creepy. I was gonna say creepy, actually. 

Cat: [00:21:32] Creepy as hell.

Jonesy: [00:21:34] He's just trying to manifest you.

Cat: [00:21:36] I got manifested, you guys.

Jonesy: [00:21:36] Isn't that sweet? 

Cat: [00:21:37] It's very sweet. I'm like, can you manifest me some money?.

Jonesy: [00:21:39] That's one thing for a guy to hit on you at a bar. It's another thing for a guy to swipe on you in a dating app is another thing for a guy to manifest you in his journal.

Cat: [00:21:47] Right? It's crazy.

Jonesy: [00:21:49] Pull you into his life. It's very special. And I hate to tell you, you're never getting away.

Cat: [00:21:56] I was manifested. I was literally created for that, for this guy. I don't exist. If he doesn't exist, I'll disappear, you guys.

Dwayne: [00:22:03] It's super sweet. Maybe, you know, if he didn't know you already, then it's super sweet. Like if he didn't, like, know you and then work backwards with the list. But let's assume that didn't happen. So it's super sweet. And I just. My only wish is that, you know, even I think Cat is a great name. If your name was Destiny, that would have been. Oh, man, could it be Manifest Destiny?

Dwayne: [00:22:22] It'd be Manifest Destiny.

Jonesy: [00:22:24] You and I, Koji, have talked about because I've brought this up with you, The Conjuring Philip phenomenon.

Koji: [00:22:29] Yeah. You wanna, you want to tell people about that?

Jonesy: [00:22:30] The Conjuring Philip experiment. I believe it took place in Canada. A lot of, a group of psychologists, it was like ten of them, would get together once a week and kind of do a quasi seance where, you know, close around a table and they together came up with characteristics of a dead spirit. They got really deep with the biography who this person was before they passed away, what their, what their name was, where they lived, what they look like. And then over the span of a year, this spirit was conjured and it was communicating with them by tapping on the table, by lifting the table, by making things in the room move around and, you know, mysterious noises.

Dwayne: [00:23:13] Allegedly. 

Jonesy: [00:23:14] Allegedly. There is video of the table being being manipulated. 

Cat: [00:23:19] Wild.

Jonesy: [00:23:19] And so, you know, this is something that might be possible.

Koji: [00:23:23] Tulpa. It's a tulpa.

Jonesy: [00:23:24] A tulpa. Correct. And, you know, we could easily solve this by someone doing the, redoing The Conjuring Philip episode and experiment. I don't know why no one does that. You could set up video cameras and you could redo this whole experiment now and put this to rest.

Dwayne: [00:23:37] But I don't want to conjure Philip, you know. I want to...

Jonesy: [00:23:38] You don't want to?

Dwayne: [00:23:39] Conjure up Jamal.

Jonesy: [00:23:40] Jamal?

Dwayne: [00:23:41] Yeah.

Koji: [00:23:42] What about Cindy? Cindy, Come on, now. We can't. Cindy.

Dwayne: [00:23:47] Can we conjure Cyndi Lauper? I mean, I know she's alive, but.

Koji: [00:23:50] Cindy Crawford from the 90s.

Cat: [00:23:52] She's also alive.

Dwayne: [00:23:52] Cyndi Lauper. 

Jonesy: [00:23:53] No, we can't. All right.

Koji: [00:23:55] Third on the list is Donald Trump himself. And the evidence for this is that lizard people possess a very specific and advanced set of skills. How does it make a sense that an incompetent garbage man baby is the leader of the free world?

Dwayne: [00:24:09] Poetic. I love it.

Koji: [00:24:10] I didn't write that.

Jonesy: [00:24:11] The high school student wrote that? 

Cat: [00:24:13] That sounds very high school.

Koji: [00:24:13] No, that's from the Punkee article. That's from the Punkee. 

Cat: [00:24:15] Oh, really?

Jonesy: [00:24:15] That's part of the Punkee article. Okay.

Koji: [00:24:17] Yeah.

Jonesy: [00:24:18] They got that right.

Koji: [00:24:18] Yeah.

Cat: [00:24:19] I mean, it is kind of mind blowing that he's so, like, Donald Trump is. He's just such a, he's so random. He doesn't even seem rational sometimes.

Koji: [00:24:29] I mean, he's he's he has an elite skill of public relations. I mean, he is like...

Cat: [00:24:35] He vibes with people. 

Koji: [00:24:35] He's like a Hall of Fame public relations guy. He could turn anything into something.

Cat: [00:24:39] He's like a comic with really good crowd work skills. That's basically all he is. He knows exactly what the crowd wants to hear and he's vibing.

Koji: [00:24:47] In the moment. Yeah, that's. But that's a skill, right? I mean, it takes skill to do that.

[00:24:50] It is. And finally, we have Mark Zuckerberg. The Internet has long suspected Mark Zuckerberg to be more than just a normal human. According to an Inverse article back in 2014, he slipped up on camera and admitted to the world that he hadn't always been human before catching himself. Here are his exact words: You kind of need to remind yourself that you need to focus and try not to let stuff bother you as much as possible. But it is going to bother you because you're human. I was human. I am human still, but I was just referring to myself in the past. No, not that I was not human. That just sounds like he's being awkward.

Jonesy: [00:25:32] Well, he's just on the spectrum.

Cat: [00:25:33] Yeah. 

Dwayne: [00:25:34] Right, right.

Jonesy: [00:25:34] That's what's going on here.

Koji: [00:25:35] Or he's not alien, I mean, or he's not human, I mean.

Cat: [00:25:37] Yeah, I think he's just a very awkward who doesn't blink. I think the bigger, the bigger thing is that man does not blink, ever.

Jonesy: [00:25:44] That's pretty weird.

Dwayne: [00:25:45] I have a joke about not drinking and people think it's weird that I don't drink and I always say no. What's weird is if you don't blink, because if you don't blink, you're an alien and he doesn't blink. Cheney doesn't blink. Biden doesn't blink.

Koji: [00:25:58] Yeah, we did an episode with him.

[00:25:59] Yeah. So all these non blinkers, because that's the one thing that.

Jonesy: [00:26:02] These non blinkers.

Dwayne: [00:26:03] The aliens would forget to program.

Cat: [00:26:05] Yeah. Tells you that their eyes aren't dry.

Dwayne: [00:26:07] Yeah. 

Jonesy: [00:26:08] It's true. They would get everything else. All right. Don't forget occasionally. Pick your nose. Yeah, pick my nose. Okay. Got it. Got it. I forgot to tell him to blink.

Dwayne: [00:26:15] Yeah, they just. I mean, they, they might know now, but. Yeah, I think. Yeah. Him not blinking. That's, that's an issue.

Koji: [00:26:21] Yeah. It's a big issue.

Cat: [00:26:22] So I think what he's trying to say in this quote is like, just chill like but also sometimes you won't be able to chill because we're just people and sometimes we have emotional reactions and that's just part of the human experience. Like that's what he's really saying, like, don't be so hard on yourself.

Dwayne: [00:26:36] Kind of depends on who he's talking to because it's a good message, whether he, even if it's coming from an alien, it's a good message to not, you know, to not let stuff bother you. But, but also, he even as an alien, he was he was, I think, a fairly well-off alien. So like when well-off people tell not well-off people, hey, just fucking, just deal with it, you know what I mean? It's just sort of like, you know, my theory is never take advice from anyone who doesn't do their own laundry.

Cat: [00:27:04] Oh, I like it. 

Dwayne: [00:27:05] If you do your own laundry because then you guys have different, a whole different set of circumstances.

Cat: [00:27:09] That reminds me of a story. One time I was at this open mic and the comic who was up was just a very unattractive guy, like incel vibes for sure. He was like, just think of all of the chap marks...

Koji: [00:27:20] Wait, Dwayne was there? 

Cat: [00:27:21] Like unattractive. Because I don't want to make anyone feel bad in case I describe them.

Dwayne: [00:27:26] Unattractive to you.

Cat: [00:27:27] Yeah, but also I think...

Koji: [00:27:29] To everybody else too. 

Cat: [00:27:30] Universally unattractive. And he got up on stage, and then he was like, Women are so mean, blah, blah, blah, which I guess we are because he was so unattractive. But he was just like complaining about how nobody wanted to sleep with him. And then a very hot guy, like, think of your universally hot guy, chiseled jaw like, just beautiful man, got up and was like, Look, fella, all you need is confidence. And I was like, No, right? Dude, that is messed up. He needs so much more.

Dwayne: [00:28:00] Right? Right.

Cat: [00:28:01] But he, the guy was genuinely like, Yeah, this guy, if he had confidence, then he'd get girls. I'm like, No.

Dwayne: [00:28:07] That's why great, A lot of great players can't be great coaches. Yes. Because like, you know, like if Jordan tries to coach, he's like, Dude, why don't you just dunk that from the free throw line? I was like, What? Yeah, it was wide open. You could have just jumped and dunked it. No, I couldn't have. That's right.

Jonesy: [00:28:27] Although Larry Bird was an exception.

Dwayne: [00:28:29] Yeah.

Jonesy: [00:28:29] Larry Bird is a very good coach.

Dwayne: [00:28:31] Yeah, he was, but only because his skill set was more not athletic based. It was more hand, eye hand coordination. Yeah, but he was still special. Like.

Jonesy: [00:28:39] Yeah, yeah.

Dwayne: [00:28:40] You can't teach what he had.

Koji: [00:28:41] Yeah.

Jonesy: [00:28:42] I just had to defend my guy. I'm so sorry.

Koji: [00:28:43] He was no Jeremy Lin, but we'll go.

Jonesy: [00:28:45] Right, right, right.

Koji: [00:28:46] All right. All right. ChatGPT. What do you think? Are some of these celebrities aliens?

ChatGPT: [00:28:50] There is no credible evidence to suggest that any celebrities are actually aliens. The idea that some famous individuals may be aliens is often a product of speculation, conspiracy theories or science fiction. It is important to distinguish between entertainment and reality. While celebrities may have unique talents, charisma or accomplishments, there is no substantial basis to believe that they are extraterrestrial beings. It's always important to critically evaluate the sources and evidence behind such claims before accepting them as true.

Dwayne: [00:29:23] So what do we think? Are any of these celebrities actually aliens, or is the Internet wrong once again? When we return, we'll put our heads together and figure out what really maybe happened.

Cat: [00:29:36] Now that we've gone over the evidence, let's give our theories. I want to start. Okay. I think that several of the Kardashians and also Gigi and Bella Hadid are aliens. I don't think they've had plastic surgery to alter their faces from natural. I think they went from their alien faces and are slowly going back to being aliens again, because if you think about it, their faces are becoming pointier chinned and their eyebrows. They're, they're making their eyes, like, bigger and more slanted just over time. Like if you just look at their pictures, they're becoming... 

Dwayne: [00:30:08] Interesting.

[00:30:08] ...aliens, slowly.

Dwayne: [00:30:10] Oh, so like they miss their other form.

Cat: [00:30:13] Yeah. Like it's wearing off. The hologram is slowly emerging.

Jonesy: [00:30:17] Oh, the hologram is flickering away because the battery's getting low.

Cat: [00:30:21] Something like that. Yeah.

Dwayne: [00:30:22] The battery.

Jonesy: [00:30:24] And so we're starting to see - when does the tail pop out?

Cat: [00:30:27] Great question. I think a couple more years they're going to start normalizing aliens because there's more and more women who look like this. I think they're the alien people and they're slowly going to merge with humans. Like they're becoming reality celebrities and models, and then they're going to throw more of them onto planet Earth. And then we're going to think that's just how women look and we're not even going to think about it.

Jonesy: [00:30:48] And of course, every everyone eventually emulates the Kardashian body.

Cat: [00:30:52] It's in style to have the big booty.

Jonesy: [00:30:54] Yes. And then so when the tail pops out now you're going to have a lot of people being like, oh, I should get a tail implant, and then they're going to be going down to Brazil, get the Brazilian Tail.

Cat: [00:31:03] That's right. 

Jonesy: [00:31:03] The Brazilian tail lift. And so the Kardashian meme can keep going.

Cat: [00:31:09] Absolutely. And also, Matt Rife, he's just too good looking, guys. He's just too, his jaw's too chiseled. It's not real. He's not real.

Dwayne: [00:31:16] My thoughts are, even I don't know if this is really answers what we're trying to answer here. It's less about who specifically is or isn't an alien. More that the aliens have teamed up with Steven Spielberg because of, you know, him being a great filmmaker. And they kind of caught wind of him in the early 70s and like, this is our guy. So you look at his movies, most of his movies, the aliens are kind of, like, good and they're misunderstood. So they're like, Steve, we're going to have you do most of our movies. So a lot of famous people are aliens. But I think when E.T. Was filmed, they made a fake E.T., right? Because not everyone on set knows what's going on. But there was a real E.T. there, too.

Cat: [00:31:58] It was Drew Barrymore.

Dwayne: [00:31:59] Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She played both. So it's funny, I wasn't going to say that, but then you jumped right on it. That's amazing. So, yeah, there was a real E.T., the mechanical fake E.T. was based on the real E.T.

Cat: [00:32:12] Okay.

Dwayne: [00:32:12] And so, like, that movie really hits home because there's the real ET was there. I was like, I wouldn't, I wouldn't do that. Exactly. Let me see again. No, I'd pick up the Reese's pieces like this, you know what I mean? And only very few people on set would have access to that, that the real E.T. And he, they even slipped him in for a scene or two. So I think a lot of stars are aliens, and I think Spielberg is their guy in terms of their PR guy to get, like, to get them sort of put out there in a good light. So that way if we ever come across them, the impact won't be as great because we we think, we've seen E.T.

Cat: [00:32:48] We normalized. 

Dwayne: [00:32:48] And we like E.T.. Yeah. And so we won't like wig out. We'll think the best. Yeah. So he's basically he'll throw in some some dinosaur stuff but a lot of his movies are like PR for. 

Koji: [00:32:58] For the aliens. 

Dwayne: [00:32:59] For aliens.

Koji: [00:32:59] That's actually a real, that's a real conspiracy.

Dwayne: [00:33:01] Is that right? Yeah.

Koji: [00:33:02] Well, not what you're saying, but the idea. The idea that the United States government's created movies and stuff about aliens that we're not as, so we won't be afraid of them. I mean, one of the theories is that they think that if aliens landed in the United States, like in the War of the Worlds, people would freak out and the society would go down. But that if they created stories where aliens could be good or bad, then we wouldn't necessarily freak out. I mean, I mean, one of the one of the theories about Roswell, actually, I know it's the anniversary of Roswell, is that Stalin saw what happened after the War of the Worlds. And he wanted to, he wanted to create chaos in the United States. And so he put like mentally challenged children onto a weather balloon and crashed into the desert. I mean, that's like, this is not real, obviously. They also say, look, little Japanese people do. But that's like the idea of like this, like the idea that you're creating content so that we get used to the idea. I'm not saying I believe.

Jonesy: [00:33:57] Spielberg's film, Close Encounters. There's actual landing of a craft.

Dwayne: [00:34:01] Yes.

Jonesy: [00:34:02] You know, and Arthur C Clarke, you know, well-known sci fi writer, City in the Stars, I think is the name of the, maybe it's a different novel, but there's a craft that comes into Earth's atmosphere and just sits there, doesn't do anything. It sits there for an entire generation. It sits there and waits until all the youth that were around... 

Koji: [00:34:24] Were used to it. 

Jonesy: [00:34:25] Were used to its presence until they become adults. And then it makes its real appearance after that. 

Koji: [00:34:30] Oh, that's a good idea. 

Jonesy: [00:34:30] It starts to get involved. So yeah, that's like the whole approach of the alien in that particular novel.

Dwayne: [00:34:36] That's pretty cool. That means they care about us. That's pretty cool. And you know, it's weird that I know this is off topic, but with how much Soviet Union and the US, just the games that were played, you know, we came up with a Seal Team six, but there was only a Seal team like one and two or one and two and three, and we jumped to six to make them, fucking, what is four and five? You know what I mean?

Dwayne: [00:34:59] Well, I mean, it's good.

Koji: [00:35:00] There's another one. I mean, like I took poly sci and one of the things that they accredited the end of the Soviet Union was actually Mr. Belvedere.

Dwayne: [00:35:07] Oh, is that right?

Koji: [00:35:08] The reason being is that they're saying, oh, well, middle class Americans can afford a British servant.

Dwayne: [00:35:13] Right?

Koji: [00:35:14] And if they if a middle class American could afford a British servant who was like the high class, right? 

Dwayne: [00:35:19] Right, right.

Koji: [00:35:20] They must be doing way better than us as a normal person.

Dwayne: [00:35:23] Right? Right.

Cat: [00:35:24] That's a lot.

Koji: [00:35:24] And so, yeah, and but like, there's truth in it, right, in that I mean, we were definitely doing better as a, as a economy.

Dwayne: [00:35:30] Right, right. But yeah, like that's like, one of, like there is like a lot of gamesmanship about, you know, that's why they would like beam that show over there and have people watch it. They're like, Oh shit, those guys are doing so much better than us.

Cat: [00:35:39] I mean, that that really scares me about how much culture can have an impact on on politics because the, the troll farms in Russia, which are real, I think the difference between kind of what the media was saying and then what the other media was saying in reality, because they were saying like, oh, it made Trump win. The other people were like, it doesn't exist. It did exist. Like there's government evidence that the troll farms existed. But the goal of the troll farms wasn't necessarily to put one person in government but to sow chaos and push different political views out there that were false or extreme so that Americans would just fight each other. And that scares me because if just one TV show, Mr. Belvedere, could bring down the Soviet Union, then we are fucked.

Koji: [00:36:24] We are. All right, Here's my theory. The celebrities are not aliens. They're actually all robots. We're, we're all robots. That's the thing. So each of each robot has a different thing, right? Celebrity are like hot robots. Generally. They're writer robots like me. There's like, actor robots and comedian robots.

Jonesy: [00:36:40] I'm a model.

Koji: [00:36:41] A model robot. Yeah, you're a failure model robot. But yeah, like, there's different kind of, then, but most most people are just people. But then the ones that are talented like us around this table, we're actually robots. Or beautiful too, Right, right, right.

Dwayne: [00:36:55] I like that theory because of the, the test, Turing test. He's coder who broke the German code. The Turing test is if you're chatting with a some sort of AI or computer and you can't tell it's a computer then that's like, AI has reached its highest point where you can't, a human can't distinguish. But even higher than that is if a robot doesn't know it's a robot and thinks it's a human. And I think that happened in one of the Terminator movies, too.

Koji: [00:37:21] Yeah.

Dwayne: [00:37:21] And I've always thought that just based on the fact that I don't I don't need to sleep a lot. This is, this is something weird. And I hope I'm not a robot, but I know my mom. I was definitely born.

Koji: [00:37:33] Well, you think you were born? Do you remember it? Do you remember that?

Dwayne: [00:37:35] No, of course not. Yes.

Cat: [00:37:36] Well, there you go. I do feel like there are some careers that are for sure robots like people who work in, like, investment banking and work 80 hour weeks. I'm like, are you human or are you a robot or are you on cocaine?

Koji: [00:37:48] That's the banking robots. Yeah, see.

Dwayne: [00:37:49] I think, I think that's the thing. Yeah. So I like, I like the, I like that theory that we're all robots or all aliens, as it were.

Jonesy: [00:37:55] What I think is going on isn't as fun as what you guys think is going on, Right? So sorry.

Dwayne: [00:38:02] It's okay.

Cat: [00:38:03] Someone's got to keep us grounded. So... 

Jonesy: [00:38:05] First of all, celebrities being the target of these conspiracies. It's like, of course, because these are people that are removed from the public for the most part, people that we don't, you know, it's hard to it's hard to get to them. Yeah. And they're in the limelight all the time. So, of course, you know, no one's walking around going, you know, the guy at the deli is a lizard person.

Koji: [00:38:24] I do that.

Jonesy: [00:38:25] Oh, you do that, yeah. So, yeah, they're a perfect target for that. And then so it just falls into the whole cultural situation that we have now, which it's called the Balkanization of epistemology, where... 

Koji: [00:38:37] Lots of big words. 

Jonesy: [00:38:37] Where there's no consensus reality or theory of it anymore. People are using the craziest explanations for reality. So you get some guys into science. Another person's channeling from the star Sirius, another person's a Scientologist and Mormonism, whatever it is, because of the political correctness now that's also happening at the same time, it's not really polite to tell people that they're morons. So all of these theories and ideas are now kind of on the same footing. They get an equal amount of attention in the media and, you know, you just you'd be at a party and someone would just say the wildest things and no one no one will call them out on it. So these these theories get to live out there. They get to live out there on the same footing as science and everything because no one wants to call bullshit. No one wants to take on the karma of saying, you know, Mormonism is ridiculously stupid, like no one wants wants to do that. So then these things get out there and then people run with it, and then people go on. You know, belief, perseverance just keeps them going.

Dwayne: [00:39:36] Shout out to Utah and all my fans, and dry bar comedy.

Jonesy: [00:39:39] Oh, I know Dwayne, you got a lot of fans in Utah.

Dwayne: [00:39:44] Listen, if you listen, I'm with you guys. If someone found some gold plates in New York, and Jesus had been here before, and only one dude could decipher these gold plates. Sure, why not? It makes as much sense as anything else.

Cat: [00:39:59] That's a tough thing too, because I feel like as we. We decide, okay, we're going to be respectful of people's religions, but then it keeps going and keeps going. And where does it end? There's a guy, I think he's called Medical Medium, who was telling everybody who followed him to basically drink celery juice and that will cure whatever they have, including things like cancer. People have died or gotten severe medical consequences because no one's going no one's calling this guy out enough to say like, hey, that's not science. You are not a doctor. And he claims that this ghost or spirit comes and tells him things that science hasn't discovered yet. Bullshit. And but we don't call people's bullshit out. We just act respectfully or like, Oh, let's be polite.

Dwayne: [00:40:39] Well, because here's the thing.

Koji: [00:40:40] Wait, can you give his website to me later?

Cat: [00:40:42] Magnetic medical medium. Just drink celery juice. Everything will be fixed.

Dwayne: [00:40:45] You'll be fine.

Koji: [00:40:46] Well, I tried to tell women that they shouldn't drink my sperm, and they'll be fine.

Dwayne: [00:40:49] That doesn't work.

Dwayne: [00:40:51] Shout out to Randall Park with doctor miracles. Remember that?

Koji: [00:40:55] That's right. That's right.

Dwayne: [00:40:55] That was a show. Check it out. It was a, it's a short. You can see it online. It's a really funny. I'm in it, too, by the way. So my thing is, though, when we play along, there's so many cases of our trust being abused that it creates a certain trauma that now you're willing to accept anything as truth. You know what I mean? Like the Tuskegee experiment or there's things that have happened that have been like so bad and we've been lied to, even cigarettes, all these things. So at some point people people go, Well, they've lied like the people who you trust have lied or misrepresented the truth at least. So that leaves you open to believe anything. And that's...

Cat: [00:41:37] Well, it is at the surface. But I think part of the problem is people don't have enough. And even I am lacking in certain scientific literacy to be able to actually read, not only to see because there'll be like fake medical bullshit articles that cite other articles. But the thing is, it's that second layer of following up the secondary articles to see, are these bullshit? And sometimes what happens is you'll have someone, let's say, okay, they're, they're hawking some kind of colloidal silver, let's say here's an article about colloidal silver and how good it is. And it'll cite like here are four medical journal published articles about that. And so you go, Oh wow. But those articles are cherry picked. So you might see four that say colloidal silver helps, right? But what a real professional scientist would do is read all of the articles. Let's say, let's say a pretend claim is that colloidal silver cures psoriasis, right? And they have four articles claiming it does. But what a real doctor a scientific person would do is look at all of the articles about psoriasis and there might be 100 or 1000 articles and only four say anything about colloidal silver. Right? And maybe there are 15 that say colloidal silver doesn't do anything, but people don't go that far. They're not going to read a thousand.

Dwayne: [00:42:52] We don't have time to do that. And I think that's where, you know, no one wants to say like, like Google's algorithm should not be something that is not publicized. And we shouldn't have to reverse engineer what their algorithm may or may not be, because at this point, you could call them successful. They've done a great job of making these convenient products, but like, we need to know your algorithm simply because you literally control all information.

Koji: [00:43:19] So I'm a, I read a lot of philosophy books and stuff, and the problem is actually... 

Jonesy: [00:43:24] Philosophy, okay, all right.

Koji: [00:43:26] Because, so the idea is that science itself is a philosophy, but we we accept it as truth. So, for example, think about the scientific--

Dwayne: [00:43:32] Things change.

Koji: [00:43:33] Well, no, just think about the scientific method. If you follow the scientific method, you'll never stop because you have have a hypothesis, you test it and you come up with an answer. Yes, no, which leads to ten more hypotheses. But then you have to, as a, as a scientist or a person studying, you have to choose which one you're going to go next. And but if you're truly open to anything, it'll go on forever. So on some level, you're, as a scientist, you're not truly like just letting it go. You have to make these decisions. And those decisions affect the kind of research. So like, a lot of people think that like science itself is, I'm not anti-science, by the way, but science itself is a philosophy. And as we get further and further along, we like learn more and more, which is true, but it's like itself is not like, like I think too many people think science is like... 

Cat: [00:44:19] 100%. 

Koji: [00:44:19] Like it's always right. It's yeah, it's 100%.

Cat: [00:44:21] It's really, it's probabilities.

Koji: [00:44:22] Exactly. Yeah.

Cat: [00:44:23] I, I studied economics at my master's in that from UC Santa Barbara. And one of the things we talk about is kind of this concept of rejecting or accepting the null hypothesis or rejecting or accepting the alternative hypothesis. Right? And it's like you can never fully accept the alternative hypothesis. You can only not reject it, meaning we'll never know anything for 100%, but we can get damn close. Statistically, we can know something is 99.99999 percent accurate, but it'll never be at 100 because mathematically it just can't be.

Dwayne: [00:44:56] Right. Right. But I think the issue is the combination of the algorithm and us not knowing how exactly information is being fed. The criteria did you pay to get this information fed to me, mixed with the ubiquitousness of the Internet and the 24-hour news cycle, because there's so many articles on on online that are absolute trash.

Koji: [00:45:16] Not, not the Punkee article though.

Dwayne: [00:45:17] No, no, no, no. Not the Punkee article.

Koji: [00:45:19] Yeah. 

Dwayne: [00:45:20] But where someone just needed to write an article about something.

Cat: [00:45:23] That's so true.

Dwayne: [00:45:23] And, and you could tell because they literally copied some other article. Like, you know, I write trivia, trivia questions, and you're trying to source this trivia, and it's like I find six different sources, but they're all copies of the same other article, the first article, and they all have different people's names on it. So it's like the ubiquitousness of it and just almost the capitalistic system makes, makes us just spew things. 

Cat: [00:45:50] I think we need to--

Dwayne: [00:45:51] Because people need more and more.

Jonesy: [00:45:53] Can I interject?

Cat: [00:45:53] Yeah, sure.

Jonesy: [00:45:54] Well, we wouldn't use that wouldn't be our tool, Google. The algorithms that are that are that are controlled by money and PR aren't the ones we want to go for. Now we're in the middle of the information age. This is the information, age is the information phase. We have more information than we can even parse through. I think the next stage is the filtration of the information. Perhaps the AI is something that could make this happen. Something could be built, I imagine a tool, to parse through this information and then kind of give us a more accurate interpretation of it. What can, what's bullshit? What isn't? It could be additional scientific references. It could be, you know, I can't imagine what it could be, but the extra feedback could be brought into these articles, could be brought into the information where we're not having. I know we don't have time to do it ourselves, but maybe some reliable tool could be built to cut through the bullshit.

Cat: [00:46:48] What we used to have our experts. We used to have a doctor that we trusted, who we said, we paid them because they had already read all of the things and were supposed to know the everything and what's more reliable, what's not. But we don't trust those experts anymore.

Jonesy: [00:47:02] Well.

Cat: [00:47:02] I do, but.

Jonesy: [00:47:02] We've gone beyond that. There's no going back. We can't put the toothpaste back in the tube with that because now everyone can have a media company, everybody can have a YouTube channel, everybody can have a platform.

Dwayne: [00:47:12] But it only takes one expert to get paid off to say something that's not as true.

Cat: [00:47:15] And that's how the anti-vax movement started. But four out of five doctors say my toothpaste is the best one, right? So at this point in the show, it's time for us to pick the unofficial official story, one that will once and for all answer this question. So what're you guys thinking? Which celebrities are really aliens?

Koji: [00:47:32] Or which theory do we like the best.

Dwayne: [00:47:34] Which theory do we like the best? Well, I kind of, I like mine, but I like Koji's only because if we're all robots, I think that was your theory, right? That's the only real explanation for why we're marching toward this reliance and this marriage with AI. You know, like either we're a simulation creating another simulation or we're robots and we're creating our own robots just because that's what, that's what robots would do after a period of time. Otherwise, it makes no sense to, like you said, like, AI might parse the data and that's great that AI could do that. But then it's like, Yeah, but now we're relying on AI to do it, you know what I mean? So I like, I like the theory that, you know. 

Koji: [00:48:12] We're all different kinds of robots. 

Dwayne: [00:48:13] We're different kinds of robots and we think of aliens because we just have a limited sort of capacity for right now. Yeah.

Koji: [00:48:19] Cat, what do you think?

Cat: [00:48:20] I like Jones's theory that people are morons and, and the celebrities are not aliens.

Jonesy: [00:48:27] That's no fun, though. I like mine, too, but it's just not fun.

Dwayne: [00:48:31] You always pick those. 

Cat: [00:48:32] People are dumb. I know. I'm always pretty grounded.

Jonesy: [00:48:35] I like mine too. I mean, I like, you know, that we're just allowing squirrelly ideas to proliferate in the culture. This is why QAnon can have a following. I just covered a story on my podcast yesterday about, have you ever heard of The Moms of Liberty?

Cat: [00:48:49] Oh. Oh, my God. I saw those on TikTok.

Jonesy: [00:48:51] Well, they published a quote from Hitler in their latest newsletter.

Dwayne: [00:48:55] So are you saying they, they gave birth to Liberty?

Jonesy: [00:48:58] Yeah.

Dwayne: [00:48:58] Or are they protecting liberty, because...

Jonesy: [00:49:01] They're hiding their fascism behind liberty, is what's really going on. 

Cat: [00:49:05] I saw them on TikTok, and it's a video of one of these moms of Liberty. And she's yelling at a guy and going, These schools are teaching my child empathy. And that's how they're getting them Communism. It's empathy. I don't want empathy taught in schools. I'm like, woman, are you even Christian at this point? I think you're not Christian. I think you are a fascist.

Jonesy: [00:49:23] Well, and then this is going to, this is going to make your head spin. Do you know how many chapters there are of the Moms of Liberty in this country?

ChatGPT: [00:49:29] Uh oh. Oh, no, it's a lot, huh?

Jonesy: [00:49:31] 285 over 44 states.

Dwayne: [00:49:34] Oh, God.

Koji: [00:49:34] How many, how many proud boys are there? Do you think there's more?

Jonesy: [00:49:38] There's got to be a ton.

Koji: [00:49:39] Probably more than 285, though.

Jonesy: [00:49:40] I partied with them out in Banning.

Koji: [00:49:44] I'm voting for machines.

Dwayne: [00:49:46] Machines? Yeah, Robots.

Koji: [00:49:47] Robots.

Jonesy: [00:49:48] You're voting for yourself.

Dwayne: [00:49:48] We're in a...

Dwayne: [00:49:49] We're in a dead heat.

Koji: [00:49:51] It's 2 to 2.

Dwayne: [00:49:51] Oh, God. This has never happened. What do we do? Rochambeau. Yeah, let's do it.

Koji: [00:49:56] Dwayne versus Jonesy. Let's go.

Dwayne: [00:49:58] Rock, paper, scissors.

Jonesy: [00:49:59] Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want to do best out of three?

Koji: [00:50:00] Is that the French way of saying it, that's what it is, right? All right, this is exciting.

Dwayne: [00:50:03] So, wait. So what are we doing? Rock, paper, scissors. Is it two out of three? Yeah. Okay. Rock, paper, scissors. Two out of three. L

Jonesy: [00:50:09] et me. Let me move the mic over because I want you to hear my.

Dwayne: [00:50:11] Okay. Say, is it One, two, three, go!

Jonesy: [00:50:14] One, two, three, go.

Dwayne: [00:50:15] Okay, okay. We're doing rock, paper, scissors, everyone.

Koji: [00:50:18] This is exciting podcasting right here.

Jonesy: [00:50:20] One, two, three.

Koji: [00:50:22] Oh, Dwayne won the first one.

Dwayne: [00:50:23] Paper covers rock. Okay, so I'm up one. Let's do it. Ready? Ready? Yes.

Jonesy: [00:50:29] One, two. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Koji: [00:50:32] Dwayne cheated.

Koji: [00:50:33] One, two, three go.

Jonesy: [00:50:33] I went early.

Dwayne: [00:50:34] Yeah. Yeah. Okay. You ready?

Jonesy: [00:50:35] Ready. One, two, three, go.

Koji: [00:50:38] Oh, we're machines.

Dwayne: [00:50:40] We're machines. Because I did rock and Jonesy did scissors. And that was.

Jonesy: [00:50:44] That was my downfall.

Dwayne: [00:50:45] I'm sorry. I should have told you. I'm extremely good at this game.

Jonesy: [00:50:49] Yeah, there was no disclaimer there. I know you're a pro. This guy did.

Dwayne: [00:50:57] I don't know why. I'm a little psychic, that's why.

Cat: [00:51:00] So you guys, that's the official story. We are robots. We'll take another break, and when we return, we'll...

Koji: [00:51:06] We'll do something.

Cat: [00:51:07] Do something.

Dwayne: [00:51:12] So if the Internet is right, aliens are among us all the time. But they don't have to be just celebrities. In fact, they could be here with us right now, even as we speak, Out of the four of us, who do we think is secretly an alien in disguise?

Koji: [00:51:26] Jonesy?

Jonesy: [00:51:26] Because I'm hiding it with rationalism.

Cat: [00:51:29] Because you can't eat peanuts.

Dwayne: [00:51:30] That's a good idea, because he's... 

Jonesy: [00:51:33] Like, if I was an alien, this is exactly what I would say.

Koji: [00:51:35] Yes. 

Jonesy: [00:51:36] To just throw a smokescreen over all of it.

Koji: [00:51:38] Yeah.

Dwayne: [00:51:38] You know what is crazy? I was going to say Koji because of, Koji has an amazing bandwidth and he's just an incredible, incredibly productive person. But you saying that Jonesy kind of makes me think of Jonesy, too. Yeah. Yeah.

Koji: [00:51:55] Cat, what do you think?

Cat: [00:51:56] You know what?

Dwayne: [00:51:57] And I've known Jonesy forever. I've known you both forever. I'm sorry, go ahead.

Cat: [00:51:59] Since I'm a human and humans are dumb and kind of go with whatever everyone else is saying, I'm going to go ahead and say Jonesy as well. Cause I'm just a dumb idiot human.

Koji: [00:52:08] So which planet are you from, Jonesy? Or which time, place or whatever?

Jonesy: [00:52:14] Oh, yeah. All right, all right. I might as well fess up. Yeah. I'm from another dimension.

Koji: [00:52:18] Boston?

Jonesy: [00:52:19] And it's called Boston. Right? Right.

Koji: [00:52:22] Boston does feel like something, like, totally different sometimes.

Jonesy: [00:52:25] We came in, I came in a craft called the Green Monster. Yeah, the Green Monster. Yeah, that's right.

Dwayne: [00:52:35] And Jonesy's a pretty good singer, which is something aliens would do because they would study us and know this is the pitch that they like. This is the frequency, you know what I mean? So... 

Jonesy: [00:52:46] Yeah. You know, that's, that's how I do it. I thought I'd come here and just let me have a career in stand-up comedy. I like working for drink tickets. It seems like a... It seems like a fun, earthly experience.

Dwayne: [00:52:57] Now, Jonesy could be an alien who doesn't know he's an alien.

Koji: [00:52:59] That's true.

[00:53:00] Thanks. Appreciate it.

Koji: [00:53:02] Is that worse or better?

Dwayne: [00:53:03] Better?

Koji: [00:53:04] Better to be an alien that doesn't know he's an alien.

Cat: [00:53:07] An alien like his mom's an alien. And his dad.

Dwayne: [00:53:09] It's like Moses didn't know he was Jewish, right? He thought he was down with the Pharaoh in him.

Dwayne: [00:53:13] Yeah, he was down.

Cat: [00:53:17] I want to know who of us three, who do you think is an alien? If you had to pick. 

Jonesy: [00:53:21] It's Koji. 

Koji: [00:53:21] What?

Cat: [00:53:22] Okay.

Jonesy: [00:53:22] Yeah, totally. Koji.

Dwayne: [00:53:23] Yeah, that was going to be my first choice too.

Koji: [00:53:24] Why? 

Jonesy: [00:53:26] Why? Because you don't sleep, right? 

Koji: [00:53:26] I don't sleep.

Jonesy: [00:53:29] This guy don't sleep.

Koji: [00:53:30] I'm always working.

Jonesy: [00:53:31] Guys, this guy. Where do you work? Sleep two hours a night. Only an alien can get through... There's a bazillion projects at once. I mean, you're just like. You're. At least you have. You have the work ethic of an alien, for sure.

Koji: [00:53:44] Asians are aliens. So there you go.

Cat: [00:53:46] A girl in college. She was Asian and she only got 2 to 3 hours of sleep, and--

Jonesy: [00:53:50] What is going on there?

Cat: [00:53:52] She went to Harvard, and...

Jonesy: [00:53:52] What? 

Cat: [00:53:53] Very successful.

Dwayne: [00:53:54] Well, you know what's crazy about that is that like when I go to like, late night places, I mean...

Cat: [00:53:59] Is it mostly Asians?

Dwayne: [00:54:00] Yeah.

Cat: [00:54:00] Are you in Koreatown? I think that's just Koreatown.

Dwayne: [00:54:02] They're Asian places. But yeah, you go. And then I'm always like, I don't, I don't talk to them, but I always want to talk to them because I'm trying to figure out, are you guys not getting sleep? Is this shifts? Is this your shift? You know what I mean? But like, yeah, any, any hour you can find something Asian open with a lot of people there. And so it's interesting.

Jonesy: [00:54:23] Well, if we went there with our holographic glasses, maybe we could get to the bottom of this. We get some beef noodles, you and me, with our holographic glasses. Let's do it.

Cat: [00:54:35] Well, thank you, Jonesy, for coming on with us. Please tell us where we can follow you and listen to your podcast.

Jonesy: [00:54:40] You can follow me on Instagram at Funny Jones and then you can listen to the Weird AF News podcast on any of your podcast players. It's pretty easy.

Cat: [00:54:48] Do it, guys. And thank you all so much for listening. There are almost 3 million podcasts and we're honored you've chosen to listen to ours. Please check out our website, the unofficial official story.com for show notes or to hear our past episodes. Be sure to tune in next month where we'll investigate whether Saved by the Bell was a vehicle for the Illuminati.

Koji: [00:55:09] I got to be honest, I never watched this show.

Dwayne: [00:55:10] Whoa.

Jonesy: [00:55:11] You guys are going off the rails with this Illuminati.

Dwayne: [00:55:13] I've seen a little bit of it. Yeah. 

Cat: [00:55:15] I liked Zack.

Koji: [00:55:16] You liked Zack? Was he hot?

Jonesy: [00:55:17] Everybody likes Zach.

Cat: [00:55:18] I thought he was hot.

Koji: [00:55:18] I liked one of the Tiffany, what's her name?

Jonesy: [00:55:21] Tiffani Amber Thiessen.

Dwayne: [00:55:23] Yeah, she was cute.

Cat: [00:55:23] Yeah, she was pretty.

Dwayne: [00:55:24] Yeah.

Jonesy: [00:55:25] Did I get her name right?

Dwayne: [00:55:26] I like Mr. Belding.

Jonesy: [00:55:28] Yeah. Yeah, you would.

Koji: [00:55:29] You would.

Jonesy: [00:55:34] All right.

Koji: [00:55:36] Thank you, guys. Thank you, guys. Bye.