S3E6 Keanu Reeves, Vampires, & Zombies Navigating the World of Immortality with Writer Comedian TK Kelly

Cat Alvarado: [00:00:04] Welcome, welcome, welcome. This is season three, Episode six of the now award winning unofficial official story. I'm Cat and I am not camera-ready, you guys. We are recording in the morning and I am in sweats.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:00:17] I'm Dwayne and I'm camera-ready just because that's how it is with me. I wake up camera ready.

Cat Alvarado: [00:00:23] Okay.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:00:23] Which is really not camera-ready.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:00:25] And I'm Koji and I'm wearing my best underwear, so I think I'm camera-ready for my only fans.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:00:30] What do you think is about to happen?

Cat Alvarado: [00:00:34] This is where we tell you the official story. We look at paranormal conspiracies, unexplained phenomena, cryptids and true crime. And by the end we'll tell you what really maybe happened. In this episode, we'll be celebrating Keanu Reeves birthday by answering a question that often gets asked about him. Which celebrities are immortal? But first, let's introduce our guest, comic and writer TK Kelley. Tk is a writer and comic who has written for Tosh.0, co-hosted Movie Night, a weekly podcast on Bill Burr and Al Madrigal's All Things Comedy Network, and perform stand-up at clubs all across the country. He's also the creator, voice actor and animator of the new online shorts, Pete and Possum.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:01:16] Yay!

Dwayne Perkins: [00:01:17] Yay!

Cat Alvarado: [00:01:17] Hey, what's up?

TK Kelly: [00:01:18] How's everything, guys? Thanks for having.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:01:19] Oh, good. How are you? And what's going on? I mean, we're talking earlier about Pete and Possum. How's that going? And. 

TK Kelly: [00:01:24] It's going good. It's taking up a lot of my time, but it's something different for me. I've always just been doing like, up and podcasting and and always kind of writing my own scripts, trying to sell those. But this is the first time I'm making something. I'm animating it. I drew it, I voice it, I edit it, super fun. It's starting to pick up steam. It's getting positive feedback and it's kind of a vehicle for for a lot of standup type material that had gotten like left behind.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:01:50] What's it about?

TK Kelly: [00:01:51] Basically just two characters. It's like a super refillable joke machine, essentially, is how I describe it. It's a man and a possum sitting around a campfire shooting the shit, and they talk about anything and everything. The episodes are about a minute long. Some of them are super, super short. Like 20 seconds to 30 seconds. And I put them out four days a week on Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. And yeah, it's about everything. They cover everything.

Cat Alvarado: [00:02:16] Do you draw it? You're the person who.

TK Kelly: [00:02:19] Yeah.

Cat Alvarado: [00:02:19] Oh, that's awesome.

TK Kelly: [00:02:20] Yeah, I just I mean, I had always I had always been into the art side of, of what I was looking to do long term was animation really. But as a writer and creator didn't want to necessarily do the grunt work and animate it myself. But new technology has made it easier to do that now.

Cat Alvarado: [00:02:35] I heard You can also outsource it to Korea.

TK Kelly: [00:02:37] You can. I mean that's that's a little bit more like weighty than I've I've never gotten that far in anything. You know like this was the first thing where I was like, well here's an idea that I could do myself. I know I could at the very least draw the initial part. And then technology kind of caught up to where I was able to take a week or two. Learn Adobe Character Animator is what I use, and it's super simple and intuitive and it's great.

Cat Alvarado: [00:03:01] That's awesome.

TK Kelly: [00:03:02] Yeah, it's a fun thing to do and it's a nice change of pace. After doing the same stuff for ten straight years,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:03:07] How many Did you have sort of written before you? You started doing them and releasing. 

TK Kelly: [00:03:12] Before I Started putting them out, I think I had like 20 something episodes like Set and done. Lately I've been doing them more on the fly where I'll do them like a few days before they get released because that lets me do the one that I think is the funniest right now or the one that's the most timely.

Cat Alvarado: [00:03:28] Like South Park.

TK Kelly: [00:03:28] Yeah, exactly. And it's similar in that way in that like, you know, you're not tuning in for the visuals. It's a very lo-fi look. The character's mouths move exactly like South Park, like very similar to that. So it's, it's really much more about like the jokes and, you know, the, the visuals are secondary and it makes it much easier to just repeat it.

Cat Alvarado: [00:03:50] And honestly, some Of my favorite comics to read are are super simple. There's the one that's like breakfast, whatever, that obviously it's my favorite because I know the name. But no. It's like letters. It's a bunch of letters. It's like abbreviated, but that one's really good. They have a lot of tech jokes. And the other one is Nathan Pyle, the alien one. And those are also like just really simple. So you don't need to have anything crazy.

TK Kelly: [00:04:14] Exactly. And I started to realize that as I started to see more things in that same vein, showing up on social media because it's a great vehicle for that type of material.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:04:24] What kind of stuff do you cover?

TK Kelly: [00:04:25] Sports, TV, movies, a lot of family stuff. It's a lot of I mean, if you've ever seen my standup, it's it's a lot of that. It's in the same vein. A lot of it's even tweaked standup jokes that already existed. But really, it's just I like to think of it as like if you were sitting in your backyard with your best friend, what's the kind of stuff you'd be talking about, the dumb jokes you'd be making around the fire?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:04:49] Where does it Live?

TK Kelly: [00:04:50] It's on Instagram, TikTok and YouTube right now. And, you know, slowly ramping up momentum. It's been out for a few months, but started with zero followers, obviously. And I haven't done like too much in the way of promotion. It's I've been kind of of the mindset like just make it make as many of them as you can and make them as good as you can. And it'll, it'll snowball.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:05:11] When I love about it is that it's all about consistency. It's high quality but reproducible quality.

TK Kelly: [00:05:17] Yeah I can make a new episode in about an hour. Yeah, it varies depending on how I'm feeling that day, how the recording goes. Mostly for the most part. It's an hour or less, and if I'm going out of town or something, I can stockpile a bunch of episodes, I can schedule them. It takes up a lot of time, but it's also now reaching a point where I understand, I think, how to do it and do it efficiently. So. 

Dwayne Perkins: [00:05:39] So you don't you don't need to outsource it necessarily. Yeah, I just picture you outsourcing it to like India using like one of those websites where you just find a guy. 

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:05:48] Fiverr

Dwayne Perkins: [00:05:48] Yeah. And then that guy copies it and then like, Pratheesh and Possum blows up.

TK Kelly: [00:05:55] Son of a bitch. Yeah. I mean, you know, as far as like that side of the work, most of it was up top. It was learning the program and building the scene that has now become. That's the stencil that everything just gets plugged into,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:06:08] Right

TK Kelly: [00:06:08] So and then there's a few different like I have super shorts that are different formats, but they're all kind of, if this makes sense, they're all pulled from the original main format that I made. So it's all very easy to plug in pieces, take out pieces as I need to.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:06:25] Let's manifest. Are we manifesting a TV show, a movie or.

TK Kelly: [00:06:29] Well, I'll tell you what, if it becomes a TV show, the animation is getting outsourced,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:06:33] Right

TK Kelly: [00:06:34] You know, that's the thing. I've reached my limit like it's fun to do. But you know, the animation part, it's tedious and it can be. It's not what I'm looking to do long term.

Cat Alvarado: [00:06:43] I mentioned the outsourcing because I went on a date one time with the head animator at Bob's Burger. That's the name of the show, right? Yeah. And he showed me like a future episode and stuff. I hope I don't get the guy fired, but he showed me the inner workings and. And that's what they do. They outsource to Korea.

TK Kelly: [00:07:00] Oh, of course. Yeah.

Cat Alvarado: [00:07:01] Also, I don't want people to think I said Korea because I'm racist.

TK Kelly: [00:07:03] No, because they're awesome at animation.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:07:07] So you hate Asians? Is that what I'm hearing?

Cat Alvarado: [00:07:10] Aliens. Clearly.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:07:12] That must have been pre-Trump, because I think Trump came in and he bought all the animation jobs back. So. 

TK Kelly: [00:07:17] He did. He made animation great again. Guys he did it.

Cat Alvarado: [00:07:23] That's MAA If you're not following.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:07:25] Right.

TK Kelly: [00:07:25] Not as good of an acronym. The hats are confusing.

Cat Alvarado: [00:07:32] Let's get the story straight once and for all.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:07:35] All right. Yeah, let's do it.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:07:36] Let's do it. Which celebrities, if any, are immortal? Let's first take a look at the most prominent suspect on today's list, Keanu Reeves. Over the last three decades, Keanu hasn't seen.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:07:47] How do you say his name?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:07:48] Keanu.

Cat Alvarado: [00:07:48] Keanu.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:07:49] Keanu.

TK Kelly: [00:07:49] Keanu.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:07:51] Keanu. 

TK Kelly: [00:07:52] Dwayne does things his own way.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:07:53] This is like the Brooklyn.

TK Kelly: [00:07:56] I'm from New York.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:07:57] How do you say it?

TK Kelly: [00:07:58] Keanu.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:07:59] Keanu.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:08:00] What am I saying?

TK Kelly: [00:08:00] Keanu.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:08:01] Okay, okay. It's like this feels like a butter pecan butter pecan situation. Yeah. Yeah. So. So, so.

TK Kelly: [00:08:09] If it's pie. It's pecan, right? But if it's butter pecan.

Cat Alvarado: [00:08:13] Okay, I pulled it up. Let's hear it. Let's hear it.

Computer Voice: [00:08:15] Keanu.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:08:16] Keanu. Okay. Sorry.

TK Kelly: [00:08:18] The phone said it a little.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:08:20] Yeah, yeah.

TK Kelly: [00:08:21] Judgmentally towards you.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:08:22] It did. It did.

TK Kelly: [00:08:23] Keanu, Dwayne.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:08:24] All right. So I might go back and forth. I'll try to say it right. Let's take a look at the most prominent suspect on today's list, Keanu Reeves. Over the last three decades, Keanu has seen hasn't seemed to age at all. And netizens have latched on to the idea that maybe he never will. Here's how this article from Yahoo! News breaks down the conspiracy. According to futurist and philosopher Dr. Richard Hames Hams Um Ken Keanu has been seen across multiple centuries, going back as far as 700 AD, he says the first sighting of Reeves is as Charles the Great, the founder of the Holy Roman Empire. Really, Charles is said to have passed away of natural causes just months before he established his son as his successor. Leading conspiracy theorists who speculate that the whole thing was staged to give Charles, by which they mean Keanu Reeves an opportunity to depart and establish a new identity elsewhere. Another sighting of Reeves is as early as 20th century actor Paul Monet. Dr. Hames points to the mystery surrounding Monet's death, saying his body, I don't think, was ever found, although there was some conjecture that he died of a heart condition.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:09:41] How do you become a futurist?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:09:43] I don't even know what that means.

TK Kelly: [00:09:44] You just declare yourself a futurist.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:09:46] Yeah. Yeah.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:09:47] Can you be a past or a present?

Cat Alvarado: [00:09:48] You mean a historian? I think that's.

TK Kelly: [00:09:52] Yeah, those you can't just name yourself.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:09:55] I want to be a pacifist? That sounds better.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:09:56] We can't say if you're a futurist now, like we have to wait like 50 years in the future. Were you right?

TK Kelly: [00:10:01] We'll only know then and then. Were you the real deal?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:10:04] Yeah, I think Churchill, someone like that predicted the phone. They were like, I'm sorry I didn't get back to you. I didn't have.

Cat Alvarado: [00:10:10] Like, Star Trek also predicted a lot of shit,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:10:12] Right? So they're futurists, but you have to wait till the future. So this guy is calling his shot a little early.

TK Kelly: [00:10:17] You're a guesser. You're guessing what might happen. This guy doesn't even know if this art is body was found like in this quote. He says, I don't think I'll be honest. I didn't really do my research.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:10:29] I'm not a pacifist, though. I'm a futurist. So this.

TK Kelly: [00:10:31] Listen I live in the Future. Whether his body was found or not isn't my business.

Cat Alvarado: [00:10:34] I looked up, the guys okay. And in my opinion, Charles the great founder of the Holy Roman Empire, There are so many paintings of him I can't get like a good. It's just a white guy with, like, a straight look pointy nose. Okay,

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:10:47] That sounds like something Keanu would do.

Cat Alvarado: [00:10:49] More convincing is Paul Monet, but still, it's not quite Keanu. I think Keanu's face features are a little bit more refined. It sort of looks like him. Similar in the eye shape.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:10:59] Right? Right.

Cat Alvarado: [00:10:59] But I am not convinced.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:11:01] I've found other celebrities who they're supposedly look alike was dead on way more.

Cat Alvarado: [00:11:07] Nic Cage,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:11:08] Nic Cage. But this other guy, this guy, Paul Monet, the actor on a YouTube page I was listening to, they said he was also known for his deadpan delivery because my thing was like, okay, you're telling me this guy is immortal and this is his acting. And I like I like I like Keanu. He's he can he can fight. He's great. You know what I mean? No one's called him a great actor, right? I mean, he is a great actor.

TK Kelly: [00:11:31] Probably not winning any Oscars. He's doing his thing extremely well.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:11:35] He's doing his thing extremely well. Like, he's really dope. That's why his movie franchises are amazing. But you would just think if you had lived forever, you could. Like if you told me Meryl Streep was immortal. I'm like, Well, yeah, she really. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:11:48] Got the Experience to show,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:11:50] Right?

Cat Alvarado: [00:11:50] Yeah.

TK Kelly: [00:11:50] Yeah. Back in the early 20th century, Meryl Streep was just dog shit. Like, terrible actress. But she's figured it out. Keanu I think what if what if it's like an intentionally, like, detached approach,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:12:04] Right? Maybe. And that's the thing. Maybe he learned throughout the years that good acting is wasted on the people.

TK Kelly: [00:12:08] If I and if I become this this thespian, what does that demand? Too much attention,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:12:14] Right

TK Kelly: [00:12:14] Where if I'm just everybody loves Keanu Reeves, you know.

Cat Alvarado: [00:12:18] Fly under the radar.

TK Kelly: [00:12:19] Yeah. You coast.

Cat Alvarado: [00:12:20] I Love it. Well, I will say also this. So the pictures of Paul Monet, like we see him older, although they're largely paintings, but they're older. Keanu has aged. 

Dwayne Perkins: [00:12:29] He has aged. Right.

Cat Alvarado: [00:12:30] You can look up pictures of him young where he's like 17 or 19 and he looks young. You don't just like age to be 40 and then go back to 17 and then move forward.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:12:40] We're not talking Like he's a picture Of Dorian Gray type thing.

TK Kelly: [00:12:43] Well, that's where we got to start to question the ins and outs of immortality. How does it work? How does it work? Do you age and then like shed like a snake and then like A young guy pops out? Like, I like to think that's a that's on the table. But also Keanu is like, he has aged, but he's aged pretty well, you know, and maybe the beard and the the longer hair and the haggard look is just to hide how truly young he looks under. 

Dwayne Perkins: [00:13:08] It's All makeup. Does he have.

TK Kelly: [00:13:09] He's got access to the best Makeup artists in the world.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:13:12] Yes.

Cat Alvarado: [00:13:13] Oh, oh. A special effects makeup that is interesting. 

TK Kelly: [00:13:16] Slightly Age him up little, little crow's feet here. And he's like, I'm good. That's fine.

Cat Alvarado: [00:13:20] This will this will be convincing that I'm not a reptilian.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:13:24] Or a Vampire.

Cat Alvarado: [00:13:24] Vampire. Yeah.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:13:26] Over the years, a few of Keanu's responses and interviews have led people to even further speculation. Here are some of the most suspicious ones. So these are quotes. During an appearance on the Jimmy Fallon show in 2017, Reeves was asked about his resemblance to these two historical figures. When Fallon explained that conspiracy theorists are suggesting Reeves has been seen in different guises through the ages. The actor cryptically said, We are all stardust, baby.

TK Kelly: [00:13:49] I love that. Although it might just be the response of a man Who's baked, right? Who's high on Jimmy Fallon.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:13:56] It sounds it sounds a lot like, too. Like. Like what someone would say if he was a guy who was caught cheating, you know, like, are you my friend said they saw you with such and such. Hey, baby. We're all stardust.

TK Kelly: [00:14:10] None of this is real. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:14:14] Oh, my God.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:14:15] You have the best lines for people cheating stuff.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:14:18] Who, me?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:14:19] Yeah,

TK Kelly: [00:14:19] You're Weird.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:14:22] Like multiple episodes. You've had, like, lines for people. I mean,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:14:25] This is not my line. This is his Line.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:14:27] But you've. You've done a good job of calling.

TK Kelly: [00:14:29] It's going to be now. It's like I Might use it down the road. 

Dwayne Perkins: [00:14:33] What does that Mean? You know what it means.

TK Kelly: [00:14:35] What doesn't it Mean? You know?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:14:37] All right. The interview came after another comment Reeves made in 2014 when questioned about giving away millions to people who worked behind the scenes in the Matrix trilogy, his response was, Money is the last thing I think about I could live on. What? Have already made for the next few centuries. And if conspiracy theorists are to be believed, that is exactly what the actor plans to do.

Cat Alvarado: [00:14:57] Okay, but the conjectures don't stop there. According to Yahoo News, there is another variation of the theory. Keanu is an immortal vampire. Interestingly, Reeves stars as one of the protagonists in the 1992 film Bram Stoker's Dracula. Could Reeves choice to star in that movie along with others that center around time travel and immortality, like Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, The Matrix and Replicas hold a secret message.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:15:24] Yes.

TK Kelly: [00:15:26] Could Keanu's decision to star in all of those movies? I think Probably. What made the choice was they asked him To do it And he was like, Yeah, I'm not busy. I like millions of dollars.

Cat Alvarado: [00:15:37] And Daniel Radcliffe is a real wizard, guys.

TK Kelly: [00:15:40] Yes, I'm going to star in this movie to let the people know secretly.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:15:44] The secret is pay him a lot and he'll be in your movie.

TK Kelly: [00:15:47] I like though, too. Like, how many? Let's. Let's go through Keanu's filmography. How many are there in total? You've got like five movies here that they're like, that's vaguely related to immortality. Could be a sign.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:16:00] But but I do think the John Wick ones, they don't have that in common, but he fights really well. And I'm like, okay, if you live for centuries, you would get that down.

TK Kelly: [00:16:08] Yes, he's. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:16:09] Fighting. 

TK Kelly: [00:16:10] He's essentially immortal in those movies, Right? This dude is not being Killed. 

Dwayne Perkins: [00:16:14] He's hard to be killed in those movies. You're right.

TK Kelly: [00:16:15] They're the most Keanu movies. It's like it's like the most. Perfect marriage

Dwayne Perkins: [00:16:18] Thirty Guys come to kill him and, like, he doesn't even have a gun. And he just.

TK Kelly: [00:16:22] He figures it out.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:16:23] He figures it out? Yeah, he figures it out.

TK Kelly: [00:16:24] Centuries of experience behind him.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:16:26] But I would say he's not a vampire only because I've seen him personally in the daytime.

Cat Alvarado: [00:16:31] That's true. If he's on sunlight, he can't be a vampire.

Cat Alvarado: [00:16:33] Just like you said. That's not even a real rule in vampires. Laugh at It.

TK Kelly: [00:16:35] Yeah. What if that's. An urban myth? Yeah.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:16:37] He might be a sparkling vampire. Like, from, you know.

TK Kelly: [00:16:40] Oh, yeah? Yeah. Has he. Has we noticed any glistening. He's. Or what if like, you know he you know that meme of sad Keanu on the bench maybe the sun just makes vampires lethargic and kind of bummed out. Yeah he's he's out there. Maybe he's not his full self during the day. 

TK Kelly: [00:16:57] Maybe. Maybe.

TK Kelly: [00:16:58] But he has to get out there to, you know, make sure people don't suspect too much.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:17:01] But yeah, so I'm at a Starbucks. I feel like I saw him more than once,

Cat Alvarado: [00:17:04] But he Has been in a lot of movies. I was poking around IMDb just now. There's 31 titles on this one list, but on another page it said like 427, which I don't doubt. Maybe that counts all the times he was an extra when he was young. I'm assuming.

TK Kelly: [00:17:21] That goes back to the earliest 20th century. Movies.

Cat Alvarado: [00:17:24] If it's 427 then? Sure. Um. But yeah, so many things like that are not alien related. Oh, sweet November. I think that's a romance. That's not Something's got to Give with Jack and Diane. What else is here? The lake house that's. 

TK Kelly: [00:17:39] Prolific. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:17:39] that's not Future and back. Like, there are so many things in here.

TK Kelly: [00:17:43] Although the lake House is time travel, isn't it?

Cat Alvarado: [00:17:45] Is it Think. Oh, you know what it is. 

TK Kelly: [00:17:47] Like Vague, vague time travel. 

Dwayne Perkins: [00:17:48] Always Be my maybe too he was.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:17:50] That's right. That's right. He was. Oh yeah. But that was a comedy.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:17:53] Yeah, he played himself. Now, Keanu isn't the only celebrity who's been accused of dropping hints about his immortality on screen. Actor Nicolas Cage has also been a hot topic, thanks to his roles in various films. According to Insider, he played a man convinced he was a vampire in the 1988 cult movie Vampire's Kiss, and he played A 3000 year old wizard named Balthasar in The Magician's Apprentice from 2010.

TK Kelly: [00:18:17] He also just played Dracula.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:18:19] Yeah, he did. 

TK Kelly: [00:18:20] In Renfield. That's true.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:18:21] He was Dracula, all right. In fact, Nick was even listed on eBay as a vampire, along with a photo of a Confederate soldier who looked suspiciously similar to him. In 2011, a Seattle-based man tried to sell a photo of Lieutenant Robert M. Smith, a Confederate prisoner of war. A photographer who looks exactly like Nicolas Cage is titled The eBay listing was Nicolas Cage is a Vampire. And guess on the listing said, Personally, I believe it's him and that he has some sort of walking undead vampire. Et cetera who quickens reinvents himself once every 75 years or so, the listing said, according to the Hollywood Reporter, 150 years from now, he might be a politician. So wait, We're getting our facts from eBay postings.

Cat Alvarado: [00:18:58] About to. I get all my facts from there. That and Etsy. I love haunted dolls on Etsy. Those are great. Those can't possibly be fake.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:19:06] Everything wants to be social media like. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:19:09] Venmo.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:19:10] Venmo like, yeah, like Venmo. I'm like, why does everyone need to pay 30 bucks for a pizza? You know what I mean?

TK Kelly: [00:19:17] You'll want to look back one day and remember those payments you made. You know.

Cat Alvarado: [00:19:20] People need to know I bought a Korean Spice rub for my meats at church The other day.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:19:25] It's like whoever likes that you paid someone else like that should just put them on a list, like FBI. Like they should just come and get them. You know what I mean?

Cat Alvarado: [00:19:33] Okay. Can I have a confession to make? One time I really liked this guy who was a comedian, and I couldn't tell if he was dating this girl who was commenting a lot on his page. I need to figure out if he had a girlfriend. So I went on his Venmo and I looked at the transaction history and I saw that she sent him phone payments and. I was like, Oh. That's serious. 

Dwayne Perkins: [00:19:51] The Phone.

Cat Alvarado: [00:19:54] And that's how I knew.

TK Kelly: [00:19:55] That's what Venmo is really for. I Like,

Cat Alvarado: [00:19:56] He had a girlfriend and therefore was my type and I went forward with it.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:20:01] Nice. Nice.

TK Kelly: [00:20:02] It assured me he was the guy for me.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:20:05] But here's the thing. Like, I'm not mad at you for checking, you know what I mean? I'm mad at his girlfriend for making it public.

TK Kelly: [00:20:12] You're making those public payments. 

Dwayne Perkins: [00:20:13] Because it's like.

Cat Alvarado: [00:20:14] There you defending cheaters again? What?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:20:16] No, no. No, no. What I'm saying is that she had other avenues to show that they were together, like his social media page and stuff like that. There has to be a limit to how much you share, you know? What if he bought lube?

TK Kelly: [00:20:29] I'm assuming. That's. That's a They don't go Dutch on the lube. Right. He just whoever purchased that covers it, right. We're not splitting the lube cost And putting it on silicone based situation.

Cat Alvarado: [00:20:41] Can you imagine?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:20:42] Maybe it was. It was silicone based. It was a little bit much. Whatever was like, you know what? I'll hit you back.

Cat Alvarado: [00:20:46] Can you imagine, like going to hook up with somebody and then you buy the stuff, you buy the lube, the whatever, the protection, and then they Venmo you, they Venmo request you for any time.

TK Kelly: [00:20:57] You know, no rush. But 20 bucks,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:20:59] That's. Got to be like instead of saying, I'll call you back, I'll call you and never call.

Cat Alvarado: [00:21:03] Venmo request.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:21:04] Venmo request, because that that accomplishes the same thing. 

TK Kelly: [00:21:07] Draws a Line in the sand. This is probably over. I'm gonna want my money back for that lube. You're out of my life.

Cat Alvarado: [00:21:17] And now we bring a third person into the conspiracy. John Travolta. Oh, of course. Insider says that a similar listing went up for 150-year-old photo of a man who looked a lot like John Travolta. Similar looking eyes, hairline facial structure, and a penchant for disco. No. And I know you're saying John Travolta is alive today in 2011 and he doesn't look like he's 151 years old, The seller wrote in the listing. But John Travolta is a Scientologist and many Scientologists believe in a type of reincarnation. Of course, time travel can't be ruled out as well. As the AV Club noted, both Cage and Travolta starred in the 1997 movie Face Off, where they played characters who tried to kill each other and swapped faces. Perhaps they may have been a metaphor for their frustrations with immortality and the sameness of existence when you've lived a long life.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:22:13] Wow.

TK Kelly: [00:22:15] Reaching. Reaching. Reaching.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:22:18] We should all be limber after this. Because we're.

Cat Alvarado: [00:22:20] My God.

TK Kelly: [00:22:21] Perhaps it was because it was like the biggest filmmaker at the time, right? Wasn't that a John Woo movie? Like nobody's turning him down back then? Travolta and Cage.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:22:30] I really enjoyed that movie. By the way,

TK Kelly: [00:22:31] Great movie. Underrated movie, Fully ridiculous, but it knows what it is.

Cat Alvarado: [00:22:35] I was just listening to the Kanye West Joe Rogan interview the other day, and I feel like these immortality articles are written by Kanye West. They make about as much sense as any.

TK Kelly: [00:22:45] Exactly. It's all very like these quote to call them quotes like they're pulled from, you know, eBay listings. And even those are they're just very it's loose man to say like, oh, I found a picture that looked like so-and-so is like there's been a lot of people, a Lot of. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:23:02] Manufacture a picture somehow. 

TK Kelly: [00:23:05] That's very true.

Cat Alvarado: [00:23:05] These aren't that old. It's 2011. That's not we're not talking about something from 1995 before we had software.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:23:12] Pictures aren't that old. So like.

TK Kelly: [00:23:13] Yeah, exactly.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:23:14] If it's a painting that's just one guy's rendition of something and pictures aren't that old, and now AI can do anything. So. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:23:21] And people can make really complex forgeries, like they forge money that like that passes inspection.

TK Kelly: [00:23:26] So I would also argue that Nicolas Cage has a very old-timey face. If you if. You throw mutton chops on that dude, he could be from any Time. There's probably been many, many dudes over the over the course of history that have looked like Nicolas Cage.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:23:40] I could not agree more. But there.

TK Kelly: [00:23:41] He looks like a Civil War soldier. 

Dwayne Perkins: [00:23:42] There's a picture of a former king of Spain. Looks just like Mark Zuckerberg, and his face is unique-looking and. 

TK Kelly: [00:23:49] Characterless.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:23:50] But it's like a king of Spain with like red hair. I mean, it's we can we can pull it up.

TK Kelly: [00:23:56] Spain's not the place I would expect Zuckerberg to have been royalty.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:23:59] Right. This guy looks they look so much alike. That kind of like face that's always in thought and with a mouth isn't closed.

TK Kelly: [00:24:06] It's a painting.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:24:06] It's a painting.

TK Kelly: [00:24:07] Yeah. Yeah. I will say, though, like, think back to those. Like that era of paintings. People's face, were they. Their faces were so, like, always kind of pale, like sallow, like expressionless. All Zuckerberg to a T, Right?

Cat Alvarado: [00:24:22] But what if They were painters whose style was like, everybody looks the same. Like, you know, there's some animators where they're like, this is just a style. I just make everybody. Look like Simpson's characters. 

TK Kelly: [00:24:30] This is how they come out when I paint people.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:24:32] And and. Mirrors probably weren't great back then.

TK Kelly: [00:24:36] Mirrors.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:24:37] So. So the guy was just like, Yeah, this is what you look like, this is what I look like. Okay.

TK Kelly: [00:24:42] This is a funny thought to Think like, you know, Mona Lisa, She's like, What? That's not what I look like. She's like. It's going to age. Well, I. Promise.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:24:49] I've been to the lake. I look down. 

TK Kelly: [00:24:52] I see myself in puddles.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:24:54] They had Mirrors back then.

TK Kelly: [00:24:56] Mirror technology had not fully advanced to where it's at today.

Cat Alvarado: [00:25:00] I have seen things going back to the eBay listing. I was listening to this podcast called Ghosted, which is about ghosts, if you like those, and they have a little feature about ghost dolls that are sold on Etsy or eBay. Apparently, there are people who will buy antique dolls, write a backstory, and then post them to Etsy for sale, claiming that they're haunted whether or not they are. And some of them clearly aren't because they will actually copy and paste the descriptions and backstories of the dolls on multiple antique dolls.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:25:28] Wow, that's a Great. 

TK Kelly: [00:25:29] Cabbage patch Descriptions.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:25:31] That'd be a great movie. Someone was like doing that.

TK Kelly: [00:25:33] Selling ghost dolls.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:25:34] But it turns out to be real.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:25:35] One of their dolls are real. And it's like it Comes back

Cat Alvarado: [00:25:37] They have a whole Inventory and they're making a ton of money, and then all of a sudden, all the dolls come to life.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:25:41] Oh, yeah.

Cat Alvarado: [00:25:41] Annabelle style.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:25:42] Yeah, we got to write it quick because one of our listeners is going to jump on.

Cat Alvarado: [00:25:46] I know people are going to start listening to our podcast just for the idea.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:25:48] Exactly. Before I go on to this happened to me once. I bought a picture frame, I think it was a dollar store, in fact, and I was going to put a picture in it. I still have it, or at least I have a picture in it. But then the guy in the picture, like the stock photo, he looked like me.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:26:02] Oh, that's weird.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:26:03] It looked like me so much that I'm like, Did I take this picture like this? Like I was trying to think, was I somewhere? Because it looks like.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:26:10] Because you think all African-Americans look alike.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:26:12] Right? Right. That's probably what it is. Yes.

TK Kelly: [00:26:13] Typical Dwayne.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:26:16] And so, yeah, it was it was a real cool thing. I was like I bought a picture frame and I was already in it.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:26:23] It sounds similar. I was reading a newspaper, I was reading the LA Times when I was like 17. And I remember I was reading an article and it was about this beekeeper that lived on the West Side in Santa Monica, and his name was Walt Sakai, and he looked just like me.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:26:35] Wow.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:26:36] But like 70 years old. And so the crazy thing is not that he looked like me, but more.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:26:41] Same last name.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:26:42] No, my dad's name is Walter.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:26:43] Oh, wow.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:26:44] And the same last name. Yeah. And he looked just like my father. He looked much more like my father than me.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:26:49] Oh, wow.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:26:49] And I was like, Oh, my God, I think this is my dad. And like, I asked my mom and she's like, That's not your dad. But I was like,

Cat Alvarado: [00:26:55] This is Like a secret double life.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:26:56] You thought it was your dad or your dad's dad.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:26:58] No, my dad, like, shared the same name. He looked like my dad was sick at the time, so I didn't really believe it was him. But it was like he looked exactly like my dad. It was the and with the same name. And my dad went by Walt and it was like this freaky thing I still look at. I still have the picture.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:27:10] This is an aside. But when I went to college, this girl, like I guess we looked alike and people always thought we were brother and sister.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:27:16] That's weird. You dated somebody that looked like you?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:27:18] No, I didn't date her I didn't date her. But then one day.

TK Kelly: [00:27:21] What did you do?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:27:23] Like what? Clearly we couldn't have the same mother, right? So maybe if we didn't, but we could possibly have the same father. But I didn't think so, because our features that may think we looked alike were more the features I get from my mother. Right? In my opinion. So one day I just asked her, I said, Hey, ask your mom if she my father's name was Otis. I was like, Ask your mom if she knows someone named Otis. So one break she asked her mom. I was like, Hey, did you ask your mom? She was like, Yeah. I said, Mom, do you know someone named Otis? And my mother was like, I don't know, no motherfucking Otis.

TK Kelly: [00:27:53] And so. So she's totally. Your sister, right? That's hilarious.

Cat Alvarado: [00:28:01] Wow. 

TK Kelly: [00:28:03] Didn't even say the last name. Just like, Nope, nope.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:28:07] So, yeah,

TK Kelly: [00:28:07] We're not talking about it.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:28:08] She might be my sister.

TK Kelly: [00:28:09] Yeah, that was funny.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:28:14] Such a strong reaction. You know what I mean?

TK Kelly: [00:28:16] Suspicious at best.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:28:18] Yeah. Yeah. So, anyway, back to this. Wow. Keanu, Nick and John are three of the biggest suspects when it comes to immortality. Living magazine. That seems like a solid source for us.

TK Kelly: [00:28:30] Yeah, Living Magazine.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:28:32] Lists plenty of other celebrities who haven't seemed to age a day, such as Tom Cruise, JLo, Angelina Jolie, Johnny Depp and Elijah Woods, to name a few.

Cat Alvarado: [00:28:41] Okay. I believe it. All right. Let's ask ChatGPT Is Keanu Reeves immortal?

Computer Voice: [00:28:46] In the Shadows Of Hollywood, whispers circulated about Keanu Reeves. Immortality was his secret. It was said those who dared approach him found him timeless, unchanged by decades. Yet Keanu's cryptic smile masked a truth stranger than fiction. He was a vampire, cursed with eternal life. Millennia had gifted him wisdom and a thirst for humanity's stories. With every role, he channeled centuries of experience captivating audiences. As the world evolved, Keanu remained a constant observer of change. But he yearned for one thing, denied him the warmth of daylight for eternity. He'd be both celebrated and confined to shadows.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:29:27] A millennia of experience. He channeled that into Bill and Ted's excellent adventure.

TK Kelly: [00:29:32] Chatgpt has never seen Point Break, most of which took place during the day. The dude's Been out in the day ChatGPT It's very easy to know that. 

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:29:40] Maybe it's just a big green screen.

TK Kelly: [00:29:42] Right? That's that's amazing to think that every time he shot a scene, it was special effects. It was inside.

Cat Alvarado: [00:29:49] It kept that secret. Foley. Nobody from the studio or production ever let that out.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:29:53] What I love about it also assumes that the actor is the one that's doing the making the story.

TK Kelly: [00:29:57] Yes,

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:29:57] As a writer and you know, it's all the writer. It's the actors I like. The most irritating thing with actors always is that they're like, Oh, Koji, did you ever think about this, about the character? I had this really great thought. I'm like, Yeah, I worked on it for like two years. Like, you know Like, don't you think Thought about.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:30:13] Like, what if he, what if he like what? I think this guy would, like, put his sleeve up like this and show his shoulder. What do you think about that?

TK Kelly: [00:30:21] I think you're fired. Get out. I like, though, that none of this takes into account just just good genetics. You know, famous actors have notoriously good genetics. They don't age like the rest of us guys. Except for Travolta.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:30:35] And they don't. They don't live like the rest of us because they have, like.

TK Kelly: [00:30:38] Blood transfusion.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:30:39] Health regimen. They have. Yeah, they have the creams you don't get in your local CVS, you know,

TK Kelly: [00:30:45] Secret creams.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:30:46] Plus you guys don't know this. So the rule for Asians is this You're always you look 20 years under your age, but then at a until a certain age when you get like 90, then you look like you're 150.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:30:55] Right, right, right.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:30:56] For the rest of your life.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:30:57] Yeah. 

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:30:57] So like, you know, that's why, like, that's why I go to the 25 year reunion in high school. All the women that I went to school with, like, looked young. But I'm sure if we had, like, a 60 year reunion, they'd look like they're 200.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:31:07] Yeah. And my reunion, the people of color fared well. The women of any color fared fared pretty well. And the white guys.

TK Kelly: [00:31:15] Just say it's. 

Dwayne Perkins: [00:31:15] It's a struggle.

TK Kelly: [00:31:16] I'm hideous. Or at least on the cusp of being hideous.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:31:21] No, but see, you live. You live out here. So this is like East Coast where, like, it's cold. And then I just think being around, it's like playing basketball with great players, you're going to be a better player. So I just think.

TK Kelly: [00:31:34] It's Just being in the vicinity of generally hot people is going to help me long term. I like that.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:31:38] Everyone's doing the same thing. Everyone's drinking a lot of water, everyone's.

TK Kelly: [00:31:41] I am hydrated. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:31:42] Food wise. There's a lot of things to like nutrition, you have better access to nutrition. There's certain things that are like diet fads here that like they don't get outside and they have access to like amazing nutritionists. They can have a personal chef like, okay, so my boyfriend is gluten free, right? He's got an autoimmune issue, so he has to like not eat gluten. If he eats gluten, his face gets puffy and he just looks less hot. He just does. And if he's gluten free, he looks way hotter, like 40% hotter. That's he knows.

TK Kelly: [00:32:09] That's amazing.

Cat Alvarado: [00:32:09] If he listens to this, he'll be like, yeah, accurate, right? And so I'm then tasked because I'm the one who cooks. I'm then tasked with like making nutritious meals. It is so much easier to make a not that nutritious meal which, like most people, will eat pasta, rice, bread all the time.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:32:24] You just got to push the microwave button.

Cat Alvarado: [00:32:26] Ding, ding. Yeah. So if you're somebody who's eating like pasta bread because most of this country is a food desert, like there is not a lot of like, fresh good food and people are poor, so they can't afford, like, more nutritious meals. That's going to make you less hot because you can't eat the most nutritious possible foods.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:32:42] Absolutely. And guys I grew up with in Brooklyn, at least, you know, a lot of them moved to Staten Island. So they just they just went the other way. They just they crossed the. 

TK Kelly: [00:32:50] Staten Island home of fresh produce as far as the eye can see. F and rolling hills.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:32:56] Drinking beer, eating pretzels.

TK Kelly: [00:32:58] That's a huge part. Well, a lot of those guys like you saying that made me realize like I think a lot of my friends might have gluten allergies. Like. They just don't think about it. These guys look like shit.

Cat Alvarado: [00:33:08] My boyfriend showed me a picture of him before he stopped eating gluten and then after it, he's like a completely different person. Like, he just. He was just puffy. Like, his whole face was puffy. And you can also look up. I think it's like Tom Brady. There are some football players as well who have given up gluten. And you look before and after.

TK Kelly: [00:33:23] Oh yeah, he's more attractive now than he was as a 20 year like when he got drafted.

Cat Alvarado: [00:33:29] Which is mind blowing.

TK Kelly: [00:33:30] But it's the Schlubby piece of shit. That's why he went seventh round. They were like, Oh, this guy's eating too much gluten.

Cat Alvarado: [00:33:36] My boyfriend and I, we went to visit his family over in Jersey and all we ate like every day was either like pasta pizza or like bread sandwiches. Just, like, can't. 

TK Kelly: [00:33:45] I Miss it. But I know what you mean. Yeah, it is. That's just how it goes.

Cat Alvarado: [00:33:48] You come here and you can get so many more options in just in Los Angeles, it's a foodie city and it's a very like produce driven vegetable forward type of a cuisine that we have here.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:33:59] Oh, yeah. I went to a diner and I got a salad. This was in Encinitas and a show down there like I thought it was going to like if you go to a diner in Queens, not Queens maybe, but most of the East Coast,

Cat Alvarado: [00:34:09] The salad is just croutons.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:34:11] It's just like iceberg lettuce. I got this salad. It was perfect. It was like perfectly tossed.

TK Kelly: [00:34:17] All the food groups are in there.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:34:18] Letters, but it's just a diner. And I'm like, this is one of the best salads I've ever had in my life. And like, where other places a salad just means grab a handful of lettuce and then they're, oh, yeah, that's a salad.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:34:31] Lots of cheese and a lots of croutons.

TK Kelly: [00:34:33] New York cuisine is like there's also that mentality, I think, especially in the city in New York, where it's like you're always going. So like, eating is like whatever, shove whatever you can in your face. My parents still complain to this day that there's no like if they go to a a gas station in the morning, they're like, you guys don't sell buttered rolls. I'm like, That is not breakfast, guys. It's not 1975 anymore. Buttered rolls and cigarettes is not breakfast.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:34:59] And that's only like sure have that buttered roll if you're going to lay brick all day.

TK Kelly: [00:35:04] Exactly exactly. If you're Working on a construction Site like.

Cat Alvarado: [00:35:08] I was, I cooked last night, I'm going through this like Gordon Ramsay cookbook. And there was one recipe that was like Lima beans, spinach, chicken and leeks. And it had like a shit ton of garlic in there. And I don't know that that sounds the most delicious, but it was so, so good. Then we looked up the benefits of all those foods like spinach, super high in iron. Lima bean is like fiber and a bunch of vitamins and minerals. All this stuff in these veggie heavy dishes. And if you cook deliberately to to eat that way you're just going to be healthier because you're getting way more nutrition than if you just eat pasta and bread.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:35:41] So when my wife questions my looks, I could just say.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:35:44] Right, right. Right, right.

Cat Alvarado: [00:35:45] It's your Cooking.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:35:46] It's the Cooking. Yeah.

TK Kelly: [00:35:47] This is on you.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:35:48] It's on you. Even though I cook. So I guess whatever. Okay, so. So what are you guys thinking? Have we stumbled upon any celebrities who are actually immortal? When we return, we'll put our heads together and figure out what really maybe happened.

Cat Alvarado: [00:36:02] Now that we've gone over the evidence, let's give our theories.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:36:06] This is what popped in my head. And it's it may be it actually, oddly is going to relate to the themes, some of the themes we've touched upon. I think that people just look alike because there are only a certain amount of faces, you know, like I'm at that age now where I see people and I'm like, This guy looks just like someone else. I know, but it's not that guy. You know what I mean? I've lived in different places. I lived in New York, Boston, L.A. And then, like, it's all overlapping. Like, I feel like I've met the same person 8 or 9 times. So as it relates to these theories, though, I think what this is, is that people wanted to come up with a reason why they were being ghosted. And so instead of just being like, this person doesn't like you or, you know, you're insufferable, I think by having a few high profile celebrities and saying, oh, they're immortal, they have to leave and, you know, get a new identity because people think it's weird they're not aging. I think that's theories out there. So when people regular people get ghosted, they can be like, oh, you know what? That guy, he must have been immortal. And he had to, uh.

TK Kelly: [00:37:05] That's got to be it,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:37:06] Right? 

TK Kelly: [00:37:06] Right. He had to move on to his next life.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:37:08] A new life. So it's not like we didn't get along. I'm sure he misses me or she misses me.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:37:13] It's not me personally.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:37:14] Yeah, it's not you. It's me being immortal. You know what I mean?

TK Kelly: [00:37:19] Just me not wanting to. Get burned alive. Stake through the heart. I'm just trying to avoid that kind of headache.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:37:24] Right? What happened With you and that guy? Oh, he had to. He had to move on, you know, because it's almost like, Baby, listen, I want to stay, but it's going to get weird. I'm gonna stay young and hot. You're going to be all crazy looking. And frangly, and old, I don't want I don't want you to. 

Dwayne Perkins: [00:37:39] How do you navigate that.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:37:39] I don't want You to have to deal with that. So.

TK Kelly: [00:37:43] I don't want you to have to suffer through that.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:37:50] Because, you know, seriously, like a buddy of mine, he went in for surgery. Now, this is crazy. He's aged well. I've known him for a long time. Over 20 years, maybe 30 years. He told me he was in the hospital and his wife was with him. And, you know, he wakes up from surgery and I guess the doctor's like, Hey, you're doing great. Your mom is here. And his wife was like, I'm his wife. And so like,

TK Kelly: [00:38:14] Oh.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:38:15] Yeah, that's not good. Yeah.

TK Kelly: [00:38:17] Is there, is there like an age difference?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:38:19] They're the same age.

TK Kelly: [00:38:20] Oh that is fuckin' rough.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:38:20] Yeah, he might, he might even be.

TK Kelly: [00:38:22] Did that end their marriage. Did they, did that just drive a wedge between them where after that she was like, oh are you too good for me?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:38:29] I think they got over it. But and here's the thing. It's like he had surgery. It's not like she had, you know,

Cat Alvarado: [00:38:35] He was coming out of surgery. The most, like, unhealthy moment of his entire existence.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:38:39] Right. You know.

Cat Alvarado: [00:38:41] You're near death.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:38:42] You're not. You're not done up. You know what I mean?

TK Kelly: [00:38:44] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:38:45] You probably got up early in the morning the day before or whatever it was. Yeah, I think that's the thing where you just have to put on your, your affirmation boots and fucking compliment her to death.

TK Kelly: [00:38:55] That is, that's brutal. Your mother like, I mean, like, how lucky are you. Your mother is still around to be here for you. Like she's five years younger than him.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:39:08] Right. So I know it sounds crazy, but when you put it in that perspective, like you don't want to be dating someone and then, like, unless it's like LA where guys do date girls who are half their age.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:39:19] Yeah.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:39:19] Where it just comes with the territory.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:39:20] But the rule is half your age plus seven. I mean.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:39:22] Right, right, right, right, right.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:39:23] You can't just date somebody half your age.

Cat Alvarado: [00:39:24] My dad So my. My parents are ten years apart and my dad remarried somebody like they got divorced. He remarried somebody his own age, like literally they are the same age because he said after a long time of being married to someone so young and she's Latina, so she ages extra well. So she really looks like she's 20 years younger than him.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:39:42] Right? Right.

Cat Alvarado: [00:39:43] He said he just wanted to grow old with somebody. And my mom just wasn't growing old.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:39:47] He just got tired of explaining Colombo to her.

TK Kelly: [00:39:50] I don't get your references, and I never will. It's got to be such a hard thing that, like, none of these vampire immortality movies cover the awkward stages of, like Well, my Girlfriend's 90 now, and here I am looking like 40-year-old Keanu.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:40:06] That's from Mr. Ed. Oh, you don't know Mr. Ed. That's. So that's cool, though. He married someone his age?

Cat Alvarado: [00:40:15] Yeah, it's kind of kind of a head trip because as a woman, my insecurity was like, Oh, a man will leave me for someone younger. No. Could be someone older. You guys that just so you could be extra insecure and jealous.

TK Kelly: [00:40:25] Just to add pile on. Man could just leave you for anyone. It doesn't matter. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:40:30] You're never safe. Abandonment is always a possibility. Trust no one. I just read an article that at some point, mankind dwindled down to just 1300 people.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:40:42] I saw that? Yeah. That's crazy.

Cat Alvarado: [00:40:44] We almost went extinct. So we're all coming back from those 1300 peoples. That's one fact. Now, backing up, I do think this is alien-related. I think they're all aliens. And the aliens knew this history and they're like, we don't have to make that many face masks for people because everybody's coming from 1300. So they only made like a certain amount of costumes for the aliens who walk among us to wear.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:41:08] I see.

Cat Alvarado: [00:41:09] And then the designer retired. See, I'm taking a page out of Koji's book.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:41:12] That's a good one.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:41:13] Yeah, that's a nice one.

Cat Alvarado: [00:41:13] So that's my theory.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:41:15] You've been on this show too long because before it'd be like, Oh, no, this is not accurate.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:41:19] Right, right, right.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:41:19] I know they can never be immortal, right? Like you're fucking aliens.

Cat Alvarado: [00:41:25] I'm changing it up, you guys. I don't want to be predictable. I can't be the one who always says the rational thing, Although I kind of am.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:41:31] So how many face masks are there?

Cat Alvarado: [00:41:33] It looks like 17.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:41:34] 17. Okay.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:41:35] I like that. I like that. Yeah. Have you. If you look up, even though they lived, they overlapped. Jennifer Lawrence looks just like this Egyptian actress. And I mean, like, it's crazy, but they lived the same time. But the Egyptian lady died in like, let's say, 2016.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:41:50] Have they ever been in the same room together, though?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:41:52] That's a good Question. Look.

Cat Alvarado: [00:41:53] Whoa.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:41:54] Oh, wow.

TK Kelly: [00:41:55] Yeah. I mean, that's that's a thing, too, with with actors. Like there's so, you know, if you Look back At like Paul Muni or whatever, whoever we were talking about earlier, the actor like there is going to be that likelihood that like even back then the hot people were actors, right? So like they were, there's an attractiveness level that like this that Egyptian actress doesn't look like very many people.Right.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:42:19] Right.

TK Kelly: [00:42:20] You're not seeing her out on the street.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:42:21] No. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:42:21] But Jennifer Lawrence is like she looks so close to her.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:42:25] Right. Right. And also casting people are looking for someone who looks like someone else.

Cat Alvarado: [00:42:29] Yeah, that is true. Yeah. Trying to find someone who seems similar.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:42:33] But also. I love your alien thing. It's. It's kind of related, but not exactly like how many people go like to, I think Ireland.

Cat Alvarado: [00:42:42] Yeah, the Irish all look alike.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:42:45] But they all go back to like 1 or 2. There's like one guy, maybe Smith whose last name had so many kids, like Genghis Khan, like, yeah, these guys that had like these rich, like back in the day who had like 20 wives and. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:42:59] To Like some Viking Guy,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:43:00] 100 kids. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:43:01] Pillaged,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:43:02] Everybody's coming from a large part of the population.

TK Kelly: [00:43:05] Were all stardust, baby. I think that was the point of what he was saying. Like we're all we all come from the same stuff.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:43:10] Yeah.

TK Kelly: [00:43:11] So like, there's going to be overlap. But instead we read that as like, oh, cryptic,

Cat Alvarado: [00:43:15] You know, And those 1300 people who like humanity dwindled down to like, we don't know if they were even related because we don't know who they are. But like, what if of those 1300 people, most of them came from like three family lines because like, those were the ones who were the strongest.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:43:29] It's an Adam and Eve had some kids and those kids had to bone each other.

TK Kelly: [00:43:33] That's that's a question that just does not get addressed at church, Right? There's like, no, no, no, no. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it.

Cat Alvarado: [00:43:40] Why do you think the most churchy parts of the country have the most incest. I'm just Saying.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:43:43] At Pornhub, isn't that one of the most searched terms?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:43:45] I wouldn't know

TK Kelly: [00:43:47] isn't it, Koji?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:43:49] But I hear, you know,

TK Kelly: [00:43:51] I'm told. Personally I don't dabble.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:43:54] I think you guys are all wrong. Well, first of all, let me just say they are all immortal vampires. Okay? Okay. So I'll just put that out there first. But. But they got a little bit wrong. Pretty much everyone on the West Coast or in the liberal cities are actually we're all vampires. This is kind of behind the curtains for anyone. So, you know, the the rest of the country, the MAGA folks, they're actually zombies. And there's a civil war coming out that's going to be soon against. It's the zombies. 

Dwayne Perkins: [00:44:17] Versus the Vampires.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:44:18] Versus the vampires. But right now they're saying like, oh, you know, like the child sex trafficking and stuff and all that stuff with the QAnon folks there. It's really just vampires that they really want to talk about. But they say vampires would be too silly.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:44:29] Right? Right.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:44:29] Like. 

TK Kelly: [00:44:30] It's got to be taken seriously.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:44:31] Yeah. Gotta be taken seriously. So let's do child pedophile ring, right? When they talk about pizza or whatever, it's all child pedophiles. Really. Just vampires is what it is. And we're just about to be this major, major war. And this is a little bit I just won't say one thing. You know, usually when there's a Republican president, you're talking about zombies. The movies are about zombies. And when it's a Democratic president, you're really talking about vampires.

Cat Alvarado: [00:44:50] It's really true.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:44:51] It's because it has a lot to do with, like. Like xenophobia, right? Like like the Republicans. There. You don't want, like, hordes of people from other bad countries, in quotes. Coming. That's a zombie.

TK Kelly: [00:45:02] Coming and eating your brains, right? Yeah. And taking your Jobs.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:45:04] And when it's Democrats, they don't want these elites who are like behind the scenes taking over like. 

TK Kelly: [00:45:09] Froufrou Vampires with their big collars and their.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:45:12] Right.

TK Kelly: [00:45:13] Suspiciously coifed Hair.

Cat Alvarado: [00:45:14] The 1%.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:45:16] Like Going to that what's that ball called they have every year the Met gala.

TK Kelly: [00:45:21] Oh yeah. Yeah yeah.

Cat Alvarado: [00:45:23] That's a very Vampire Ball.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:45:24] Those are all Vampires. 

TK Kelly: [00:45:25] Full of Vampires.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:45:26] Yeah, but. But this is all a little bit wrong. So really, the Democrats are vampires and the Republicans are the zombies.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:45:34] That's interesting because there was that one time where Joe Biden said, Vote for me.

Cat Alvarado: [00:45:44] Honestly, I think Joe Biden is the biggest proof that Democrats are not vampires. He is the he's the least immortal person.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:45:51] Well, that's only if You think he's his age. He's really like 5 million years old.

Cat Alvarado: [00:45:54] Okay.

TK Kelly: [00:45:55] In which case. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:45:56] He's hit the limit. 

TK Kelly: [00:45:56] looks spectacular.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:45:57] He looks great at 5 million.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:45:59] I have a joke in my in my standup. I haven't done it that many times. I've only done it a few times, but it really happened. I was at the bank and this guy ahead of me like this, you know, back when people went to banks, they said next. And he took forever to get to the he just kind of shook over there. And I'm like, buddy, buddy, please, man, Just you know what I mean? But he was older. He was like, I don't know, 70 or 80. So I tried to give him some slack. Then I overhear he's at the counter and he's doing his transaction. The lady asks his age or whatever, and he's like, I'm 107.

Cat Alvarado: [00:46:27] Oh, wow.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:46:28] And I was like, Man, he sprinted over there. Like,

TK Kelly: [00:46:30] Yeah. 

Dwayne Perkins: [00:46:30] I didn't give him his props.

TK Kelly: [00:46:32] The fact that he's at The bank or at The earth. Like, Wow, this is amazing.

Cat Alvarado: [00:46:37] That's amazing.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:46:37] What is he what is he cashing in like some buffalo nickels? Like, what's happening right now?

TK Kelly: [00:46:43] I've been sitting on this gold for 100 years.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:46:46] All right. TK. What's your Theory?

TK Kelly: [00:46:48] I'm going to start by saying Nicholas Cage. Not a vampire. Definitely not. Because there's nobody in Hollywood who would more enjoy you to believe that he is a vampire. He. He's buying castles he can't afford. He's starring as Dracula. This is hard. This is not the behavior of a of a real vampire, right, Keanu Reeves? Absolutely. He's got the quiet confidence of a man who has lived several centuries. And I think he turned Elijah Wood sometime in the 90s because that dude has he of all of them, he's the most suspicious. But we saw him as a kid, so we know unless he's an alien like at posited he we know he was born here as a child. But I think I think Keanu gave him the bite somewhere around the mid-90s.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:47:31] Interesting.

Cat Alvarado: [00:47:31] Like he was as familiar Maybe.

TK Kelly: [00:47:33] Yeah, maybe. He definitely has a Renfield vibe. And I feel like also, I like to think that Keanu is only turning people who he believes can be trusted with the power. He's like, Elijah's a good dude with a good heart. He's going to give his money away to other people just like me. I'm going to turn him. So my theory is that there are vampires, but it's only the few outstanding nice people in Hollywood.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:47:54] The only people that would like really go to Middle Earth and back for you. You know what I mean?

TK Kelly: [00:47:58] There's something there's something about Keanu especially that just has he just has this vibe of like, this guy knows more than we do. We all are like, especially with Bill and Ted and, you know, his initial movies making fun of him like, Oh, this guy's a dummy. I'm like, This guy's a genius.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:48:12] I will say this what I like about your theory is that he seems to always do just enough to get great returns.

TK Kelly: [00:48:19] Yes.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:48:20] So there's an efficiency to his life.

TK Kelly: [00:48:21] There's a wise ness about him. He you know, the way his career started, there was a point where he was doing a lot of rom coms and stuff where he was starting to get written off as a bit of like a joke in the acting community. Then he lands The Matrix and he plays this detached, sort of almost non-human person and people are like, Man, knocked it out of the park. It's almost like he's not a real Human,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:48:46] Right? And then he.

TK Kelly: [00:48:48] And then that's what he kind of did from then on, his roles have been chosen. Exactly. John Wick is the most perfect fit for him because he's just this like he's a man on a mission. He doesn't do any more than he has to. As far as the acting goes, he's he's minimal. He's understated.

Cat Alvarado: [00:49:03] I mean, that's the most acting right now, though. Let's be real. Like, everybody's got Botox and just doesn't move their face. Just.

TK Kelly: [00:49:08] Yeah. The other theory is he can't move his face. But I prefer mine.

Cat Alvarado: [00:49:12] Like, wow, that person is such a good actor. That's a statue, sir.

TK Kelly: [00:49:16] He's so deadpan.

Cat Alvarado: [00:49:17] That's the Statue of Liberty. All right, so those are our theories. Which one do we like best?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:49:26] I'm voting for Cat's actually, I love.

TK Kelly: [00:49:28] I find the alien one very believable.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:49:31] Me too actually.

Cat Alvarado: [00:49:32] Is this the first time I've won. 

[00:49:34] Clean sweep? I don't know.

Cat Alvarado: [00:49:35] Maybe.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:49:36] I think you definitely did first Clean sweep.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:49:37] Yeah.

Cat Alvarado: [00:49:38] Sweet.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:49:39] Yes.

TK Kelly: [00:49:41] I think you know. What it is, too. The aliens leave so much more room for, like, explanation of. Well, explain that. Explain that. Vampires. There's like, Well, he's out in the day. He's doing this. 

Dwayne Perkins: [00:49:50] Right Right.

TK Kelly: [00:49:51] The aliens is like, well, he's an alien. We don't know their rules.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:49:54] Especially if they if they come and go, but especially if they came once they did the 17 faces and they left.

TK Kelly: [00:50:00] Here's here's the question, though. So is the current Keanu, is that the alien that has been him the whole time or are they like swapping out and like putting on the skin suit for a century?

Cat Alvarado: [00:50:10] I think they swap out.

TK Kelly: [00:50:12] Oh,

Cat Alvarado: [00:50:12] They swap out. 

TK Kelly: [00:50:13] I Like that.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:50:13] Are they reptilian aliens or just aliens or alien vampires? I want to make sure I got it.

Cat Alvarado: [00:50:18] They're just aliens, not reptilians. I'm not that crazy. Come on.

TK Kelly: [00:50:23] That's ridiculous.

Cat Alvarado: [00:50:24] That's anti-Semitic. And we are not anti-Semitic on this podcast. All right, guys, that is the official story. We'll take another break. And when we return, we'll offer the words of wisdom to immortals.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:50:39] Aside from celebrities, we'll never know how many people are actually going to live forever, if any. But since we all know that the four of us here are going to live forever, what advice would you give to our fellow immortals who might be listening?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:50:51] You can't really get attached to anybody because you know you have this whole thing. They're all going to die on you. So think this is you know, this is a perfect opportunity to become Buddhist, to have no attachments, not to like things that are personal or things that are physical or humans or, you know. So it's really just a test to become Buddha.

Cat Alvarado: [00:51:08] I see. I see my immortality advice is to be an environmentalist and really promote sustainability, because.

TK Kelly: [00:51:14] That's a great point.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:51:15] I like it. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:51:15] On this planet for a long time. And if Earth becomes a barren wasteland, devoid of life and you're just like around, or if like it gets hit by some kind of like a missile and then the earth just explodes, and then now you're just floating around space.

TK Kelly: [00:51:31] I'm seeing I'm seeing Keanu. Right now, by the way, just slowly twisting through space like, God damnit,

Cat Alvarado: [00:51:37] You could be very lonely in space.

TK Kelly: [00:51:38] Styrofoam.

Cat Alvarado: [00:51:40] There's just nothing to connect you to somebody else. Like it's going to be John Travolta and then 40 billion miles of nothing and then Keanu and then a bunch of nothing. And then Elijah Wood. 

Dwayne Perkins: [00:51:50] Right.

Cat Alvarado: [00:51:51] So if you want to be happy, you need Earth to survive. So we're all in the same location.

TK Kelly: [00:51:57] Which Really coincides with Koji's point about the liberal side being vampires, because they are they do seem to be the ones much more worried about the planet. Like we're like, we got to save this place. And the vampires are like, Yeah, I've been saying that for centuries and nobody, nobody's been listening.

Cat Alvarado: [00:52:13] We have no other earth, you guys, this is it.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:52:16] And this is coming off the hottest summer we've ever had.

TK Kelly: [00:52:19] But I mean I know I can't go outside during the day, but like, nobody can.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:52:23] Right? Right. 

[00:52:24] I love that. I think some people say live like it's the last day of your life that doesn't make sense. And some people like, live, like, just live whatever. No, you got to break it up in five year increments from any day. You can start from today and then like five years from now, what are people going to say about you? But what are people close to you going to say about you? Not just any random person, the people you work with and your family? What are they going to say about you? I think if they say you're solid and you've done everything you need to do, then you're in a good place.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:52:52] So you're basically saying smart goals like a five year smart goal plan.

Cat Alvarado: [00:52:55] Specific, measurable, actionable, relevant and time bound.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:52:58] Yeah. I never heard of that before. But that. Yeah, that. Exactly.

TK Kelly: [00:53:01] I was nodding. I also didn't know.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:53:05] It's a corporate it's a corporate thing.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:53:06] okay, okay.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:53:07] If you work at a in a corporate world, that's what they do. Yeah.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:53:10] So, yeah, just break it up into five year periods because forever is kind of daunting and you don't live like it's the last day of your life because you're just going to I can, you know, smoke crack or something. Yeah. But like.

TK Kelly: [00:53:20] Well, if you're going to just do it for five years, right?

Cat Alvarado: [00:53:23] On that note, like smoking Crack, like, don't do crazy drugs that'll fry your brain because then you're going to be completely debilitated. But forever. Like, nobody wants to be an.

TK Kelly: [00:53:32] Immortal Idiot. 

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:53:33] Junkie. Oh.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:53:35] All right.TK, what is your advice?

TK Kelly: [00:53:37] Just be cool. If you're a mortal, you better be good to people because otherwise they're coming with the pitchforks and the torches. There's a reason I think Keanu Reeves has made himself so beloved. If everybody likes you, nobody's suspicious of you. Nobody's questioning you, nobody's attacking you. So be cool. Be good to people you work with, be good to everybody you encounter over your centuries of existence because you never know who's coming back to make you pay for what you did in the past.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:54:06] That's great because he paid for the people on his side. He gave extra money to people.

TK Kelly: [00:54:10] He's notorious for giving, I think the Matrix sequel. He gave all of his salary away. But I mean, he had made so much from the first one. It was like,

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:54:17] That's still amazing.

TK Kelly: [00:54:18] It's unbelievable.He made so much in the gold rush.

TK Kelly: [00:54:20] Exactly. He's being cool because he's like, I'm fine. Like this Movie Money is Not. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:54:28] Because he Feels guilt about being a conquistador.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:54:31] Right?

TK Kelly: [00:54:32] For the bad shit he did In the deep, deep past.

Cat Alvarado: [00:54:37] All right. Well, thank you for coming on with us. Please tell us where people can follow you and check out your animated shorts.

TK Kelly: [00:54:44] Sure. Thank you for having me. I'm at TK Kelly comedy on what little social media I use, I guess Instagram now. I got rid of x guys I couldn't deal with the branding change and Pete and Possum really is where you should follow me for like most of my material is coming out that way now. So Pete and Possum is on Instagram, YouTube and TikTok at Pete and Possum. Check it out. Give me a follow. Give me some positive feedback. If I get any negative, I'll quit and cry.

Cat Alvarado: [00:55:12] And thank you all so much for listening. There are almost 3 million podcasts and we're honored you chose ours to listen to and please check out our website Unofficial official story.com for our show notes or to hear our past episodes and be sure to follow us on Instagram, Twitter or X or whatever it's called today and now on TikTok as well. Be sure to tune in next month where we'll be answering. The question is Hello Kitty Satanic?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:55:40] Yes.

TK Kelly: [00:55:41] Yeah, we can answer that right now. Yes.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:55:43] Well, I'll tell you, she's not heavenly.

TK Kelly: [00:55:47] There's evil there.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:55:48] All right, guys. Thank you.

Cat Alvarado: [00:55:50] Bye.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:55:50] See you.

Cat Alvarado: [00:55:50] Bye, guys. Thank you.