S3E9 Jesus and Sushi with Adam Yenser

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:00:04] All right, guys. What miracles have you guys seen in your life? Go!

Dwayne Perkins: [00:00:07] I swear to you, I got off a plane. This happened within the last month, okay? And I walked past a dude. Everyone was getting off, and it was a really old guy. He was 106. If he was two. Okay? And he looked dead. I looked in his face. I saw no life and I got scared. I bumped into the guy ahead of me like I wanted to get out of there. I didn't want to have to deal with it. And someone said hi to him in Spanish and they brought him back. I think he was literally about to touch the light and they said something like, you know, Poppy, blah, Papa, Papa. And then he was like, and you saw the life into him. He was gone. And I was like, wow, I guess he wasn't dead. But I think he was. And I think they caught him at just the right moment.

Adamn Yenser: [00:00:44] Wait, so the miracle was speaking Spanish?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:00:50] No, it's just that whoever talked to him, that encouragement made him think, you know what? It's not my time. I see.

Cat Alvarado: [00:00:56] I see mine Was. So my dad almost died of like a of his heart was like clogged, like 99% clogged, like almost completely clogged. And luckily my mom, like, rushed him to the hospital in time and he got care at the time he needed to get care. And the doctor said if he was literally like 1 or 2 hours later, he would have died. That's that's the miracle in my life.

Adamn Yenser: [00:01:23] Dweayne is now reminded me of a different one is when I when I was living in New York, like a few years ago, I had roommates and they bought a they got a pit bull, which I'm like always like, I don't want a pit bull in the apartment. But. And it was very destructive. It would it would tear everything apart. It wouldn't listen to any commands. They'd tell it to sit, you know, it wouldn't listen. It destroyed couches. It would, like, bite too hard, but it played. It was just a terror of a dog. And they got it from from a shelter. And we had no idea what its backstory was. And then the one day my roommate was walking it through Brooklyn and it ran towards some kids like it was going to attack them. And then the one kid yells, sientate in Spanish and like, sat there like, oh, it's a Spanish Dog. It's kind of a Miracle where that kid was also saved by Spanish. So. 

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:02:10] That's funny.

Cat Alvarado: [00:02:11] Yeah, that's a good one.

Adamn Yenser: [00:02:12] And then we learned the commands in Spanish and the dog listened after that. So. 

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:02:15] I like pit bulls, but I think it's more about the owners. But I'll give you my miracle real quick. It's that, uh, it's it's about my father. He was super sick all my life, and he told my mom that he's going to live as long as. Until both his sons are graduating college. And so both my, my brother and I graduated college. And a week after I graduated college, he passed away.

Cat Alvarado: [00:02:34] Wow. I have one like that. My grandmother. No, my grandpa, he he was like really, really sick. And my grandmother always prayed for him to stay alive because she didn't want to let him go. But he was in a lot of pain. So one day he's like, please stop praying for me at church. Like, you need to stop. I need to go. I don't want to be alive anymore. And she stopped. She took his she literally like, took his name out of the little container for prayers. And he died a week later.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:02:59] Wow.

Cat Alvarado: [00:03:02] Welcome everyone. This is season three, episode nine of The Unofficial official story. I'm Kat and I'm feeling awkward because I just shared a really, like, sad miracle. And then y'all were just like, funny as fuck. And I'm like, wow, okay, I'm lame. So that's that's me. How are you guys?

Adamn Yenser: [00:03:21] A lot of our Miracles ended with people dying.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:03:26] Right? Right. Hi. I'm Dwayne I'm a little, I guess knackered, if that means tired. Came down with a bit of a sickness from from the year 2019. Covid 19. I don't know if they still call it that, but it's good to be here. I'm glad we could do this remotely. And yeah, I don't think your miracle was sad at all. At all miracles are welcome.

Cat Alvarado: [00:03:45] Okay, cool cool cool.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:03:46] And I'm Koji and I am thinking a lot about my dad and how in his whole life was actually a miracle.

Cat Alvarado: [00:03:52] And this is where we tell you the official story. We take a look at the paranormal, conspiracies, unexplained phenomena, cryptids, true crime, and everything in between. And by the end, we'll tell you what really maybe happened. In this episode, we're asking the question, Did Jesus go to Japan? But first, let's introduce our guest, comedian Adam Yenser. Adam Yenser is a comedian and Emmy Award winning writer. For ten years, he wrote for The Ellen DeGeneres show, where he starred in the segments. Kevin the cashier, played by Adam and Adam, investigates. Also, I think this is Me Adlibbing one where you're a Christmas elf and those are my favorite. Adam has appeared on Conan, Fox laughs, and Gutfeld! He's also a freelance contributor to SNL's Weekend Update. He's written for the Oscars, co-produced the web series Laugh Lessons with Kevin Nealon, and much more. He's headlined comedy clubs and festivals, mixing sharp observational humor with a uniquely conservative political perspective. He's had sketches featured by The Babylon Bee and hosts his own satirical YouTube show, The Canceled News. His stand up special, Adam Answer Not Big Enough to Cancel, is available on Dry Bar comedy. Hello, Adam.

Adamn Yenser: [00:05:04] That was my whole. That was my whole life there, I think.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:05:07] Where are you from originally, Adam?

Adamn Yenser: [00:05:08] Uh, Pennsylvania. I grew up in the Allentown area.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:05:11] Oh, nice. Nice.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:05:12] So are you a Steeler Steelers Pirates fan?

Adamn Yenser: [00:05:14] Uh, my family is more Eagles fans, but I'm college football. I follow Penn State.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:05:19] And how did you Get into comedy?

Adamn Yenser: [00:05:20] You know, it's it's something I had always wanted to try, probably from the time I was in high school. And I got a I wanted to get into comedy writing first. I got an internship at, um, Late Night with Conan O'Brien when he was in New York years ago, and like 2005. And then I wound up getting hired as, like, the receptionist and intern coordinator there. And while I was living in New York City, I just eventually went out to to to an open mic and tried it. And it was one of those things I thought about doing for a while. And then when I got on stage and tried it for the first time, it was just like, oh, this is, this is fun. This is what I want to be doing. It was actually the open mic did it was at the UCB theater at midnight on a Saturday, and Pete Holmes was the open mic host back then, so wow.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:06:00] That's really cool. Actually, it's that seems like a perfect place to do an open mic given where you were working.

Adamn Yenser: [00:06:06] Yeah.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:06:07] I was just wondering, like, how was it being submersed in that comedy at NBC and it's great comedy and then going to do an open mic? It can it can be vastly different.

Adamn Yenser: [00:06:15] I mean, working for Conan in any capacity, it's like going to like comedy college. It's like everyone who went through there, whether they were like interns or production assistants or writers, it's like that, and especially that period of Conan. I mean, he was always funny, but that late night show, there's like so many people that I like interned with or worked with that went on to do other things or create other thing. So you kind of get this like just education in all aspects of comedy there. And then, you know, when you go to the UCB, it's open mic. So it's, you know, some of them are good, some of them are not so good. I always gravitated towards doing clean comedy myself. I don't, I don't, I don't, you know, never wade into dirty stuff. And there's dirty comics I like. But at that time, you know, I was I was trying to work clean to get started. And yeah, it was a blast. I remember, um, I remember like the feeling of getting off stage there, but it's like that first time. It's all like a blur kind of being on stage there at the theater.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:07:12] Right? Right. And why? Why did you decide to work clean? Because I work fairly clean.

Adamn Yenser: [00:07:16] Yeah. No, I've seen your stuff. I like your stuff a lot. Yeah.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:07:19] Thank you, thank you.

Adamn Yenser: [00:07:20] I always thought working clean. I think it opens up more opportunities for for TV gigs. There's more venues that'll take you. And I think even if you want to work dirty eventually, like there's dirty comics that I love and there's, there's even bits I have that wade a little bit into the dirty area, but I feel like when you start out working clean, it makes you a stronger joke writer. So then when you do write dirty stuff, it's it's a funny joke that's dirty. It's not a shock value joke that's just getting a laugh because it's using dirty as a crutch. Yeah.

Cat Alvarado: [00:07:49] I also think people like dirty a lot less than people realize. I just, I just got back from some shows on the road, and my opener was doing songs about certain bodily fluids that men have and women don't. Also men's body parts down there, and it was just kind of cringe. And it was it was clearly a crutch. There were like fart jokes in there too, and a lot of F-bombs. And afterwards people were coming up to me going, oh my God, that opener was so bad. But he had no idea. He's kind of like, wow, you guys are really not that responsive. But he wasn't aware that he was bombing. And I think that's the case with a lot of dirty comics is like, they just when they get in front of a real audience and not an open mic, it's.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:08:33] Right, right.

Adamn Yenser: [00:08:33] I was going to Say, I think that's true of a lot of guys I've dealt with the opposite, the two. There are some crowds that just want dirty material and that's what they eat up, you know? And then if you go up there and do clean jokes or smart jokes, they just stare at you dumbfounded until someone makes a sex joke. And then they then they bust out laughing.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:08:49] Adam, have you found that different parts of the country want different kinds of comedy,

Adamn Yenser: [00:08:53] Like the Coastal comedians, New York, LA? A lot of those crowds want smart comedy, and it's not all of them you can still hit, you know, other crowds. But it's interesting because I was taught I was at a festival recently where there was a cruise agent speaking there. She was one of the like industry people that was there. And there was like a panel with all the comedians. And she was saying, you know, when she's booking cruises, she's like, remember these people? They're blue collar people. They're on vacation. They don't want to come to a comedy show to think. And in my head I'm like, I love going to a comedy show to think. It's like, I want the comedian, that I want the comedian that has like a smart take on something or a smart joke. And, you know, I think it is there's clubs in the Midwest. Sometimes you'll get audiences that want smart jokes, but, you know, you often do get those crowds. It's material that I think some of, like the pretentious coastal comics that, you know, are into getting like late night sets and stuff. They'll they'll call it hacky when someone just goes out there and asks, you know, how long have you two been married? And then talks about their sex life with their wife for the rest of the set? But, you know, a lot of those people, that's what they want is just sex jokes and relationship jokes.

Cat Alvarado: [00:09:56] Don't get me started on crowd work that everybody's leaning on.

Adamn Yenser: [00:09:59] Yeah, yeah. But but I mean, it's like the, the comics that are that like the smart humor and are going for, you know, specials and late night sets. They want like really original smart jokes. And that's the stuff that I feel like we love the most. But there are crowds out there that just want stuff that doesn't make them think. And I think that's part of just the experience of being a comic for a while. I like doing smart jokes, but you kind of have to get good at dealing with both types of audience.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:10:24] I read from your bio that you're a conservative politically.

Adamn Yenser: [00:10:26] Yes. Yeah.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:10:27] You might be the first conservative guest that we have. Welcome. We're excited to have you here.

Adamn Yenser: [00:10:31] Thanks for welcoming me. Yeah.

Cat Alvarado: [00:10:35] So let's get the story straight once and for all.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:10:38] Did Jesus go to Japan? The rumor that Jesus traveled to Japan is one that takes place after his crucifixion, called the Unknown Years. According to Wikipedia, Jesus' unknown years, also commonly referred to as the silent, lost, or missing years, refers to a period of Jesus's life that's really hard to say between his childhood and ministry, which is not described in the New Testament. The Lost Years of Jesus can also refer to his possible post crucifixion activities, though the term itself is not typically used in scholarly literature. 

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:11:11] I like that We get our facts from Wikipedia.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:11:14] Right, right after we change them.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:11:18] All right, the lost years are a gap of almost 18 years in the New Testament. There's no mention of what he did during this time, other than the statement that he advanced in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and men. That's from Luke 252. Christian tradition suggests that Jesus was working as a carpenter. And how do you say this, a. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:11:36] Galilee,

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:11:36] Galilee? Sorry. You can tell that I didn't go to church during this, that period. Still, there's a very little historical information to actually determine whether this is true or not.

Cat Alvarado: [00:11:46] So it's no surprise that there are stories of Jesus traveling elsewhere during his last years, like Japan and India. I've heard the India. One legend says that Jesus first traveled to Japan at age of 21 to study theology, becoming a disciple of a great master near Mt. Fuji, and then returned to Judea at the age of 33. This takes place during his lost years, and when he was condemned to crucifixion for heresy, he traded places with Ishikiri, one of his little brothers, and from there he fled to Japan. I feel like this story is already not adding up. Because who's Ishikiri?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:12:22] He's his little brother.

Adamn Yenser: [00:12:25] That's one of my favorite part of the story, because I just. I like that there's a Galilean named Isukiri like Jesus. Jesus is like, oh, this is my this is my parents, Mary and Joe. And these are my friends James and Peter. And this is my brother Isukiri.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:12:39] Think it's a guy he met in Japan and they were close as brothers.

Adamn Yenser: [00:12:43] Oh, okay. So it's not a blood relative.

Cat Alvarado: [00:12:45] Okay.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:12:45] That's what I think. Yeah.

Cat Alvarado: [00:12:46] You know What this is reminded me of is, is kill Bill when she goes to the to that one teacher and kill Bill 2 to learn how to be a ninja. I'm imagining Jesus becoming a ninja.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:12:58] Don't the Mormons believe that Jesus was in North America?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:13:01] They do.

Adamn Yenser: [00:13:01] Yeah.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:13:02] So that's another place that he could have gone was that he went to North America. Right. So. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:13:05] He could have gone everywhere.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:13:06] I mean, unless he used sort of like some special godly powers. I understand there's a gap between like age 12 and 33, but how long would it take to get to Japan from, like, you know, Jerusalem,

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:13:18] Japan. Japan Airlines? Dwayne. Right.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:13:20] Right, right.

Cat Alvarado: [00:13:21] Based off of my my studies of playing Organ Trail for years and years as a ten year old, I feel like it would be a long and difficult, dangerous journey. He might have to like, you know, run some oxen across a river or get dysentery along the way. So if he made it to Japan, that in itself would be a miracle.

Adamn Yenser: [00:13:43] We should add a part to the story where Jesus made the oxen walk across the sea. They just.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:13:49] Right. Because he was like, look, they can do it. You can do it too. According to multiple sources, the link is in the show notes. There is a small town in northern Japan called Shingo, where locals claim that it is the final resting place of Jesus Christ. It said that Jesus fled through Siberia and Alaska. So we're just asking about the route to the Mitsu Province in Tohoku, with a lock of hair from his mother and the right ear of Isukiri.

Cat Alvarado: [00:14:16] He kept it as a souvenir.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:14:17] Was that after he died or before, or was it like, I need that ear, bro, just to prove I don't know how how that works.

Cat Alvarado: [00:14:23] So this would have to be this particular part would be after his death.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:14:26] Yeah,

Cat Alvarado: [00:14:27] But after his death, he went through Siberia and Alaska.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:14:30] After he had his homeboy die for him. Yes.

Cat Alvarado: [00:14:32] Yeah. So let's just clarify that there are kind of two running theories we're talking about at the same time. One is that he went to Japan during the lost years when he was young. Right. And then the other one is that he went to Japan after he died,

Adamn Yenser: [00:14:46] And it was. That he had Isukiri took his place on the cross and it was.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:14:50] The same theory.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:14:51] Wait, wait. Wait, so am I, if I hear this correctly, does that mean everyone who wears a crucifixion is actually wearing a Japanese man?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:14:57] Yeah.

Cat Alvarado: [00:14:58] Yes.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:14:59] Awesome.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:15:01] No, no. But listen, that explains the abs. You know what I mean? Because. 

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:15:06] Why. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:15:07] Do Japanese people, are they known for their abs?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:15:09] No, I just Think Asian guys are more cut up in general.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:15:12] Oh,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:15:12] And he's got the ripped abs.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:15:14] Are you one Of my only fans? Dwayne.

Adamn Yenser: [00:15:19] I think it's odd that there's now this. But this town now has like a shrine to him. And like people they do ceremonies there still and stuff. Which is weird because if he didn't, if they believe he didn't die and come back, like, why are they worshiping him? He's he's just some guy.

Cat Alvarado: [00:15:34] Well, maybe he died. Well, okay, here's one thing that's always kind of like stopped me up in the story. So Jesus dies, then he comes back on the third day and then everybody's like, yeah. Then he, like, airlifted up as though a UFO, like, pulled him into the sky. And he just keeps going like Mary Poppins. Into the sky, into the sky, into the sky, into the sky. And I've always been like that seems silly. So I almost feel like even if he did die and come back on the third day, it's a lot more likely he goes to Japan than just Mary Poppins is his way into heaven.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:16:07] Right? But but here's the thing. Even if he didn't die and come back, which I think, like you said, Adam, the Japanese theory is like, oh, another guy died.

Adamn Yenser: [00:16:15] Yeah,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:16:15] But I think he still said some nice things. So they're like, well, he still was like, you know, love your neighbor and be cool. And maybe that was still kind of not the norm. And even that was that was so revolutionary that people still were like, this guy, he may not have died and come back, but he's still saying some pretty sweet, some pretty sweet stuff.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:16:33] Maybe the Japanese guy came back after three days.

Adamn Yenser: [00:16:35] He used that kill Bill punch to punch his way out of the out of the.

Cat Alvarado: [00:16:41] That's how he got out of the cave. Spoiler alert.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:16:46] Spoiler alert. So upon reaching the village, Jesus adopted a new identity and started a family. After falling in love with a woman named Miyako, he is said to have lived out his natural life ministering to those in need. When he died, his body was left exposed on a hilltop for four Years,

Cat Alvarado: [00:17:01] After which he became the Buddha. Wait.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:17:03] Yeah. Okay. That's fitting with the customs of the time. His bones were then bundled and buried in a grave that can still be visited today. He lived as a rice farmer until his death at the age of 106.

Cat Alvarado: [00:17:13] Huh.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:17:13] That's a lot. That's a lot. There.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:17:14] That's a lot.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:17:15] Yeah.

Cat Alvarado: [00:17:15] Interesting.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:17:16] I don't think he rice farmed all the way up to 106. You know.

Cat Alvarado: [00:17:18] Like at some point he got tired.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:17:21] I'm hoping he stopped rice farming, at least around 92. But, you know, who knows?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:17:24] Wait, was Jesus the first file that he had? Like he like he wanted a Japanese woman, an Asian woman, because he thought that they were exotic.

Cat Alvarado: [00:17:31] Is that what Jewish guys love Asians.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:17:35] That much? That's a good call.

Cat Alvarado: [00:17:36] Jesus was the first.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:17:38] Jesus was the first.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:17:40] He was Jewish. Yeah. And all that All lines up.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:17:43] That all Lines up. All right, that we're done, then we don't have to do anymore.

Cat Alvarado: [00:17:47] We're done. It's true. The whole thing is true. Okay. According to Smithsonian magazine.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:17:52] Wait wait wait wait. That was a real source. Smithsonian magazine. That's amazing.

Cat Alvarado: [00:17:55] Oh, wow. Say give gave your intern a pat on the back.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:17:58] Good job. Eileen. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:18:00] The key to. Shingo's Christ cult lies in a scroll purported to be Jesus's last will and testament dictated as he was dying in the village. A team discovered the scripture in 1936, which was a long time later. The manuscript, along with others allegedly unearthed by a Shinto priest around the same time, fleshed out Christ's further adventures between Judea and Japan and pinpoint Shingo as his final resting place. Curiously, these documents were destroyed during World War Two.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:18:33] What a coincidence!

Cat Alvarado: [00:18:35] Allowing it to house only modern transcriptions signed Jesus Christ, father of Christmas. Inside a glass case. Even more curiously, Jesus lived during Japan's Yayoi period, a time of rudimentary civilization with no written language. Okay, here's my theory. Can I tell you my theory already? Should I save it? Okay, I'll save it. I have My theory.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:19:04] But there has also been speculation about Jesus traveling to other places to places other than Japan. There are legends that a young Jesus traveled to Britain as a boy and lived in Somerset, England. Okay. Some versions write Joseph as a tent merchant who took Jesus under his care when his mother Mary was widowed. Others believe that Jesus traveled to Britain to study with the Druids, who were members of the high ranking priestly class that served as religious leaders. Just one thing if Mary was widowed, then that mean God died.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:19:34] Well, no, he was married to. She was married to Joseph.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:19:36] No. But they say Joseph stepped in and was like his step pops. That's what it says, right?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:19:40] Yeah. Okay.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:19:41] You're not my dad, Joe.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:19:44] Are more recent theories emerge that claim between the ages of 12 and 29. Jesus once visited India or studied with the Essenes in the Judean Desert. According to the scrolls, Jesus abandoned Jerusalem at the age of 13 and spent six years near Nalanda, the ancient seat of Hindu learning. Then he went to the Himalayas and spent time in Tibetan monasteries studying Buddhism, finally returning to Jerusalem at the age of 29. However, these ideas are generally rejected by modern mainstream scholarship for the reasons that there is no historical basis,

Cat Alvarado: [00:20:13] None whatsoever.

Adamn Yenser: [00:20:15] I do like how the the all the documentation that he supposedly wrote was all destroyed in World War two. That's how it all like when they it reminds me of the South Park about the Mormons, when he's, like translating the plates and then they're like, well, can you translate it? It's like, oh no, I lost those plates. So it's going to be different. So I was like, no, we lost the source. You just have to take my word for it.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:20:35] Such a great Episode. So now we ask ChatGPT about Jesus in Japan. And this is what it came up with. 

ChatGPT: [00:20:40] In the Mystical realm of Japan, Jesus decided to take a break from his usual divine duties and try his hand at sushi making. Armed with a chef's hat and a rolling mat, he rolled up some heavenly rolls that had locals scratching their heads in amazement. His fish and loaves roll was a true miracle, multiplying deliciousness with every bite. Soon, a local sushi master challenged him to a competition. With a wink and a smile, Jesus turned water into sake and won the day. They say his sushi skills were so divine even the fish jumped right into the rice. Japan never quite figured out where this miraculous sushi chef came from, but he left behind a trail of laughter and full bellies.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:21:22] I feel like you put in a different question, if I'm being honest.

Cat Alvarado: [00:21:26] I just love that he left behind a trail of laughter and full bellies.

Adamn Yenser: [00:21:31] It never says when he founded Christmas.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:21:33] Yeah.

Cat Alvarado: [00:21:35] I love the mention of Christmas.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:21:37] Fishes jumped into the sushi. That's like the best.

Adamn Yenser: [00:21:39] Yeah,

Cat Alvarado: [00:21:40] It's like Santa Claus.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:21:41] When I went to Japan, was a kid with my mom. One of the places we went had the shrimp or something moving its antenna, and I started screaming because I was like, it's alive, right? Because I'm this American kid. And it was like a super expensive restaurant. And my mom was so embarrassed by me. She's like, I'm never taking. I was like, I don't want to go to that place. But the food is alive, right? The food's alive. Don't want to be there.

Cat Alvarado: [00:22:01] Okay. So what do you guys think? Did Jesus really visit Japan at some point in his life? When we return, we'll put our heads together and figure out what really maybe happened. Okay, now that we've discussed the data, let's give our theories.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:22:18] Jesus. First of all, he was in Japan because. Here. Ready? Hold on. He was Japanese the whole time, but he was wearing white face when he was. Or Middle Eastern face, I guess, when he was in the Middle East. And so a lot of people think this is crazy, but I'm going to go through a list of people that are also Asian or Japanese. So okay, first, Santa's from Turkey, right? He's Asian. Okay. Jesus. Right. Obviously Kobe Bryant, Kobe, Kobe beef is Japanese as far as I know. So he's Japanese as well.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:22:50] Is it Turkey in the EU?No. I'm sorry, go ahead.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:22:52] It's technically part of Asia, the continent of Asia, right? Right right right. Tooth fairy. We all know that tooth fairy is Japanese. Tupac. We established in an earlier episode that Tupac was Japanese, right? Barack Obama, they say he's the first Asian president because he grew up in Hawaii, grew up in Indonesia. He's basically Asian and of course, the Easter Bunny. So, you know, with all that saying that, it's just basically it's a big giant conspiracy that they've they've hidden his true race and he's Japanese. Pretty simple. We should we don't have to hear your theories anymore. We already have them.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:23:22] Right?

Cat Alvarado: [00:23:22] We have the Answer.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:23:23] We have the answer.

Cat Alvarado: [00:23:24] All right, so here's my theory. My theory is that there was a village during World War two, and they were very, very scared and thought the Japanese were going to lose. And they were like, okay, how do we make sure that the Americans will be nice to us? And they're like, okay, Americans love two things Jesus and Santa Claus. How do we combine them? And so they made this whole story up and they're like, he invented Christmas. You can't possibly destroy this village. It is a historical monument to your religion. That would be sacrilege. I think it was a great attempt and I got to respect it. And that is my theory.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:24:02] I'm not. I'm not mad at that. That's a little bit like a Moses kind of story, right? Like Moses's mom giving him to the Pharaoh, you know what I mean? It has that kind of vibe.

Cat Alvarado: [00:24:10] Sure.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:24:11] I'm stuck on two, and I'm trying to pick. I'll just say this. Jesus did. He did spend a lot of time in Japan. He was originally from Jerusalem. And let's say he was the Son of God. And I'm not saying any one religion is better than the other, but the whole like monotheism. I don't know how to say it, but the whole one God thing, I think that was like, let's see if we can sort of like make them visualize God as one person and maybe they'll treat each other better. And then it didn't work. So he kind of he spent his time in Japan, and then God was like, hey, man, you got to go back. And then he came back again as Muhammad. And then it's like, you got to go back. And he came back again as Buddha. And then they're like, oh, okay, last ditch effort. Leave these plates upstate New York and maybe they'll find them. And so his basically he did all those things just to get us to sort of play nice together. Like he thought his job was done and God was like, well, you can come to heaven or you can kick it in Japan. He was like, oh man, Fuji is great. He did spend that first life near Mount Fuji, but he came back a few other times and basically he just thought of all the major religions, even even Buddhism, which doesn't really like flow up to like the same God, but definitely Christianity, Islam, Judaism.

Cat Alvarado: [00:25:19] I mean, he could have just come back over and over and over and over again, like ad infinitum, because like Hinduism has like 400 or more gods, if I'm not mistaken. So that could have just all of them were Jesus just over. And he's like, this time I'm a woman with eight arms. What's up like?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:25:34] But now if he comes back, he's just he just helps me work it out, because if he comes back now, he either has to be like, okay, this is it. This is the end of the world. We're just going to figure out who gets to heaven, or people are going to think he's the Antichrist, so he really can't come back anymore.

Cat Alvarado: [00:25:48] It's possible he is coming back and it's just not going as well. Like, I don't know if you guys saw that documentary about Mother God and then like, she ends up dying of colloidal silver poisoning and then they have her body as a shrine.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:25:59] Wait, what?

Adamn Yenser: [00:26:00] What? That sounds like a whole other episode.

Cat Alvarado: [00:26:02] Yeah, it is A whole other episode. But there are hella cults out there. And I'm saying it's like Jesus kept coming back, and it's just, like, going awry now. It doesn't work.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:26:13] Dwayne how do you explain the Church of Scientology? Is that Jesus to L Ron Hubbard?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:26:17] No, no. That's just a failed science fiction writer.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:26:21] Okay?

Adamn Yenser: [00:26:23] Like he justifies all the other ones. And it's like, no, that one's just crazy.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:26:26] No offense to anyone who is one. You know.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:26:31] I was walking by the Scientology building with my son the other day, and I said, because of the whole alien disclosure thing that happened earlier in the summer and all, I was like, what if they're right? And here we are. We're making we made fun of them. We thought they were crazy. And then they were actually right the whole time. You know, that would kind of throw our whole thing.

Cat Alvarado: [00:26:47] Have you guys seen The Good Place, the show, The Good Place? So it takes place in, in the afterlife and like, this girl is like in God's office and she's like, so who was right? And he's like, oh, a guy named Dave. He was tripping on mushrooms.

Adamn Yenser: [00:26:59] Yeah.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:27:01] That's funny.

Cat Alvarado: [00:27:01] He got It right.

Cat Alvarado: [00:27:02] All right. Adam, what's your theory?

Adamn Yenser: [00:27:03] So, you know, sort of similar to what Dwayne said, except I don't see it as Jesus came back in all those places, I think. I think, I mean, I'm a Christian. I believe Jesus came to earth, died, was resurrected. I think all these stories where it's like, no, Jesus went to India and Hindus will claim he's an avatar of Krishna or oh no, he went to Japan when during those lost years and he learned from Buddha. And the Mormons are like, oh no, he was talking to the Native Americans. I feel like a lot of people, whether they're Christian or not, whether they're religious or not, they read the the teachings of Jesus and whether or not you believe he was God or you're a Christian. Like there's a lot of wisdom here. There's a lot of really good moral teachings. There's a lot of good philosophical teachings. There's a lot of good teachings about how we should treat each other. And so I think it's different groups trying to claim, no, Jesus, you know, he said this, but he was really preaching our religion or he was really affirming what we believe. So I think that's the root of a lot of these stories and then mean specifically how that story came up in Japan. I mean, maybe there was an Itsekiri and he was just an embarrassment to his family and he disappeared. So his family was like, no, no, you guys don't know. Itsekiri. Wait till you hear what happened to Itsekiri. He was on the cross. He was. He was the one. You guys are going to believe this. And they made up this whole story. And then, you know, conveniently now it's a big money making tourist attraction for this town.

Cat Alvarado: [00:28:22] Okay, so now we're at the point in the show where we need to pick the unofficial official story, one that will once and for all answer the question. And what do you guys think? Which theory do we agree with? What's the vote?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:28:32] I think we all agree that he was probably Japanese, so that's what I vote for.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:28:37] Well, I like that he came back as as different people. But also I don't want to like have Jesus co-opt these other religions, even though they're they're all cousins of each other and they all are praying to the same God. It's just we're arguing over who's the prophet, right? And I don't like to be too cynical, but I do like cats. I like that,

Adamn Yenser: [00:28:55] I like cats. Also. 

Dwayne Perkins: [00:28:56] That Japan pivoted and they were like, hey man, you can't keep bombing us. Jesus was here. Bombing was, Jesus was.

Adamn Yenser: [00:29:03] And they combined Jesus and Santa Claus. It's like, look, he said he's the father of Christmas.

Cat Alvarado: [00:29:08] Or Like and he's eating a McDonald's burger. There's don't you love it? I vote for myself as well. Oh my God, it's the first time I think that I've won. This is Great. I'm so excited. So there you have it, guys. That is the official story. We'll take another break and when we return, we'll talk about some miracles.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:29:32] In Matthew 1413 of the Bible, Jesus multiplies five loaves of bread and two fish to feed over 5000 people with leftovers. If you could ask Jesus for one miracle, what would it be?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:29:45] I would love that he could bring our country together again. I just feel like we're I know it's it's kind of sentimental, but I do feel like we're, you know, we're really, really separated. I remember during 9/11 when 9/11 happened, the whole country was like, you know, we're a part of New York, right? You could be in Oklahoma or California or anywhere, and everyone was a New Yorker. But I just don't feel don't feel that anymore. You know, if there's like a fires in California, it was like, oh, they're liberals. They should be killed. Or, you know, conversely, if something happens in another in a state that's not liberal, some of the liberals say mean things about those people deserve it or something. And we're American and want us to be American again. And I'm super sad that, you know, we could live in a country that is going to disintegrate right in front of not maybe, maybe not my my time, but my son's time and my son's son's time. And it's just not going to be great if if we live in that kind of country.

Cat Alvarado: [00:30:33] Oh my gosh, want to double down on that? I was just talking to to my boyfriend today about how we miss the 90s. It was just such a simpler time. Cold War was over. We weren't worried about nukes anymore and 9/11 hadn't happened yet. And so everybody like, liked each other and like the furthest distance really for for people on the political right and left was like taxes.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:30:52] Yeah. I mean, I'd even love Bush, but I never thought he didn't like me.

Cat Alvarado: [00:30:56] Yeah.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:30:56] I want to live in a country where even if you don't agree with me that we could be we could, we could be together and we could have a civil conversations have, you know, I'm very liberal, but I have a lot of conservative friends, and that's okay. And like, it's just that, you know, like, I don't want like, I don't hate them because they're conservative. Like, they shouldn't hate me just because I'm liberal. You know,

Cat Alvarado: [00:31:10] I agree with that

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:31:11] We can agree on certain things. I think. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:31:12] I heard there was a documentary about the Covid response and it said something like that. They slowed down the response to California and New York because they were liberal states, and they were kind of like, well, screw them. And I don't know the degree to which that is true, although I personally think it's true. But, you know, I'm not going to make you guys believe a documentary you didn't see. But the fact that it is believable, I think, speaks to where we're at in this country right now, which is cringe. So I'm double, I'm doubling down on Koji's wish for America to be together again.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:31:45] Adam, do you want to go?

Adamn Yenser: [00:31:46] Yeah. Wish all the liberals would disappear.

Cat Alvarado: [00:31:50] If we disappear, it's because We get raptured up and y'all get left behind. Boom.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:31:54] That would be ironic if the liberals were raptured.

Adamn Yenser: [00:31:57] No. No. It's hard. You know, when I was thinking about the miracles. Because I feel like any miracle that I've ever prayed for has always been for like, you know, apart from, like, you know, bringing people together nationally or globally, it's just like, like healing or, you know, prayers for someone who's, you know, going through something in their personal life or their health issues. You know, those tend to be the only, you know, miracles that I really pray for. I think if there's anything that would like magically like educate everyone, I was trying to think like what would be like an amazing way would be if everyone, if everyone alive could have the knowledge of every book, every ever written, like if everyone just if you just had all the like, all the history, all the philosophy, just so that everyone was coming to everything from like the same point of understanding.

Cat Alvarado: [00:32:40] I hear what you're saying, but I feel like the practical version of that would be that we all become like, really confusing AIS, like, just like a messed up ChatGPT. And then we make even less sense. 

Adamn Yenser: [00:32:50] And we mispronounce sake.

Cat Alvarado: [00:32:53] And that concludes the episode. Thank you, Adam, for coming on with us. Please tell us where people can follow you.

Adamn Yenser: [00:32:59] Yeah, this was a blast. Thank you guys so much for having me. Yeah, you can follow me on YouTube. My channel is Adam Yenser. I have a weekly satirical kind of news show I do called The Cancel News, and you can see my upcoming standup dates at Adam yenser.com.

Cat Alvarado: [00:33:11] And thank you guys all so much for listening. There are almost 3 million podcasts out there, and we're honored you've chosen ours to listen to. Please check out our website, unofficial Official story.com for our show notes, or to hear our past episodes, and be sure to follow us on Instagram and TikTok. Be sure to come back next month. Where we'll answer the question, Was Michael Jackson chemically castrated as a teen?

Adamn Yenser: [00:33:38] Oh man.  All I got was, Did Jesus go to Japan?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:33:41] Right? Right. Michael Jackson come on, man, come on.

Cat Alvarado: [00:33:48] I think if you've seen the Oprah documentary. No was the answer. That's dark anyways.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:33:56] Bye. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:33:56] Bye, you guys.