S4E1 What If the Aliens Wrote the Bible with Comedian Nick Guerra

Dwayne Perkins: [00:00:00] If we found a planet with beings that were lower than us and wanted to found a religion, what would be your number one tenet?

Cat Alvarado: [00:00:07] I go with the basic don't be an asshole. That's the number one tenet of any religion, right? At least it should be. What do you guys think?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:00:14] Mine would be that, uh, Asian people are the most important people.

Nick Guerra: [00:00:18] There you go.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:00:19] Well, for me, I think, I mean, obviously the one tenet I would go with is the golden rule, which is probably the only one any religion, any people need do unto others as you would have them do unto you. But if not that one, or maybe in addition to that one, or a sub like a B version of that one would be Dwayne is always right.

Nick Guerra: [00:00:38] Hahaha I don't know, Dwayne's sounds just like basic Christianity.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:00:45] What it's supposed to be yeah yeah. 

Nick Guerra: [00:00:47] Yeah yeah. You didn't do anything, man. You did nothing. Yeah. What would I do? What would be my thing for religion? That's a good question. I'd probably be like, yeah, don't do unto others. Don't. That would be it too. I guess it's Christianity, man. Never mind. That's very unoriginal to me too. It would, you know what it'd be like. Just get out of other people's way. Yeah. Don't hurt anyone and get them. Get out of your out of out of people's way. 

Dwayne Perkins: [00:01:12] Get out of the way. Absolutely. That's that's big. Oh, you know what else I didn't say before, but this might be a tenant of mine. And that is anyone who lies for no reason. Like no discernible reason. The lie doesn't gain them an advantage. Like they've got to be severely punished. That's the weirdest thing. It's almost like an LA thing. Maybe I'm wrong about that, but yeah, people will lie for no reason. In addition to frustrating me, it befuddles me and I'm all day. I'm like, why did they say that lie?

Cat Alvarado: [00:01:41] Oh my gosh, I've met people like that. It's really bad. I once had an ex-boyfriend who lied about playing musical instruments. Like he said, he played ten musical instruments for no reason. He got found out because at some point we were doing a musical sketch, and I said something about, like the actual notes, like, yeah, this is an A minor. And he was like, what? And I was like, oh no.

Nick Guerra: [00:02:00] And those. But he was like, oh, and I don't know your ten musical instruments. I know, right? I know the theremin.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:02:08] Right. Right. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:02:11] There made up. He knows the kazoo, the kazoo one.

Nick Guerra: [00:02:14] Right. There's really no scales in the kazoo.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:02:17] Um, also, there's an East African instrument called the knickknack. I play that, please don't Google that. You won't find it.

Nick Guerra: [00:02:25] Yeah, I know the, uh, the thing that makes the cartoons sound like they're wiggly. Long whistle or whatever.

Cat Alvarado: [00:02:37] Those are my those my instruments. Why did he have to lie about that? Did you guys ever watch that Dateline thing about the doctor who was replacing people's tracheas? But he wasn't a real doctor.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:02:48] Yeah, that was also a Netflix special.

Cat Alvarado: [00:02:49] Yeah, yeah, he also lied about that. He said he played the piano. He also said he knew Obama and Oprah. Clinton.

Nick Guerra: [00:02:57] Oh, we all know Obama. Are those really lies. We all know Oprah and Obama. We know them right?

Cat Alvarado: [00:03:03] And know who they are.

Nick Guerra: [00:03:04] I play an instrument, uh, myself. I'm an instrument of God. So you know.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:03:09] Yeah. Yeah, right. You know, it's like that that movie Don't Look Up, which I really love that movie. A lot of people didn't like it. It seemed like it was split half and half like half. The people loved it. And I was in that half, and the other half hated it for some reason. But there's a scene in that movie where they're in the white House, you know, they're trying to tell them that they need to fix this problem, and they're in there with a general and he, like, makes them pay for Cheez-Its. He literally charges them for Cheez-Its. And then later on, they find out the Cheez-Its are free. It's like, yeah, this is the white House. You don't have to buy Cheez-Its and like, the whole rest of the movie, like they're trying to deal with their problem, but they can't get it out of their head. This question like, why did he lie about that? Why did he charge us for the Cheez-Its?

Nick Guerra: [00:03:51] That's funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:03:52] That was my favorite part.

Nick Guerra: [00:03:53] Yeah, man. I think people, uh, didn't like that movie because they thought it was going to be a thriller. They didn't know that. It was like a dark comedy. And, uh, that you got to blame, uh, Netflix for marketing. Wrong. You know, they had the wrong tenant because movie trailers, they lie to you too, man. You know, because you see somebody like Leo DiCaprio, you don't think he's going to do a dark comedy. You think they're doing a legit oh, this is the end of the world thriller kind of thing.

Cat Alvarado: [00:04:17] I've never seen the movie and I I'm just finding out it's a comedy myself.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:04:21] I thought people. Didn't like it. Because they were kind of making fun of half our country.

Nick Guerra: [00:04:25] I think that was the point. Yeah, I think people really thought that it was going to be a thriller.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:04:29] Okay.

Nick Guerra: [00:04:30] Like they thought it was going to be like like, uh, the day after tomorrow.

Cat Alvarado: [00:04:36] Well. Welcome, welcome, welcome. This is season four, episode one of the award winning unofficial official story I'm Cat.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:04:44] I'm Dwyane, and.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:04:45] I am Koji.

Cat Alvarado: [00:04:46] And this is where we tell you the official story. We look at the paranormal conspiracies, unexplained phenomena, cryptids, and true crime. And then by the end, we'll tell you what really maybe happened. In March, we celebrate Easter and Easter marks the resurrection of Jesus three days after his crucifixion. And we're celebrating the holiday by asking the very important and often unasked question, did aliens write the Bible? But first, let's introduce our guest. You've already heard him, comedian Nick Guerra. Nick is definitely a comedian that will catch you off guard.

Nick Guerra: [00:05:26] Oh, don't read my bio. Oh, no, don't do that to them. Oh my God. No, do not read. That is not been.

Cat Alvarado: [00:05:33] Described by his fans. That is a hilarious soul cleansing experience, soul cleansing. Nick. Wow,

Nick Guerra: [00:05:40] I didn't write that you know what that that that's the thing. Where did you get this bio from. 

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:05:45] Your website?

Nick Guerra: [00:05:46] Oh man, I gotta go in there and see what who wrote that? Because that was not right.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:05:50] Right? Right.

Nick Guerra: [00:05:51] I would never claim to be soul cleansing at all.

Cat Alvarado: [00:05:54] Nick has been on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. He has a dry bar special. I'm just getting it out there.

Nick Guerra: [00:05:59] Oh, man. You know, I do want to say that if there was anything that described Dwayne Perkins, it is the idea of unofficial official. I feel like every conversation I've had with Dwayne kind of is in that, in that realm of thinking.

Cat Alvarado: [00:06:14] He's also been on Comedy Central Stand-Up Revolution with Gabriel Iglesias.

Nick Guerra: [00:06:19] Oh my God, you are going for it.

Cat Alvarado: [00:06:21] On NBC's Last Comic Standing, I did it you don't challenge me, I will.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:06:27] Cat doesn't get paid if she doesn't read that, I guess.

Nick Guerra: [00:06:29] Yeah, I guess so. Man, I guess so. Nothing is worse than hearing your own bio. It's just it to me, it's it's, uh, it's soul crushing.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:06:40] It's actually worse when the bio is wrong. Or the bio is, like really, really old.

Nick Guerra: [00:06:43] Yeah. I don't know who put soul cleansing. Now I got to go look at that because I that must have been added and I'm the one that edits it, so maybe I, I did it at some point.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:06:53] Yeah. What is soul cleansing experience mean?

Nick Guerra: [00:06:55] I have no idea. Like I don't promise anything to people on stage.

Cat Alvarado: [00:07:01] That is true. When I introduced Nick, he's like, don't even tell them I'm funny. Just be like, your next comedian is Nick Guerra.

Nick Guerra: [00:07:07] Yep. That's it. It's like, do not, don't, don't give them any hope. And that's but you can't put that in a bio because then then everyone's like we can't say that. It's like don't hope for anything. Nick Guerra .

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:07:20] How did you get into comedy?

Nick Guerra: [00:07:21] Oh man. We're not gonna go into the history of Nick, are we?

Cat Alvarado: [00:07:25] Yeah, let's do it.

Nick Guerra: [00:07:26] Like anybody. I, uh, I paid for parking and I went into a club. But I almost didn't. It was the first time I ever paid for parking in my life. And if it wasn't for my friend who actually paid for it, I probably would have never done it.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:07:41] How much was the parking?

Nick Guerra: [00:07:42] $0.25. We had to go look for, uh, a meter. And I was like, uh, you know what? Let's just leave. I used to I mean, that's how I was. I was like, I can't go anywhere where there's a meter. I can't I can't live this city life.

Cat Alvarado: [00:07:53] How old were you?

Nick Guerra: [00:07:54] Uh, 20, 22, 23? Probably.

Cat Alvarado: [00:07:56] Okay.

Nick Guerra: [00:07:57] But I come from South Texas. There's no parking meters there. My religion is based on all the best parts of monopoly. Take a chance. Community chest parking is free. If you. If you pass the life. If you pass one year, you collect $200. That's what. That's what it would be.

Cat Alvarado: [00:08:15] Okay, I have a question. What was the first joke you ever wrote or did on stage?

Nick Guerra: [00:08:22] I wrote this whole bit about the word melancholy because I was a big fan of, uh, George Carlin, and I thought the idea of standup was about breaking down words. And what do words really mean? So I wrote like a five, six minute bit where I was like, melancholy is such a ridiculous word. It's like I'm kind of happy, but I'm not. It's like you find out that you didn't lock your car and nothing was broken in. It's like, oh wow, great, I have a shitty car. It was just back and forth like that. It's like finding out that you have a girlfriend that loves giving blow jobs, like, well, wait a minute. How did she find out she loved giving blow jobs? That's melancholy. So, you know,

Cat Alvarado: [00:08:57] Okay,

Nick Guerra: [00:08:57] It was that for like, seven minutes? Because I thought that's what you had to do as a stand up, like, oh, we're gonna break down words and, uh, and figure out examples about words.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:09:08] That's pretty ambitious out the gate.

Cat Alvarado: [00:09:10] Right? That is.

Nick Guerra: [00:09:11] Yeah.

Cat Alvarado: [00:09:11] That's promising.

Nick Guerra: [00:09:12] Well, you know, so I wrote that out, and then I did it at a stand up contest that was judged. I now realize that the judges were like two year open mikers.

Cat Alvarado: [00:09:22] Uh, was it the World Series of Comedy in Vegas?

Nick Guerra: [00:09:25] No, no no no no, it was in Dallas. But in my mind, you know, they were legit. They were comedians and they hated that bit. They were like, if I have to hear melancholy again, they were livid, and I have now surpassed them 100 times over in my career. And I'm like, you know what? I'm bringing back melancholy. It was a well written bit.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:09:47] Well, you know, what's crazy about that is when when it was clear that you had surpassed him in that moment, they became melancholy.

Nick Guerra: [00:09:54] You know. Yeah, they were melancholy. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. It was guys that that, you know, they're in it for two years. They think they're great and they quit. But and but they quit like I did it I achieved and they, they still think they're great at stand up. You know what I'm saying. They never touch it again. But they're like I did it. I got out before I, before I really failed as basically before I took a chance.

Cat Alvarado: [00:10:14] Yeah I know people like that for sure. That's real.

Nick Guerra: [00:10:17] Yeah.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:10:17] I think that's like all the studio readers who, uh, they give you, like, these crazy notes about your script.

Nick Guerra: [00:10:22] Yeah.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:10:22] And then they act like they're so much better. And I'm like, well, if you were so much better, why are you reading these scripts? Why aren't you writing your own script?

Nick Guerra: [00:10:28] Yeah. That's exactly it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right now we have a lot of, uh, experts that that have never touched a thing. And, uh, you know, this is going to sound kind of, uh, ridiculous, but podcast listeners. Especially comedy podcast listeners, oh, man. Filled with experts that have never touched the thing.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:10:49] The reason why our listeners don't fit into that is because we're not experts either. So it's like, this is a. 

Nick Guerra: [00:10:55] No, you're not doing, Stan. You're not doing a stand up podcast.

Cat Alvarado: [00:10:57] That's true. We're just. 

Nick Guerra: [00:10:59] I'm talking about people that like, listen to stand up podcasts, and then they're like, you know, uh, they said that you, uh, you should never do an act out, uh, or you should. Your knee should never touch the ground. Dumb rules like that, you know, which which exist in these Bitter Comics podcast, uh, lexicon. You know, like I saw somebody say, ask what a middle was. And they were like, oh, a middle is somebody who, uh, who doesn't have enough, uh, professionalism to make it as a headliner. I was like, no, no middle somebody that's not famous enough.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:11:29] Yeah.

Nick Guerra: [00:11:31] There's a lot of good. I still middle from time to time.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:11:34] That's wild.

Cat Alvarado: [00:11:35] I heard someone say with full confidence the other day, you should always just go for the joke, even if it's not true. And. And that is the opposite rule of good comedy in my.

Nick Guerra: [00:11:46] Hey, I told you that in the car driving Brea. All right? You don't have to. Call me out like that. All right? I provide a soul cleansing experience. Okay.

Cat Alvarado: [00:11:59] All right, well, let's get to it. Uh, let's let's get to the main podcast.

Nick Guerra: [00:12:03] Yes, let's do it.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:12:04] What if beings from another planet planted the Judeo-Christian religion on Earth? What if the aliens created man in their image? And what if we suppose the angels are really just beings from a more advanced society? In this episode, we did a deep dive in the 1973 book The Bible and Flying Saucers by Barry H. Downing.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:12:23] I just want to say I read this whole book. It's like 200 pages. I mean, it's not that it's 200 pages. 

Dwayne Perkins: [00:12:28] Get out.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:12:28] It's a long book about something that was very ridiculous. All right. But according to the book, what are some of the proof that the aliens influenced the Bible? So let's start with the Old Testament in Exodus, pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night. Could that be a UFO that led the Hebrew people out of Egypt via voice from a bush, parted the Red sea, led them through the wilderness, and then gave them the Ten Commandments. The voice for a bush is something that we can do today. Just, you know, you can put a phone there, and I'm pretty sure the aliens could do it back then. And then this is a quote from the Bible. The Lord went before them by day in a pillar of cloud, to lead them along the way, and by night in a pillar of fire, to give them light, that they might travel by day and by night. That's from Exodus 1321. So, you know, maybe that's a UFO. And according to Barry Downing, if a modern UFO were anxious to cause something like the parting of the Red sea, it would probably use an anti-gravitational beam, because of course it would, or something like an anti g beam to move the water back while in the wilderness the aliens apparently fed them. So here's the quote for that. And when the dew had gone up, there was on the face of the wilderness of fine flake like thing, fine as hoarfrost on the ground. When the people of Israel saw it, they said to one another, what is it which eventually was known as manna, for they did not know what it was. That's from Exodus 1614 and 1615. It's a lot.

Cat Alvarado: [00:13:44] That is a lot.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:13:45] Yeah

Dwayne Perkins: [00:13:46] yeah. But you're right, though, the burning bush could just be a baby monitor at this point.

Cat Alvarado: [00:13:53] Continuing in the Old Testament with Abraham and Jacob and the Lord appeared to him, Abraham by the oaks of Mamre, as he sat at the door of his tent in the heat of the day, he lifted up his eyes and looked, and behold, three men stood in front of him. Maybe they aren't angels, but aliens, that there was a ladder set up on the earth, and on top of it reached to heaven. And behold, the angels of God were ascending and descending on it. I feel like I've definitely seen pictures like this at my grandma's house. Anyways, that's Genesis 2812.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:14:30] Maybe she was praying to aliens, right?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:14:32] Maybe right. I know that's Bible talk, but when you first said. Just sounded like maybe they were rednecks back in the biblical time that there was a ladder. But anyway.

Nick Guerra: [00:14:42] Uh, that's that's all of history. It is really just a bunch of rednecks. Hey, what are you injins? I think we landed in India. Your Indians, you know.

Cat Alvarado: [00:14:52] Gosh. It's true.

Nick Guerra: [00:14:54] It's very redneck to just just call somebody something they aren't and just. That's it.

Cat Alvarado: [00:14:58] These are angels, and they're like, we're aliens. Angels. It is.

Cat Alvarado: [00:15:01] Angels.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:15:02] Well, actually, what's interesting is that from the reading was that there's in the Bible, and I never really noticed this when I read the Bible many, many moons ago. But it's they never actually mentioned angels, and they never say they don't have wings or anything or anything like that. That's all kind of a that's from like drawings and paintings and stuff and people's perceptions. But it's actually for the most part, they never say anything like that in the Bible. So I thought that was kind of interesting.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:15:23] Right right.

Cat Alvarado: [00:15:24] So who knows, maybe that thing wasn't a ladder, but it was actually like a beam from a mothership.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:15:29] Yeah. There you go.

Nick Guerra: [00:15:30] Well, that's what that's what a pillar of, uh, fire sounds like. And what was the other one? A pillar of clouds. So at night, of course, a beam looks like fire. And in the day, it looks like clouds.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:15:39] Yeah, exactly.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:15:40] Moving to the New Testament. This is my beloved son, with whom I am well pleased. We heard this voice born from heaven. For we were with him on the holy mountain. That's Peter 116 to 318. You can just use speakers right for that now. And an angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were filled with fear. Luke two nine. The aliens helped the shepherds find baby Jesus. Sounds like the aliens helped the shepherds find baby Jesus, for an angel of the Lord descended from heaven and came and rolled back the stone and sat upon it. His appearance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow. And for fear of him the guards trembled and became like dead men. But the angel said to the women, do not be afraid, for I know that you seek Jesus who was crucified. He is not here, for he has risen as he said, come, see the place where he lay. Then go quickly and tell his disciples that he is risen from the dead. Matthew 28 one through seven. And uh, raiment white as snow, raiment are clothes. So he it was like a puff Daddy. All white party or something. Angels or aliens. Notice that none of the angels have wings.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:16:47] We would be remiss not to mention the fact that most Bible scholars do not believe these are proof that aliens influence the Bible.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:16:53] We would be.

Cat Alvarado: [00:16:58] But what does ChatGPT think? Chatgpt did the aliens do it?

ChatGPT: [00:17:03] The idea that aliens wrote the Bible is not supported by historical or scholarly evidence. The Bible is a collection of religious texts considered sacred by Judaism and Christianity, and its origins are traditionally attributed to human authors inspired by divine revelation. The Old Testament, for example, includes texts that were written by various individuals over centuries, reflecting the religious and cultural contexts of ancient Israel.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:17:29] I think ChatGPT, we need to try that one more time, but let's get a better version of it in a cosmic library.

ChatGPT: [00:17:36] Benevolent extraterrestrials crafted The Galactic Chronicles A Guide to Universal Peace to impart wisdom to Earth. They encoded the cosmic truths in a sacred text to Earth's Bible, centuries passed, revealing glimpses of extraterrestrial influence as humanity sought meaning in the celestial words, unaware of their cosmic origin.

Cat Alvarado: [00:17:57] I like that one better.

Nick Guerra: [00:17:59] I don't, I like the first one better, and I and I'm going to tell you why, man, if we start to believe that the aliens wrote the Bible influenced all this, and that we are really giving humanity no credit at all for any creativity, any, any, uh, willpower. Everything we do is is for an alien life force because I, you know, the idea of, like, are we a lush planet? Is this a planet Earth, a prison farm for for energy created by carbon beings that that alien entities. Uh, take. So I I'll get more into that if there's no more.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:18:35] It's nice. Well, you know, it feels like whenever there's some sort of, uh, landmark that's prehistoric, and that landmark exists where people are supposedly less advanced than Europeans, then it's got to be aliens.

Nick Guerra: [00:18:48] Exactly. Yeah. You know, I remember back in the day, I heard somebody tell me that they thought that Mexican doctors would be worse than American doctors just because of of the their perceived notion of, of the stereotypes of Mexicans. They're like, oh, I just thought they'd be dumber. And it's like, what? You know. So you're right, like when people look at others as, oh, there's no way you could do this because you're you're supposed to be savages. You're supposed to be stupid, you know?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:19:16] Well, they've also said that nothing good has come out from outside of Europe, right? Which is crazy because geometry was created in North America or the Americas. It was created in Asia. It was created africa was created in Europe.

Cat Alvarado: [00:19:27] Didn't the Arabs come up with, uh, algebra.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:19:30] And the number system?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:19:31] Yeah,

Nick Guerra: [00:19:31] Yeah, it was actually Prince Ali that, uh, of Alibaba. Boy.

Cat Alvarado: [00:19:38] From Aladdin.

Nick Guerra: [00:19:39] Yes, yes, he's the one. Yeah. If you listen to the song, he did all kinds of things like create geometry.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:19:48] Roman numerals were just. Just not not great. I mean.

Nick Guerra: [00:19:52] Yeah. Yeah, they were bad letter.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:19:55] All right, it's time to put on our thinking caps. Did aliens influence the Bible? When we return, we'll settle this once and for all and figure out what. Really? Maybe happened.

Cat Alvarado: [00:20:08] Now that we reviewed the evidence, let's give our theories

Dwayne Perkins: [00:20:12] To piggyback on what Nick was saying. Like giving aliens the credit is kind of like a catch, a catch all, you know, almost a cop out of sorts. Here's what I'm thinking. So the Bible was going to be written either way. And it was. People wrote things and they're like, that sounds good, that sounds good. And this is how people should live. It's almost like we were working on this collective manifesto, right? But when you have these instances of these weird supernatural things, they're not aliens. They are humans from the future who time traveled back and did some shit. Because I'm sure we've all thought, like, I've always thought like, man, if I could go back 2000 years with a lighter, they'd probably be like, oh my God, this guy's got fire in his hand, you know? So now I know, where's the time machine? What happened with it? I think that a few people came back. They probably broke some major rules that they weren't supposed to alter the timeline. And maybe, you know, that the time machine has been broken since. But I do think, um. So these weren't aliens. It was just it was humans who sort of came back in time. Either they wanted to rewrite history or change the course of things, and they came back. Um, which is why sometimes I think when I think of these, like all the pyramids that are in all different parts of the world, it makes me think they didn't come back far enough to, like, reset everything. Um, that's why some things still exist. But. So humans were on this path, and we're going to do everything we're going to do regardless. And I just think people have traveled back in time to sort of either, um, change who we worship or change who gets the credit for it or whatever.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:21:38] Uh, mine is that aliens did the aliens did actually influence the Bibles because, uh, so they have this social network platform that they want to they've been wanting to sell to us for a very long time. And, uh, so they wanted to kind of shape us and grow us and get us ready for it. And they were planning to release it in 2025, because back when the Bible 2000 years ago, the Bible, we weren't ready to buy the stuff that they wanted us to sell. So they used the Bible to shape us as a as a society to get to the point when we're ready to do it. What about you?

Cat Alvarado: [00:22:08] So mine is. Yes, it's also aliens for sure, but it's valient Thor's guys. Okay, so for those who've been following the podcast, you guys already know who Valient Thorr is. But for those who don't know, Valient Thorr because you're new here. He was this alien who came and met with President Eisenhower and basically told him that we all needed to stop fighting and we need to chill on the Cold War stuff and kind of take care of the Earth. It was a lot of like, good stuff like that. And Eisenhower listened to him and like, Valient Thorr like kind of like lived on planet Earth. And they were always like kind of giving hippie dippy messages. That's valient thorr. And also, I think we think Valient Thorr is like Swedish or Swiss or something, because he seems very Nordic.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:22:53] Yeah, they're called Nordics, the Nordic aliens.

Cat Alvarado: [00:22:55] So that's who I think these guys are. I think they're the Nordic aliens going back. And because they are kind of giving those sorts of of messages like be good to each other type things, like he gave them the Ten Commandments, that's very valient thorr vibe. So,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:23:11] So. Basically two aliens, just one is the Thor type. You specify your aliens by Koji.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:23:17] Yeah. They're just they're just selling Asians. They're Asians that are aliens that sell.

Cat Alvarado: [00:23:25] Are you saying it's the Chinese? Secretly?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:23:28] It could be the Chinese. Yeah, it could be the Chinese.

Nick Guerra: [00:23:31] Is it? Isn't there a racist theory that Asians are aliens? Somewhere out there?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:23:35] There is actually. Yeah. The gray aliens. Yeah. The gray aliens are known as, uh, Asians because they're hairless and they're small and they're like robots. They don't have, like, their own mind. Yeah,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:23:45] And they constantly crashing spaceships. No, that's not true.

Nick Guerra: [00:23:50] There you go. See, I like how Koji left that part out.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:23:55] Right?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:23:58] Nick, what's your theory?

Nick Guerra: [00:23:59] Um. I mean, it's listening to your guys theories, and then I kind of have, uh, you know, because I've. Like I said, I've dived into this topic on different things. Dwayne's theory reminds me of of resaving a document. Whereas when you change a document, uh, the document doesn't know it's been changed once it's resaved, it doesn't remember the past. And you can keep changing it as much as you want to change it. You are the time machine of that document. You are changing it. Its past, its future, its middle to fix to you. So I don't think a time machine would be broken. It's just we would never notice if it's still changing. I mean, for all we know, it's changing right now. Right.

Cat Alvarado: [00:24:38] Mhm. Mhm.

Nick Guerra: [00:24:39] And uh, there is that idea that the Kat Williams Joe Rogan podcast theory that, uh, you know, there was a more modern civilization back in the day that was destroyed by, uh, Earth changing event. And we have remnants of their technology and their thought, how they built a society still sitting around which might, you know, be the reasons for pyramids and things like that. The Bible might just be a big self-help book, the way you guys are saying it like. Think about it, if aliens may have left a big self-help book and were just we're just worshipping it like it's a religious thing, you know, and that we've shaped and continue to shape. And it was really just a great manual on how to be a better person. But once man gets a hold of of instructions on being a better person, of course they're going to change it to like, well, yeah, we'll be a better person. And also, you know, nobody eat shrimp, you know, and also, you know, women, women can't really do much, you know what I'm saying. Because that's man putting his touch on it for, for the time.

Cat Alvarado: [00:25:37] So do you think it's. What do you think. So is it aliens?

Cat Alvarado: [00:25:39] So if I was going to say it's aliens. Aliens would we? Humanity is a is an aggressive, superstitious species. And we found a way to split an atom, which we should not have done. Because you're not supposed to be able to break an atom. It created a massive amount of energy which sent out a signal to whatever it may be out there saying, oh no, this species that we thought were stupid and dumb because they were on planet Earth, so they were supposed to be dumber than us should. It never figured out how to split an atom. But guess what they did right? Uh, there is the idea of of planet Earth being a loose farm. Everything that we are is is energy. Everything about us. The sound waves to to our bodies, it's all atoms, uh, bouncing back. So we create a certain amount of energy. So there's the belief that we, uh, we're planet that harvests energy, that may be alien life forms. Take a little bit from now.

Cat Alvarado: [00:26:35] Oh, I have a new theory. You finish yours.

Nick Guerra: [00:26:37] So you know how there's different oil companies right out there, then? Oil's basically the same. But different oil companies have different ownership of different parts of the land. Well, different religions have different ownership on parts of humanity. So the think of like alien species treating us like separate, like Christianity is an oil plant, Judaism is an oil plant. What are some of the other ones that Muslims they're an oil plant of energy. Right. And so that certain alien group sends down muses to inspire us, to get us happy, to get us fearful, to create energy, to get us to respond, to get us to interact, to put us in in churches or mosques together, to have all this energy sparked so that they could collect it in little bits, you know? And, uh, there we are, being influenced by aliens to react, to be happy, to be sad, to be angry because it's all energy, it's all constant, continuous energy to move. We were told about money so that we would work. So we would keep producing and moving and and bumping into each other, creating this constant flow of energy. So that's how I look at it, as if, yes, aliens may have created religion just so that they could have their version of our energy. Well, I you know what I tap into? I tap into Christian energy. That's that's where my source comes from. That's where my, my house gets powered.

Cat Alvarado: [00:28:02] So if I had to, like, distill this into like the really like simple cartoon version, it's like there's aliens and then like which who like when we pray, they're like getting the energy and they're like, yeah, they pray to Jesus. That's us,

Nick Guerra: [00:28:15] That's us. So that that's the loosh. That's my loosh farm conspiracy.

Cat Alvarado: [00:28:20] Farm conspiracy. Okay.

Nick Guerra: [00:28:21] But the thing I hate about that theory is, like I said earlier, it paints us as nothing. Everything we do is, is, is something else. Everything we do is inspired by others, which it kind of is. They say in our stomach, the biomes are actually what make us do what we do. All those little tiny organisms that live in us and make us like, hey, eat more carbs because we like it. Hey, do this because we like it, you know,

Cat Alvarado: [00:28:42] Spice. Like that one.

Nick Guerra: [00:28:44] Yeah. Exactly. So I don't want to believe that other thing. Other organisms control us. The unfortunate truth is, is that on a molecular level, we do get controlled by other beings, the little biomes that live in us in our gut.

Cat Alvarado: [00:29:00] What if the angels were actually just like clouds of biome?

Nick Guerra: [00:29:04] It may be that. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:29:05] Micro biomes. 

Nick Guerra: [00:29:10] This kind of theory helped me understand the idea of muses, right? Because each one of us is attracted to a type of music which music is just a sound, right? And it's like, oh, I like that sound. I like the way that sounds. So the muse creates, okay, well, I'm going to go create this little rap song so I can collect all these little rap lovers into a concert, and they go and they jam and they party. And now all that energy. So I'm. I'm powered by rap lovers, you know what I'm saying? Along with Christianity, along with the with runners and hikers, these are people that power me. So, you know, that's how deep I got into into this idea.

Cat Alvarado: [00:29:48] This is a very elaborate theory. I got to say.

Nick Guerra: [00:29:52] I deep into the idea of of what aliens are to us.

Cat Alvarado: [00:29:55] I want to throw out another theory. What if this is like a cool like future past one? What if it's this? I think I'm probably in my head remembering like an old episode of, uh, black mirror. But like, what if every time, like the story of humanity runs, we blow up the universe and everything ends and so like. And it's like catastrophic. The aliens go back to try to fix it, to keep us from doing that. But it still happens. Like we still end up coming up with the A-bomb or making a black hole.

Nick Guerra: [00:30:26] I mean, you could think of it that way. Like, say, we do destroy everything. It's like restarting a computer. You're still going to have remnants of that old computer memory inside of there, still corrupting whatever gets created. So we are still going to be corrupted by the civilizations of the past that that have been destroyed because it still lives in us.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:30:48] And Cat's new theory, it's basically the aliens are like training. It's like the area the aliens are doing Groundhog's Day with us, trying to have a different outcome each time. And we and they haven't figured out how to make us not blow ourselves up. And the Nick's theory it's actually aliens didn't only write the Bible, they inspired all the religion, which I kind of I kind of dig that too.

Cat Alvarado: [00:31:08] So at this point in the show, it's time for us to pick the unofficial official story, one that will answer the question once and for all. So which theory do we want to go with today?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:31:18] Cat, you're offering your second theory, right? Or your first theory?

Cat Alvarado: [00:31:23] Which one would I like to have voted on?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:31:25] Right, right, right.

Cat Alvarado: [00:31:26] I would combine mine and say that it is the Valiant Thor alien still okay, but they are going back in time to keep us from blowing up the world. 

Dwayne Perkins: [00:31:35] I see. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:31:36] Every single time.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:31:37] Quick question in that theory, how close are we to blowing it up and where are we in that timeline right now? It feels like tomorrow.

Cat Alvarado: [00:31:44] I feel like we might be within like five years.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:31:46] I guess we'll find out in November,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:31:48] Right right,

Cat Alvarado: [00:31:48] Right.

Nick Guerra: [00:31:49] Or we or we won't because in the Valiant Thor will go back to the right point of time. Stop it, and then it'll push us back into another year of not destroying ourselves.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:31:59] So, Dwayne , which one are you voting for?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:32:00] Oh, this is tough. I do like them all. I like mine because it's it's us future thing. And I love that analogy Nick had with the document, but I think I'm going to go with uh oh man, I like them both. I'll go with Cat with with the added Groundhog's Day thing. I mean, so we we're giving aliens credit in that scenario, but also it's like it's on us to somehow learn and for them to somehow learn what to tell us. So I do like that, that, that each we basically seeking some sort of redemption, whether we get it or not. And if we don't get it, we get a do over. So I kind of like, I like cats.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:32:39] I'm voting for Nick's. I like the whole idea of the farming. I think that's yeah, that's my favorite part.

Cat Alvarado: [00:32:45] That is cool.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:32:46] Cat. What what about you?

Cat Alvarado: [00:32:47] Well, um. The farming, the energy is pretty cool, but I am digging my story. I like this whole, this whole not only the time travel, but I just basically, like, put together Koji's, and Dwayne's into one.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:33:01] That's true. Actually. I take my back. I'm gonna. I'm gonna vote for yours, cat. I'm changing my answer. So. So it doesn't even matter what. Nick. What you say. But, Nick, for the sake of it, why don't you just vote? What, you think. 

Nick Guerra: [00:33:12] I'm. I'm completely with mine. I honestly am not going with cat's whatsoever. It's, uh, you know, to me, Cat, it's a great story. It's a Hollywood movie. Uh, but it doesn't have the reality of why it why it needs to be done. Why, in the end, are they doing this? Why are they trying to save this? Because they want our energy.

Cat Alvarado: [00:33:35] Maybe, it's all true.

Nick Guerra: [00:33:37] It all comes down to why. Why even do this? Why mess with us?

Cat Alvarado: [00:33:41] Okay, okay, I got it, I got it. The valiant Thor aliens are in love with these, um, hot Latino Mayan aliens from another planet. Right. And then, so the thing is that humans end up blowing them up every time, and then they're sad because they loved her. And so they have to go to save the the hot Latinas.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:34:04] When you you mentioned monopoly, when you play monopoly, eventually the game is over, but then you play again, right?

Nick Guerra: [00:34:11] Yeah. 

Dwayne Perkins: [00:34:11] And. 

Nick Guerra: [00:34:11] Okay. And and monopoly was created for a different reason. And it was taken by a man who made it his his own. Like monopoly was supposed to teach you not to start a monopoly and some. So, you know, and that's kind of like the Bible, like these instructions were written for another reason, to teach you how to be a better society. And man himself said, yeah, but that doesn't sell. So let's make it about greed and and anger,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:34:35] Right, right. Like, yeah. Like people say like Jesus would be, uh, a Republican or Jesus is a capitalist. And it's like, I mean, he gave away fish. No, it's not capitalism.

Nick Guerra: [00:34:44] Yeah, he would not be. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:34:45] Right. He didn't charge when he gave away the fish.

Nick Guerra: [00:34:48] No, no, no.

Cat Alvarado: [00:34:49] Oh, gosh

Nick Guerra: [00:34:50] No. Jesus would be, uh, ash from Pokemon. Very sweet. Right? Right. Collecting us all, evolving us, getting us to a stronger place.

Cat Alvarado: [00:35:02] Well, what if it's all true? It's aliens. They have to harvest our energy. But. Also, if we blow them up, they die. So they can't have us blow up. So they go back in time and then they.

Nick Guerra: [00:35:12] Yeah, they can't have their energy source blow up. Because think about it. If we blew up our energy source,

Cat Alvarado: [00:35:16] Oh, then they die.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:35:17] Oh, wow. Yeah

Cat Alvarado: [00:35:19] There's the story. Forget the hot Latinas. That was a distraction. That was just me spitballing. But it's false.

Nick Guerra: [00:35:25] We're basically Pokemon, all right? We're Pokemon.

Cat Alvarado: [00:35:29] All right? And that's the official story, you guys. So we'll take another break. And when we return, we'll try to figure out which stories were really written by aliens.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:35:39] If there was one book, TV show or movie that you think had to be written by aliens, what would it be? Mine is, uh, The Communist Manifesto. I'm going with the idea that aliens hate us. And that book, I believe, has killed more than more people than any other book. I mean, I think it's like 100 million people, I think is the is the idea. So I mean, if if they hate us, that's the one that killed the most people. So that's the one that I think that had to be written.

Cat Alvarado: [00:36:02] I feel like that checks out. Mine is going to be 50 Shades of Grey, because I feel like that's what an alien would think sex was like.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:36:10] Oh, okay, I like that.

Cat Alvarado: [00:36:11] They don't really know what it is, but they're like, this makes sense. Like, you know, like really like porn addicted alien who's like, all right, I'm going to write a romance novel.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:36:19] That's funny.

Cat Alvarado: [00:36:20] And then it just like, it's weird. I once. Okay, confession time I once tried to watch a 50 Shades of Grey porn, and it was terrible. I was like, who is this written by? It's.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:36:29] I taught a class about screenwriting for teens once, and they were like repressed teens or like a religious school. And every time somebody had sex, they would say they went into the bathroom and came out with their hair rumpled. And that was like, every single time I was like, you guys, don't you understand what happens in there? Like, I couldn't talke to them because they're like little kids about it. It was so weird. Yeah, they're like, their clothes are wrinkled and their hair is. And like, I was like, well,

Cat Alvarado: [00:36:53] How did the clothes get wrinkled? What?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:36:55] Yeah.

Cat Alvarado: [00:36:56] Clothes are wrinkled.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:36:57] It's the same idea, right? They had no idea what was really happening. So they, like, wrote like something. That was super. 

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:37:02] Funny story. I went on a date once with a 40 year old virgin and his idea of flirting. He was like, if I was with you, he would do it six times a day. And I was like, you are a virgin because no one does that. No, that's not how people work. Um,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:37:15] Right, right.

Cat Alvarado: [00:37:16] What?

Nick Guerra: [00:37:18] Or he's an Alien.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:37:21] That's so weird that you would have that tough talk when you've literally never done it before. That's like me saying, you know, if I was an ice skater. I won the gold medal. Like what? No, this is just crazy.

Nick Guerra: [00:37:32] But but you know what? But think about it. People do do that. People talk to athletes like that all the time. Oh, what do you do.

Cat Alvarado: [00:37:39] That to us as comedians? Oh my gosh, someone who told me a story. Someone told me a story recently about, oh, last night was Paul Jean. We'll have him on here sometime. But he went to Montana to do a show for 800 people with the Versey triplets. And the guy was putting on the show was this real estate guy, and he wanted to do 20 minutes up top. He'd never done stand up before, but he was the one producing the show. He gets up there bombs for 20 minutes for 800 people and it's like, no, no, him. Yeah. And it's like the balls to be like, yeah, what you do at a high level, I can do that.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:38:15] Well, it's like, uh, there's a famous quote by the guy named Brian Scavolini. He was a, uh, Celtic. And his quote was, I'm closer to Michael Jordan than a normal person is to me. So that like, so the difference between an NBA basketball player, even a guy that sits on the bench, is closer to Michael than any person normal person off the street is to him like that. That's a huge difference. But but people see him and they think, oh, he sucked because he only scored like two points a game. But in reality he's probably the best player in his state if not players in the country.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:38:44] Yeah, he had a period where he would play regular guys and at the time he was 40 and he would wipe them, and he played one guy who actually played Division one basketball at Syracuse, but he wasn't a pro and that guy was 25. So that's he's a 25 year old who played Division one basketball, and he couldn't beat a 40 year old NBA player. He just wiped them.

Nick Guerra: [00:39:04] Wow man, this sounds like this sounds like he got a lot of hate. He's still out there trying to prove things. I think. I think the one book that would be written by an alien going with my theory is every book. But the main book that would be written by an alien, uh, Superman, because an alien is the most strongest, the best, most patriotic, most honest, most humble savior of our world. So Superman is is obviously written by aliens.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:39:31] I like it.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:39:32] with no flaws.

Nick Guerra: [00:39:33] No flaws. Perfect and and white. And he's Kansas white.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:39:39] I have a book in mind so. But just jokey joke I think TV show either Mork and Mindy or, um, small world with the robot. That's if aliens were trying to be funny, but if they were trying to teach, probably the little Prince because he visits different. 

Nick Guerra: [00:39:52] Oh yeah,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:39:53] Visits different planets and learns different things.

Nick Guerra: [00:39:55] Well, what is the Scientology book called? Just Scientology book. That's like blatant alien writing.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:40:01] Dianetics. Dianetics?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:40:02] No, I think that's actually the one that aliens that pisses them off. Like we had nothing to do.

Cat Alvarado: [00:40:10] Well, you guys, thank you. Thank you, Nick, for coming on with us. Please tell us where people could follow you.

Nick Guerra: [00:40:16] Uh, well, you could follow my soul cleansing comedy on my Instagram or, uh, everything else at Nick comic. Just go there at Nick comic. That's the best thing to do. Why not?

Cat Alvarado: [00:40:26] Well, thank you all so much for listening. There are almost 3 million podcasts, and we're honored you've chosen to listen to ours. Check out our website, unofficial Official story.com for our show notes or to hear our past episodes. Please follow us on Instagram, X, TikTok, and YouTube. If Tik-Tok is still there in a week, please join us next month. When we're asking the question, was Bruce Lee killed by the secret touch of death?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:40:53] Bruce Lee is still alive. He's hanging out with Tupac.

Cat Alvarado: [00:40:55] Oh. Okay.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:40:57] Nice.

Nick Guerra: [00:40:58] Uh, everybody still alive? If you believe in quantum immortality.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:41:03] There you have it, folks.

Cat Alvarado: [00:41:04] There you go.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:41:05] Yeah. We don't have to do an episode next month. It's. Or it's. We've already figured it out. All right, guys, Thank you.

Nick Guerra: [00:41:10] Bye bye.