S4E4 - Octopuses are aliens with Ben Gleib

 

Cat: [00:00:00] If you could be any animal. What would you be?

Dwayne: [00:00:03] I'm thinking shark because you get a whole week of, uh, of publicity and, um, you know, you're sort of the king of the ocean.

Koji: [00:00:13] Except for the orca. Orca will kill you.

Dwayne: [00:00:15] That's true. But, uh, you know, listen, we'll come to a sort of mutual understanding. You know what I mean? You do your thing, I'll do my thing over here. We'll call. You know what I mean? So I'm thinking shark or something in a circus would be great, too.

Koji: [00:00:27] A circus?

Dwayne: [00:00:28] Yeah. Something circus.

Cat: [00:00:29] I've heard bad things.

Koji: [00:00:30] You don't want to be in a circus dude.

Cat: [00:00:31] No.

Koji: [00:00:31] That's like the worst place.

Dwayne: [00:00:32] No, but, like, uh, there are probably new circuses now that are more animal friendly.

Koji: [00:00:36] They do. They don't do animals, basically. Yeah.

Cat: [00:00:38] So you just wouldn't be there. But you could be someone's emotional support dog at the circus.

Koji: [00:00:42] There you go.

Cat: [00:00:43] You wouldn't be in the show, but you'd be backstage with a nice lady, probably.

Koji: [00:00:46] Ben, what animal would you be?

Ben: [00:00:47] I'm allowed to talk already? Okay, great. Uh, I haven't been preparing an answer I didn't know I was, I was I was just fixated on the debris on the back of your hoodie. You got a lot of debris on your hoodie. Large amounts of debris.

Koji: [00:00:59] Oh, I was cleaning up back there.

Ben: [00:01:00] Oh. Fair enough.

Koji: [00:01:00] Sorry.

Ben: [00:01:01] No. No worries. I just, I was I was debris focused, I love debris. I would be, I would be an animal that that maybe like creates debris like a woodpecker that would just slowly pick at wood on top of Koji's head.

Koji: [00:01:13] Oh, nice on the head too.

Ben: [00:01:14] No, but I could, you know, I couldn't be that specific as to my location. I would just hope that some of it hit your shoulder or. Or a circus animal probably.

Koji: [00:01:25] A circus animal.

Dwayne: [00:01:26] Something, I guess, because we're showmen at the end of the day.

Ben: [00:01:27] I don't think they're fucking with the with the elephants too. Because we're showmen. Yeah, like put on a show. I don't think they can mess with the elephants too much because they're very large animals.

Koji: [00:01:37] No, but they, they do abuse them.

Ben: [00:01:39] They do?

Cat: [00:01:39] Yeah.

Koji: [00:01:40] That's why elephants aren't allowed in.

Cat: [00:01:41] You don't want. To be a circus animal.

Ben: [00:01:42] I don't?

Cat: [00:01:42] Full stop. No.

Ben: [00:01:43] Alright, but, like, what if I was into it?

Cat: [00:01:46] Okay, so, a kinky elephant got it.

Koji: [00:01:49] Yeah.

Dwayne: [00:01:50] Maybe. Maybe more of, like, a safari kind of animal, you know, like, it's kind of wilderness 

Cat: [00:01:54] Yeah like a free one.

Ben: [00:01:55] Well, that's better.

Dwayne: [00:01:56] Exactly. You know

Koji: [00:01:57] Or San Diego Wildlife Park.

Dwayne: [00:01:59] Something like that.

Ben: [00:01:59] No, they drug those guys up big time. I went as a kid with my parents, and there's, like, lions and they let you, like, roll your window down. They're not afraid that you're going to be murdered by a lion because they are, like, heavily sedated.

Koji: [00:02:09] Well, that's. Is that a problem?

Ben: [00:02:10] I mean, strong point.

Cat: [00:02:11] You get to do drugs and be a lion.

Ben: [00:02:14] Strong point. You get to do drugs and be a lion. I mean, those were the laziest lions. Like they were not intimidating. I would have probably, like, gone and poked one in the eye.

Cat: [00:02:21] That actually explains a lot. I always wondered why they're always just laying around and they're on heroin. That's why they never do anything.

Ben: [00:02:27] Dude, lion's pretty good.

Dwayne: [00:02:28] Yeah, lion.

Ben: [00:02:29] I might be a lion just in general. Even like a non-drugged up one. You still get to do a musical, right?

Cat: [00:02:35] Probably. Hang out with some fun gay guys and sparkly sweaters. You know, like the ones from Vegas. Those guys. You know

Koji: [00:02:43] The ones that they attacked.

Cat: [00:02:44] Yeah. I forget their name.

Koji: [00:02:45] Yeah.

Cat: [00:02:46] Leroy and Phil. What?

Ben: [00:02:48] Leroy and Phil?

Dwayne: [00:02:48] Leroy and Phil. 

Cat: [00:02:49] Siegfried and Roy.

Ben: [00:02:50] Very low budget version of Siegfried and Roy.

Koji: [00:02:53] That's hilarious.

Ben: [00:02:53] Leroy and Phil.

Dwayne: [00:02:55] Just big. Like actual house cats.

Ben: [00:02:57] Yeah, yeah, just fat house cats. They're they're definitely eating Phil, by the way. Like on the weekly. Yeah.

Dwayne: [00:03:02] My my brother um, his, he has like a golden dog. I don't know what kind of dog, but it's like. And then for one Halloween, he, he put like a lion's mane around the neck.

Ben: [00:03:12] That's a great costume.

Dwayne: [00:03:13] It looked great. And his son, my nephew kind of playing with it and it was really cool. I probably have the picture somewhere, but the other side of me was like, that's a great thing. But also tell them that, you know, lions are not safe because I don't want him to think that he can.

Ben: [00:03:26] I mean, if this how stupid is this kid? Because,

Dwayne: [00:03:28] Well, was like six years old

Ben: [00:03:28] he was he's confusing a cat. Well, he's not even going to remember.

Koji: [00:03:31] Well, this is so this is funny on in terms of animal safety, something that I tell all my students in my writing classes is this black fight back, brown lay down, white say good night. And it's in response to bears. Yeah, bears.

Ben: [00:03:41] I don't even know what that means. White say good night? 

Koji: [00:03:43] Because it's a polar bear. It's going to kill you.

Ben: [00:03:45] Polar bears are the most aggressive bears?

Koji: [00:03:47] Polar bears are the most dangerous animal. 

Cat: [00:03:49] Probably because they're the hungriest.

Koji: [00:03:49] No, it's the apex predator. It kills it like kills humans.

Ben: [00:03:52] Really?

Koji: [00:03:53] Yeah, it actually hunts humans. But, um, one time I was in class and one of the students walked away and came back and thought I was talking about people. And he was like, getting offended because he was like. He was like a Caucasian guy. He was getting offended. I was like, no, no, no, it's bears, not humans. 

Dwayne: [00:04:08] Because it's it's brown lay down

Koji: [00:04:10] Lay down.

Cat: [00:04:11] The whites are the apex, remember? Oh, god.

Ben: [00:04:14] Say good night to the whites. They're the only ones you have to speak to.

Dwayne: [00:04:16] That's that that kind of could work for people. You know what I mean?

Cat: [00:04:20] Oh, no. Oh, gosh.

Ben: [00:04:23] I had an encounter with a bear once, by the way.

Koji: [00:04:25] Oh, yeah? Where?

Ben: [00:04:26] An encounter with a wild bear. I was in Sequoia. I was like 9 or 10 years old, and I was camping with my family. And we're not big campers, and I've always been a night owl. And so my whole family goes to bed and I'm up last by myself by the campfire. Wow. And our tent is like ten, twelve feet behind me, zipped up, my family's sleeping, and I'm at the fires like three feet in front of me and then ten feet behind that is our food locker thing that's locked up. And I hear this rustling and right behind the food locker, a head pops out and it's a bear. And it starts coming all the way out, and it's like a nine foot black bear, and it looks at me and I'm like, please keep moving. And it does not. It starts to walk immediately towards me. And so it's like very quickly, like ten feet, eight feet, six feet. I'm like, oh shit. And they tell you to like stand up and make noise and like try to scare it. But there's no way I'm trying to scare a

Koji: [00:05:22] Black fight back. Yeah. So.

Ben: [00:05:23] Right.

Dwayne: [00:05:24] That means make yourself big, right? Yeah. Literally.

Ben: [00:05:26] There's no way.

Koji: [00:05:26] No. You literally fight.

Cat: [00:05:27] You punch it?

Ben: [00:05:28] No way I'm antagonizing this bear. Maybe he's chill and all of a sudden I yell at him. Doesn't seem right.

Koji: [00:05:33] The reason that they don't want you to lay down with a black bear is that they think you're prey.

Ben: [00:05:36] I wasn't gonna lay down either.

Koji: [00:05:37] No, no, but but but the brown bear. They'll leave you alone.

Dwayne: [00:05:39] It's at night. You can't tell if it's black or brown, I imagine.

Koji: [00:05:43] No, they're very different.

Cat: [00:05:44] I've heard black bears are smaller, so that size sounds like a brown bear.

Ben: [00:05:47] Maybe it was brown, but it starts coming towards me and I just get up and I bolt for the tent behind me. I figured a thin piece of plastic will keep me safe, right? And I start unzipping the thing and I'm shouting, bear, bear, my brother, to save his own life, zips it back closed.

Cat: [00:06:03] Oh no.

Ben: [00:06:04] I'm like, are you kidding me? I just like, ripped it open, dove in, zipped it back, and literally ten seconds, five seconds after I dive in, the whole side of the tent just knocks like the bear straight up came at me, bumped the whole side of the tent, continued on, and then all other campground starts screaming like moments later. It was wild. I got

Cat: [00:06:25] And you were the only survivors.

Ben: [00:06:27] The only survivor. Everybody was killed that night. That's the Unofficial Official Story.

Koji: [00:06:32] That's the Unofficial Official Story.

Cat: [00:06:34] I think I'd be a bear, you guys. Polar bear. Uh, the white one. And that's my answer at the end.

Ben: [00:06:39] Want to eat everybody?

Cat: [00:06:40] I will eat everybody.

Koji: [00:06:41] And I want to be a dog.

Cat: [00:06:42] That's a good one.

Koji: [00:06:44] With a well-taking care family, though, like family, takes care of me. 

Cat: [00:06:46] Actually, whippet. I would want to be a whippet because I've been a runner for a long time, and I'd like to know what it's like to be fast.

Ben: [00:06:51] What's a whippet?

Cat: [00:06:53] Uh, a dog.

Koji: [00:06:53] Type of dog.

Dwayne: [00:06:54] Oh, I thought it was something you kinda. 

Ben: [00:06:56] You take an aerosol when you get high. Also that. Yeah that's what I thought it was as well.

Cat: [00:06:59] Probably they're named after the dogs because they're hyper as shit, so they always seem high.

Koji: [00:07:03] That's a tough dog to be, though, because you need a lot of exercise, and you need to find the right family that would be willing to take you out.

Cat: [00:07:08] My family would be Olympians. A whippet dog for Olympians.

Ben: [00:07:13] All I'm hearing is animal names. Olympian, I'm like, what kind of animal is that? Yeah. An Olympian.

Dwayne: [00:07:24] Welcome, welcome, welcome. This is season four, episode four of the award-winning Unofficial Official Story. So glad we created that award and gave it to ourselves.

Koji: [00:07:33] No, that's a real award.

Dwayne: [00:07:35] I know, I'm just teasing. I'm teasing. I'm Dwayne.

Cat: [00:07:37] I'm Cat.

Koji: [00:07:38] And I am Koji.

Dwayne: [00:07:39] This is where we tell you the official story. We look at the paranormal, conspiracies, unexplained phenomena, cryptids, and true crime. And by the end, we'll tell you what really maybe happened.

Cat: [00:07:51] If you like the podcast, please share it with your friends, family, and even your enemies. You'll be doing a lot to help keep us bring the exciting and fun content every month.

Koji: [00:08:01] In the last episode, we said that we'll be celebrating the anniversary of Roswell. That was incorrect. This month, we're celebrating a much more important holiday, Marine Day, by asking the important question: Are octopuses aliens?

Cat: [00:08:13] But first, let's introduce our guest, comedian and actor Ben Gleib.

Dwayne: [00:08:18] Ben, I've known for a long time since he, I think, since he started and he's really made a way in this world. He's one of the lead anchors on The Young Turks. You may have seen his acclaimed stand up specials The Mad King and Neurotic Gangster. He's the host of the Emmy nominated brainteaser game show Idiotest that you might have seen on Netflix or currently on Game Show Central, and for seven years he was one of the stars of Chelsea Lately with Chelsea Handler. He's done over four hundred episodes of TV and his online views are now over half a billion. Please welcome my man forty grand, Ben Gleib.

Ben: [00:08:52] Thanks, man. What's up everybody?

Koji: [00:08:54] Are you running for president again?

Ben: [00:08:55] No.

Koji: [00:08:55] No.

Dwayne: [00:08:56] I asked the same thing.

Dwayne: [00:08:58] So cool to be able to ask someone that question.

Ben: [00:09:00] I wasn't sure if I was going to still be invited once I said no to that, I thought that was like, contingent on the booking.

Koji: [00:09:05] No, no. Um.

Ben: [00:09:07] Definitely not running again. And, uh, I'm just, you know, there's certain things I do twice and things I don't running. No. This podcast. Yes. Oh, happy to be back.

Koji: [00:09:16] Do you remember which episode you were on?

Ben: [00:09:18] Yeah, it was one of the earlier ones.

Koji: [00:09:19] It was with, uh, about Elon Musk. Whether he was an alien.

Ben: [00:09:21] Yes. Right. Interesting. Oh, interesting.

Koji: [00:09:24] That's one of actually our popular ones.

Cat: [00:09:26] He is right?

Ben: [00:09:26] You always do whether something is an alien? Is that's always the topic?

Koji: [00:09:29] No, no, no, it just happened that you came twice.

Cat: [00:09:32] It's because we think you're an alien. That's why we're like, Ben would know. He would know for sure.

Ben: [00:09:36] Because I'm not certain myself.

Koji: [00:09:38] Yeah. Our last episode was about Bruce Lee. Whether he was killed, uh, with a death touch.

Cat: [00:09:43] It was keto. It was. He did too much.

Koji: [00:09:45] No, no, he was Asian, remember? Or no, he was African American. That was the answer to that one.

Dwayne: [00:09:49] What?

Koji: [00:09:50] So basically. Yeah.

Cat: [00:09:52] You had to be there.

Koji: [00:09:53] He was, uh, he's really a black man. And it was gonna come out that he was not Asian but black. And so he had to fake his death and move to South L.A..

Ben: [00:10:00] Have people ever seen him? Because he's a movie star.

Koji: [00:10:03] Well, he had he had.

Ben: [00:10:04] Not black.

Koji: [00:10:05] He had yellow face on.

Ben: [00:10:06] Oh, that explains it. It does explain it.

Koji: [00:10:08] Yeah. And they did the eye thing, you know.

Ben: [00:10:09] Really? They used like clips?

Ben: [00:10:13] I don't know what the move was or how that's even done.

Cat: [00:10:16] Got a facelift.

Koji: [00:10:17] Well, and also to be fair, we've also realized that Tupac was actually Japanese.

Dwayne: [00:10:21] That's right. 

Koji: [00:10:21] So

Dwayne: [00:10:21] Is that what we voted on?

Koji: [00:10:23] Yeah, that was.

Cat: [00:10:23] I, I actually don't think that's what we voted on. But I'll take it.

Koji: [00:10:25] No, you weren't there. You weren't there. That was before your time.

Cat: [00:10:28] Okay.

Koji: [00:10:30] So Tupac was Japanese. Bruce Lee is black. It all makes sense. I mean, if you just think about it, it just makes sense.

Ben: [00:10:34] Sure, I love it.

Dwayne: [00:10:35] I think it makes sense if you don't think about it. Actually. Yeah.

Cat: [00:10:38] Think less you guys.

Koji: [00:10:40] You know, I watch all your stuff on The Young Turks. Thanks. How is it being on the show? I mean, I'm sure you get a lot of hate mail, though, right?

Ben: [00:10:46] I do it's it's this has been the most hate, hate mail-filled and hate DM-filled time of my life. It's been very intense, but, uh, you know, it makes you stronger.

Cat: [00:10:57] How do you deal with it? Like, if I get one bad comment, I'm, like, ruined for three hours. I'm just like ugh.

Ben: [00:11:03] I don't you just can't let it affect you at the volume i'm getting it. You just can't let it affect you. So I just, I engage with these people far too much and I try to, like, debate them far too much. I should ignore it. Probably for the first time. I'm actually blocking people. I never block people. But someone like really is just like straight up being mean and intentionally hurtful without making any sort of good point. If they're mean and hurtful with a good point, I'm open, I'm open. They're tearing my existence to pieces with horrible accusations and insults, and they got nothing intelligent around it. I'm blocking, but I just I just kind of laugh it off, you know? I just realize these people don't get it. They obviously don't understand the truth like I do. And you move on. You know, people try and get you fired a little bit more annoying, but you weather that storm too.

Dwayne: [00:11:47] Can you tell us about a time you've converted someone or at least converted them around an issue? And what's that worth? Like is converting one person or making one person slightly see something your way, is that worth ten angry DMs? Have you ever thought I've done that kind of.

Ben: [00:12:04] I don't know, it's a good question. You know, I probably should remember the conversions more strongly to keep me going. I know it's happened a bunch of times, but I know there's not like a eureka moment where I was like, or I can remember somebody saying, I am completely flipped on this issue. But all the time people say, like, you've opened my eyes to it. I didn't see it that way. I now understand where you're. Coming from more. And so I think that's worth its weight in gold just because I don't know, just because it it just helps mitigate vitriol and anger and disinformation. And I think that's as as powerful as a complete flip. It's just getting people to like take off the gas a little bit and hit the brake on their anger, I think, or their or like I said, on on their disinformation or misinformation, I think is worth it. Is it worth all the hate? Yeah. I mean, I really take a lot of solace from what they say, that if you're not getting any hate, you're not doing anything worthwhile. Like if you're just really so pleasing everybody, you're maybe just doing boring things. And so I try to take take solace from that, because if not, I would probably be more upset. So I think it makes me feel better about it. But, uh, you know, I would probably rather live in a world where I didn't have people coming at me a million miles a minute. But, you know, you don't get to control the world.

Koji: [00:13:21] Does that ever happen in real life? I mean, do people confront you in real life or is it all mostly online?

Ben: [00:13:25] Never, never. I did get spit on once at a live show, but other than that, it doesn't happen. But I didn't see who did it.

Dwayne: [00:13:31] Was it was it based on your act or based on something you had done online, on TV or? 

Ben: [00:13:36] I was on stage and then all of a sudden, like ten minutes later after my set, I saw spit on my jacket. 

Koji: [00:13:41] Oh, that sucks.

Ben: [00:13:41] So I didn't even see the person do it, unfortunately, because unfortunately. But unfortunately for them. Right, right. But, um, other than that, no, generally people are a lot more, I don't want to say cowardly. There just a lot more timid in person.

Dwayne: [00:13:54] If you didn't see them, you don't know.

Ben: [00:13:56] It was pretty clear. It was like a full-on situation. Right there on the shoulder, like.

Cat: [00:14:01] But that that is a flex that you didn't even notice, like this person spat on you and you were just so in your own zone that you're like, what?

Ben: [00:14:09] Right. Good point. Guy's probably like, that guy's impenetrable.

Cat: [00:14:13] Wanted to rattle him and I couldn't.

Ben: [00:14:15] Just gonna start crying.

Dwayne: [00:14:16] Yeah, some sometimes some people have slighted me and I didn't get what they were saying until later.

Ben: [00:14:21] Yeah, I could see you not getting that.

Dwayne: [00:14:22] Yeah. Right. Right. And I would just be like, like, literally sit at home. I think that guy was trying to. Oh, the moment's passed, you know what I mean?

Koji: [00:14:31] One of the really interesting things about the United States and, and kind of our society is that people tend to hate people that they don't know or like in theory. So like, for example, they'll be like, you know, my neighbor is black. I like them, they're nice people. But I don't like black people in general, you know, or I don't i like my Mexican neighbor or whatever or my Mexican friend, but I don't want them to like invading our country or something, you know, it's like, so it's really weird. I mean, during even during the last election, like, I like my Muslim friend, but, you know, Muslims can't come in here. They're all terrorists. And you're like, what? Like, you know, like even places that aren't even affected by, you know, that kind of immigration or anti-Muslim anti-whatever.

Dwayne: [00:15:08] Right.

Koji: [00:15:08] And so it's just really interesting in America. That's why when I watch shows like What Would You Do? They usually come to the rescue of whatever is happening in front of them. You know, like they always help the person, but then you then you like if you really quizzed them like you do when you quiz, like when they quiz, um, MAGA people and then they like, say the weirdest shit out of their mouth and you're like

Cat: [00:15:25] Yeah, there's a huge disconnect.

Koji: [00:15:26] Yeah, there's a disconnect. Because like, they like like, for example, they like the gay person in their family, but they don't want the gay people to get married.

Cat: [00:15:32] I've had that with, with, um, like, if I'm dating someone, their mother, if the mother is kind of racist, they'll say racist things about Latinos, but then they'll be like, but you're okay, you're different, you're different. And I'll be like, yeah, I'm not that different.

Ben: [00:15:45] Yeah I always thought that when you know somebody, you stop hating the group. This is sad to hear that even if you know somebody in the group, you just consider them the exception and you still hate the group.

Koji: [00:15:53] Yeah.

Ben: [00:15:54] People really want to hate.

Cat: [00:15:55] And then. And then they'll have no recognition that talking about the hate of the group is going to make you uncomfortable.

Koji: [00:16:00] Yeah.

Cat: [00:16:00] They'll still go for it.

Ben: [00:16:01] Right. Also that. Wild.

Cat: [00:16:04] That was a tangent.

Koji: [00:16:05] Yeah. That was sorry. That was a long tangent.

Ben: [00:16:06] No it was a bit of a tangent. But you know, at least all four of us are white. And that's the best part of

Dwayne: [00:16:14] Right, right.

Ben: [00:16:15] And also none of us are white by the way. Yeah.

Koji: [00:16:18] By the way, you're only presuming that I'm not white, right?

Dwayne: [00:16:20] Right, right.

Koji: [00:16:21] I don't identify I identify as a white man.

Ben: [00:16:23] Great. I'm happy for you. And I support you.

Koji: [00:16:25] Actually, all I ever wanted to be was a beautiful white girl. Like, that's all I ever wanted. Like a really hot one.

Ben: [00:16:30] Talk about tangent. That is a share.

Dwayne: [00:16:33] I mean, I think you can.

Koji: [00:16:34] No, no, but I wanted to be a really hot one that could get married and have a baby.

Dwayne: [00:16:38] Well, I don't know if you could.

Koji: [00:16:38] I couldn't do all that stuff. Yeah. So. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ben: [00:16:41] You could, you could get married and adopt a baby. You could definitely be a white girl, get married, an adopt a baby. You go Michael Jackson style on on your outward appearance.

Koji: [00:16:49] Yeah, but I'm not gonna, like, as hot as if I was just a straight like a real.

Ben: [00:16:52] I mean, I believe in you more than you do. 

Cat: [00:16:55] I've seen some great work done.

Ben: [00:16:57] There's some great work out there.

Cat: [00:16:58] There's some great work, yeah.

Koji: [00:16:58] I think my time has passed on this one.

Ben: [00:17:00] Okay, well, I guess I'm sorry to hear you give up on the dream.

Cat: [00:17:03] Yeah. Look, in the name of Pride Month, I have to be supportive of this.

Ben: [00:17:06] That's right.

Cat: [00:17:07] And with that, you guys, uh, let's get the story straight once and for all.

Koji: [00:17:11] Let's do it.

Cat: [00:17:12] We are talking about octopuses.

Ben: [00:17:15] Is it octopuses or octopi?

Koji: [00:17:16] I think it's octopuses.

Ben: [00:17:18] I think so, yeah. I heard an NPR story. They kept saying octopuses. They don't get stuff wrong, but I always thought it was octopi.

Dwayne: [00:17:24] Yeah. I feel like if you say octopi, no one's going to check you because it sounds right.

Koji: [00:17:29] And octopuses sounds a little bit sketchy. It sounds a little dirty.

Dwayne: [00:17:33] Sounds like.

Koji: [00:17:33] Hey, I like your octopus. 

Ben: [00:17:36] Octopi is is if if you ever capture and kill and then bake an octopus, that's when it's octopi. 

Dwayne: [00:17:44] Oh very nice. I thought you were going to say if you go to Marie Callender's and you get, like, a pie, but each slice is a different flavor. And they're eight slices. That's an octopi.

Cat: [00:17:54] That actually sounds amazing. 

Ben: [00:17:56] It sounds amazing. A lot of work for the chef. Why do they have to be a different flavor? Just eight slices alone should make it an octopi.

Dwayne: [00:18:03] I know, I know.

Ben: [00:18:03] Wait, so you're saying like that's like how you market it? This is the eight-flavor pie. 

Dwayne: [00:18:07] Octopi.

Ben: [00:18:07] I like that a lot.

Dwayne: [00:18:08] You just built. You make eight pies and then, you.

Koji: [00:18:11] I understand how to make it.

Dwayne: [00:18:12] Make each one have to. You take a slice.

Ben: [00:18:14] Oh, that's a good. I didn't actually figure out how to make it. Until you figure that out, you'd have to eight. Yeah, that's a lot more plausible. Now. It's now it's just a post-baking distribution.

Koji: [00:18:21] Yeah. You can't cook all eight together.

Ben: [00:18:24] I thought you were doing some kind of wild

Cat: [00:18:25] They do that with with. There's cakes. They have cakes, but they do it with the layers. So horizontally you can have like six different flavors in a cake.

Ben: [00:18:31] Alright. But I don't think horizontally is at all as good. Yeah. Because then each bite has to have all of it. I like your idea. You get to sample, like, full on different situations. Who wants a mish mash of a bunch of different flavors that don't go together?

Cat: [00:18:43] Well, you pick ones that do.

Ben: [00:18:44] Okay. If you're going to keep making good points, I will keep listening and acknowledging them and respecting you for it.

Dwayne: [00:18:50] So, uh. What are some of the reasons people think octopuses are. Yeah, it does sound. I like octopi.

Cat: [00:18:56] Stop emphasizing it. It's a little weird.

Dwayne: [00:18:58] I like octopi.

Cat: [00:18:58] Just say it.

Koji: [00:18:59] I like your octopus.

Ben: [00:19:02] My favorite James Bond movie was the James Bond movie Octopussy.

Dwayne: [00:19:06] What are some of the reasons people think the octopus is an alien? How about that? Uh, first, they're complex nervous system. Octopi have a highly developed nervous system and a large brain relative to the size of their body. They possess about 500 million neurons, uh, a number comparable to dogs, which gives them advanced problem solving and learning abilities. Camouflage abilities thanks to specialized cells called chromatophores.

Cat: [00:19:34] Chromatophores.

Dwayne: [00:19:35] I wrote all this down so I can have it, anyway. Chromatophores, leucophores.

Ben: [00:19:39] I like how you pull out your notebook and then just put it away. Wrote all this down so I could have it. You pulled the notebook out. 

Dwayne: [00:19:44] Well I'm at the worst now

Ben: [00:19:44] And then just left it on the table closed.

Dwayne: [00:19:47] I'm at the worst now, so it doesn't. You know what I mean? Anyway, all those things, uh, they can change the color of their texture of their skin to blend into their surroundings almost instantly.

Ben: [00:19:55] Like Michael Jackson.

Cat: [00:19:57] Yeah, I was listening to that. So they have like, like these cells with like pigments. And then the neuron tells it like which pigment to expand based off of what's around. It is crazy.

Ben: [00:20:05] It's like the original inkblot feature on Instagram Stories. Where you can match whatever color is going on, which also blows my mind.

Cat: [00:20:13] Oh yeah. Definitely. Also, I believe octopus brains are donut-shaped. I saw that on YouTube. Anyways

Ben: [00:20:18] There's a hole in the middle?

Cat: [00:20:20] Um, I don't know. It's just it's donut shaped, I guess. Yeah.

Dwayne: [00:20:25] I mean, regular donuts. Are we talking crullers or. You know what I mean?

Ben: [00:20:28] Crullers would be appropriate.

Cat: [00:20:30] Regular donuts. Regular donuts. Uh, they also have a flexible body structure. Unlike many animals, octopuses have no rigid skeleton, allowing them to squeeze through incredibly tight spaces. Also regeneration. They can regenerate lost limbs, a trait shared with only a few other animal species like lizards, they have three hearts and blue blood. Octopuses have three hearts, two pump to the gills and one pumps to the rest of the body, and their blood is blue due to a copper-based molecule called hemocyanin. The word cyan blue, which is more efficient than hemoglobin in cold and low oxygen environments. And finally, they have unique locomotion. They move by jet propulsion, expelling water through a siphon, and can also crawl using their arms.

Koji: [00:21:20] In 2018, a group of scientists published a paper that argued that octopuses didn't come out of a primordial soup, but actually from outer space. We'll put a link in our show notes.

Dwayne: [00:21:29] The most compelling evidence of this is how advanced octopuses are. Octopuses have 33,000 genes, about 10,000 more than humans.

Cat: [00:21:38] Hm. Some other evidence that octopuses might. 

Ben: [00:21:40] They have 5000 less than Jay Leno.

Cat: [00:21:46] Okay.

Koji: [00:21:47] We're gonna

Cat: [00:21:48] Okay, okay.

Koji: [00:21:49] We're gonna get Jay Leno hate mail.

Ben: [00:21:50] Yeah. I don't know why you had to throw me under the bus. I'm cool with Jay. That's my guy. Yeah, he's the best, nicest guy in the world. It's worth a lot of genes. I don't think he would deny it. I feel like we're in a Canadian tuxedo.

Cat: [00:22:04] Okay. You had to explain that joke to me. I guess I'm too young for it. Some other evidence that octopuses might have come from another planet

Ben: [00:22:11] What a great way to spin not getting a joke. What a great way to passive aggressively 

Koji: [00:22:16] You're old.

Ben: [00:22:16] I guess I'm just too hot and young to understand that joke.

Cat: [00:22:22] Exactly.

Koji: [00:22:22] I'm gonna use that from now on.

Cat: [00:22:25] I'll take it.

Ben: [00:22:26] I think it works a little better on Cat, but you do you Koji.

Dwayne: [00:22:28] No, I'm gonna use it on stage if a joke doesn't work. You know what? You guys are too hot and young. I should have known better.

Ben: [00:22:35] No, that's the kid's way to do it. The other way. It's better to go. I guess I'm too hot and young for you guys to get that joke.

Dwayne: [00:22:41] But I'd rather I'd rather rather the crowd

Ben: [00:22:43] Be on your side. Sure. This explains a lot about my career.

Cat: [00:22:50] Alright, well, some other evidence that octopuses might have come from another planet are their accelerated evolution. They're the smartest of the invertebrates. They have a centralized brain and brains in their arms. They're full of personality. I'd like to learn more about that. And they have a very complicated biology. Remember the 33,000 genes and cosmic powers? Apparently, they've been able to pick the winner of the FIFA games with 85.7% accuracy. 

Koji: [00:23:19] For the for the personality one, um, apparently, like the the keepers of the octopuses at different places, they actually like, they have personalities that they actually like react to things and they like do certain things.

Cat: [00:23:29] So like some are more outgoing.

Koji: [00:23:31] Like a dog, it's like a dog. They said, basically, like they all like, you know, a dog has a personality, like octopuses have a similar kind of personality. That's what they said. Like you could tell, like, this is like, this is Jack versus another one.

Cat: [00:23:43] Are they, like, playing like one of them, like plays a lot of pranks, and the other one's a good listener.

Koji: [00:23:50] One of the things on that NPR, uh, thing that we were listening to would be that, uh, they were saying that like, they felt like when they were watching them, they were being watched back. Like they were looking at them, studying them too. So it wasn't like a one way study. Apparently, allegedly.

Ben: [00:24:05] And there are great escape artists, as you mentioned.

Cat: [00:24:06] Yes, yes, I heard about that. 

Koji: [00:24:08] They escape about everything.

Ben: [00:24:09] They also listen better than I do.

Koji: [00:24:12] Even if octopuses aren't aliens, Dominic Sivitilli

Cat: [00:24:17] Sivitilli.

Koji: [00:24:18] Okay, like how you said it. Um, I just learned American recently, a PhD candidate in astrobiology and psychology at the University of Washington said the octopus is long, separate evolution toward cognitive complexity makes them a very appropriate model for what intelligence might look like if it evolves on a completely different planet. He also said, in my studying the octopuses, I've really learned to appreciate that there are many varieties of intelligence out in the world and possibly the universe. The human mind is just one of many different varieties. It's not about how intelligent they are, it's how they are intelligent. I feel like there's a octopus standing right behind him with a gun, right?

Dwayne: [00:24:55] Either that or he's an octopus.

Koji: [00:24:57] Oh, there you go.

Cat: [00:24:58] I mean, I just want to step back for a second about the them picking the FIFA games. Like, do they tell them, like, is someone reading to them the stats so that they're intelligent? Like being like, okay, this is the one that's going to be a winner. Or are they just like

Dwayne: [00:25:10] Are they watching the games from the year before? You know what I mean?

Cat: [00:25:13] How do they know?

Ben: [00:25:14] That one makes no sense.

Koji: [00:25:15] Yeah, it's probably just random.

Cat: [00:25:16] Are we just assuming they're psychic like, they they they're just tapped into something?

Ben: [00:25:20] How are they expressing their their vote?

Cat: [00:25:22] With their hand. Raise an arm.

Ben: [00:25:25] They have so many of them.

Dwayne: [00:25:28] Well, we'll have to, uh, YouTube that one or something. According to a Reddit thread, we found some of the brainwaves resemble the size and shape of mammalian like, mammal-like brain activity. But other pulses from the nervous neurons of octopuses were completely bizarre. These were long lasting, slow oscillations with large amplitudes, which indicates, uh, relatively strong electrical activity. These have not been reported before.

Koji: [00:25:54] Are you guys thinking the same thing I am? Maybe we should stop eating them.

Dwayne: [00:25:57] I wasn't thinking that, actually.

Koji: [00:25:59] Oh, really?

Cat: [00:26:00] Yeah, I've been thinking about that leading up to this podcast I actually had. Yeah, I've eaten tiny octopus before. And then last week I had, like one arm. It was pretty good. But worth it? No, it tastes just like any other seafood. So why would I want to eat an octopus?

Ben: [00:26:13] You've just eaten a little bit of octopus, but you're considering dabbling more. I get you.

Cat: [00:26:18] Opposite. I'm pulling back. I'm saying I don't want to continue dabbling.

Ben: [00:26:21] So you're into it? Got it.

Koji: [00:26:24] I like to eat octopus, you know.

Ben: [00:26:27] About a nine some. Here's here's what I don't get about so part of me really wants to watch that My Octopus Friend documentary. But everybody says after you watch it, you can't eat octopus anymore. And I've already pulled back. Also on eating octopus just because of how intelligent they are. But I feel like that's always the big reason people like to give for not eating certain animals. They say, oh, they're smart. That seems so classist. Like why? Why would we only not eat an animal because it's smart. It's fine to eat dumb things? Like, do we eat dumb people? Or we're not going to eat a smart person? But if they're dumb, we could throw them in a cage or eat them.

Koji: [00:27:03] I guess we have to eat MAGA people. Is that what I'm

Ben: [00:27:05] Yeah. Why is why is the intelligence level what's deciding.

Dwayne: [00:27:09] Right. Right. Like. Yeah. Like if a plane crashes in the Alps or something like that or

Ben: [00:27:14] Right, I would never kill him, he's smart.

Dwayne: [00:27:16] You have to take a test and see who we're going to eat first. You know what I mean?

Cat: [00:27:19] But the thing is, it's like this is based off of biology. It's biologically smart. Like five-year-old, right? It's it's not based off of a classist system. Right. That's what's different.

Ben: [00:27:29] Why does intelligence matter if it's a living being? If it's a living aware being why does it matter if it's smart or if it's dumb?

Cat: [00:27:36] Because it might be like more aware than the other ones. Like it's able to put together a coherent narrative about like, this is my family.

Dwayne: [00:27:42] With that logic, you shouldn't eat anything that can feel pain.

Ben: [00:27:44] No, she makes a good point. Cat makes a good point, that maybe it's beyond just its own awareness of its own self. Once it has like family connections, once it can miss things, then it's just extra sad because you're like also leaving sad family members behind that aren't eating.

Koji: [00:28:03] Well then you should just eat all of them.

Ben: [00:28:04] No that's another way to look at it. Yeah. Because all of a sudden I was picturing every octopus. Now that's being eaten.

Dwayne: [00:28:09] Right.

Ben: [00:28:10] Like Bruce Willis at the end of Armageddon. Going down that tube being like, I'll see you son or I won't see you.

Dwayne: [00:28:16] And the other thing is, maybe because they know getting eaten is on the table, maybe that's that's caused them to love each other stronger and be more appreciative if they get.

Ben: [00:28:27] Getting eaten is really good for their family relationships.

Dwayne: [00:28:29] Because they don't they don't take any moments for granted.

Ben: [00:28:32] All right. I'll I'll say this. Armageddon some octopus on the way home tonight and eating the shit out of it.

Koji: [00:28:40] Yeah. You can't appreciate life unless there's death. So you're saying we're doing a favor?

Dwayne: [00:28:44] Maybe not a favor, but. But they've been together in a sense. You know what I mean? I mean.

Cat: [00:28:49] I think it's good that we eat them so that they don't take over. I think that's the only thing that's keeping them from taking over the world.

Ben: [00:28:54] The fact that we're slowly, slowly culling the herd over.

Dwayne: [00:28:56] And they and they can't survive. Can they survive out of water?

Koji: [00:28:59] Yeah.

Ben: [00:29:00] Oh, my god, I just got freaked the fuck out. We're talking about eating animals and an animal just very quickly, large animal started coming at me. That was not in this room before, and I thought it was going to be octopus. Literally, for a second I had a mini heart attack. It was your dog, but I didn't know you had a doggy door there. I didn't know this was possible. I just all of a sudden saw an entity in my peripheral vision come at me with half the legs of an octopus.

Dwayne: [00:29:24] The timing was

Ben: [00:29:25] Oo, I mean, that was wild. It was like, don't be eating any of us.

Cat: [00:29:30] Mm.

Ben: [00:29:31] That was intense, dude. Literally. I might go vegan after that moment. That was wild. Yeah, I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes.

Cat: [00:29:39] We all listened to an NPR article about what an octopus' mind tells us about aliens, and we'll put a link in our show notes. What did you guys think?

Ben: [00:29:47] The thing that was most fascinating, the article to me was that you mentioned it briefly, but they have like hundreds of brains. Like every one of their suckers has its own individual brain, and they only send messages to the main central brain when necessary. So they analogized it to like a computer processor that processes all the information. Then the central brain only gets the search results. It's kind of like that. That's wild. Also kind of like Reddit upvoting they said like it only upvotes the things that are important when it finds when one of the brains, one of the suckers finds something of interest, it then tells the nearby suckers, then it upvotes it and it kind of creates an alert to all the other brains. Start coming this way, and then it eventually deems it worthy to go to the main brain. That is very different than human development in a creepy way. Impressive.

Cat: [00:30:33] I thought that's how men's wieners work. Is that not? I'm kidding.

Ben: [00:30:39] That's a strong fact. I don't know that the word wiener is the one to choose. But no, there's no less attractive word. Yeah, for what we got going on down there.

Cat: [00:30:48] I just felt like there might be kids listening, so I decided to go with the kid version.

Ben: [00:30:51] There's kids listening?

Koji: [00:30:53] No, there's no.

Ben: [00:30:54] Pee pee maybe is worse. They're both not great. All three of those are not good.

Cat: [00:30:57] No. But don't human men have 

Ben: [00:30:58] We already talked about pussy 17 times. So if kids are listening, I don't think this is the time to draw the line.

Cat: [00:31:03] Okay, well, I heard male genitalia are controlled by some, like, other nerves that are below, like

Ben: [00:31:10] I mean, we definitely can't always control what's happening down there.

Dwayne: [00:31:12] At the gut. 

Cat: [00:31:14] It's not as smart as an octopus arm, clearly.

Koji: [00:31:16] No. No, mine is.

Cat: [00:31:19] That's because you're Asian.

Koji: [00:31:20] Oh, there you go.

Ben: [00:31:21] And it can't. It's not as smart, but it can squeeze into all kinds of holes, I'll tell you that. It can squeeze anywhere. It could fit in. But yeah, I mean, multiple brains is wild.

Koji: [00:31:32] If it was just bigger, it would take over the world.

Cat: [00:31:34] Well, I mean, the ones in the Pacific Northwest are pretty huge. Um,

Koji: [00:31:37] How big are they?

Cat: [00:31:38] Giant they're like, they can be up to six hundred pounds. Oh, yeah. They look like. And I was looking at some National Geographic footage of them. They look like giant rocks. Like if they just stay put because they have all these, like, ridges and shit on them, and they just look like rocks. And then all of a sudden it, like, starts moving and you see its arms flailing.

Ben: [00:31:54] Great impression you did with your arms.

Cat: [00:31:55] Thank you. I know, I wish we had video. But I'm like flailing my arms about.

Dwayne: [00:31:59] Got quite a double take. I thought you had, like, four arms. Yeah, yeah.

Cat: [00:32:02] I talk with my hands. Um, it's cultural.

Ben: [00:32:05] Probably because you're white.

Cat: [00:32:06] What? No.

Koji: [00:32:09] We could both be white women.

Cat: [00:32:10] Okay.

Koji: [00:32:11] Yeah. Okay.

Cat: [00:32:12] No, but it's crazy. And then there's videos of the octopuses actually wrestling sharks, so they'll get, like, smaller sharks. I want to see that. And they just grab them. And so, you know how sharks have to keep moving in order to breathe. If they stop swimming, they can't breathe and they suffocate. Well, to kill a shark, all they have to do is make it stop moving, and then it dies. And then they eat it with their beak.

Koji: [00:32:32] Sharks have been getting killed a lot. I mean, a lot of orcas have been killing sharks like great whites.

Ben: [00:32:36] Orcas have been killing boats, too. Attacking boats.

Koji: [00:32:39] Oh, actually, they just came out with why. Did you hear why?

Ben: [00:32:41] No, they just came out with why?

Koji: [00:32:42] Um, they said that they're bored.

Ben: [00:32:43] They're bored?

Koji: [00:32:44] Uh, orcas are highly intelligent. That's why we don't eat them. But yeah, they they're basically they're just saying they're bored, and they just started messing with boats.

Dwayne: [00:32:51] We just got to drop some waterproof tablets in the ocean.

Ben: [00:32:54] Waterproof tablets?

Cat: [00:32:55] Oh, like an iPad?

Dwayne: [00:32:56] Yeah, yeah.

Cat: [00:32:58] I was thinking, like, toilet bowl.

Dwayne: [00:33:01] No, like, uh. Yeah, electronic.

Ben: [00:33:03] You just don't want to use a brand name there.

Dwayne: [00:33:04] Right, right.

Koji: [00:33:05] Until they pay us.

Ben: [00:33:06] Fair enough.

Cat: [00:33:07] Aw, man, I completely missed that. I just said it. I was just like, yeah, iPads. Okay, it's time to put on our thinking caps. Are octopuses actually aliens? When we return, we'll settle this once and for all and figure out what really maybe happened. Now that we've reviewed the evidence, let's give our theories.

Koji: [00:33:27] Who wants to go first?

Dwayne: [00:33:28] I don't want to step on anyone's toes. And my theory isn't, like, somewhat farfetched. But here's what I think. Because some some of the theories are like they were a meteorite hit and it had like, you know, some mic, some, um, octopus matter. And then they just sort of evolved from there. I think that they are aliens, but they were sent here. And you know how like in regular jobs, you know, people don't do a great job. Sometimes people just don't do their jobs well. So whoever was at the home planet, they were scoping out some places to, you know, maybe live, maybe take over. And, uh, he came across Earth and he's like, oh, yeah, this works. And he was like, who's the you know, what's going to be the dominant thing? What's going to be, you know. And he saw that it was covered mainly with water. So he was like, yes, yes. He didn't like do all his homework. So when they came they could survive. They live in the water. But um, they lost contact to the home planet. Right. So now they just kind of waiting around, but they're biding their time. And if their home planet ever comes back, then at that point they can take over. And anyone who's ever eaten calamari, you have a little bit of octopus sort of DNA inside you and your microbiome, like in microbiomes in your, um, gut. So at that point, if you're ever eating, eaten any octopus, not calamari, but any kind of octopus, when they come back, they'll take over your body. You may not become an octopus, but you will be able to become invisible because of some of the traits they have.

Cat: [00:34:55] I wish I had chromatophores.

Dwayne: [00:34:57] Yeah, so. Well, if you've ever. You do because you ate some octopus in your life.

Cat: [00:35:02] That's true.

Dwayne: [00:35:02] So yeah, that's my theory is that they are aliens. Just sort of bad Intel. They didn't they came to the wrong planet. They lost contact with their home planet, but now they're just biding their time. And if the home planet ever contacts us and makes contact with them, they will take over. And they'll take over our bodies as well.

Ben: [00:35:19] That'd be great. Quick side note, uh, it's not pronounced calamari or whoever you said it's calamari.

Dwayne: [00:35:24] Oh. Is it?

Ben: [00:35:25] Yeah. That sounds so stupid the way you said it.

Dwayne: [00:35:33] That's great. It probably is an Italian who knows, right.

Ben: [00:35:35] Calamari it's calamari.

Koji: [00:35:37] Let me share a story real quick. First, when I was a kid, I went to Japan and I went to, like, really expensive sushi restaurant with my mom, and there was an octopus. And it started moving in the bowl and I started screaming because I was like, oh my god, it's moving. And I so I recognized the truth then I just didn't know it until now. Grey aliens are Asians. 

Ben: [00:35:55] Who says that?

Koji: [00:35:55] People online, they think that the great alien, you know, the Greys with the large eyes, they think they're hairless, like Asian people. They think they're small. They think robotic like Asians. They think they're smart at math and stuff like that. So a lot of people think that Asians are the Greys. Well, they are I mean, we've already figured that out on this show multiple times.

Ben: [00:36:11] I would like to know how it is, even that Asian people have both the stereotype of large eyes and small eyes.

Dwayne: [00:36:20] It's more the shape of the eyes.

Koji: [00:36:21] Yeah, yeah. It's more of the shape. Like they're like almond-shaped. I don't know, this is just some people online. 

Ben: [00:36:26] I'll never look at almonds the same.

Koji: [00:36:28] Okay. So, if they 

Ben: [00:36:31] A bowl of Asian eyes? I think I'm good. That's amazing friends I'm gonna pass on that.

Koji: [00:36:36] Yeah, well, and we're smart too, so you shouldn't eat us. I mean, just kidding.

Dwayne: [00:36:39] Some Asian eye milk? 

Ben: [00:36:41] Asian tears is almond milk. Right?

Cat: [00:36:47] Oh, no.

Ben: [00:36:48] Oh no.

Koji: [00:36:51] Okay, so grey aliens are Asians. And I recognize at that Japanese restaurant that octopuses are, you know, like they're aliens. And it's just a small leap to go from that. Octopuses are actually Asian.

Dwayne: [00:37:05] So, they're they're another.

Ben: [00:37:08] I miss that logic.

Cat: [00:37:10] Yeah.

Dwayne: [00:37:11] Another part. Like are they related to the Greys or they're another set a set

Koji: [00:37:16] We came from the octopuses.

Dwayne: [00:37:18] The Greys okay.

Koji: [00:37:19] The Greys did and the Asians.

Cat: [00:37:21] Because Greys are Asians. Therefore, if the Greys came from octopuses, so did the Asians is the tran. So, the evolution is octopus, Grey, Asian?

Dwayne: [00:37:30] Is that why Asians are good at breakdancing?

Ben: [00:37:34] Is that what Grey's Anatomy is about?

Koji: [00:37:38] That's why we're good at camouflage. I mean, ninjas.

Dwayne: [00:37:40] I see. I see.

Koji: [00:37:41] We're done. No more theories. This is the theory right here.

Dwayne: [00:37:45] But are they aliens or they are aliens and they're Asian. That's what you're saying?

Koji: [00:37:49] Yes.

Dwayne: [00:37:50] Okay. 

Koji: [00:37:50] We're all. It's like just a line.

Dwayne: [00:37:51] I got you.

Koji: [00:37:52] I'm not. I mean, I'm not a hundred percent sure. It's like what Cat was saying, that octopus, alien Greys, Asians. It could just be like some version, like, you know how Neanderthals and Homo sapiens are, kinda? Like, we're all kind of in the same family.

Ben: [00:38:05] Ten years ago, I would have definitely chimed in on this part of the podcast. I was gonna kind of let it go by, you know.

Koji: [00:38:15] Alright, Cat.

Dwayne: [00:38:15] What's changed in ten years?

Koji: [00:38:17] Cat, what is your theory?

Cat: [00:38:18] Alright, my theory. I'm gonna, I'm gonna be the boring one. I'm gonna say that we just evolved in such separate. Places on the planet, right? They evolved like so deep and and like, look, if humans evolved to be as smart as we are, then, like, just by pure chance, there's going to be other things that are as smart as we are too. Like, why would we be special? Right? So octopuses are the under the water version of that. And then there's also orcas and dolphins. We're also super smart. So like of course there's going to be something else that's super smart. But, I do think there had to be some kind of like supernatural thing that happened. Like there has to. So it's like there was an alien spaceship and it like beamed down on their DNA to change it, because that's how people.

Koji: [00:39:03] Wait how did you start this? How did you start this talk? You said, I'm going to be boring and I'm going to

Dwayne: [00:39:09] So somehow they were touched by an alien.

Cat: [00:39:10] They were touched by an alien. Yeah. Like some the spaceship came and, like, beamed down radioactive stuff that, like, hit the DNA of, like, some dumb fish worm.

Dwayne: [00:39:19] Maybe the aliens were going to eat them, and then they were like, no

Cat: [00:39:23] No, no, no. It's not that involved. This is a little bit more of a detached alien theory. It's like aliens passing by in the spaceship. Zap the water.

Dwayne: [00:39:31] Not on purpose or on purpose?

Cat: [00:39:33] Maybe on purpose. Maybe they're fishing. Maybe they want food. There's zap. They're doing a stop like they always do. They go zzz in the water and it affects the DNA of a dumb worm fish and makes it super smart and that becomes octopuses.

Dwayne: [00:39:45] Maybe. Maybe they made us too.

Cat: [00:39:47] Like, every time they pass by, they, like, zap some random thing.

Koji: [00:39:50] Maybe that's how they created Asians.

Cat: [00:39:53] You guys got zapped twice.

Koji: [00:39:55] Yes.

Cat: [00:39:55] That's why you're special.

Koji: [00:39:59] Alright, Ben, what's your theory here?

Ben: [00:40:01] I'll tell you the real truth. But also, as a side note, if you're curious, I had an encounter with an orca once as well. What?

Koji: [00:40:06] Wait what?

Ben: [00:40:08] It was a

Cat: [00:40:08] Are you just one of those people who lies?

Dwayne: [00:40:11] Wait. You were at your tent and you look up?

Ben: [00:40:15] No, this was less direct, but it was deeply spooky. I was at SeaWorld with my family, and we saw the orca show the last show of the day. And then the park closes and we all walk to the exit of the park and at the exit, so nobody's really left in the park. I realized I left my sweatshirt in the seats, so I'm just like, I left my sweatshirt, I'm gonna go get it. And I sprint back through the park and I'm through this closed Sea Life park. And I go back into the orca area, and I get my sweatshirt and I start walking across the bridge. So now the orcas are not in the show area. They're in the back area where the pool is, and there's just one that's all the way in the far end. And he sees me crossing the bridge and literally swims across the pool under where I am on the bridge, looks up and literally goes. Like it was asking me to like, free him or something.

Cat: [00:41:07] Oh no. 

Ben: [00:41:07] It was the creepiest. It was so creepy and intense and like heartfelt and emotional and also very scary. Like, even though I was like a good forty feet above this tank, I felt like it was about to like jump up and like break the glass tank. Like it was just so intense. And I sprinted off that bridge after that moment happened and went back to my parents.

Koji: [00:41:26] I think you're in the wrong business. Everything. You have so many animal stories. You have like a lion story.

Cat: [00:41:30] You should have an animal show.

Ben: [00:41:31] You can't understand why my dog is suddenly barking a lot at night. Every night. I can't figure it out.

Dwayne: [00:41:35] I was like. What I like about that story is like, maybe he was saying, help me, but maybe he was just saying, nice shoes. Yeah. You know, maybe.

Ben: [00:41:43] What's up man? True. It's it's true.

Koji: [00:41:45] You're gonna be on Young Turks later.

Ben: [00:41:49] Big fan of the Young Turks, man. You fucking ass. He's one of my haters. Block. Um, but here's the real truth about octopus is they are aliens. I think we've established that that's true. But what happened was they live on an eight pronged planet that kind of looks like your headphone splitter. They live on an eight pronged planet that just has tentacles coming out of it. And every, every time an octopus is born on that planet, it spawns off little mini octopi that just replicate the size and shape of the planet. But they themselves become the flying saucer, so to speak.

Dwayne: [00:42:24] So they're like a flying saucer, or they're like a mini planet.

Ben: [00:42:28] They're like, well, like a mini planet, but they can travel and direct very well. So they're more like a direct, more like an asteroid, I suppose. And they can obviously fly and float with the kind of the eight arms, you know, if you had any less, it wouldn't suffice. And, um, the reason they came to Earth, though, you were wrong about what you thought Dwayne the reason they came to Earth was a lot of people don't know this, but Red Lobster initially. I don't know why you would laugh at that. Red Lobster was originally going to be called the Purple Octopus, and it was going to be serving exclusively octopi. And you'd get a discount if you came with a party of eight. Otherwise you had to just bring doggy bags or octopus bags, as it were. And so they heard about this, and they knew that, that they'd already pre-colonized Earth and they were like roaming free a lot. And that was one of their favorite places. Like, like you guys mentioned that they like the water. They wanted to come swim, but and it was a good environment for them. But they needed to stop the the Purple Octopus from launching. And so they came and surrounded like in a kind of a goo-gel manner, the Red Lobster headquarters that was at the time called the Purple Octopus. And they didn't let anybody in there breathe, kind of like holding a shark until it doesn't move anymore. And they communicated in various different ways, like an orca on a bridge or whatever way they communicate in different ways. And they convinced them like, fuck the lobsters, like lobsters is who you should go for. They're delicious. It's kind of like a, like a challenge to get in there.

Dwayne: [00:43:51] So they kind of put this idea in there.

Ben: [00:43:52] That's right. They sold they threw lobsters under the bus. I see. And to this day forward, lobsters, you know, get eaten at a rapid rate and you eat a lot less octopus. We still eat octopus. But there's no chain restaurant at least. 

Dwayne: [00:44:06] Now Red Lobster is going out of business. So they

Ben: [00:44:09] Are they?

Cat: [00:44:09] Mhm. Yeah. They're closing down like a thousand.

Ben: [00:44:12] Really? Why?

Cat: [00:44:13] Who goes there? When was the last time you went to one?

Ben: [00:44:15] It's a very good point. I dated a girl for a minute who loves Red Lobster. Yeah, yeah. Wait, did I date her? No, I didn't date her.

Dwayne: [00:44:23] I feel like it's like, um.

Cat: [00:44:24] You're like I just heard about her on NPR.

Dwayne: [00:44:26] It's like some form of white flight. You know?

Ben: [00:44:28] No, I think I thought about dating her and then how much she liked Red Lobster really threw me off.

Dwayne: [00:44:32] Right? Right, right.

Cat: [00:44:34] Like this is a red flag.

Ben: [00:44:35] But I kind of wanted to, like, hang out with her long enough to go to Red lobster because I hadn't been there in a long time and I didn't do it. I would like to go to one before they do shut down operations.

Dwayne: [00:44:43] Well, it's kind of odd if like, I mean, we're still going to Olive Garden. I mean, it seems like

Ben: [00:44:47] It's cruel to the olives.

Dwayne: [00:44:48] They're the same kind of place. You know? 

Ben: [00:44:50] It's very cruel to the olives. And the bread is very mean to the bread.

Cat: [00:44:52] One time there was a fellow who wanted to be my manager, but I was like, something's off about this guy. And he was like. 

Ben: [00:44:57] A fellow? 

Cat: [00:44:57] Yeah, a guy. And, uh, someone with a wiener. You guys, he wanted to be my manager.

Ben: [00:45:02] Incredible.

Cat: [00:45:03] And he's like, let's get lunch and talk. And I was like, something's off about this guy. And you know where he took me? Red Lobster.

Ben: [00:45:09] Really?

Cat: [00:45:09] And that was the final straw. I was like, there is something wrong with this person.

Koji: [00:45:13] Was he an octopus?

Cat: [00:45:13] Yeah.

Ben: [00:45:14] Can we even mention also the fact that this is not talked about a lot and a lot of, you know, lobsters are delicacy. People love it. It's tasteless.

Cat: [00:45:21] It really is.

Ben: [00:45:21] You don't dip it in, you don't dip it in butter or at least spray lemon on it. It feels like you're. And also biting and chewy styrofoam.

Dwayne: [00:45:28] It used to be what poor people ate

Cat: [00:45:30] Really? 

Koji: [00:45:31] Because it's trash.

Dwayne: [00:45:32] Switched around somehow because.

Koji: [00:45:33] It's on the bottom of the ocean. Eats all the trash.

Ben: [00:45:35] That's right it's like a sea anemone I'm seeing enemies.

Koji: [00:45:38] Say it again.

Ben: [00:45:39] It's like a sea anemone I'm seeing enemies. Nice.

Cat: [00:45:41] Nice. I don't know if you knew this, but Ben is a prolific rapper.

Ben: [00:45:43] That's right. Yeah.

Dwayne: [00:45:44] So your theory to recap Ben is they are

Ben: [00:45:48] Good luck with this. Yep.

Dwayne: [00:45:49] They came here to chillax.

Ben: [00:45:52] Yep. Initially yes. In a kind of kind of Superman style.

Dwayne: [00:45:56] Then at some point, either we rose to prominence or they knew we would and they knew we were going to open Red Lobsters.

Ben: [00:46:03] They found out.

Dwayne: [00:46:03] They found out. And they convinced the Red Lobster people to switch and not be called the

Ben: [00:46:08] Yeah, through a hostile takeover.

Dwayne: [00:46:10] Purple Octopus.

Ben: [00:46:12] Correct.

Dwayne: [00:46:12] And they did that by some brain waves or hostile takeover or did they just?

Ben: [00:46:17] Kind of like a hostile takeover of the building, but then brainwave communication kind of or or bridge-style.

Dwayne: [00:46:22] I see, I see, I see. You think we would have heard about that? But then again, maybe, maybe, maybe they also told the Red Lobster people, you know, keep this under wraps.

Cat: [00:46:30] Yeah, well, they erased their memories, like in Men in Black.

Dwayne: [00:46:33] Maybe yeah, yeah, yeah.

Koji: [00:46:33] And it's probably the same thing for Boiling Crab. It's probably boiling

Ben: [00:46:37] Crab's, tasty.

Ben: [00:46:39] Crab's pretty tasty, but it's still how you season it

Ben: [00:46:41] Also true. And as a total tangent, just because it's above your head, there's a poster that says Dermot Mulroney on it, and it really bothers me that his name is pronounced Mulrooney when it's spelled Mulroney.

Dwayne: [00:46:52] Yeah. He needs another O right.

Ben: [00:46:54] Otherwise, go fuck yourself. Mulrooney. Dermot Mulroney. 

Dwayne: [00:46:58] This is this is Koji's movie Ruthless by the way.

Ben: [00:47:01] Is it?

Dwayne: [00:47:01] Yeah. Good movie I saw. It's on. Uh. What? Hulu? 

Cat: [00:47:04] Hulu.

Dwayne: [00:47:04] Yeah, but he looks like Wolverine in this picture.

Ben: [00:47:07] He does.

Cat: [00:47:07] Yeah, I see it.

Dwayne: [00:47:08] Yeah.

Ben: [00:47:09] Um, Wolveroone two Os.

Koji: [00:47:11] Wolveroone.

Cat: [00:47:13] At this point, it's time for us to pick the Unofficial Official Story, one that will answer this question once and for all. So which theory do we want to go with today?

Dwayne: [00:47:23] See, the thing is, I like them all. But in mine we have sort of like almost like Invasion of the Body Snatchers. And a lot of us have sort of this latent octopus DNA inside of

Ben: [00:47:33] Which does give us superpowers if if they ever do click that back on.

Cat: [00:47:37] Like sleeper agents.

Dwayne: [00:47:38] Right, right.

Koji: [00:47:39] But we all. 

Ben: [00:47:40] Sleepless agents.

Koji: [00:47:40] We all know that they're Asians, so.

Dwayne: [00:47:42] Right.

Koji: [00:47:43] I mean, I mean, have you ever wondered why we eat sushi? I mean, we eat seafood.

Cat: [00:47:47] It's the same food that the octopuses eat.

Koji: [00:47:49] Exactly. And, you know, why do we do so well on the SAT?

Dwayne: [00:47:53] Right.

Koji: [00:47:54] We have 20 brains.

Ben: [00:47:55] I feel like you keep trying to bait me into making. You the only one that continually keeps bringing up Asian stereotypes this whole podcast.

Dwayne: [00:48:04] Because what would happen is whatever you said in response, they'd cut what Koji said first out.

Ben: [00:48:10] Exactly.

Dwayne: [00:48:11] And it would just you would just sound crazy. Whatever the thing is.

Ben: [00:48:13] I'd like to be on SNL one day, then get fired and then become one of the biggest comics in the world. Am I falling for this?

Dwayne: [00:48:19] But also, maybe that's why Asians spend their pens on their fingers. You know, it's like.

Cat: [00:48:24] Is that a thing?

Ben: [00:48:25] That I will go on the limb and say, Asians do spin their pens on their fingers.

Dwayne: [00:48:28] Between the fingers and around and

Cat: [00:48:30] Very good at it.

Dwayne: [00:48:31] Yeah, yeah.

Cat: [00:48:31] I'm a level one pen spinner because I had Asian classmates, but I never really you know.

Koji: [00:48:35] Asian classmates.

Dwayne: [00:48:36] I'm level one.

Koji: [00:48:37] I mean, I could do the Asian squat.

Cat: [00:48:39] I don't know what that is.

Koji: [00:48:40] Asian squat?

Cat: [00:48:41] No.

Koji: [00:48:42] That's when they sit down. Like, you know, like squatting with their feet on the ground. Okay.

Cat: [00:48:46] I didn't know that belonged to you guys.

Ben: [00:48:48] Squatting is Asian now?

Dwayne: [00:48:49] I think it's the indigenous squat. Right? Or just

Koji: [00:48:52] But it's it's called the Asian squat.

Ben: [00:48:53] Instead of sitting on a chair?

Koji: [00:48:54] Yeah, like they just sit on. We could just sit with, you know, squatting. And just do things. 

Ben: [00:49:00] Comfortably?

Koji: [00:49:00] Yeah.

Dwayne: [00:49:01] Without even touching.

Ben: [00:49:02] Forever?

Cat: [00:49:02] So you have like, bendier knees? Is that what you're saying?

Dwayne: [00:49:05] We all used to be able to do that. Maybe you are octopuses. Until we started sitting in chairs.

Ben: [00:49:08] That's wild. I'd like to see what this looks like. Here we go. You're comfortable like this? No way.

Koji: [00:49:17] Actually, that's how my son became a catcher. Was he was at a baseball practice. He was at a baseball practice. And the coach was like, are you comfortable? And my son was like, yeah, he said, you should be a catcher. And then that day, my son's like, I'm gonna be a catcher. And I was like

Dwayne: [00:49:28] Shouldn't there be a lot more catchers who are Asian in the major leagues?

Ben: [00:49:33] True and I feel like that coach just had a weird theory, because that's not the only thing you need to be a good actor is to be comfortable in that position. You also have to be comfortable with having hard rocks thrown at you at ninety miles an hour.

Dwayne: [00:49:44] That's true, that's true.

Ben: [00:49:45] Which is a very I caught once for like a third of a season in Little League.

Dwayne: [00:49:49] Yeah.

Ben: [00:49:49] Horrible.

Dwayne: [00:49:50] And you got to be okay with that bat whizzing by you.

Ben: [00:49:52] Bat whizzing by you, people swinging, foul balls hitting you. Somehow the ball always found a way like between my knee pad and my shin and my thigh pad. And I got even hit somehow in the one inch of exposed skin.

Cat: [00:50:03] Also, someone could fart on you while they're batting.

Ben: [00:50:06] Okay, well, that's taking it too far.

Cat: [00:50:07] That's the worst part.

Dwayne: [00:50:07] That's true. I mean you are outside, but yeah, I guess.

Ben: [00:50:10] You're outside. You're crouched down. It's a terrible it's a terrible job. The only thing that's cool about it is you are responsible for half of the great pop that when it hits that glove. Right? Right. And that catcher's mitt makes a pop different than any other mitt.

Dwayne: [00:50:21] And you can you can like, make pitches, strikes that aren't you can frame it and you can tell a pitcher what the pitch. So it's kind of cool.

Ben: [00:50:27] Yeah. Yeah, it's always funny to me that the catcher chooses what the pitcher pitches like. The pitcher can't decide this on his own. He needs a guy. He can wave it off. He has veto rights, but he doesn't get to decide what he's pitching. It's really strange. He has to just keep being like, um.

Koji: [00:50:40] Because the catchers are smarter than the pitchers. That's what the general.

Ben: [00:50:43] 'Cause a lot of them are Asian.

Cat: [00:50:45] By the way, if you're wondering why so many tangents this episode we're recording at 10 p.m. at this point.

Dwayne: [00:50:53] But maybe the catch is also like, definitely gonna be a fastball. Then he's like, curve. I told him, fastball. Make sure it's a curve, you know, that kind of thing. So okay.

Koji: [00:51:01] So which one do you guys vote for?

Dwayne: [00:51:02] I think we're stalling too I think we can't pick.

Cat: [00:51:04] I think mine is great. I think mine is very grounded in aliens just zapping the DNA but not fully being involved.

Ben: [00:51:11] We're all going to vote for our own.

Dwayne: [00:51:13] I'm gonna say this. I'll. I really like mine. And I encourage you to vote for mine. I like Ben's too, because it was just so far out. But I'm actually going to go with Cat's.

Cat: [00:51:22] Thank you.

Dwayne: [00:51:22] Because it's sort of like, yeah, aliens impacted the situation, but they're not actual aliens. But they were touched by an alien.

Cat: [00:51:31] It's a sprinkle.

Dwayne: [00:51:32] I think that's a nice sort of like

Ben: [00:51:33] Sprinkle of alien.

Cat: [00:51:34] Yeah.

Dwayne: [00:51:34] It's a nice middle ground, and I think it's it's a little bit quite possible.

Cat: [00:51:38] Like how Elizabeth Warren is Native American. It's just a sprinkle. It's a tiny bit. It's the same way that I'm black.

Ben: [00:51:45] And she dresses purple all the time. Loves to wear that purple jumpsuit. The purple business suit.

Koji: [00:51:52] I'm voting for Red Lobster because I just like the idea that it used to be called Purple Octopus.

Dwayne: [00:51:58] It's actually not bad. And so. And, Ben, you're voting for.

Ben: [00:52:01] I was gonna vote for Cat's to give her, but now that I got a vote, I'm voting for my own.

Cat: [00:52:05] Okay, so now we have a tie.

Ben: [00:52:06] Tie. Two. Two. Yes, yes. Tie break goes to your guest, obviously.

Dwayne: [00:52:11] Yeah, I guess so.

Koji: [00:52:12] Yeah, we could go with that. So. Yeah. So. Yeah. Sorry, Cat. You lost.

Ben: [00:52:17] Your idea was ridiculous. Yeah.

Koji: [00:52:20] There's absolutely zero merit in your story.

Ben: [00:52:23] What planet are you from to even come up with this? Zapping the water. Okay.

Cat: [00:52:29] What? Uh, weird.

Ben: [00:52:30] Okay. Obviously, they just commandeered aggressively and made a hostile takeover of the Red Lobster headquarters. Try to stay grounded, if you can.

Cat: [00:52:38] Yeah, right. I'll try harder next time.

Dwayne: [00:52:39] Space Odyssey 2001. The original scene with the where the chimps touch the thing

Koji: [00:52:39] Was actually octopus.

Dwayne: [00:52:45] It was octopus. And they were like. And then people were like, this makes no sense.

Ben: [00:52:50] Anybody want to go to the market with me straight from here and get octopus and just eat up?

Cat: [00:52:55] I think they're gonna be closed.

Ben: [00:52:56] There's probably still an Asian market that is open twenty four hours and has octopus fresh right now.

Koji: [00:52:59] Oh, I'm sure we Asians like to eat anything.

Dwayne: [00:53:01] Just drive around Alhambra.

Ben: [00:53:03] Yeah, Alhambra is definitely got some Hoctopus. Yeah. Hot octopus is Hoctopus. Let's go cruising for Hoctopus. You know what I mean? It's not the way I meant it.

Cat: [00:53:16] Well,

Ben: [00:53:17] Sorry.

Cat: [00:53:17] And that is the official story. We'll take another break, and we'll answer for our sins.

Dwayne: [00:53:25] Assuming the octopuses are aliens, and assuming they decided to get revenge against humans for eating them, which one of us would be spared? And which one of us would be punished by the octopus overlords?

Cat: [00:53:37] Okay, so are you basically saying we're all going to get eaten except for one

Dwayne: [00:53:37] Right. You mean one in this room right now?

Koji: [00:53:42] Yeah, in this room.

Dwayne: [00:53:44] Well, I mean, Ben just just suggested we go get some more octopus.

Ben: [00:53:49] Everybody knows I was saying that to save them. And when we headed out, I was going to free them all.

Dwayne: [00:53:53] Right. Right, right.

Ben: [00:53:57] You'll find wherever the market is, find out where the Asian octopus market is. And that's why. Otherwise, I wouldn't know.

Cat: [00:54:03] You're going to be the Liam Neeson of octopus.

Dwayne: [00:54:05] Yeah, you're gonna break the tank.

Ben: [00:54:06] What I do have is a very particular set of skills to release octopuses into the wild. You wouldn't like me when I'm hungry.

Dwayne: [00:54:16] So, yeah, I think I think they would. I think they're going to spare me.

Cat: [00:54:20] What? Why?

Dwayne: [00:54:22] They probably like my theory. I don't think I've had. I've eaten that much octopus in my life. I don't know if calamari counts. I mean.

Ben: [00:54:30] Calamari is not an octopus.

Cat: [00:54:31] That's a squid.

Ben: [00:54:32] But it's also pronounced calamari.

Dwayne: [00:54:34] Calamari, right? They're related. They're related.

Ben: [00:54:36] The calamari calamity is, um, it's referred to. Are they related?

Koji: [00:54:39] Yeah.

Ben: [00:54:40] They're squids. Right?

Dwayne: [00:54:41] I think. 

Cat: [00:54:42] Cephalopods? 

Koji: [00:54:43] Yeah, they're cephalopods.

Dwayne: [00:54:43] I think they broke off evolutionarily. Like.  

Koji: [00:54:46] That's only if you believe in evolution.

Cat: [00:54:47] It's like. It's like squids were the jocks, and then octopuses were the people who who studied a lot more math. And they, like, evolved.

Koji: [00:54:55] Why are you looking at me? When you said math.

Cat: [00:54:57] I said meth when I looked at you.

Ben: [00:54:59] She said meth.

Dwayne: [00:55:00] Yeah. I just think.

Koji: [00:55:02] It's not you.

Dwayne: [00:55:03] Why not me? It's just not you. I think they I think they completely would be into what I do and they would be like, yeah, we're going to spare this guy.

Koji: [00:55:10] Okay so you know the story about the octopus moving in Japan? I actually ate it. So I mean, I'm.

Ben: [00:55:16] The octopus is what?

Koji: [00:55:17] You know how it was moving?

Ben: [00:55:18] When you screamed?

Koji: [00:55:19] Yeah, when I screamed, my mom made me eat it.

Ben: [00:55:20] Oh, yeah, she did.

Koji: [00:55:21] She did so,

Cat: [00:55:23] So it would punish you?

Koji: [00:55:24] They would punish me.

Dwayne: [00:55:25] They'd punish you.

Cat: [00:55:26] I think they'd spare me.

Ben: [00:55:27] Why?

Cat: [00:55:27] Because I'm the woman and it can then use me to incubate its spawn.

Ben: [00:55:33] My god. That's a great argument. 

Dwayne: [00:55:36] I think you win with that one. 

Ben: [00:55:37] Yeah. Solid argument.

Cat: [00:55:39] I mean, I mean, is it being speared or is it also punishment? So that's that's what I think I would be the one kept. But.

Koji: [00:55:46] Although giving birth to a bunch of octopuses probably is not as bad as a human.

Cat: [00:55:50] They'd be human octopus, uh, cross hybrids.

Ben: [00:55:54] Although giving birth to an octopus would probably be pain free. 

Cat: [00:55:56] Oh yeah, because they have no bones.

Ben: [00:55:58] It would just slip right out.

Koji: [00:55:59] I mean, that's what girls say to me all the time.

Ben: [00:56:04] I'd probably get eaten by an octopus. Hopefully deep fried.

Dwayne: [00:56:09] Yeah, that's the way to go. I think I think based on your argument, they would. They would spare you.

Koji: [00:56:14] Yeah, that's.

Ben: [00:56:14] A great argument.

Dwayne: [00:56:15] That's a great argument. That's a great idea.

Cat: [00:56:16] It's I think it's what happens. Yeah. Unfortunately in battle with the women. So. That got dark.

Dwayne: [00:56:25] It did. Yeah.

Ben: [00:56:27] You know, even that archetype just stays across species, across planets.

Koji: [00:56:30] Yeah, so I'm on the Selective Service Board for Southern California. And when it comes up

Ben: [00:56:36] What does that mean?

Koji: [00:56:36] Um, if there's ever. 

Dwayne: [00:56:38] Like for the draft?

Koji: [00:56:38] Yeah. If there's ever a draft I would be on, I'm one of

Ben: [00:56:40] The California Guard?

Koji: [00:56:41] For Southern California.

Cat: [00:56:42] Well, like you would choose the people?

Koji: [00:56:43] No, if there was like, say, like you did, like your son didn't want to fight or something, and then they would eventually come to my board or the board that I'm on. But if it ever comes up and I don't want a woman, I will say what you just said, that you know, they're going to get impregnated. So we can't have we can't have women soldiers. Is that what you were saying? 

Cat: [00:57:03] Mhm. It's risky.

Dwayne: [00:57:04] You're saying if.

Ben: [00:57:05] I don't understand this board you're on, this is for the National Guard?

Koji: [00:57:08] No, no, it's if there's a draft, you know how, like when you turn 18, you have to draft. You have to sign up for the draft.

Ben: [00:57:13] You don't you don't go serve, you decide who serves?

Koji: [00:57:15] No, so.

Cat: [00:57:16] If people want to appeal it, he's on the board who would accept the appeals.

Koji: [00:57:17] Yeah, if you appeal it, I would I would 

Dwayne: [00:57:20] But women don't get drafted do they?

Koji: [00:57:21] No. But I think it's gonna it's gonna it's gonna change soon. I think. 

Ben: [00:57:24] I'd like to say you'll be spared because you're a great guy and you're really smart.

Koji: [00:57:28] Well, I'm too old. I'm too old, but I'm talking about like like young folks 

Ben: [00:57:31] I'm too old to never mind. You'll probably be eating.

Dwayne: [00:57:34] That's a good board to be on, though, because if it ever comes down to it, some rich dude is going to line your pockets.

Koji: [00:57:40] Although, to be fair, you know who the youngest person in this room is who would probably have the freshest meat. Cat.

Cat: [00:57:47] No. No.

Koji: [00:57:49] I mean, to be fair. 

Ben: [00:57:50] You're. You're being double.

Cat: [00:57:51] I think you're right, though. I'm i'm in my 30s. My, uh, my womb is not so fresh.

Ben: [00:57:58] My womb is my womb, right?

Ben: [00:58:02] My womb has seen a thing or two. It's a womb with a view. You know what I mean? Right?

Cat: [00:58:07] So that's our. That's our conclusion, you guys. Either way, not a very bright one for me. Uh, thank you, Ben, for coming on with us. Please tell us where people can follow you.

Ben: [00:58:17] That's very nice of you to ask. And it's been my pleasure being back here. I think we established that Elon Musk is an octopus, and I'm confusing episodes now. I'm conflating episodes. Uh, you can, uh, follow me at Ben Gleib on Instagram, X, uh, you know, the other ones Threads some. I don't really post that much there, but sometimes Instagram is really my heart and soul, TikTok. So follow me on there and you can see my shows there and my virtual shows. I got virtual shows every month. You can join me camera on, mic on, and be part of the fun of my really weird, improvised, global intimate show called Gleib Off the Top. So you know all that.

Koji: [00:58:59] Thank you all so much for listening. There are almost three million podcasts and we're honored you chose ours. Please check out our website, unofficialofficialstory.com, for show notes or to hear past episodes. Please follow us on Instagram, X, TikTok, and YouTube.

Cat: [00:59:12] And we'd love to hear from you. You can send us a message by clicking on the Contact Us button on our website, or leave us a voicemail. Click on the microphone button at the bottom of the homepage. Tell us what we got right or tell us what we got wrong. Or, uh, tell us how much you love us or hate us. Or if there's a topic you think we should cover, you can tell us that too. Or who would make the perfect guest? Let us know.

Dwayne: [00:59:34] Yes, and please consider writing a review of our show on the platform you use to listen to the podcast. We know it's a pain in the butt, but it does go a long way in helping the show. It helps us reach new listeners, grow our show, and most importantly, it enables us to keep putting out the content that we hope you enjoy.

Cat: [00:59:51] Please join us next month when we celebrate the anniversary of the personal computer by asking, does Bill Gates want to control the population?

Koji: [00:59:59] All right, guys.

Cat: [01:00:00] Alright.

Koji: [01:00:01] Have a great night.

Cat: [01:00:02] Goodnight everybody.

Koji: [01:00:02] Bye.

Ben: [01:00:03] We're brought to you, as always by Red Lobster.

 

Cat: [00:00:00] If you could be any animal. What would you be?

Dwayne: [00:00:03] I'm thinking shark because you get a whole week of, uh, of publicity and, um, you know, you're sort of the king of the ocean.

Koji: [00:00:13] Except for the orca. Orca will kill you.

Dwayne: [00:00:15] That's true. But, uh, you know, listen, we'll come to a sort of mutual understanding. You know what I mean? You do your thing, I'll do my thing over here. We'll call. You know what I mean? So I'm thinking shark or something in a circus would be great, too.

Koji: [00:00:27] A circus?

Dwayne: [00:00:28] Yeah. Something circus.

Cat: [00:00:29] I've heard bad things.

Koji: [00:00:30] You don't want to be in a circus dude.

Cat: [00:00:31] No.

Koji: [00:00:31] That's like the worst place.

Dwayne: [00:00:32] No, but, like, uh, there are probably new circuses now that are more animal friendly.

Koji: [00:00:36] They do. They don't do animals, basically. Yeah.

Cat: [00:00:38] So you just wouldn't be there. But you could be someone's emotional support dog at the circus.

Koji: [00:00:42] There you go.

Cat: [00:00:43] You wouldn't be in the show, but you'd be backstage with a nice lady, probably.

Koji: [00:00:46] Ben, what animal would you be?

Ben: [00:00:47] I'm allowed to talk already? Okay, great. Uh, I haven't been preparing an answer I didn't know I was, I was I was just fixated on the debris on the back of your hoodie. You got a lot of debris on your hoodie. Large amounts of debris.

Koji: [00:00:59] Oh, I was cleaning up back there.

Ben: [00:01:00] Oh. Fair enough.

Koji: [00:01:00] Sorry.

Ben: [00:01:01] No. No worries. I just, I was I was debris focused, I love debris. I would be, I would be an animal that that maybe like creates debris like a woodpecker that would just slowly pick at wood on top of Koji's head.

Koji: [00:01:13] Oh, nice on the head too.

Ben: [00:01:14] No, but I could, you know, I couldn't be that specific as to my location. I would just hope that some of it hit your shoulder or. Or a circus animal probably.

Koji: [00:01:25] A circus animal.

Dwayne: [00:01:26] Something, I guess, because we're showmen at the end of the day.

Ben: [00:01:27] I don't think they're fucking with the with the elephants too. Because we're showmen. Yeah, like put on a show. I don't think they can mess with the elephants too much because they're very large animals.

Koji: [00:01:37] No, but they, they do abuse them.

Ben: [00:01:39] They do?

Cat: [00:01:39] Yeah.

Koji: [00:01:40] That's why elephants aren't allowed in.

Cat: [00:01:41] You don't want. To be a circus animal.

Ben: [00:01:42] I don't?

Cat: [00:01:42] Full stop. No.

Ben: [00:01:43] Alright, but, like, what if I was into it?

Cat: [00:01:46] Okay, so, a kinky elephant got it.

Koji: [00:01:49] Yeah.

Dwayne: [00:01:50] Maybe. Maybe more of, like, a safari kind of animal, you know, like, it's kind of wilderness 

Cat: [00:01:54] Yeah like a free one.

Ben: [00:01:55] Well, that's better.

Dwayne: [00:01:56] Exactly. You know

Koji: [00:01:57] Or San Diego Wildlife Park.

Dwayne: [00:01:59] Something like that.

Ben: [00:01:59] No, they drug those guys up big time. I went as a kid with my parents, and there's, like, lions and they let you, like, roll your window down. They're not afraid that you're going to be murdered by a lion because they are, like, heavily sedated.

Koji: [00:02:09] Well, that's. Is that a problem?

Ben: [00:02:10] I mean, strong point.

Cat: [00:02:11] You get to do drugs and be a lion.

Ben: [00:02:14] Strong point. You get to do drugs and be a lion. I mean, those were the laziest lions. Like they were not intimidating. I would have probably, like, gone and poked one in the eye.

Cat: [00:02:21] That actually explains a lot. I always wondered why they're always just laying around and they're on heroin. That's why they never do anything.

Ben: [00:02:27] Dude, lion's pretty good.

Dwayne: [00:02:28] Yeah, lion.

Ben: [00:02:29] I might be a lion just in general. Even like a non-drugged up one. You still get to do a musical, right?

Cat: [00:02:35] Probably. Hang out with some fun gay guys and sparkly sweaters. You know, like the ones from Vegas. Those guys. You know

Koji: [00:02:43] The ones that they attacked.

Cat: [00:02:44] Yeah. I forget their name.

Koji: [00:02:45] Yeah.

Cat: [00:02:46] Leroy and Phil. What?

Ben: [00:02:48] Leroy and Phil?

Dwayne: [00:02:48] Leroy and Phil. 

Cat: [00:02:49] Siegfried and Roy.

Ben: [00:02:50] Very low budget version of Siegfried and Roy.

Koji: [00:02:53] That's hilarious.

Ben: [00:02:53] Leroy and Phil.

Dwayne: [00:02:55] Just big. Like actual house cats.

Ben: [00:02:57] Yeah, yeah, just fat house cats. They're they're definitely eating Phil, by the way. Like on the weekly. Yeah.

Dwayne: [00:03:02] My my brother um, his, he has like a golden dog. I don't know what kind of dog, but it's like. And then for one Halloween, he, he put like a lion's mane around the neck.

Ben: [00:03:12] That's a great costume.

Dwayne: [00:03:13] It looked great. And his son, my nephew kind of playing with it and it was really cool. I probably have the picture somewhere, but the other side of me was like, that's a great thing. But also tell them that, you know, lions are not safe because I don't want him to think that he can.

Ben: [00:03:26] I mean, if this how stupid is this kid? Because,

Dwayne: [00:03:28] Well, was like six years old

Ben: [00:03:28] he was he's confusing a cat. Well, he's not even going to remember.

Koji: [00:03:31] Well, this is so this is funny on in terms of animal safety, something that I tell all my students in my writing classes is this black fight back, brown lay down, white say good night. And it's in response to bears. Yeah, bears.

Ben: [00:03:41] I don't even know what that means. White say good night? 

Koji: [00:03:43] Because it's a polar bear. It's going to kill you.

Ben: [00:03:45] Polar bears are the most aggressive bears?

Koji: [00:03:47] Polar bears are the most dangerous animal. 

Cat: [00:03:49] Probably because they're the hungriest.

Koji: [00:03:49] No, it's the apex predator. It kills it like kills humans.

Ben: [00:03:52] Really?

Koji: [00:03:53] Yeah, it actually hunts humans. But, um, one time I was in class and one of the students walked away and came back and thought I was talking about people. And he was like, getting offended because he was like. He was like a Caucasian guy. He was getting offended. I was like, no, no, no, it's bears, not humans. 

Dwayne: [00:04:08] Because it's it's brown lay down

Koji: [00:04:10] Lay down.

Cat: [00:04:11] The whites are the apex, remember? Oh, god.

Ben: [00:04:14] Say good night to the whites. They're the only ones you have to speak to.

Dwayne: [00:04:16] That's that that kind of could work for people. You know what I mean?

Cat: [00:04:20] Oh, no. Oh, gosh.

Ben: [00:04:23] I had an encounter with a bear once, by the way.

Koji: [00:04:25] Oh, yeah? Where?

Ben: [00:04:26] An encounter with a wild bear. I was in Sequoia. I was like 9 or 10 years old, and I was camping with my family. And we're not big campers, and I've always been a night owl. And so my whole family goes to bed and I'm up last by myself by the campfire. Wow. And our tent is like ten, twelve feet behind me, zipped up, my family's sleeping, and I'm at the fires like three feet in front of me and then ten feet behind that is our food locker thing that's locked up. And I hear this rustling and right behind the food locker, a head pops out and it's a bear. And it starts coming all the way out, and it's like a nine foot black bear, and it looks at me and I'm like, please keep moving. And it does not. It starts to walk immediately towards me. And so it's like very quickly, like ten feet, eight feet, six feet. I'm like, oh shit. And they tell you to like stand up and make noise and like try to scare it. But there's no way I'm trying to scare a

Koji: [00:05:22] Black fight back. Yeah. So.

Ben: [00:05:23] Right.

Dwayne: [00:05:24] That means make yourself big, right? Yeah. Literally.

Ben: [00:05:26] There's no way.

Koji: [00:05:26] No. You literally fight.

Cat: [00:05:27] You punch it?

Ben: [00:05:28] No way I'm antagonizing this bear. Maybe he's chill and all of a sudden I yell at him. Doesn't seem right.

Koji: [00:05:33] The reason that they don't want you to lay down with a black bear is that they think you're prey.

Ben: [00:05:36] I wasn't gonna lay down either.

Koji: [00:05:37] No, no, but but but the brown bear. They'll leave you alone.

Dwayne: [00:05:39] It's at night. You can't tell if it's black or brown, I imagine.

Koji: [00:05:43] No, they're very different.

Cat: [00:05:44] I've heard black bears are smaller, so that size sounds like a brown bear.

Ben: [00:05:47] Maybe it was brown, but it starts coming towards me and I just get up and I bolt for the tent behind me. I figured a thin piece of plastic will keep me safe, right? And I start unzipping the thing and I'm shouting, bear, bear, my brother, to save his own life, zips it back closed.

Cat: [00:06:03] Oh no.

Ben: [00:06:04] I'm like, are you kidding me? I just like, ripped it open, dove in, zipped it back, and literally ten seconds, five seconds after I dive in, the whole side of the tent just knocks like the bear straight up came at me, bumped the whole side of the tent, continued on, and then all other campground starts screaming like moments later. It was wild. I got

Cat: [00:06:25] And you were the only survivors.

Ben: [00:06:27] The only survivor. Everybody was killed that night. That's the Unofficial Official Story.

Koji: [00:06:32] That's the Unofficial Official Story.

Cat: [00:06:34] I think I'd be a bear, you guys. Polar bear. Uh, the white one. And that's my answer at the end.

Ben: [00:06:39] Want to eat everybody?

Cat: [00:06:40] I will eat everybody.

Koji: [00:06:41] And I want to be a dog.

Cat: [00:06:42] That's a good one.

Koji: [00:06:44] With a well-taking care family, though, like family, takes care of me. 

Cat: [00:06:46] Actually, whippet. I would want to be a whippet because I've been a runner for a long time, and I'd like to know what it's like to be fast.

Ben: [00:06:51] What's a whippet?

Cat: [00:06:53] Uh, a dog.

Koji: [00:06:53] Type of dog.

Dwayne: [00:06:54] Oh, I thought it was something you kinda. 

Ben: [00:06:56] You take an aerosol when you get high. Also that. Yeah that's what I thought it was as well.

Cat: [00:06:59] Probably they're named after the dogs because they're hyper as shit, so they always seem high.

Koji: [00:07:03] That's a tough dog to be, though, because you need a lot of exercise, and you need to find the right family that would be willing to take you out.

Cat: [00:07:08] My family would be Olympians. A whippet dog for Olympians.

Ben: [00:07:13] All I'm hearing is animal names. Olympian, I'm like, what kind of animal is that? Yeah. An Olympian.

Dwayne: [00:07:24] Welcome, welcome, welcome. This is season four, episode four of the award-winning Unofficial Official Story. So glad we created that award and gave it to ourselves.

Koji: [00:07:33] No, that's a real award.

Dwayne: [00:07:35] I know, I'm just teasing. I'm teasing. I'm Dwayne.

Cat: [00:07:37] I'm Cat.

Koji: [00:07:38] And I am Koji.

Dwayne: [00:07:39] This is where we tell you the official story. We look at the paranormal, conspiracies, unexplained phenomena, cryptids, and true crime. And by the end, we'll tell you what really maybe happened.

Cat: [00:07:51] If you like the podcast, please share it with your friends, family, and even your enemies. You'll be doing a lot to help keep us bring the exciting and fun content every month.

Koji: [00:08:01] In the last episode, we said that we'll be celebrating the anniversary of Roswell. That was incorrect. This month, we're celebrating a much more important holiday, Marine Day, by asking the important question: Are octopuses aliens?

Cat: [00:08:13] But first, let's introduce our guest, comedian and actor Ben Gleib.

Dwayne: [00:08:18] Ben, I've known for a long time since he, I think, since he started and he's really made a way in this world. He's one of the lead anchors on The Young Turks. You may have seen his acclaimed stand up specials The Mad King and Neurotic Gangster. He's the host of the Emmy nominated brainteaser game show Idiotest that you might have seen on Netflix or currently on Game Show Central, and for seven years he was one of the stars of Chelsea Lately with Chelsea Handler. He's done over four hundred episodes of TV and his online views are now over half a billion. Please welcome my man forty grand, Ben Gleib.

Ben: [00:08:52] Thanks, man. What's up everybody?

Koji: [00:08:54] Are you running for president again?

Ben: [00:08:55] No.

Koji: [00:08:55] No.

Dwayne: [00:08:56] I asked the same thing.

Dwayne: [00:08:58] So cool to be able to ask someone that question.

Ben: [00:09:00] I wasn't sure if I was going to still be invited once I said no to that, I thought that was like, contingent on the booking.

Koji: [00:09:05] No, no. Um.

Ben: [00:09:07] Definitely not running again. And, uh, I'm just, you know, there's certain things I do twice and things I don't running. No. This podcast. Yes. Oh, happy to be back.

Koji: [00:09:16] Do you remember which episode you were on?

Ben: [00:09:18] Yeah, it was one of the earlier ones.

Koji: [00:09:19] It was with, uh, about Elon Musk. Whether he was an alien.

Ben: [00:09:21] Yes. Right. Interesting. Oh, interesting.

Koji: [00:09:24] That's one of actually our popular ones.

Cat: [00:09:26] He is right?

Ben: [00:09:26] You always do whether something is an alien? Is that's always the topic?

Koji: [00:09:29] No, no, no, it just happened that you came twice.

Cat: [00:09:32] It's because we think you're an alien. That's why we're like, Ben would know. He would know for sure.

Ben: [00:09:36] Because I'm not certain myself.

Koji: [00:09:38] Yeah. Our last episode was about Bruce Lee. Whether he was killed, uh, with a death touch.

Cat: [00:09:43] It was keto. It was. He did too much.

Koji: [00:09:45] No, no, he was Asian, remember? Or no, he was African American. That was the answer to that one.

Dwayne: [00:09:49] What?

Koji: [00:09:50] So basically. Yeah.

Cat: [00:09:52] You had to be there.

Koji: [00:09:53] He was, uh, he's really a black man. And it was gonna come out that he was not Asian but black. And so he had to fake his death and move to South L.A..

Ben: [00:10:00] Have people ever seen him? Because he's a movie star.

Koji: [00:10:03] Well, he had he had.

Ben: [00:10:04] Not black.

Koji: [00:10:05] He had yellow face on.

Ben: [00:10:06] Oh, that explains it. It does explain it.

Koji: [00:10:08] Yeah. And they did the eye thing, you know.

Ben: [00:10:09] Really? They used like clips?

Ben: [00:10:13] I don't know what the move was or how that's even done.

Cat: [00:10:16] Got a facelift.

Koji: [00:10:17] Well, and also to be fair, we've also realized that Tupac was actually Japanese.

Dwayne: [00:10:21] That's right. 

Koji: [00:10:21] So

Dwayne: [00:10:21] Is that what we voted on?

Koji: [00:10:23] Yeah, that was.

Cat: [00:10:23] I, I actually don't think that's what we voted on. But I'll take it.

Koji: [00:10:25] No, you weren't there. You weren't there. That was before your time.

Cat: [00:10:28] Okay.

Koji: [00:10:30] So Tupac was Japanese. Bruce Lee is black. It all makes sense. I mean, if you just think about it, it just makes sense.

Ben: [00:10:34] Sure, I love it.

Dwayne: [00:10:35] I think it makes sense if you don't think about it. Actually. Yeah.

Cat: [00:10:38] Think less you guys.

Koji: [00:10:40] You know, I watch all your stuff on The Young Turks. Thanks. How is it being on the show? I mean, I'm sure you get a lot of hate mail, though, right?

Ben: [00:10:46] I do it's it's this has been the most hate, hate mail-filled and hate DM-filled time of my life. It's been very intense, but, uh, you know, it makes you stronger.

Cat: [00:10:57] How do you deal with it? Like, if I get one bad comment, I'm, like, ruined for three hours. I'm just like ugh.

Ben: [00:11:03] I don't you just can't let it affect you at the volume i'm getting it. You just can't let it affect you. So I just, I engage with these people far too much and I try to, like, debate them far too much. I should ignore it. Probably for the first time. I'm actually blocking people. I never block people. But someone like really is just like straight up being mean and intentionally hurtful without making any sort of good point. If they're mean and hurtful with a good point, I'm open, I'm open. They're tearing my existence to pieces with horrible accusations and insults, and they got nothing intelligent around it. I'm blocking, but I just I just kind of laugh it off, you know? I just realize these people don't get it. They obviously don't understand the truth like I do. And you move on. You know, people try and get you fired a little bit more annoying, but you weather that storm too.

Dwayne: [00:11:47] Can you tell us about a time you've converted someone or at least converted them around an issue? And what's that worth? Like is converting one person or making one person slightly see something your way, is that worth ten angry DMs? Have you ever thought I've done that kind of.

Ben: [00:12:04] I don't know, it's a good question. You know, I probably should remember the conversions more strongly to keep me going. I know it's happened a bunch of times, but I know there's not like a eureka moment where I was like, or I can remember somebody saying, I am completely flipped on this issue. But all the time people say, like, you've opened my eyes to it. I didn't see it that way. I now understand where you're. Coming from more. And so I think that's worth its weight in gold just because I don't know, just because it it just helps mitigate vitriol and anger and disinformation. And I think that's as as powerful as a complete flip. It's just getting people to like take off the gas a little bit and hit the brake on their anger, I think, or their or like I said, on on their disinformation or misinformation, I think is worth it. Is it worth all the hate? Yeah. I mean, I really take a lot of solace from what they say, that if you're not getting any hate, you're not doing anything worthwhile. Like if you're just really so pleasing everybody, you're maybe just doing boring things. And so I try to take take solace from that, because if not, I would probably be more upset. So I think it makes me feel better about it. But, uh, you know, I would probably rather live in a world where I didn't have people coming at me a million miles a minute. But, you know, you don't get to control the world.

Koji: [00:13:21] Does that ever happen in real life? I mean, do people confront you in real life or is it all mostly online?

Ben: [00:13:25] Never, never. I did get spit on once at a live show, but other than that, it doesn't happen. But I didn't see who did it.

Dwayne: [00:13:31] Was it was it based on your act or based on something you had done online, on TV or? 

Ben: [00:13:36] I was on stage and then all of a sudden, like ten minutes later after my set, I saw spit on my jacket. 

Koji: [00:13:41] Oh, that sucks.

Ben: [00:13:41] So I didn't even see the person do it, unfortunately, because unfortunately. But unfortunately for them. Right, right. But, um, other than that, no, generally people are a lot more, I don't want to say cowardly. There just a lot more timid in person.

Dwayne: [00:13:54] If you didn't see them, you don't know.

Ben: [00:13:56] It was pretty clear. It was like a full-on situation. Right there on the shoulder, like.

Cat: [00:14:01] But that that is a flex that you didn't even notice, like this person spat on you and you were just so in your own zone that you're like, what?

Ben: [00:14:09] Right. Good point. Guy's probably like, that guy's impenetrable.

Cat: [00:14:13] Wanted to rattle him and I couldn't.

Ben: [00:14:15] Just gonna start crying.

Dwayne: [00:14:16] Yeah, some sometimes some people have slighted me and I didn't get what they were saying until later.

Ben: [00:14:21] Yeah, I could see you not getting that.

Dwayne: [00:14:22] Yeah. Right. Right. And I would just be like, like, literally sit at home. I think that guy was trying to. Oh, the moment's passed, you know what I mean?

Koji: [00:14:31] One of the really interesting things about the United States and, and kind of our society is that people tend to hate people that they don't know or like in theory. So like, for example, they'll be like, you know, my neighbor is black. I like them, they're nice people. But I don't like black people in general, you know, or I don't i like my Mexican neighbor or whatever or my Mexican friend, but I don't want them to like invading our country or something, you know, it's like, so it's really weird. I mean, during even during the last election, like, I like my Muslim friend, but, you know, Muslims can't come in here. They're all terrorists. And you're like, what? Like, you know, like even places that aren't even affected by, you know, that kind of immigration or anti-Muslim anti-whatever.

Dwayne: [00:15:08] Right.

Koji: [00:15:08] And so it's just really interesting in America. That's why when I watch shows like What Would You Do? They usually come to the rescue of whatever is happening in front of them. You know, like they always help the person, but then you then you like if you really quizzed them like you do when you quiz, like when they quiz, um, MAGA people and then they like, say the weirdest shit out of their mouth and you're like

Cat: [00:15:25] Yeah, there's a huge disconnect.

Koji: [00:15:26] Yeah, there's a disconnect. Because like, they like like, for example, they like the gay person in their family, but they don't want the gay people to get married.

Cat: [00:15:32] I've had that with, with, um, like, if I'm dating someone, their mother, if the mother is kind of racist, they'll say racist things about Latinos, but then they'll be like, but you're okay, you're different, you're different. And I'll be like, yeah, I'm not that different.

Ben: [00:15:45] Yeah I always thought that when you know somebody, you stop hating the group. This is sad to hear that even if you know somebody in the group, you just consider them the exception and you still hate the group.

Koji: [00:15:53] Yeah.

Ben: [00:15:54] People really want to hate.

Cat: [00:15:55] And then. And then they'll have no recognition that talking about the hate of the group is going to make you uncomfortable.

Koji: [00:16:00] Yeah.

Cat: [00:16:00] They'll still go for it.

Ben: [00:16:01] Right. Also that. Wild.

Cat: [00:16:04] That was a tangent.

Koji: [00:16:05] Yeah. That was sorry. That was a long tangent.

Ben: [00:16:06] No it was a bit of a tangent. But you know, at least all four of us are white. And that's the best part of

Dwayne: [00:16:14] Right, right.

Ben: [00:16:15] And also none of us are white by the way. Yeah.

Koji: [00:16:18] By the way, you're only presuming that I'm not white, right?

Dwayne: [00:16:20] Right, right.

Koji: [00:16:21] I don't identify I identify as a white man.

Ben: [00:16:23] Great. I'm happy for you. And I support you.

Koji: [00:16:25] Actually, all I ever wanted to be was a beautiful white girl. Like, that's all I ever wanted. Like a really hot one.

Ben: [00:16:30] Talk about tangent. That is a share.

Dwayne: [00:16:33] I mean, I think you can.

Koji: [00:16:34] No, no, but I wanted to be a really hot one that could get married and have a baby.

Dwayne: [00:16:38] Well, I don't know if you could.

Koji: [00:16:38] I couldn't do all that stuff. Yeah. So. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ben: [00:16:41] You could, you could get married and adopt a baby. You could definitely be a white girl, get married, an adopt a baby. You go Michael Jackson style on on your outward appearance.

Koji: [00:16:49] Yeah, but I'm not gonna, like, as hot as if I was just a straight like a real.

Ben: [00:16:52] I mean, I believe in you more than you do. 

Cat: [00:16:55] I've seen some great work done.

Ben: [00:16:57] There's some great work out there.

Cat: [00:16:58] There's some great work, yeah.

Koji: [00:16:58] I think my time has passed on this one.

Ben: [00:17:00] Okay, well, I guess I'm sorry to hear you give up on the dream.

Cat: [00:17:03] Yeah. Look, in the name of Pride Month, I have to be supportive of this.

Ben: [00:17:06] That's right.

Cat: [00:17:07] And with that, you guys, uh, let's get the story straight once and for all.

Koji: [00:17:11] Let's do it.

Cat: [00:17:12] We are talking about octopuses.

Ben: [00:17:15] Is it octopuses or octopi?

Koji: [00:17:16] I think it's octopuses.

Ben: [00:17:18] I think so, yeah. I heard an NPR story. They kept saying octopuses. They don't get stuff wrong, but I always thought it was octopi.

Dwayne: [00:17:24] Yeah. I feel like if you say octopi, no one's going to check you because it sounds right.

Koji: [00:17:29] And octopuses sounds a little bit sketchy. It sounds a little dirty.

Dwayne: [00:17:33] Sounds like.

Koji: [00:17:33] Hey, I like your octopus. 

Ben: [00:17:36] Octopi is is if if you ever capture and kill and then bake an octopus, that's when it's octopi. 

Dwayne: [00:17:44] Oh very nice. I thought you were going to say if you go to Marie Callender's and you get, like, a pie, but each slice is a different flavor. And they're eight slices. That's an octopi.

Cat: [00:17:54] That actually sounds amazing. 

Ben: [00:17:56] It sounds amazing. A lot of work for the chef. Why do they have to be a different flavor? Just eight slices alone should make it an octopi.

Dwayne: [00:18:03] I know, I know.

Ben: [00:18:03] Wait, so you're saying like that's like how you market it? This is the eight-flavor pie. 

Dwayne: [00:18:07] Octopi.

Ben: [00:18:07] I like that a lot.

Dwayne: [00:18:08] You just built. You make eight pies and then, you.

Koji: [00:18:11] I understand how to make it.

Dwayne: [00:18:12] Make each one have to. You take a slice.

Ben: [00:18:14] Oh, that's a good. I didn't actually figure out how to make it. Until you figure that out, you'd have to eight. Yeah, that's a lot more plausible. Now. It's now it's just a post-baking distribution.

Koji: [00:18:21] Yeah. You can't cook all eight together.

Ben: [00:18:24] I thought you were doing some kind of wild

Cat: [00:18:25] They do that with with. There's cakes. They have cakes, but they do it with the layers. So horizontally you can have like six different flavors in a cake.

Ben: [00:18:31] Alright. But I don't think horizontally is at all as good. Yeah. Because then each bite has to have all of it. I like your idea. You get to sample, like, full on different situations. Who wants a mish mash of a bunch of different flavors that don't go together?

Cat: [00:18:43] Well, you pick ones that do.

Ben: [00:18:44] Okay. If you're going to keep making good points, I will keep listening and acknowledging them and respecting you for it.

Dwayne: [00:18:50] So, uh. What are some of the reasons people think octopuses are. Yeah, it does sound. I like octopi.

Cat: [00:18:56] Stop emphasizing it. It's a little weird.

Dwayne: [00:18:58] I like octopi.

Cat: [00:18:58] Just say it.

Koji: [00:18:59] I like your octopus.

Ben: [00:19:02] My favorite James Bond movie was the James Bond movie Octopussy.

Dwayne: [00:19:06] What are some of the reasons people think the octopus is an alien? How about that? Uh, first, they're complex nervous system. Octopi have a highly developed nervous system and a large brain relative to the size of their body. They possess about 500 million neurons, uh, a number comparable to dogs, which gives them advanced problem solving and learning abilities. Camouflage abilities thanks to specialized cells called chromatophores.

Cat: [00:19:34] Chromatophores.

Dwayne: [00:19:35] I wrote all this down so I can have it, anyway. Chromatophores, leucophores.

Ben: [00:19:39] I like how you pull out your notebook and then just put it away. Wrote all this down so I could have it. You pulled the notebook out. 

Dwayne: [00:19:44] Well I'm at the worst now

Ben: [00:19:44] And then just left it on the table closed.

Dwayne: [00:19:47] I'm at the worst now, so it doesn't. You know what I mean? Anyway, all those things, uh, they can change the color of their texture of their skin to blend into their surroundings almost instantly.

Ben: [00:19:55] Like Michael Jackson.

Cat: [00:19:57] Yeah, I was listening to that. So they have like, like these cells with like pigments. And then the neuron tells it like which pigment to expand based off of what's around. It is crazy.

Ben: [00:20:05] It's like the original inkblot feature on Instagram Stories. Where you can match whatever color is going on, which also blows my mind.

Cat: [00:20:13] Oh yeah. Definitely. Also, I believe octopus brains are donut-shaped. I saw that on YouTube. Anyways

Ben: [00:20:18] There's a hole in the middle?

Cat: [00:20:20] Um, I don't know. It's just it's donut shaped, I guess. Yeah.

Dwayne: [00:20:25] I mean, regular donuts. Are we talking crullers or. You know what I mean?

Ben: [00:20:28] Crullers would be appropriate.

Cat: [00:20:30] Regular donuts. Regular donuts. Uh, they also have a flexible body structure. Unlike many animals, octopuses have no rigid skeleton, allowing them to squeeze through incredibly tight spaces. Also regeneration. They can regenerate lost limbs, a trait shared with only a few other animal species like lizards, they have three hearts and blue blood. Octopuses have three hearts, two pump to the gills and one pumps to the rest of the body, and their blood is blue due to a copper-based molecule called hemocyanin. The word cyan blue, which is more efficient than hemoglobin in cold and low oxygen environments. And finally, they have unique locomotion. They move by jet propulsion, expelling water through a siphon, and can also crawl using their arms.

Koji: [00:21:20] In 2018, a group of scientists published a paper that argued that octopuses didn't come out of a primordial soup, but actually from outer space. We'll put a link in our show notes.

Dwayne: [00:21:29] The most compelling evidence of this is how advanced octopuses are. Octopuses have 33,000 genes, about 10,000 more than humans.

Cat: [00:21:38] Hm. Some other evidence that octopuses might. 

Ben: [00:21:40] They have 5000 less than Jay Leno.

Cat: [00:21:46] Okay.

Koji: [00:21:47] We're gonna

Cat: [00:21:48] Okay, okay.

Koji: [00:21:49] We're gonna get Jay Leno hate mail.

Ben: [00:21:50] Yeah. I don't know why you had to throw me under the bus. I'm cool with Jay. That's my guy. Yeah, he's the best, nicest guy in the world. It's worth a lot of genes. I don't think he would deny it. I feel like we're in a Canadian tuxedo.

Cat: [00:22:04] Okay. You had to explain that joke to me. I guess I'm too young for it. Some other evidence that octopuses might have come from another planet

Ben: [00:22:11] What a great way to spin not getting a joke. What a great way to passive aggressively 

Koji: [00:22:16] You're old.

Ben: [00:22:16] I guess I'm just too hot and young to understand that joke.

Cat: [00:22:22] Exactly.

Koji: [00:22:22] I'm gonna use that from now on.

Cat: [00:22:25] I'll take it.

Ben: [00:22:26] I think it works a little better on Cat, but you do you Koji.

Dwayne: [00:22:28] No, I'm gonna use it on stage if a joke doesn't work. You know what? You guys are too hot and young. I should have known better.

Ben: [00:22:35] No, that's the kid's way to do it. The other way. It's better to go. I guess I'm too hot and young for you guys to get that joke.

Dwayne: [00:22:41] But I'd rather I'd rather rather the crowd

Ben: [00:22:43] Be on your side. Sure. This explains a lot about my career.

Cat: [00:22:50] Alright, well, some other evidence that octopuses might have come from another planet are their accelerated evolution. They're the smartest of the invertebrates. They have a centralized brain and brains in their arms. They're full of personality. I'd like to learn more about that. And they have a very complicated biology. Remember the 33,000 genes and cosmic powers? Apparently, they've been able to pick the winner of the FIFA games with 85.7% accuracy. 

Koji: [00:23:19] For the for the personality one, um, apparently, like the the keepers of the octopuses at different places, they actually like, they have personalities that they actually like react to things and they like do certain things.

Cat: [00:23:29] So like some are more outgoing.

Koji: [00:23:31] Like a dog, it's like a dog. They said, basically, like they all like, you know, a dog has a personality, like octopuses have a similar kind of personality. That's what they said. Like you could tell, like, this is like, this is Jack versus another one.

Cat: [00:23:43] Are they, like, playing like one of them, like plays a lot of pranks, and the other one's a good listener.

Koji: [00:23:50] One of the things on that NPR, uh, thing that we were listening to would be that, uh, they were saying that like, they felt like when they were watching them, they were being watched back. Like they were looking at them, studying them too. So it wasn't like a one way study. Apparently, allegedly.

Ben: [00:24:05] And there are great escape artists, as you mentioned.

Cat: [00:24:06] Yes, yes, I heard about that. 

Koji: [00:24:08] They escape about everything.

Ben: [00:24:09] They also listen better than I do.

Koji: [00:24:12] Even if octopuses aren't aliens, Dominic Sivitilli

Cat: [00:24:17] Sivitilli.

Koji: [00:24:18] Okay, like how you said it. Um, I just learned American recently, a PhD candidate in astrobiology and psychology at the University of Washington said the octopus is long, separate evolution toward cognitive complexity makes them a very appropriate model for what intelligence might look like if it evolves on a completely different planet. He also said, in my studying the octopuses, I've really learned to appreciate that there are many varieties of intelligence out in the world and possibly the universe. The human mind is just one of many different varieties. It's not about how intelligent they are, it's how they are intelligent. I feel like there's a octopus standing right behind him with a gun, right?

Dwayne: [00:24:55] Either that or he's an octopus.

Koji: [00:24:57] Oh, there you go.

Cat: [00:24:58] I mean, I just want to step back for a second about the them picking the FIFA games. Like, do they tell them, like, is someone reading to them the stats so that they're intelligent? Like being like, okay, this is the one that's going to be a winner. Or are they just like

Dwayne: [00:25:10] Are they watching the games from the year before? You know what I mean?

Cat: [00:25:13] How do they know?

Ben: [00:25:14] That one makes no sense.

Koji: [00:25:15] Yeah, it's probably just random.

Cat: [00:25:16] Are we just assuming they're psychic like, they they they're just tapped into something?

Ben: [00:25:20] How are they expressing their their vote?

Cat: [00:25:22] With their hand. Raise an arm.

Ben: [00:25:25] They have so many of them.

Dwayne: [00:25:28] Well, we'll have to, uh, YouTube that one or something. According to a Reddit thread, we found some of the brainwaves resemble the size and shape of mammalian like, mammal-like brain activity. But other pulses from the nervous neurons of octopuses were completely bizarre. These were long lasting, slow oscillations with large amplitudes, which indicates, uh, relatively strong electrical activity. These have not been reported before.

Koji: [00:25:54] Are you guys thinking the same thing I am? Maybe we should stop eating them.

Dwayne: [00:25:57] I wasn't thinking that, actually.

Koji: [00:25:59] Oh, really?

Cat: [00:26:00] Yeah, I've been thinking about that leading up to this podcast I actually had. Yeah, I've eaten tiny octopus before. And then last week I had, like one arm. It was pretty good. But worth it? No, it tastes just like any other seafood. So why would I want to eat an octopus?

Ben: [00:26:13] You've just eaten a little bit of octopus, but you're considering dabbling more. I get you.

Cat: [00:26:18] Opposite. I'm pulling back. I'm saying I don't want to continue dabbling.

Ben: [00:26:21] So you're into it? Got it.

Koji: [00:26:24] I like to eat octopus, you know.

Ben: [00:26:27] About a nine some. Here's here's what I don't get about so part of me really wants to watch that My Octopus Friend documentary. But everybody says after you watch it, you can't eat octopus anymore. And I've already pulled back. Also on eating octopus just because of how intelligent they are. But I feel like that's always the big reason people like to give for not eating certain animals. They say, oh, they're smart. That seems so classist. Like why? Why would we only not eat an animal because it's smart. It's fine to eat dumb things? Like, do we eat dumb people? Or we're not going to eat a smart person? But if they're dumb, we could throw them in a cage or eat them.

Koji: [00:27:03] I guess we have to eat MAGA people. Is that what I'm

Ben: [00:27:05] Yeah. Why is why is the intelligence level what's deciding.

Dwayne: [00:27:09] Right. Right. Like. Yeah. Like if a plane crashes in the Alps or something like that or

Ben: [00:27:14] Right, I would never kill him, he's smart.

Dwayne: [00:27:16] You have to take a test and see who we're going to eat first. You know what I mean?

Cat: [00:27:19] But the thing is, it's like this is based off of biology. It's biologically smart. Like five-year-old, right? It's it's not based off of a classist system. Right. That's what's different.

Ben: [00:27:29] Why does intelligence matter if it's a living being? If it's a living aware being why does it matter if it's smart or if it's dumb?

Cat: [00:27:36] Because it might be like more aware than the other ones. Like it's able to put together a coherent narrative about like, this is my family.

Dwayne: [00:27:42] With that logic, you shouldn't eat anything that can feel pain.

Ben: [00:27:44] No, she makes a good point. Cat makes a good point, that maybe it's beyond just its own awareness of its own self. Once it has like family connections, once it can miss things, then it's just extra sad because you're like also leaving sad family members behind that aren't eating.

Koji: [00:28:03] Well then you should just eat all of them.

Ben: [00:28:04] No that's another way to look at it. Yeah. Because all of a sudden I was picturing every octopus. Now that's being eaten.

Dwayne: [00:28:09] Right.

Ben: [00:28:10] Like Bruce Willis at the end of Armageddon. Going down that tube being like, I'll see you son or I won't see you.

Dwayne: [00:28:16] And the other thing is, maybe because they know getting eaten is on the table, maybe that's that's caused them to love each other stronger and be more appreciative if they get.

Ben: [00:28:27] Getting eaten is really good for their family relationships.

Dwayne: [00:28:29] Because they don't they don't take any moments for granted.

Ben: [00:28:32] All right. I'll I'll say this. Armageddon some octopus on the way home tonight and eating the shit out of it.

Koji: [00:28:40] Yeah. You can't appreciate life unless there's death. So you're saying we're doing a favor?

Dwayne: [00:28:44] Maybe not a favor, but. But they've been together in a sense. You know what I mean? I mean.

Cat: [00:28:49] I think it's good that we eat them so that they don't take over. I think that's the only thing that's keeping them from taking over the world.

Ben: [00:28:54] The fact that we're slowly, slowly culling the herd over.

Dwayne: [00:28:56] And they and they can't survive. Can they survive out of water?

Koji: [00:28:59] Yeah.

Ben: [00:29:00] Oh, my god, I just got freaked the fuck out. We're talking about eating animals and an animal just very quickly, large animal started coming at me. That was not in this room before, and I thought it was going to be octopus. Literally, for a second I had a mini heart attack. It was your dog, but I didn't know you had a doggy door there. I didn't know this was possible. I just all of a sudden saw an entity in my peripheral vision come at me with half the legs of an octopus.

Dwayne: [00:29:24] The timing was

Ben: [00:29:25] Oo, I mean, that was wild. It was like, don't be eating any of us.

Cat: [00:29:30] Mm.

Ben: [00:29:31] That was intense, dude. Literally. I might go vegan after that moment. That was wild. Yeah, I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes.

Cat: [00:29:39] We all listened to an NPR article about what an octopus' mind tells us about aliens, and we'll put a link in our show notes. What did you guys think?

Ben: [00:29:47] The thing that was most fascinating, the article to me was that you mentioned it briefly, but they have like hundreds of brains. Like every one of their suckers has its own individual brain, and they only send messages to the main central brain when necessary. So they analogized it to like a computer processor that processes all the information. Then the central brain only gets the search results. It's kind of like that. That's wild. Also kind of like Reddit upvoting they said like it only upvotes the things that are important when it finds when one of the brains, one of the suckers finds something of interest, it then tells the nearby suckers, then it upvotes it and it kind of creates an alert to all the other brains. Start coming this way, and then it eventually deems it worthy to go to the main brain. That is very different than human development in a creepy way. Impressive.

Cat: [00:30:33] I thought that's how men's wieners work. Is that not? I'm kidding.

Ben: [00:30:39] That's a strong fact. I don't know that the word wiener is the one to choose. But no, there's no less attractive word. Yeah, for what we got going on down there.

Cat: [00:30:48] I just felt like there might be kids listening, so I decided to go with the kid version.

Ben: [00:30:51] There's kids listening?

Koji: [00:30:53] No, there's no.

Ben: [00:30:54] Pee pee maybe is worse. They're both not great. All three of those are not good.

Cat: [00:30:57] No. But don't human men have 

Ben: [00:30:58] We already talked about pussy 17 times. So if kids are listening, I don't think this is the time to draw the line.

Cat: [00:31:03] Okay, well, I heard male genitalia are controlled by some, like, other nerves that are below, like

Ben: [00:31:10] I mean, we definitely can't always control what's happening down there.

Dwayne: [00:31:12] At the gut. 

Cat: [00:31:14] It's not as smart as an octopus arm, clearly.

Koji: [00:31:16] No. No, mine is.

Cat: [00:31:19] That's because you're Asian.

Koji: [00:31:20] Oh, there you go.

Ben: [00:31:21] And it can't. It's not as smart, but it can squeeze into all kinds of holes, I'll tell you that. It can squeeze anywhere. It could fit in. But yeah, I mean, multiple brains is wild.

Koji: [00:31:32] If it was just bigger, it would take over the world.

Cat: [00:31:34] Well, I mean, the ones in the Pacific Northwest are pretty huge. Um,

Koji: [00:31:37] How big are they?

Cat: [00:31:38] Giant they're like, they can be up to six hundred pounds. Oh, yeah. They look like. And I was looking at some National Geographic footage of them. They look like giant rocks. Like if they just stay put because they have all these, like, ridges and shit on them, and they just look like rocks. And then all of a sudden it, like, starts moving and you see its arms flailing.

Ben: [00:31:54] Great impression you did with your arms.

Cat: [00:31:55] Thank you. I know, I wish we had video. But I'm like flailing my arms about.

Dwayne: [00:31:59] Got quite a double take. I thought you had, like, four arms. Yeah, yeah.

Cat: [00:32:02] I talk with my hands. Um, it's cultural.

Ben: [00:32:05] Probably because you're white.

Cat: [00:32:06] What? No.

Koji: [00:32:09] We could both be white women.

Cat: [00:32:10] Okay.

Koji: [00:32:11] Yeah. Okay.

Cat: [00:32:12] No, but it's crazy. And then there's videos of the octopuses actually wrestling sharks, so they'll get, like, smaller sharks. I want to see that. And they just grab them. And so, you know how sharks have to keep moving in order to breathe. If they stop swimming, they can't breathe and they suffocate. Well, to kill a shark, all they have to do is make it stop moving, and then it dies. And then they eat it with their beak.

Koji: [00:32:32] Sharks have been getting killed a lot. I mean, a lot of orcas have been killing sharks like great whites.

Ben: [00:32:36] Orcas have been killing boats, too. Attacking boats.

Koji: [00:32:39] Oh, actually, they just came out with why. Did you hear why?

Ben: [00:32:41] No, they just came out with why?

Koji: [00:32:42] Um, they said that they're bored.

Ben: [00:32:43] They're bored?

Koji: [00:32:44] Uh, orcas are highly intelligent. That's why we don't eat them. But yeah, they they're basically they're just saying they're bored, and they just started messing with boats.

Dwayne: [00:32:51] We just got to drop some waterproof tablets in the ocean.

Ben: [00:32:54] Waterproof tablets?

Cat: [00:32:55] Oh, like an iPad?

Dwayne: [00:32:56] Yeah, yeah.

Cat: [00:32:58] I was thinking, like, toilet bowl.

Dwayne: [00:33:01] No, like, uh. Yeah, electronic.

Ben: [00:33:03] You just don't want to use a brand name there.

Dwayne: [00:33:04] Right, right.

Koji: [00:33:05] Until they pay us.

Ben: [00:33:06] Fair enough.

Cat: [00:33:07] Aw, man, I completely missed that. I just said it. I was just like, yeah, iPads. Okay, it's time to put on our thinking caps. Are octopuses actually aliens? When we return, we'll settle this once and for all and figure out what really maybe happened. Now that we've reviewed the evidence, let's give our theories.

Koji: [00:33:27] Who wants to go first?

Dwayne: [00:33:28] I don't want to step on anyone's toes. And my theory isn't, like, somewhat farfetched. But here's what I think. Because some some of the theories are like they were a meteorite hit and it had like, you know, some mic, some, um, octopus matter. And then they just sort of evolved from there. I think that they are aliens, but they were sent here. And you know how like in regular jobs, you know, people don't do a great job. Sometimes people just don't do their jobs well. So whoever was at the home planet, they were scoping out some places to, you know, maybe live, maybe take over. And, uh, he came across Earth and he's like, oh, yeah, this works. And he was like, who's the you know, what's going to be the dominant thing? What's going to be, you know. And he saw that it was covered mainly with water. So he was like, yes, yes. He didn't like do all his homework. So when they came they could survive. They live in the water. But um, they lost contact to the home planet. Right. So now they just kind of waiting around, but they're biding their time. And if their home planet ever comes back, then at that point they can take over. And anyone who's ever eaten calamari, you have a little bit of octopus sort of DNA inside you and your microbiome, like in microbiomes in your, um, gut. So at that point, if you're ever eating, eaten any octopus, not calamari, but any kind of octopus, when they come back, they'll take over your body. You may not become an octopus, but you will be able to become invisible because of some of the traits they have.

Cat: [00:34:55] I wish I had chromatophores.

Dwayne: [00:34:57] Yeah, so. Well, if you've ever. You do because you ate some octopus in your life.

Cat: [00:35:02] That's true.

Dwayne: [00:35:02] So yeah, that's my theory is that they are aliens. Just sort of bad Intel. They didn't they came to the wrong planet. They lost contact with their home planet, but now they're just biding their time. And if the home planet ever contacts us and makes contact with them, they will take over. And they'll take over our bodies as well.

Ben: [00:35:19] That'd be great. Quick side note, uh, it's not pronounced calamari or whoever you said it's calamari.

Dwayne: [00:35:24] Oh. Is it?

Ben: [00:35:25] Yeah. That sounds so stupid the way you said it.

Dwayne: [00:35:33] That's great. It probably is an Italian who knows, right.

Ben: [00:35:35] Calamari it's calamari.

Koji: [00:35:37] Let me share a story real quick. First, when I was a kid, I went to Japan and I went to, like, really expensive sushi restaurant with my mom, and there was an octopus. And it started moving in the bowl and I started screaming because I was like, oh my god, it's moving. And I so I recognized the truth then I just didn't know it until now. Grey aliens are Asians. 

Ben: [00:35:55] Who says that?

Koji: [00:35:55] People online, they think that the great alien, you know, the Greys with the large eyes, they think they're hairless, like Asian people. They think they're small. They think robotic like Asians. They think they're smart at math and stuff like that. So a lot of people think that Asians are the Greys. Well, they are I mean, we've already figured that out on this show multiple times.

Ben: [00:36:11] I would like to know how it is, even that Asian people have both the stereotype of large eyes and small eyes.

Dwayne: [00:36:20] It's more the shape of the eyes.

Koji: [00:36:21] Yeah, yeah. It's more of the shape. Like they're like almond-shaped. I don't know, this is just some people online. 

Ben: [00:36:26] I'll never look at almonds the same.

Koji: [00:36:28] Okay. So, if they 

Ben: [00:36:31] A bowl of Asian eyes? I think I'm good. That's amazing friends I'm gonna pass on that.

Koji: [00:36:36] Yeah, well, and we're smart too, so you shouldn't eat us. I mean, just kidding.

Dwayne: [00:36:39] Some Asian eye milk? 

Ben: [00:36:41] Asian tears is almond milk. Right?

Cat: [00:36:47] Oh, no.

Ben: [00:36:48] Oh no.

Koji: [00:36:51] Okay, so grey aliens are Asians. And I recognize at that Japanese restaurant that octopuses are, you know, like they're aliens. And it's just a small leap to go from that. Octopuses are actually Asian.

Dwayne: [00:37:05] So, they're they're another.

Ben: [00:37:08] I miss that logic.

Cat: [00:37:10] Yeah.

Dwayne: [00:37:11] Another part. Like are they related to the Greys or they're another set a set

Koji: [00:37:16] We came from the octopuses.

Dwayne: [00:37:18] The Greys okay.

Koji: [00:37:19] The Greys did and the Asians.

Cat: [00:37:21] Because Greys are Asians. Therefore, if the Greys came from octopuses, so did the Asians is the tran. So, the evolution is octopus, Grey, Asian?

Dwayne: [00:37:30] Is that why Asians are good at breakdancing?

Ben: [00:37:34] Is that what Grey's Anatomy is about?

Koji: [00:37:38] That's why we're good at camouflage. I mean, ninjas.

Dwayne: [00:37:40] I see. I see.

Koji: [00:37:41] We're done. No more theories. This is the theory right here.

Dwayne: [00:37:45] But are they aliens or they are aliens and they're Asian. That's what you're saying?

Koji: [00:37:49] Yes.

Dwayne: [00:37:50] Okay. 

Koji: [00:37:50] We're all. It's like just a line.

Dwayne: [00:37:51] I got you.

Koji: [00:37:52] I'm not. I mean, I'm not a hundred percent sure. It's like what Cat was saying, that octopus, alien Greys, Asians. It could just be like some version, like, you know how Neanderthals and Homo sapiens are, kinda? Like, we're all kind of in the same family.

Ben: [00:38:05] Ten years ago, I would have definitely chimed in on this part of the podcast. I was gonna kind of let it go by, you know.

Koji: [00:38:15] Alright, Cat.

Dwayne: [00:38:15] What's changed in ten years?

Koji: [00:38:17] Cat, what is your theory?

Cat: [00:38:18] Alright, my theory. I'm gonna, I'm gonna be the boring one. I'm gonna say that we just evolved in such separate. Places on the planet, right? They evolved like so deep and and like, look, if humans evolved to be as smart as we are, then, like, just by pure chance, there's going to be other things that are as smart as we are too. Like, why would we be special? Right? So octopuses are the under the water version of that. And then there's also orcas and dolphins. We're also super smart. So like of course there's going to be something else that's super smart. But, I do think there had to be some kind of like supernatural thing that happened. Like there has to. So it's like there was an alien spaceship and it like beamed down on their DNA to change it, because that's how people.

Koji: [00:39:03] Wait how did you start this? How did you start this talk? You said, I'm going to be boring and I'm going to

Dwayne: [00:39:09] So somehow they were touched by an alien.

Cat: [00:39:10] They were touched by an alien. Yeah. Like some the spaceship came and, like, beamed down radioactive stuff that, like, hit the DNA of, like, some dumb fish worm.

Dwayne: [00:39:19] Maybe the aliens were going to eat them, and then they were like, no

Cat: [00:39:23] No, no, no. It's not that involved. This is a little bit more of a detached alien theory. It's like aliens passing by in the spaceship. Zap the water.

Dwayne: [00:39:31] Not on purpose or on purpose?

Cat: [00:39:33] Maybe on purpose. Maybe they're fishing. Maybe they want food. There's zap. They're doing a stop like they always do. They go zzz in the water and it affects the DNA of a dumb worm fish and makes it super smart and that becomes octopuses.

Dwayne: [00:39:45] Maybe. Maybe they made us too.

Cat: [00:39:47] Like, every time they pass by, they, like, zap some random thing.

Koji: [00:39:50] Maybe that's how they created Asians.

Cat: [00:39:53] You guys got zapped twice.

Koji: [00:39:55] Yes.

Cat: [00:39:55] That's why you're special.

Koji: [00:39:59] Alright, Ben, what's your theory here?

Ben: [00:40:01] I'll tell you the real truth. But also, as a side note, if you're curious, I had an encounter with an orca once as well. What?

Koji: [00:40:06] Wait what?

Ben: [00:40:08] It was a

Cat: [00:40:08] Are you just one of those people who lies?

Dwayne: [00:40:11] Wait. You were at your tent and you look up?

Ben: [00:40:15] No, this was less direct, but it was deeply spooky. I was at SeaWorld with my family, and we saw the orca show the last show of the day. And then the park closes and we all walk to the exit of the park and at the exit, so nobody's really left in the park. I realized I left my sweatshirt in the seats, so I'm just like, I left my sweatshirt, I'm gonna go get it. And I sprint back through the park and I'm through this closed Sea Life park. And I go back into the orca area, and I get my sweatshirt and I start walking across the bridge. So now the orcas are not in the show area. They're in the back area where the pool is, and there's just one that's all the way in the far end. And he sees me crossing the bridge and literally swims across the pool under where I am on the bridge, looks up and literally goes. Like it was asking me to like, free him or something.

Cat: [00:41:07] Oh no. 

Ben: [00:41:07] It was the creepiest. It was so creepy and intense and like heartfelt and emotional and also very scary. Like, even though I was like a good forty feet above this tank, I felt like it was about to like jump up and like break the glass tank. Like it was just so intense. And I sprinted off that bridge after that moment happened and went back to my parents.

Koji: [00:41:26] I think you're in the wrong business. Everything. You have so many animal stories. You have like a lion story.

Cat: [00:41:30] You should have an animal show.

Ben: [00:41:31] You can't understand why my dog is suddenly barking a lot at night. Every night. I can't figure it out.

Dwayne: [00:41:35] I was like. What I like about that story is like, maybe he was saying, help me, but maybe he was just saying, nice shoes. Yeah. You know, maybe.

Ben: [00:41:43] What's up man? True. It's it's true.

Koji: [00:41:45] You're gonna be on Young Turks later.

Ben: [00:41:49] Big fan of the Young Turks, man. You fucking ass. He's one of my haters. Block. Um, but here's the real truth about octopus is they are aliens. I think we've established that that's true. But what happened was they live on an eight pronged planet that kind of looks like your headphone splitter. They live on an eight pronged planet that just has tentacles coming out of it. And every, every time an octopus is born on that planet, it spawns off little mini octopi that just replicate the size and shape of the planet. But they themselves become the flying saucer, so to speak.

Dwayne: [00:42:24] So they're like a flying saucer, or they're like a mini planet.

Ben: [00:42:28] They're like, well, like a mini planet, but they can travel and direct very well. So they're more like a direct, more like an asteroid, I suppose. And they can obviously fly and float with the kind of the eight arms, you know, if you had any less, it wouldn't suffice. And, um, the reason they came to Earth, though, you were wrong about what you thought Dwayne the reason they came to Earth was a lot of people don't know this, but Red Lobster initially. I don't know why you would laugh at that. Red Lobster was originally going to be called the Purple Octopus, and it was going to be serving exclusively octopi. And you'd get a discount if you came with a party of eight. Otherwise you had to just bring doggy bags or octopus bags, as it were. And so they heard about this, and they knew that, that they'd already pre-colonized Earth and they were like roaming free a lot. And that was one of their favorite places. Like, like you guys mentioned that they like the water. They wanted to come swim, but and it was a good environment for them. But they needed to stop the the Purple Octopus from launching. And so they came and surrounded like in a kind of a goo-gel manner, the Red Lobster headquarters that was at the time called the Purple Octopus. And they didn't let anybody in there breathe, kind of like holding a shark until it doesn't move anymore. And they communicated in various different ways, like an orca on a bridge or whatever way they communicate in different ways. And they convinced them like, fuck the lobsters, like lobsters is who you should go for. They're delicious. It's kind of like a, like a challenge to get in there.

Dwayne: [00:43:51] So they kind of put this idea in there.

Ben: [00:43:52] That's right. They sold they threw lobsters under the bus. I see. And to this day forward, lobsters, you know, get eaten at a rapid rate and you eat a lot less octopus. We still eat octopus. But there's no chain restaurant at least. 

Dwayne: [00:44:06] Now Red Lobster is going out of business. So they

Ben: [00:44:09] Are they?

Cat: [00:44:09] Mhm. Yeah. They're closing down like a thousand.

Ben: [00:44:12] Really? Why?

Cat: [00:44:13] Who goes there? When was the last time you went to one?

Ben: [00:44:15] It's a very good point. I dated a girl for a minute who loves Red Lobster. Yeah, yeah. Wait, did I date her? No, I didn't date her.

Dwayne: [00:44:23] I feel like it's like, um.

Cat: [00:44:24] You're like I just heard about her on NPR.

Dwayne: [00:44:26] It's like some form of white flight. You know?

Ben: [00:44:28] No, I think I thought about dating her and then how much she liked Red Lobster really threw me off.

Dwayne: [00:44:32] Right? Right, right.

Cat: [00:44:34] Like this is a red flag.

Ben: [00:44:35] But I kind of wanted to, like, hang out with her long enough to go to Red lobster because I hadn't been there in a long time and I didn't do it. I would like to go to one before they do shut down operations.

Dwayne: [00:44:43] Well, it's kind of odd if like, I mean, we're still going to Olive Garden. I mean, it seems like

Ben: [00:44:47] It's cruel to the olives.

Dwayne: [00:44:48] They're the same kind of place. You know? 

Ben: [00:44:50] It's very cruel to the olives. And the bread is very mean to the bread.

Cat: [00:44:52] One time there was a fellow who wanted to be my manager, but I was like, something's off about this guy. And he was like. 

Ben: [00:44:57] A fellow? 

Cat: [00:44:57] Yeah, a guy. And, uh, someone with a wiener. You guys, he wanted to be my manager.

Ben: [00:45:02] Incredible.

Cat: [00:45:03] And he's like, let's get lunch and talk. And I was like, something's off about this guy. And you know where he took me? Red Lobster.

Ben: [00:45:09] Really?

Cat: [00:45:09] And that was the final straw. I was like, there is something wrong with this person.

Koji: [00:45:13] Was he an octopus?

Cat: [00:45:13] Yeah.

Ben: [00:45:14] Can we even mention also the fact that this is not talked about a lot and a lot of, you know, lobsters are delicacy. People love it. It's tasteless.

Cat: [00:45:21] It really is.

Ben: [00:45:21] You don't dip it in, you don't dip it in butter or at least spray lemon on it. It feels like you're. And also biting and chewy styrofoam.

Dwayne: [00:45:28] It used to be what poor people ate

Cat: [00:45:30] Really? 

Koji: [00:45:31] Because it's trash.

Dwayne: [00:45:32] Switched around somehow because.

Koji: [00:45:33] It's on the bottom of the ocean. Eats all the trash.

Ben: [00:45:35] That's right it's like a sea anemone I'm seeing enemies.

Koji: [00:45:38] Say it again.

Ben: [00:45:39] It's like a sea anemone I'm seeing enemies. Nice.

Cat: [00:45:41] Nice. I don't know if you knew this, but Ben is a prolific rapper.

Ben: [00:45:43] That's right. Yeah.

Dwayne: [00:45:44] So your theory to recap Ben is they are

Ben: [00:45:48] Good luck with this. Yep.

Dwayne: [00:45:49] They came here to chillax.

Ben: [00:45:52] Yep. Initially yes. In a kind of kind of Superman style.

Dwayne: [00:45:56] Then at some point, either we rose to prominence or they knew we would and they knew we were going to open Red Lobsters.

Ben: [00:46:03] They found out.

Dwayne: [00:46:03] They found out. And they convinced the Red Lobster people to switch and not be called the

Ben: [00:46:08] Yeah, through a hostile takeover.

Dwayne: [00:46:10] Purple Octopus.

Ben: [00:46:12] Correct.

Dwayne: [00:46:12] And they did that by some brain waves or hostile takeover or did they just?

Ben: [00:46:17] Kind of like a hostile takeover of the building, but then brainwave communication kind of or or bridge-style.

Dwayne: [00:46:22] I see, I see, I see. You think we would have heard about that? But then again, maybe, maybe, maybe they also told the Red Lobster people, you know, keep this under wraps.

Cat: [00:46:30] Yeah, well, they erased their memories, like in Men in Black.

Dwayne: [00:46:33] Maybe yeah, yeah, yeah.

Koji: [00:46:33] And it's probably the same thing for Boiling Crab. It's probably boiling

Ben: [00:46:37] Crab's, tasty.

Ben: [00:46:39] Crab's pretty tasty, but it's still how you season it

Ben: [00:46:41] Also true. And as a total tangent, just because it's above your head, there's a poster that says Dermot Mulroney on it, and it really bothers me that his name is pronounced Mulrooney when it's spelled Mulroney.

Dwayne: [00:46:52] Yeah. He needs another O right.

Ben: [00:46:54] Otherwise, go fuck yourself. Mulrooney. Dermot Mulroney. 

Dwayne: [00:46:58] This is this is Koji's movie Ruthless by the way.

Ben: [00:47:01] Is it?

Dwayne: [00:47:01] Yeah. Good movie I saw. It's on. Uh. What? Hulu? 

Cat: [00:47:04] Hulu.

Dwayne: [00:47:04] Yeah, but he looks like Wolverine in this picture.

Ben: [00:47:07] He does.

Cat: [00:47:07] Yeah, I see it.

Dwayne: [00:47:08] Yeah.

Ben: [00:47:09] Um, Wolveroone two Os.

Koji: [00:47:11] Wolveroone.

Cat: [00:47:13] At this point, it's time for us to pick the Unofficial Official Story, one that will answer this question once and for all. So which theory do we want to go with today?

Dwayne: [00:47:23] See, the thing is, I like them all. But in mine we have sort of like almost like Invasion of the Body Snatchers. And a lot of us have sort of this latent octopus DNA inside of

Ben: [00:47:33] Which does give us superpowers if if they ever do click that back on.

Cat: [00:47:37] Like sleeper agents.

Dwayne: [00:47:38] Right, right.

Koji: [00:47:39] But we all. 

Ben: [00:47:40] Sleepless agents.

Koji: [00:47:40] We all know that they're Asians, so.

Dwayne: [00:47:42] Right.

Koji: [00:47:43] I mean, I mean, have you ever wondered why we eat sushi? I mean, we eat seafood.

Cat: [00:47:47] It's the same food that the octopuses eat.

Koji: [00:47:49] Exactly. And, you know, why do we do so well on the SAT?

Dwayne: [00:47:53] Right.

Koji: [00:47:54] We have 20 brains.

Ben: [00:47:55] I feel like you keep trying to bait me into making. You the only one that continually keeps bringing up Asian stereotypes this whole podcast.

Dwayne: [00:48:04] Because what would happen is whatever you said in response, they'd cut what Koji said first out.

Ben: [00:48:10] Exactly.

Dwayne: [00:48:11] And it would just you would just sound crazy. Whatever the thing is.

Ben: [00:48:13] I'd like to be on SNL one day, then get fired and then become one of the biggest comics in the world. Am I falling for this?

Dwayne: [00:48:19] But also, maybe that's why Asians spend their pens on their fingers. You know, it's like.

Cat: [00:48:24] Is that a thing?

Ben: [00:48:25] That I will go on the limb and say, Asians do spin their pens on their fingers.

Dwayne: [00:48:28] Between the fingers and around and

Cat: [00:48:30] Very good at it.

Dwayne: [00:48:31] Yeah, yeah.

Cat: [00:48:31] I'm a level one pen spinner because I had Asian classmates, but I never really you know.

Koji: [00:48:35] Asian classmates.

Dwayne: [00:48:36] I'm level one.

Koji: [00:48:37] I mean, I could do the Asian squat.

Cat: [00:48:39] I don't know what that is.

Koji: [00:48:40] Asian squat?

Cat: [00:48:41] No.

Koji: [00:48:42] That's when they sit down. Like, you know, like squatting with their feet on the ground. Okay.

Cat: [00:48:46] I didn't know that belonged to you guys.

Ben: [00:48:48] Squatting is Asian now?

Dwayne: [00:48:49] I think it's the indigenous squat. Right? Or just

Koji: [00:48:52] But it's it's called the Asian squat.

Ben: [00:48:53] Instead of sitting on a chair?

Koji: [00:48:54] Yeah, like they just sit on. We could just sit with, you know, squatting. And just do things. 

Ben: [00:49:00] Comfortably?

Koji: [00:49:00] Yeah.

Dwayne: [00:49:01] Without even touching.

Ben: [00:49:02] Forever?

Cat: [00:49:02] So you have like, bendier knees? Is that what you're saying?

Dwayne: [00:49:05] We all used to be able to do that. Maybe you are octopuses. Until we started sitting in chairs.

Ben: [00:49:08] That's wild. I'd like to see what this looks like. Here we go. You're comfortable like this? No way.

Koji: [00:49:17] Actually, that's how my son became a catcher. Was he was at a baseball practice. He was at a baseball practice. And the coach was like, are you comfortable? And my son was like, yeah, he said, you should be a catcher. And then that day, my son's like, I'm gonna be a catcher. And I was like

Dwayne: [00:49:28] Shouldn't there be a lot more catchers who are Asian in the major leagues?

Ben: [00:49:33] True and I feel like that coach just had a weird theory, because that's not the only thing you need to be a good actor is to be comfortable in that position. You also have to be comfortable with having hard rocks thrown at you at ninety miles an hour.

Dwayne: [00:49:44] That's true, that's true.

Ben: [00:49:45] Which is a very I caught once for like a third of a season in Little League.

Dwayne: [00:49:49] Yeah.

Ben: [00:49:49] Horrible.

Dwayne: [00:49:50] And you got to be okay with that bat whizzing by you.

Ben: [00:49:52] Bat whizzing by you, people swinging, foul balls hitting you. Somehow the ball always found a way like between my knee pad and my shin and my thigh pad. And I got even hit somehow in the one inch of exposed skin.

Cat: [00:50:03] Also, someone could fart on you while they're batting.

Ben: [00:50:06] Okay, well, that's taking it too far.

Cat: [00:50:07] That's the worst part.

Dwayne: [00:50:07] That's true. I mean you are outside, but yeah, I guess.

Ben: [00:50:10] You're outside. You're crouched down. It's a terrible it's a terrible job. The only thing that's cool about it is you are responsible for half of the great pop that when it hits that glove. Right? Right. And that catcher's mitt makes a pop different than any other mitt.

Dwayne: [00:50:21] And you can you can like, make pitches, strikes that aren't you can frame it and you can tell a pitcher what the pitch. So it's kind of cool.

Ben: [00:50:27] Yeah. Yeah, it's always funny to me that the catcher chooses what the pitcher pitches like. The pitcher can't decide this on his own. He needs a guy. He can wave it off. He has veto rights, but he doesn't get to decide what he's pitching. It's really strange. He has to just keep being like, um.

Koji: [00:50:40] Because the catchers are smarter than the pitchers. That's what the general.

Ben: [00:50:43] 'Cause a lot of them are Asian.

Cat: [00:50:45] By the way, if you're wondering why so many tangents this episode we're recording at 10 p.m. at this point.

Dwayne: [00:50:53] But maybe the catch is also like, definitely gonna be a fastball. Then he's like, curve. I told him, fastball. Make sure it's a curve, you know, that kind of thing. So okay.

Koji: [00:51:01] So which one do you guys vote for?

Dwayne: [00:51:02] I think we're stalling too I think we can't pick.

Cat: [00:51:04] I think mine is great. I think mine is very grounded in aliens just zapping the DNA but not fully being involved.

Ben: [00:51:11] We're all going to vote for our own.

Dwayne: [00:51:13] I'm gonna say this. I'll. I really like mine. And I encourage you to vote for mine. I like Ben's too, because it was just so far out. But I'm actually going to go with Cat's.

Cat: [00:51:22] Thank you.

Dwayne: [00:51:22] Because it's sort of like, yeah, aliens impacted the situation, but they're not actual aliens. But they were touched by an alien.

Cat: [00:51:31] It's a sprinkle.

Dwayne: [00:51:32] I think that's a nice sort of like

Ben: [00:51:33] Sprinkle of alien.

Cat: [00:51:34] Yeah.

Dwayne: [00:51:34] It's a nice middle ground, and I think it's it's a little bit quite possible.

Cat: [00:51:38] Like how Elizabeth Warren is Native American. It's just a sprinkle. It's a tiny bit. It's the same way that I'm black.

Ben: [00:51:45] And she dresses purple all the time. Loves to wear that purple jumpsuit. The purple business suit.

Koji: [00:51:52] I'm voting for Red Lobster because I just like the idea that it used to be called Purple Octopus.

Dwayne: [00:51:58] It's actually not bad. And so. And, Ben, you're voting for.

Ben: [00:52:01] I was gonna vote for Cat's to give her, but now that I got a vote, I'm voting for my own.

Cat: [00:52:05] Okay, so now we have a tie.

Ben: [00:52:06] Tie. Two. Two. Yes, yes. Tie break goes to your guest, obviously.

Dwayne: [00:52:11] Yeah, I guess so.

Koji: [00:52:12] Yeah, we could go with that. So. Yeah. So. Yeah. Sorry, Cat. You lost.

Ben: [00:52:17] Your idea was ridiculous. Yeah.

Koji: [00:52:20] There's absolutely zero merit in your story.

Ben: [00:52:23] What planet are you from to even come up with this? Zapping the water. Okay.

Cat: [00:52:29] What? Uh, weird.

Ben: [00:52:30] Okay. Obviously, they just commandeered aggressively and made a hostile takeover of the Red Lobster headquarters. Try to stay grounded, if you can.

Cat: [00:52:38] Yeah, right. I'll try harder next time.

Dwayne: [00:52:39] Space Odyssey 2001. The original scene with the where the chimps touch the thing

Koji: [00:52:39] Was actually octopus.

Dwayne: [00:52:45] It was octopus. And they were like. And then people were like, this makes no sense.

Ben: [00:52:50] Anybody want to go to the market with me straight from here and get octopus and just eat up?

Cat: [00:52:55] I think they're gonna be closed.

Ben: [00:52:56] There's probably still an Asian market that is open twenty four hours and has octopus fresh right now.

Koji: [00:52:59] Oh, I'm sure we Asians like to eat anything.

Dwayne: [00:53:01] Just drive around Alhambra.

Ben: [00:53:03] Yeah, Alhambra is definitely got some Hoctopus. Yeah. Hot octopus is Hoctopus. Let's go cruising for Hoctopus. You know what I mean? It's not the way I meant it.

Cat: [00:53:16] Well,

Ben: [00:53:17] Sorry.

Cat: [00:53:17] And that is the official story. We'll take another break, and we'll answer for our sins.

Dwayne: [00:53:25] Assuming the octopuses are aliens, and assuming they decided to get revenge against humans for eating them, which one of us would be spared? And which one of us would be punished by the octopus overlords?

Cat: [00:53:37] Okay, so are you basically saying we're all going to get eaten except for one

Dwayne: [00:53:37] Right. You mean one in this room right now?

Koji: [00:53:42] Yeah, in this room.

Dwayne: [00:53:44] Well, I mean, Ben just just suggested we go get some more octopus.

Ben: [00:53:49] Everybody knows I was saying that to save them. And when we headed out, I was going to free them all.

Dwayne: [00:53:53] Right. Right, right.

Ben: [00:53:57] You'll find wherever the market is, find out where the Asian octopus market is. And that's why. Otherwise, I wouldn't know.

Cat: [00:54:03] You're going to be the Liam Neeson of octopus.

Dwayne: [00:54:05] Yeah, you're gonna break the tank.

Ben: [00:54:06] What I do have is a very particular set of skills to release octopuses into the wild. You wouldn't like me when I'm hungry.

Dwayne: [00:54:16] So, yeah, I think I think they would. I think they're going to spare me.

Cat: [00:54:20] What? Why?

Dwayne: [00:54:22] They probably like my theory. I don't think I've had. I've eaten that much octopus in my life. I don't know if calamari counts. I mean.

Ben: [00:54:30] Calamari is not an octopus.

Cat: [00:54:31] That's a squid.

Ben: [00:54:32] But it's also pronounced calamari.

Dwayne: [00:54:34] Calamari, right? They're related. They're related.

Ben: [00:54:36] The calamari calamity is, um, it's referred to. Are they related?

Koji: [00:54:39] Yeah.

Ben: [00:54:40] They're squids. Right?

Dwayne: [00:54:41] I think. 

Cat: [00:54:42] Cephalopods? 

Koji: [00:54:43] Yeah, they're cephalopods.

Dwayne: [00:54:43] I think they broke off evolutionarily. Like.  

Koji: [00:54:46] That's only if you believe in evolution.

Cat: [00:54:47] It's like. It's like squids were the jocks, and then octopuses were the people who who studied a lot more math. And they, like, evolved.

Koji: [00:54:55] Why are you looking at me? When you said math.

Cat: [00:54:57] I said meth when I looked at you.

Ben: [00:54:59] She said meth.

Dwayne: [00:55:00] Yeah. I just think.

Koji: [00:55:02] It's not you.

Dwayne: [00:55:03] Why not me? It's just not you. I think they I think they completely would be into what I do and they would be like, yeah, we're going to spare this guy.

Koji: [00:55:10] Okay so you know the story about the octopus moving in Japan? I actually ate it. So I mean, I'm.

Ben: [00:55:16] The octopus is what?

Koji: [00:55:17] You know how it was moving?

Ben: [00:55:18] When you screamed?

Koji: [00:55:19] Yeah, when I screamed, my mom made me eat it.

Ben: [00:55:20] Oh, yeah, she did.

Koji: [00:55:21] She did so,

Cat: [00:55:23] So it would punish you?

Koji: [00:55:24] They would punish me.

Dwayne: [00:55:25] They'd punish you.

Cat: [00:55:26] I think they'd spare me.

Ben: [00:55:27] Why?

Cat: [00:55:27] Because I'm the woman and it can then use me to incubate its spawn.

Ben: [00:55:33] My god. That's a great argument. 

Dwayne: [00:55:36] I think you win with that one. 

Ben: [00:55:37] Yeah. Solid argument.

Cat: [00:55:39] I mean, I mean, is it being speared or is it also punishment? So that's that's what I think I would be the one kept. But.

Koji: [00:55:46] Although giving birth to a bunch of octopuses probably is not as bad as a human.

Cat: [00:55:50] They'd be human octopus, uh, cross hybrids.

Ben: [00:55:54] Although giving birth to an octopus would probably be pain free. 

Cat: [00:55:56] Oh yeah, because they have no bones.

Ben: [00:55:58] It would just slip right out.

Koji: [00:55:59] I mean, that's what girls say to me all the time.

Ben: [00:56:04] I'd probably get eaten by an octopus. Hopefully deep fried.

Dwayne: [00:56:09] Yeah, that's the way to go. I think I think based on your argument, they would. They would spare you.

Koji: [00:56:14] Yeah, that's.

Ben: [00:56:14] A great argument.

Dwayne: [00:56:15] That's a great argument. That's a great idea.

Cat: [00:56:16] It's I think it's what happens. Yeah. Unfortunately in battle with the women. So. That got dark.

Dwayne: [00:56:25] It did. Yeah.

Ben: [00:56:27] You know, even that archetype just stays across species, across planets.

Koji: [00:56:30] Yeah, so I'm on the Selective Service Board for Southern California. And when it comes up

Ben: [00:56:36] What does that mean?

Koji: [00:56:36] Um, if there's ever. 

Dwayne: [00:56:38] Like for the draft?

Koji: [00:56:38] Yeah. If there's ever a draft I would be on, I'm one of

Ben: [00:56:40] The California Guard?

Koji: [00:56:41] For Southern California.

Cat: [00:56:42] Well, like you would choose the people?

Koji: [00:56:43] No, if there was like, say, like you did, like your son didn't want to fight or something, and then they would eventually come to my board or the board that I'm on. But if it ever comes up and I don't want a woman, I will say what you just said, that you know, they're going to get impregnated. So we can't have we can't have women soldiers. Is that what you were saying? 

Cat: [00:57:03] Mhm. It's risky.

Dwayne: [00:57:04] You're saying if.

Ben: [00:57:05] I don't understand this board you're on, this is for the National Guard?

Koji: [00:57:08] No, no, it's if there's a draft, you know how, like when you turn 18, you have to draft. You have to sign up for the draft.

Ben: [00:57:13] You don't you don't go serve, you decide who serves?

Koji: [00:57:15] No, so.

Cat: [00:57:16] If people want to appeal it, he's on the board who would accept the appeals.

Koji: [00:57:17] Yeah, if you appeal it, I would I would 

Dwayne: [00:57:20] But women don't get drafted do they?

Koji: [00:57:21] No. But I think it's gonna it's gonna it's gonna change soon. I think. 

Ben: [00:57:24] I'd like to say you'll be spared because you're a great guy and you're really smart.

Koji: [00:57:28] Well, I'm too old. I'm too old, but I'm talking about like like young folks 

Ben: [00:57:31] I'm too old to never mind. You'll probably be eating.

Dwayne: [00:57:34] That's a good board to be on, though, because if it ever comes down to it, some rich dude is going to line your pockets.

Koji: [00:57:40] Although, to be fair, you know who the youngest person in this room is who would probably have the freshest meat. Cat.

Cat: [00:57:47] No. No.

Koji: [00:57:49] I mean, to be fair. 

Ben: [00:57:50] You're. You're being double.

Cat: [00:57:51] I think you're right, though. I'm i'm in my 30s. My, uh, my womb is not so fresh.

Ben: [00:57:58] My womb is my womb, right?

Ben: [00:58:02] My womb has seen a thing or two. It's a womb with a view. You know what I mean? Right?

Cat: [00:58:07] So that's our. That's our conclusion, you guys. Either way, not a very bright one for me. Uh, thank you, Ben, for coming on with us. Please tell us where people can follow you.

Ben: [00:58:17] That's very nice of you to ask. And it's been my pleasure being back here. I think we established that Elon Musk is an octopus, and I'm confusing episodes now. I'm conflating episodes. Uh, you can, uh, follow me at Ben Gleib on Instagram, X, uh, you know, the other ones Threads some. I don't really post that much there, but sometimes Instagram is really my heart and soul, TikTok. So follow me on there and you can see my shows there and my virtual shows. I got virtual shows every month. You can join me camera on, mic on, and be part of the fun of my really weird, improvised, global intimate show called Gleib Off the Top. So you know all that.

Koji: [00:58:59] Thank you all so much for listening. There are almost three million podcasts and we're honored you chose ours. Please check out our website, unofficialofficialstory.com, for show notes or to hear past episodes. Please follow us on Instagram, X, TikTok, and YouTube.

Cat: [00:59:12] And we'd love to hear from you. You can send us a message by clicking on the Contact Us button on our website, or leave us a voicemail. Click on the microphone button at the bottom of the homepage. Tell us what we got right or tell us what we got wrong. Or, uh, tell us how much you love us or hate us. Or if there's a topic you think we should cover, you can tell us that too. Or who would make the perfect guest? Let us know.

Dwayne: [00:59:34] Yes, and please consider writing a review of our show on the platform you use to listen to the podcast. We know it's a pain in the butt, but it does go a long way in helping the show. It helps us reach new listeners, grow our show, and most importantly, it enables us to keep putting out the content that we hope you enjoy.

Cat: [00:59:51] Please join us next month when we celebrate the anniversary of the personal computer by asking, does Bill Gates want to control the population?

Koji: [00:59:59] All right, guys.

Cat: [01:00:00] Alright.

Koji: [01:00:01] Have a great night.

Cat: [01:00:02] Goodnight everybody.

Koji: [01:00:02] Bye.

Ben: [01:00:03] We're brought to you, as always by Red Lobster.